Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Frenemy bitchiness - WIBU to call her out on it?

51 replies

WellWhyNot · 09/03/2020 22:28

Very petty situation but upset.

Going on holiday with cousin, who I’ve lived with and grown up with, and 2 mutual friends (although they’ve known my cousin longer than they’ve known me).

I’ve spent a lot of money on this holiday (a once-in-a-lifetime thing) and am looking forward to it.

However, there’s been tension between us.

I haven’t been involved in booking accommodation for this trip directly as a deposit or full amount is often asked for.

Whenever I spend money on anything involving my cousin, I always have to chase him for money and always end up out of pocket. (Aside from this situation with money, we normally get on well).

The cousin is, however, very quick to transfer money to his friends when they book.

Anyway, today, cousin sent one of the mutual friends a message saying ‘it was all kicking off’ (meaning I was kicking off in the chat because I was saying in the chat, I’m really sorry but I didn’t have enough money to book for everyone all at once).

The friend said I came across ‘so stubborn’ and ‘very rude’ for not offering to book accommodation.

I’d like to let the friend know I’m really upset about their comments about me to my cousin but feel it would inflame tensions further.

As I still would like to go on the trip, I’m very wary of further stoking tensions, but want to show the friend their comments really upset me. Although this may not be wise.

What would you do?

OP posts:
DarklyDreamingDexter · 10/03/2020 00:34

Why do you want to go on holiday with people like that? Your cousin sounds like a user and a shit stirrer and his friends sound little better. If you go on this holiday, are you sure they won’t single you out to pick on you, as that’s what it sounds like they’re doing now? (Unless there’s more back story to this.) is it too late to back out?

R2G · 10/03/2020 01:55

Your cousin is at fault. Just be honest on the group and say hi sorry if I came across stubborn and rude about the booking, cousin let me know, or lazy as my cousin said. I've no issue booking at all it's just that could I please have the money upfront by Wednesday and I'll book on Thursday. I don't have the funds up front that's all.
If your cousin has not paid by Wednesday don't text privately, just in the group on Friday say hi cousin just a reminder I can't book until you've transferred your share.. Just keep calling him out in the group about it and do not book until you have the money.

Honeybee85 · 10/03/2020 02:12

Wow OP I wouldn’t even want to go on holiday with someone who treated me like this - both your cousin and your friends behave terribly.

I would rebook the holiday and go by myself.
And give my head a wobble if I wanted such people in my life, regardless of if they’re related to you or been friends for a long time. All of this sounds downright toxic.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/03/2020 03:18

Do you have copies of the text messages chasing money in the past? I’d be tempted to screenshot a few with timelines. But perhaps a lighthearted but to the point message would be better.

“😂😂 lol cousin. You know very well I used to book everything whenever we did things together and that I also had to chase you for the money for months. When you invited me, were you looking for a free holiday?”

Please don’t be a doormat. It looks like this man is toxic and setting you up to fail. Why do you want to continue to be in contact with him? I understand you don’t want to lose money but you would have lost a lot with him anyway. You can’t change his behaviour. Only yours. If you do the same thing, expect the same results!

Notajogger · 10/03/2020 05:16

Sounds like the cousin is trying to manipulate you.
Will you be the one expected to fork out while you're on hol? Sounds like probably - and sounds like a stressful hol now regardless. Can't you keep the bookings you've already made but stay elsewhere and do your own thing? I'd not want to go on hol with them! Or just cut your losses and "lose" the flight and book something else entirely.

JuniperSnowberry · 10/03/2020 06:28

Just because your flights are booked does not mean you have to go on holiday with your cousin and their friends.

It sounds like a powder keg situation. When you say once in a lifetime is it the accommodation that is the big cost or the flight?

Could you find someone else to go with? I am saying you can still fly out there but just not stay with them. Is it a specific place or area? Just trying to help you salvage this.

I think your cousin and friend sound petty and bitch about you behind your back. If you call him or the friend on it this could go bad fast, so you need to have a plan B in mind.

WitsEnding · 10/03/2020 06:41

"Lol cousin, last time I paid x for you it was y months before I got the money back, I'm not made of money" in the group chat

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 10/03/2020 06:47

Use the flight, book everything else on your own!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 10/03/2020 06:50

Any if these responses are good!

He does sound a shit stirrer... Don't be a doormat and be victimised by his stupid label of you...
I've always been more than happy to book, but as you know, dear cousin... Every time I've booked stuff it's taken mulitple reminders and an average of X weeks to get this owed money paid!

HelgaHere1 · 10/03/2020 06:50

People are bitching about you behind your back and your cousin is taking the piss but you want to go on holiday with them? I would suggest that if this is how they behave now it will be much worse on holiday. Just back out and leave a threesome which often doesn't work and ends in fall outs.

PotteringAlong · 10/03/2020 06:52

Use the flights, cancel accommodation, go off by yourself.

