MiL/my Mum - birthday celebrations and family argument.

[Songofsixpence]

My MiL had her 70th birthday 4 years ago. To celebrate she wanted to go on a big £££ cruise and for all of us to go with her.

We were to pay for our own holiday, which was booked during term time and was adults only.

We looked into it, but ultimately couldn’t afford it - we couldn’t afford to take our children away for a family holiday if we went on the cruise, plus sorting childcare for a week was nearly impossible (we don’t live near family and it’s too big an ask of a friend, and they had school). We did look into DH going on his own but that was still out of our reach.

DH spoke to her, explained our reasons and asked to take her out for a nice birthday dinner instead - we could travel up for a weekend and my mum would look after our kids if MiL wanted it to be adults only

She made a big fuss at the time and refused to speak to any of us for weeks as we’d ruined her birthday,

Anyway, it’s my Mum’s 70th next weekend.

We are going back for the weekend. Saturday night we’re going out for a family dinner and then on Sunday we’re having a surprise lunch/afternoon tea party with her friends at a posh venue type place.

DH rang his mum and asked if we could pop round and see them on the Saturday afternoon. We live 250 miles away from our families (my parents and my in-laws live near each other) so we try and visit them both while in the area.

She’s made a huge stink - we didn’t bother going to her birthday celebrations, it’s not fair that we’re going to my Mum’s when we didn’t go to hers, has bad mouthed us (weIl, me) to DH’s whole family and behaved really shittily - completely ignored my DD’s and my birthdays a couple of weeks ago (I don’t care, I don’t really do birthdays but thought it was a bit shitty to ignore DD’s)

I leave her to DH and don’t get involved but I am utterly sick of her constant sulking.

I don’t think an expensive cruise is really in anyway comparable to a dinner and afternoon tea so really don’t think she’s being fair or reasonable

You were not being unreasonable by not going on her cruise and you are not being unreasonable now by going out for your mum's birthday. And most importantly reasonable people will see her expectations of you as completely batshit.

She sounds a lot like my own mother, its best to ignore her. She is never going to understand that others have different circumstances to her, it will always be about her.

I was the scapegoat and my brother was the golden child, and he would give me a hard time if I couldn't dance to her tune. I am now non contact with her (I refused to let her sweep her behaviour and sulking under the carpet anymore) and she's now transferred her unreasonable expectations to him so he's finally seeing what I've had to deal with.

Ignore her, but I do wonder if your DH should say something? Appeasement rarely works and encourages bullies and egotists IMO.

It was unbelievably spiteful of her to ignore your DDs birthday. That would make me angrier than everything else. I’d go low or no contact if that was an option. Nasty woman.

Thanks all!

She’s always been like it. Always had to walk on egg shells with her. And she’s always been weirdly obsessed with my parents - how big their house is, how much money they have. It’s like she’s jealous for some reason

With the cruise, my mum did half offer to come down here and stay with the kids but her and my dad run their own business so it would have been difficult, plus the cost was almost double what our week in Menorca for all 4 of us so it just wasn’t doable.

I thought it was pretty CF to expect spend £££££ of other people’s money.

We enjoyed the peace and quiet for a few weeks, but I just cannot abide grown adults sulking

DH rang his mum and asked if we could pop round and see them on the Saturday afternoon - why?! Hopefully he won't do that again in a hurry?

When you say DH ignores her, does that mean he doesn't actually say Mum you are being unfair/unreasonable, just waits till it blows over?

I would be livid at her ignoring her grandaughters birthday. Fuck that. YANBU

So she favours BIL yet it’s wrong for you (in her eyes) to favour DM?

Ou couldn’t make it up

I wouldn’t visit at all, TBH: she is going to be in an awkward mood, possibly sulking, and you will wonder why you bothered. We have had a similar situation, and we just pulled right back from DH’s family. I am aware that I have been talked about, but I really don’t care any more. Life is so much calmer these days!