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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - grandparent babysitting

53 replies

MammyOoo · 10/03/2020 17:58

NC for this post

Both DH and I are sick (not coronavirus or requiring hospitalisation but too ill to move from the bed levels of sick) various gross symptoms. I have been sick for 6 days so far, DH started yesterday. Neither of us ever ring in sick for work so this is very bad. So far our babies (1 & 4) are well.

We have 1 set of parents. Youngish retired, fit & healthy. They have a good relationship with the children and often have them sleepover at their house (maybe once a month). We visit often, phone regularly etc.

We asked if they could mind the babies for us since we are genuinely struggling to keep them alive. We usually work opposite shifts so no childcare.

The answer was no because grandmother had a lunch date with her other daughter (favourite child, she lives on the same street, they see each other daily) and and also a club tonight with same daughter which she attends weekly.

AIBU to think of your children/grandchildren really need help you drop not-particularly-special plans? Am I an entitled brat? I know the kids are my responsibility but I’m their kid. I can’t imagine ever not helping mine. I’m very upset because I’m so ill and they drop anything for their favourite daughter.

I understand they don’t want to catch the bug but that’s not the reason as they’ve said they can have them Friday instead (when they have no plans).

It’s taken me an hour to write this as am so poorly bluergh.

OP posts:
Sertchgi123 · 11/03/2020 07:43

Please don’t ask them, it would be so wrong.

Onetickettomars · 11/03/2020 07:45

That’s really unkind of them OP. Hope you feel better soon!

I don’t have any grandparent help from either side. I know I will always help my DC, now and always. On the plus side, I have no desire/obligation etc to help any of the grandparents if/when they need ferrying about and support in their dotage.

DH’s grandparents died alone because they followed this same selfish attitude of their social lives came before family (and no relations felt they needed to put their plans on hold to sit by a bedside). It seems this attitude has filtered down a generation, which is sad

MintyMabel · 11/03/2020 08:26

It’s taken me an hour to write this as am so poorly bluergh.

And yet you persevered, spending all that effort even although you are struggling to keep your children alive apparently. Managed your second post much quicker so presumably feeling better already.

You clearly have problems with the family dynamic and are upset you aren’t put first, but if I’m sick, the last thing I want is either of DDs grandparents put at risk of becoming ill.

wendz86 · 11/03/2020 08:30

My parents would be straight up to help me out so although you are not entitled to their help it is the nice thing to do !

GrumpyHoonMain · 11/03/2020 08:31

The grandparents in this situation already have plans. Unless Op would drop her plans to ferry GM about I think it’s perfectly reasonable for the GM to say no!

JuniperSnowberry · 11/03/2020 09:10

My phone and laptop both allow me to speak and magically the little person living inside the device types up the words. So not much effort required.

You have my sympathies, I do understand them not wanting to look after the children if there is a chance they could get sick themselves, however, dropping round some ready made sandwiches for the children, maybe a dinner would be really helpful. They could just hand it through the door or if super worried, leave it on your doorstep and stand 6 feet back.

I think the preparing food part is the worst when you are ill yourself. There have been a couple of times Dh has been ill at the same time as me, he never gets sick but we both got a bug and luckily a friend collected our children and took them to school. Next time we all came down with norovirus but the children were teens/preteen so able to be sick in a bucket (which you line with a pedal bin liner making clean up a simple case of tying off the top of the bag and inserting new bag in the bin).

MindyStClaire · 11/03/2020 09:40

YANBU. We ended up in this boat before Christmas, both of us and toddler DD came down with something fluey and noro over a week or so. PIL (live about an hour and a half away) were practically beating down the door to help. We said no because we didn't want to infect them and were just about able to manage, but if the noro had hit me 12 hours earlier we wouldn't have had a choice quite frankly.

I hate the entitled, demanding posts you sometimes get on here about grandparents and childcare, but this isn't that IMO. Obviously if they were elderly or had underlying conditions that'd be a different matter.

mrsBtheparker · 11/03/2020 10:49

And yet you persevered, spending all that effort even although you are struggling to keep your children alive apparently. Managed your second post much quicker so presumably feeling better already

I always find it odd how no matter how bad people are feeling, physically or emotionally, there's time to post on MN!

NoSauce · 11/03/2020 11:05

They probably don’t want to catch your bugs. I can’t blame them.

redwinefine · 11/03/2020 11:45

So they're offering to take them on Friday? You can't expect them to drop everything and take on your obligations for you.

Spied · 11/03/2020 11:54

Situations like this you certainly find out who you can rely on...
Helping out when it suits isn't really helping out at all.
At least they'll have 'been seen' to 'help' you on Friday.
I'd tell them to bog off. They obviously don't give two shits how well you are managing with their grandchildren today.

MatildaTheCat · 11/03/2020 11:56

Your parents are miserable bastards.