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 10/03/2020 07:00

Don’t go with them op - it doesn’t matter how hard you try - they won’t treat you well

WeAllHaveWings · 10/03/2020 07:21

Your request for money up front to allow you book is entirely reasonable. Don't let them make you think otherwise.

We don't know if you have been contributing to researching the holiday arrangements or if you are indeed lazy and leaving it to everyone else, just paying your deposits when asked, and their complaints are warranted.

MzHz · 10/03/2020 07:42

You know the great thing about buses?

You wait for ages and then 2 turn up....

He’s tried to throw you under the first, so chuck HIM under the second

Screenshot the message he sent you and say “ha ha! Dear all, I’ve paid for cousin time and time again and every single time I’ve had to chase him to get the money back, so while I appreciate it looks like I’m a lazy git, it’s not this at all, it’s that the subject of money and my cousin is one I’ve been bitten on the arse far too many times by to do so again.

Happy to transfer anything anyone needs to make the booking, but I’m not putting myself in the shit again for him; he doesn’t seem to stiff you in the way he does me so it’s better if you manage him

Or I can drop out and arrange my own accommodation and I’ll meet you all when we’re out there?

SuburbanFraggle · 10/03/2020 08:19

It sounds like your cousin wants you to subsidize his trip.

Ice cream? WellWhyNot can get that, a cold drink, the entrance fee to that thing. You order a salad and coke, he orders steak, wine and dessert, split the bill. He will say you are being 'petty'. It's only popcorn! But he will be making a saving at your expense.

oldspaniel · 10/03/2020 08:41

Your cousin is the problem here and yes as others have said you should call him out. I'd do it in a private message though as you don't want to sink to his level. Something along the lines of cuz you have made me look like a dick on the group chat. I have not got the funds to book, there is not enough in my account, pay me and I'll book. You're very unreliable about paying me back and I'm always out of pocket where you're concerned. You don't take advantage of your friends in the same way. So pay your share without complaining to your friends and humiliating me or let's accept that this holiday isn't going to work.
He sounds awful

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 10/03/2020 09:04

I don't quite understand what's been booked and what hasn't if you've already paid for loads of it. Has everything been booked and paid for except the accommodation and they're saying you should be the one to do that because someone else booked the rest?

I'd go with one of the lighthearted responses about how you've learnt your lesson about never having cousin owe you anything because they'll take forever to pay you back. I'd probably also include the screenshot, maybe friend won't be so quick to agree how awful you are if they know cousin then sends you a screenshot of it!

Billben · 10/03/2020 09:07

It is never unreasonable to call people out on their bullshit. They get away with things because they hope others will be too embarrassed to called them out on it.

Thingsthatgo · 10/03/2020 09:14

I guess if they have all booked stuff, and you transferred the money afterwards, they are expecting the same from you. If you didn’t want to do that, it requires an explanation, otherwise you will come across as stubborn. (I don’t think you are, but can see why it might appear so).

OchAyeThaNoo · 10/03/2020 09:20

So he's bitching about you behind your back, encouraging the mutual friends to bitch too then sending you the evidence? So he's a shit stirrer and an idiot trying to break you all up? Just before a holiday you're supposed to be going on together. WHY?? It doesn't make sense.

Just throw him under the bus. Say quite plainly in the whole group chat that you don't wish to book without the money first simply because your cousin doesn't pay you back unless you chase and chase him which is odd because he pays your friends straight away.
If you can, state a couple of instances. For example, "The concert tickets in May? Took me til October to finally get the money out of him after 14 texts and loads of calls.
The holiday in June 2017? Couldn't get paid back for 6 whole months of constant chasing"

billy1966 · 10/03/2020 09:25

Your cousin is a little shit and a user.

Do as advised, call him out clearly on the WhatsAp group for not paying you back until he's been chased for it.
Perfectly reasonable to say I don't need the hassle of chasing him for money.

Doesn't sound like much of a holiday with people like that.

Get used to standing up for yourself OP or it will not be a pleasant experience.

mauvaisereputation · 10/03/2020 10:30

Your cousin sounds horrible, but on the other hand I would be annoyed if I was organising a holiday in a group and one person let the others do all the booking. You are making the others spend time on booking when you don't have to and also making them take the risk of being paid late by others in the group, when you don't have to take this risk. I think you need to volunteer to take on some organisational aspect of it.

annamie · 10/03/2020 10:47

I don't understand, OP. Your cousin is the twat here and yet you want to call out your mutual friend for 'frenemy bitchiness'.

Why are you focusing on her and not your dickhead cousin?

annamie · 10/03/2020 10:49

And your cousin clearly wants you to book the accommodation so he doesn't have to pay you.

He pays the others quickly but not you so he doesn't respect you.

Don't book a single thing for him and don't pay for anything for him while you're on the holiday.

And then never book a holiday with him ever again.

CarolinaPink · 10/03/2020 11:15

People who do this (don't pay back without chasing) are such a major PITA! I'd do as others above have suggested i.e. say you're happy to make the booking but you can't do it until you have the money.