Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - grandparent babysitting

53 replies

MammyOoo · 10/03/2020 17:58

NC for this post

Both DH and I are sick (not coronavirus or requiring hospitalisation but too ill to move from the bed levels of sick) various gross symptoms. I have been sick for 6 days so far, DH started yesterday. Neither of us ever ring in sick for work so this is very bad. So far our babies (1 & 4) are well.

We have 1 set of parents. Youngish retired, fit & healthy. They have a good relationship with the children and often have them sleepover at their house (maybe once a month). We visit often, phone regularly etc.

We asked if they could mind the babies for us since we are genuinely struggling to keep them alive. We usually work opposite shifts so no childcare.

The answer was no because grandmother had a lunch date with her other daughter (favourite child, she lives on the same street, they see each other daily) and and also a club tonight with same daughter which she attends weekly.

AIBU to think of your children/grandchildren really need help you drop not-particularly-special plans? Am I an entitled brat? I know the kids are my responsibility but I’m their kid. I can’t imagine ever not helping mine. I’m very upset because I’m so ill and they drop anything for their favourite daughter.

I understand they don’t want to catch the bug but that’s not the reason as they’ve said they can have them Friday instead (when they have no plans).

It’s taken me an hour to write this as am so poorly bluergh.

OP posts:
Serenschintte · 10/03/2020 18:06

Im so sorry Op. i know how you feel. Have a similar situation w in-laws. When Ds‘s were small we even made a plan about what we would do in this Situation. It largely involved friends helping.
It’s upsetting and frustrating

Deelish75 · 10/03/2020 18:08

Do they know just how sick you are and how much you are struggling?

If so just remember this when they are older and need their backsides wiping - golden child can do it.

RedPanda2 · 10/03/2020 18:11

Why can't your dad look after them?

Leaannb · 10/03/2020 18:11

I don't think you are being umreasonable due to the family history. However. I wouldn't babysit the kids either because they will expose me to it and I don't jave the time for it

Huntlybyelection · 10/03/2020 18:13

I have been in the same situation although DH was well, he couldn't take annual leave. I had tonsillitis very badly and really needed one of my parents to look after one child during the day and collect the other from school.

They couldn't because they decided they both had to be with my sister at her place in the evening when she was having a survey done for putting it on the market.y sister has no disabilities or difficulties in speaking to people. My parents just said they had to be there. And made me feel bad for asking when they weren't in a position to help And for having DH not able to take time off (he was at an inquiry giving evidence).

It upset me and has happened a few times since making me reluctant to ask for help again.

No advice. I'm sorry you feel so ill and have no help. Flowers

tobedtoMNandfart · 10/03/2020 18:13

Have experienced similar, you have my sympathy. A week at home with the flu we were tempted to send up distress flares. Kids ate god knows what. We did shifts on the sofa. Kids watched films on a loop.
It's a quandary. On the one hand it's sensible to battle on alone rather than infect them. On the other hand you rightly feel very let down by this. Unfortunately all you can do is chalk is up to experience and know that you cannot expect that level of support going forward. 💐💐

PS DH asked FIL to drive me home from chemotherapy once. He replied "I'd rather not"!

Luckystar20 · 10/03/2020 18:14

She not obligated to mind you're dc. Most people when they are ill just get on with it and dont have people able to help out. She already had plans why should she drop them? The only time I would expect someone to help out is if I was seriously ill that required hospital attention. Shes already offered friday but you're not happy with that.

HillAreas · 10/03/2020 18:18

If so just remember this when they are older and need their backsides wiping - golden child can do it.

Grin

I’d be upset too, OP. Everything is shit when you are as ill as that, and finding out that your own parents don’t appear to give a shit about you or their grandchildren is always going to sting.

You’ll get people along in a few minutes to say how they coped with Ebola and newborn triplets alone and would never dream of asking their mother for help - feel free to ignore them.