Get well soon.

thewalrus · 11/03/2020 12:01

My PILs, who live close, wouldn't help in these circumstances because they wouldn't want to catch it. They are generally kind and helpful and have always stepped up in an emergency.
My parents, if they were close by, would definitely help in the circumstances you describe, would cancel plans etc. But they are more outspoken/interfering. Swings and roundabouts.
I think it would be understandable if they didn't want to catch it (though tbh if I was really ill I'd still feel hurt), but what you're hurt about seems to be the fact that it's not that, it's that they just aren't prepared to put themselves out for you. YANBU from me.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 11/03/2020 12:05

They may well not want to catch what you have got

AryaStarkWolf · 11/03/2020 12:11

If you have 1 set and only the grandmother has planned why can't the grandfather do it?

Mumdiva99 · 11/03/2020 12:14

They are out of order. They should help. Call a friend to take the kids. If you were my friend I would help.

Reassuranceneeded14 · 11/03/2020 12:29

I wonder if it depends on the type of family dynamic. In my family, we all pull together and will help out our siblings/parents..I'm the only one of the four adult children with kids currently, and live 2 hours from them all (moved away for uni and settled here). However, on the odd occasion I have been sick, one of my family (either my mother, sister, brother) either come to stay and help, or come to take the kids for a few days. When my sister had a really bad breakup and had to leave the shared flat, in debt, we all stepped in. Not all families/parents are like that, and I don't think its wrong or right either way. I think you are justified to feel sad, but I don't think anyone is particularly unreasonable. Hope you feel better soon xx

FuzzyPuffling · 11/03/2020 12:39

Last time I looked after my sick grandchild (I know yours aren't sick...yet), said grandchild was better in two days, I was ill for a fortnight, requiring a week in bed and a home visit from my GP. Maybe that's a situation your family are keen to avoid?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/03/2020 13:10

"You chose to have the children and it’s your responsibility to look after them, sick or not! Your parents don’t owe you a thing."

Presumably this will apply equally in the other direction, when @MammyOoo's parents need help/care themselves, @DingleberryRose? She didn't ask to be born, so won't owe her parents anything!

And surely being parents is not about what you owe your children - it's about love and support - and I don't think that stops when they hit adulthood (although it does change). No-one has the right to expect anything - but wouldn't a loving parent want to help a very poorly daughter if they could?

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 11/03/2020 13:16

You chose to have the children and it’s your responsibility to look after them, sick or not! Your parents don’t owe you a thing.

well, if you look at it that way, then they DID chose to have the OP, so it is their responsibility to help out.

Anyway, I don't understand these families who are so unhelpful towards each other, it's sad. YANBU OP, you can't change them, what you need is to build a strong group of friends and help each other. Only thing you can do when you have no family. It's shit.

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 11/03/2020 13:19

cross-post!

Original poster
MammyOoo · 11/03/2020 13:24

Thanks again for the comments, it really helps to see different perspectives.

I totally understand about not wanting to catch it, I really don’t think that’s their reason. Grandma always looks after my cousin’s children when they are off school sick, she will have them tomorrow if we arent well by then. We are usually a very involved extended family, I look after my cousins kids/pets, do lots for my parents etc. I very rarely ask for any help (we are lucky to be fit, healthy, financially ok etc so rarely need it) so it hurts when they say no.

All the points about grandad are very valid. He’s not an involved parent/grandparent at all. I can’t think of any occasions where he ever looked after me & my siblings while we were young. When any of the children were in hospital etc. mum came with that one and the rest went to our aunties. That’s a whole other issue really Confused very thankful my DH is a proper parent.

For the comments about being able to post here when I’m poorly, yes I retain use of my brain and fingers. I can also breathe, swallow and occasionally hoist myself out of bed to go to the toilet. What I don’t feel able to do is the relentless, physical 24/7 job of taking care of a baby and a preschooler. I can only assume you don’t have children (why on mumsnet?) or they are grown up and your brain is so shrivelled that you can’t remember how full on parenting small people actually is.

OP posts:
Nonnymum · 11/03/2020 13:25

When my DD was in this position last year I dropped everything to look after the children. I think most parents would. I didn't have anyone who could do it for me when my kids were small but that just made me want to help my kids more as long as I am fit and healthy.
Does your Mum know how dreadful you feel?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 11/03/2020 13:29

YANBU to want some help; your DP's are a right selfish pair for not being prepared to adjust their plans to help you out. It's just what families should do.

Flowers I hope you're well again soon. And I hope your parents don't expect you to care for them in their old age; let their favourite child do that nonsense.

Candleford · 11/03/2020 13:33

YANBU. I live over 5 hours away from DD and my DGC. I hate that I can’t easily pop
round and look after the DGC when DD&DSIL are ill/exhausted. When DD was pregnant I spent most of the time helping as she had a dreadful time of it. And I’m happy to go in school holidays to give DD a break or at any other time if needed.

I was lucky that my DPs lived 5 minutes away when my DC were little and I remember the relief of knowing I could go to bed if I was unwell knowing DC were happy and well looked after. I love my DD&DGC and would do anything to help out. There’s no obligation to help out obviously but I remember just how hard it is looking after small children when you’re ill. The days feel never ending and all you can think about is bedtime - theirs and yours.

I’m so sorry you feel so rough and hope you are soon on the mend.