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Original poster

MiL/my Mum - birthday celebrations and family argument.

32 replies

Songofsixpence · 10/03/2020 10:53

My MiL had her 70th birthday 4 years ago. To celebrate she wanted to go on a big £££ cruise and for all of us to go with her.

We were to pay for our own holiday, which was booked during term time and was adults only.

We looked into it, but ultimately couldn’t afford it - we couldn’t afford to take our children away for a family holiday if we went on the cruise, plus sorting childcare for a week was nearly impossible (we don’t live near family and it’s too big an ask of a friend, and they had school). We did look into DH going on his own but that was still out of our reach.

DH spoke to her, explained our reasons and asked to take her out for a nice birthday dinner instead - we could travel up for a weekend and my mum would look after our kids if MiL wanted it to be adults only

She made a big fuss at the time and refused to speak to any of us for weeks as we’d ruined her birthday,

Anyway, it’s my Mum’s 70th next weekend.

We are going back for the weekend. Saturday night we’re going out for a family dinner and then on Sunday we’re having a surprise lunch/afternoon tea party with her friends at a posh venue type place.

DH rang his mum and asked if we could pop round and see them on the Saturday afternoon. We live 250 miles away from our families (my parents and my in-laws live near each other) so we try and visit them both while in the area.

She’s made a huge stink - we didn’t bother going to her birthday celebrations, it’s not fair that we’re going to my Mum’s when we didn’t go to hers, has bad mouthed us (weIl, me) to DH’s whole family and behaved really shittily - completely ignored my DD’s and my birthdays a couple of weeks ago (I don’t care, I don’t really do birthdays but thought it was a bit shitty to ignore DD’s)

I leave her to DH and don’t get involved but I am utterly sick of her constant sulking.

I don’t think an expensive cruise is really in anyway comparable to a dinner and afternoon tea so really don’t think she’s being fair or reasonable

OP posts:
Star81 · 10/03/2020 10:58

You know she is being totally unreasonable. If she really wanted a full family event that everyone could attend she should have done something that everyone could afford and that is not a cruise !! Also. It’s a lot to ask of people to pay to go on holiday just to celebrate your birthday !

Rhubarbpeony · 10/03/2020 11:00

She’s being totally unreasonable and a complete boot.

Hoppinggreen · 10/03/2020 11:01

Ignore the silly cow and tel DH that he needs to deal with everything relating to his mother from now on

coconutpie · 10/03/2020 11:02

YABU for asking when you definitely know she is completely unreasonable!! Grin

Just completely disengage. Don't visit - go straight to your mum's.

BlingLoving · 10/03/2020 11:02

I assume your DH is telling her she's being ridiculous? Because she is.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/03/2020 11:03

What does your DH think of it?

All you can do is give him support to think and do as he really feels, no matter the guilt tripping!

Anyone hearing her complaint will only think she is being sane and sensible if they have no idea of the difference between the 2 celebrations.

You have a very simple rebuke "The difference between a week's(?) cruise and an afternoon tea is enormous!"

timetest · 10/03/2020 11:05

She was unreasonable to want everyone to go on an expensive cruise and made it worse by refusing to speak to everyone when told it was unaffordable.
Go and see your mum on her birthday and ignore mil till she behaves like a grown up and apologises to you.

mrsBtheparker · 10/03/2020 11:06

Speaking as someone who has had 70th birthdays, me and OH, I think it's appalling to arrange an expensive celebration of her birthday then expect you to pay, childcare issues aside! Your plans re your mother seem far more reasonable.

ThanosSavedMe · 10/03/2020 11:08

Completely ignore her, she’s a loon who loves the drama. Don’t give it to her. Have a lovely weekend with your mum and be relieved you don’t have to go and see her. It’s your dh I feel sorry for. How’s he?

IAmcuriousyellow · 10/03/2020 11:09

She’s being a big baby I’m afraid. It’s a bit rich to demand people farm out the kids and go in a cruise for a birthday! Whatever you give her won’t be enough, she’s one of those who get money mixed up with love.

