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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Frenemy bitchiness - WIBU to call her out on it?

51 replies

WellWhyNot · 09/03/2020 22:28

Very petty situation but upset.

Going on holiday with cousin, who I’ve lived with and grown up with, and 2 mutual friends (although they’ve known my cousin longer than they’ve known me).

I’ve spent a lot of money on this holiday (a once-in-a-lifetime thing) and am looking forward to it.

However, there’s been tension between us.

I haven’t been involved in booking accommodation for this trip directly as a deposit or full amount is often asked for.

Whenever I spend money on anything involving my cousin, I always have to chase him for money and always end up out of pocket. (Aside from this situation with money, we normally get on well).

The cousin is, however, very quick to transfer money to his friends when they book.

Anyway, today, cousin sent one of the mutual friends a message saying ‘it was all kicking off’ (meaning I was kicking off in the chat because I was saying in the chat, I’m really sorry but I didn’t have enough money to book for everyone all at once).

The friend said I came across ‘so stubborn’ and ‘very rude’ for not offering to book accommodation.

I’d like to let the friend know I’m really upset about their comments about me to my cousin but feel it would inflame tensions further.

As I still would like to go on the trip, I’m very wary of further stoking tensions, but want to show the friend their comments really upset me. Although this may not be wise.

What would you do?

OP posts:

Original poster

WellWhyNot · 09/03/2020 22:29

Should point out that I saw the above-mentioned message exchange between cousin and friend because cousin sent it to me.

OP posts:

TitianaTitsling · 09/03/2020 22:31

Why should you be the one to book and pay?

Mikeymoo12 · 09/03/2020 22:31

Wow sounds like they are trying to use you and you have not pandered to their game. Is it too late to back out

TitianaTitsling · 09/03/2020 22:33

As in why is it only rude for you not to book?

blubellsarebells · 09/03/2020 22:33

Personally i would dump the immature shitstirring gits and go somewhere else.

Halo1234 · 09/03/2020 22:37

U could offer to book it if they transferred the money before hand but you havent been unreasonable anyone could book it so why are u the one who is kicking off for not booking it. that makes no sense. I would say they arent treating u kindly and do u want to spend time with them. However u know them. Do u enjoy their company? Do they normally treat u well? Are they nice people who have your back? Answer these questions with your gut and decide to either smooth it over "sorry didnt mean I wouldnt book it I will be will need money upfront and will book it once everyone has paid. I dont have funds atm to book everyone. But happy to book" or not smooth it over and call them out and not go. Did your cousin show u the message to and from mutual friend (heavily stirring the pot and being mean if he did. Why show u something he knows is hurtful to u) or was it all on group chat.

Ameliablue · 09/03/2020 22:39

I think we are missing too much of the story here. Is everyone else taking a turn at booking stuff for the holiday. And without seeing the exchange, nobody can say if you did come across as stubborn and ride or if it was your friends and cousin who were unreasonable.

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 09/03/2020 22:39

Don’t do any booking. There are 3 others there to do it. Absolutely no reason why it should be you and not one of them.

Halo1234 · 09/03/2020 22:40

Sorry just saw he sent it to u. Ditch. Ditch. Ditch. Manipulative to send it to u. He is trying to pressure u into booking it (doing what he wants) by making u think others think u are bu. Def dont book before he pays. Why cant he book??? Not being kind. He is going out his way to hurt your feeling to get his own way. He isnt a real friend.

CuppaZa · 09/03/2020 22:43

Tbh I wouldn’t even enjoy the holiday with them and would go with decent people

cochineal7 · 09/03/2020 22:43

Why is the friend rude and not your cousin who is setting you up? Friend is just reacting to what s/he is fed by cousin.

Iflyaway · 09/03/2020 22:46

This is why I love travelling solo.

Ayemama · 09/03/2020 22:52

This would give me major alarm bells, are you being invited because they dont actually plan on paying you back?