YANBU.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 10/03/2020 18:19

That's really shit of them IMO. I know they're not obligated to help but if they're capable there's no reason not to in an extreme circumstance.

tobedtoMNandfart · 10/03/2020 18:21

@Luckystar20 did you have Ebola & newborn triplets? 🤣

Leaannb · 10/03/2020 18:33

@GiveHerHellFromUs Would you want to get so sick that you can't leave your bed for 6 days? I sure don't and I definitely don"t jave the time for it. That doesn't mean I don't love my kids or grandkid. It means I don't want whatever they have

DingleberryRose · 10/03/2020 18:33

She not obligated to mind you're dc. Most people when they are ill just get on with it and dont have people able to help out

This! You chose to have the children and it’s your responsibility to look after them, sick or not! Your parents don’t owe you a thing.

Original poster
MammyOoo · 10/03/2020 18:57

Thank you everyone who took the time to vote and comment. Voting is fairly close, not Brexit close but still Grin

I’ll just be grateful I don’t have Ebola and newborn triplets 😂😂😂 and feel happy that my kids got parents who will look after them always Flowers

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 11/03/2020 00:35

@leaannb nobody's suggested that they want to catch whatever the illness Hmm

I personally would rather risk it than force the grandkids to catch it though...

Permenantlyexhaustedpidgeon · 11/03/2020 00:40

My mum can be like this - I’m a single parent and once had to pay to fly my dc dad in from another country so I could be admitted to hospital. My mum lives in the next street but was busy with church..... ironically putting on a kids event 🤷‍♀️

PapayaCoconut · 11/03/2020 00:45

You chose to have the children and it’s your responsibility to look after them, sick or not! Your parents don’t owe you a thing.

Cripes! Even Margaret Thatcher followed "there's no such thing as society" with a caveat about families...

Mittens030869 · 11/03/2020 06:32

You chose to have the children and it’s your responsibility to look after them, sick or not! Your parents don’t owe you a thing.

Charming. Obviously you're right that the OP's parents aren't obligated to look after her DC but even so, there are kinder ways of saying this. Talk about kicking the OP when she's down. Hmm

FWIW, OP, I don't think my DM would do it either in your parents' shoes either, and I wouldn't ask her. But that's because she's 80 and very easily catches stomach bugs. (She stresses me out when she tries to 'help' though, anyway. Grin)

I can understand why you're upset, though, I'm view of the backstory. All I can suggest is CBeebies and DVDs for the DC.

Sometimeswinning · 11/03/2020 06:49

You chose to have the children and it’s your responsibility to look after them, sick or not! Your parents don’t owe you a thing

Wow! I'm not sure if you're really bitter or the golden child. Either way calm down. The op is poorly and finding things difficult. Most parents step in and help their child!

PatchworkElmer · 11/03/2020 06:51

Is that the real reason, or are they worried about catching it? My parents are doting grandparents but ALWAYS stay away when we are ill- they’re getting older, I completely understand that they don’t want to catch it.

AJPTaylor · 11/03/2020 07:04

Yanbu. One thing I think you should be able to rely upon is help from parents in time of difficulty. Especially if you never ever ask for it! I think I asked for help in similar circs maybe twice and my mum was there for me and my kids.

Nomorepies · 11/03/2020 07:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Liverbird77 · 11/03/2020 07:15

Same situation almost. My parents are elderly. My mum isn't in brilliant health at the moment, but ok, and my dad is fine.
We had to struggle through norovirus and flu (I'm pregnant and ended up in hospital for tests). Husband has to work, although tried his best to work from home etc. No offer of any help

chipsandgin · 11/03/2020 07:20

I wouldn’t ask my retired parents to look after kids with potentially catching illnesses. My DSis does this (every time she is ill with anything, my other siblings & I are about to tell her point blank that she really can’t in the coming weeks...yet they will still offer I imagine). Last time they were both really poorly for a week after. Incredibly selfish IMO. Sorry you feel ill but it’s really not ok to ask them.

Nanny0gg · 11/03/2020 07:31

I never had parental help when my kids were small.

Doesn't mean I wouldn't help my own children.

I think yours are very unkind, OP.

averythinline · 11/03/2020 07:33

its crap especially as they are not far.......we had no help and thankfully have muddled through.... in tough times have a couple of local freinds that have stepped up....

I think you should remember this and maybe be less helpful/facillitating in the future...

I would struggle to maintain a relationship at the same level with either of them as you know they dont have your back.....

you do seem to be blaming your mum more rather than dad ..... he's not going to club/lunch but still not helping....... :(