Windyatthebeach · 10/03/2020 11:11

Some dgm - birthday celebrations without dgc requests?
Old Boot...
Enjoy your dm's day op.
And let dh deal with mil in every regard from now on.

Original poster
Songofsixpence · 10/03/2020 11:17

DH just ignores her. I do too, but I am just so utterly sick of being bath mouthed and her sulking all the time.

I know she’s unreasonable but she’s completely obsessed with my parents and whether we’re being fair.

We always try to be fair and visit both equally. My family come and stay with us so we do see more of them. She’s only been once (we’ve lived here for 15 years) as she thinks we should be the ones who visit her as we moved away (she’s fit and healthy, step-FiL is much younger than her and drives all over the place)

DH and I have been together 20 odd years and she’s always been like it.

DH’s other sibling went on the cruise so she thinks we (I) were just being awkward, but their circumstances are very different from ours

DH has always been the family scape goat and his sibling is the golden child. Sibling thinks we are out of order

OP posts:
mbosnz · 10/03/2020 11:19

What a spoilt little princess she is. I'd be leaving her to her tanty, and going and enjoying the sensible birthday that will truly be enjoyable that your mother has planned. Poor DH, I'd be mortified if my mother was behaving in such a juvenile fashion.

'It's not faaaaiiiirrr. . .'

mbosnz · 10/03/2020 11:21

After reading your update - leave them to it. Sibling should keep their opinion to themselves, your mil can badmouth you all to her heart's content, and you can give her something to really complain about - doing what she's accusing you of, and favouring your parents over her tantrumming, manipulative, extremely spiteful, spoilt self.

SallyWD · 10/03/2020 11:24

Honestly you'd think a woman in her 70s would have grown out of such selfish and childish behaviour.

MzHz · 10/03/2020 11:24

Thank god you and your h are on the same page! Just carry on ignoring and tbh, I’d not bother popping into see her when you’re over there either.

Thescrewinthetuna · 10/03/2020 11:26

She’s a drama queen, the type of person who will only be happy if they’re getting their own way, like a toddler basically! The only solution is to carry on ignoring them when they’re being unreasonable unfortunately

HopeYouStepOnALego · 10/03/2020 11:34

Wow, what a horrible family your DH has. Sounds as though for the sibling the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

It's only since joining MN that I've realised that my PILs were never quite as bad as I thought they were. Some of you other MNetters have to endure such awful, childish relatives!

Shellcracked · 10/03/2020 11:50

You can't argue with crazy. It's pointless and a waste of your breath.

She is totally unreasonable and you know that.

TBH I personally wouldn't want that drama in my life and just boot her calls/rants to voicemail. BIL is just as bad because he's enabling this behaviour.

ThanosSavedMe · 10/03/2020 11:52

After reading your update sod the lot of them. You know you aren’t being unreasonable, their opinion shouldn’t matter. You don’t need them in your life and you don’t need your dc to become the scapegoats as they get older. Dump the lot of them and have a lovely weekend.

Isthistrueor · 10/03/2020 11:54

She sounds like a child, not a woman in her seventies. Requesting her son and DIL join her on a week long cruise during term time leaving the GC behind is bad enough but she also expected you to pay for it. She surely must have realised this would be out of your reach yet decided to kick up a fuss when you inevitably said you couldn’t go. It was also four years ago and she’s still not over it, talk about high maintenance...

Alsohuman · 10/03/2020 11:56

She sounds more like seven than 70. What a shocking way for a grown woman to behave.

GabriellaMontez · 10/03/2020 11:59

I wouldn't waste a moment of your weekend away on her.

She sounds awful.

timetest · 10/03/2020 12:12

Stuff it . Block her and sil and enjoy the peace.

timeisnotaline · 10/03/2020 12:17

We always try to be fair and visit both equally. My family come and stay with us so we do see more of them.
Clearly trying to be fair is a complete waste of your time. Stop. See your family as much as you want. Drive down every weekend for the next month. Let her see on Facebook or whatever that you’re in the area. She can take her ‘not fair waaaah’ and eat it. You are being fair to your family and to yourselves finally.

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