Couldn't you do this trip with another less bitchy friend?

It definitely sounds like your cousin is deliberately shit stiring.

Summersunandoranges · 09/03/2020 23:05

Yeah this would be ringing alarm bells for me too. Why the hell are they expecting you to pay upfront for the accommodation?

ScrambledSmegs · 09/03/2020 23:06

Your cousin is an arsehole.

'Friend' is taking their cue from your cousin.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 09/03/2020 23:06

Ha, if they are becoming like that because they don’t want to pay a deposit, I can assure you you will be spending the holiday trying to avoid them taking advantage of you.

I would try to find other people to travel with.

percheron67 · 09/03/2020 23:08

I hope you enjoy your holiday but, I must admit, I would be chary of going on an expensive holiday with a relative or friend, who regularly left me out of pocket. Might sound uncharitable but I would take a notebook and record the spending. Otherwise you could end up paying a lot extra.

Snowpatrolling · 09/03/2020 23:19

Your cousin started it! Why would he say you were kicking off? He instigated that and the friend carried it on. I wouldn’t be going on holiday with him after that! Fuck that for a barrel of laughs!!!

Batqueen · 09/03/2020 23:20

I don’t understand why you were the one booking if you hadn’t been involved in accommodation booking. Your cousin is the one who stirred this all up though and his friends also have no reason to understand why you would have concerns if he always pays them back immediately. They probably think that you can afford to book it but don’t trust them to pay you back rather than him.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 09/03/2020 23:21

How many in the traveling party including you OP? Are you sharing bedrooms, is your cousin expected to share with you? If so, run, he is showing the signs he will expect you to sponsor him.

Original poster

WellWhyNot · 09/03/2020 23:29

Hi all,

Just back to complete the story further as a few posters have said it’s unclear.

Every single time my cousin has owed me money, he’s taken ages to pay it back to me, and I’ve had to remind him constantly until he does.

As I’m so often out of pocket when my cousin owes me money, I always make sure to pay separately from him and not to be in a position where he owes me anything.

The other 3 in the group (my cousin and the 2 mutual friends) have taken on the majority of the booking. I’ve transferred them my share of the money immediately.

I thought the above would be a good solution to the money-owing issue.

However, my cousin has thrown me under the bus a bit by calling me out publicly in our WhatsApp group with the 2 friends and calling me lazy and saying I don’t lift a finger. And also by sending messages to one of the mutual friends (as mentioned in my OP) about my behaviour, which led the mutual friend to react to it by agreeing with the cousin, which is quite a natural reaction I suppose. I just didn’t like how she was openly siding with my cousin by going against me too.

I’d looove to do the trip with other people instead but have put down lots of deposits and booked (non-refundable) flights already. So annoying, I know!! I’m frustrated. I should make the best out of it.

OP posts:

MakeItRain · 09/03/2020 23:45

I would go alone and just book somewhere lovely for you.

timeisnotaline · 09/03/2020 23:50

Just say in the whatsapp that hey all sorry it seems to be an issue I’m not booking. It’s because cousin never pays me back, is I only book when I’m paid in advance to avoid the hassle. Dunno why, I can see he pays all of you back pretty quickly. Sorry if it’s looks like a drama but I’m just not doing the chasing anymore, I pay my share quickly as you’ve seen. So shall i book after you all transfer me x or would someone else like to book and I’ll pay ASAP? Looking forward to the holiday!

timeisnotaline · 09/03/2020 23:50

And reply to your cousin - you are such a shitstirrer.

And don’t do anymore holidays, id hang out with someone else for a while.

bbpet · 09/03/2020 23:57

does your cousin always act in such a bitchy way? Maybe because you've known him so long you just accept his behaviour, stand up for yourself and don't let them gang up on you, and if there is any way you could get your money back for things- do it, because it sounds like you will have an awful time anyway, holiday of a lifetime or not.

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