Making teenager study

[teenageangst3]

I am actually tearing my hair out trying to get my teenager to do homework or study.
First year of GCSEs and last few years cruised along minimum effort but would excel if we sat beside her to revise (usually night before)

We are mentally exhausted by all the conflict, screaming and lies.
She does no work and I mean nothing - homework rarely done and seems no punishment for this. I assume she copies others before class. Totally checked out and doesn't care less. I know she will fail and won't care. She's such a bright child and was top in every class last few years.

Provide a quiet place for studying,all materials,snacks
Sit her down and explain how important the exams are
Then leave her to it

I'm so sorry you are going through this, having just had a weekend full of teenage tempers, I have a lot fo sympathy.

Ds did GCSE last year. I think the long and the short of it is that you cannot make her study.
Do you know why she doesn't care now? Most teens do care underneath at some level.

You sya she will study if you sit down with her, is that willingly? Is she overwhelemed by the structure, etc required, so woudl rather check out emotionally than try?

personally, I would set some boundaries, eg for us, it is phones downstairs by xx time, and TV etc screens off after dinner until homework is done.
That may be too much, she might not accept that much.

There comes a point where we have to give support, but step back, if she has the support and chooses not to take it and fail her exams, then she will have to learn the hard way that life is presented on a plate.

You can create the right environment for her to study, quiet areas etc, but you can't actually make her do it.
Sadly she's about to learn a grownup lesson in taking responsibility for her own actions.

She has a lovely room with all the snacks and study aids! I have been there if she wants me, leave when she doesn't, there when she doesn't want me too!
It's exhausting and this is only 4th year. She's always wanted to be a vet even when I've explained she needs to work hard to realise her dream.
It's probably overwhelming as she's so behind. She's blocked everything out and I'm now wondering if she's depressing. She's so unmotivated

My son is exactly the same - bright but will not work. Everyone says leave them to it but if I left him to it he would fail everything and not care.
There are constant arguments over his lack of work. School books come home marked and say unfinished on every piece of work. I sit down and revise with him for every test.
It is so exhausting as I am working, running the house looking after another child and then feel like I am back at school myself!

Machestertimes this is exactly what we have to do and she's only 4th year.
I don't want her to fail or get further behind. Why are some children so motivated and hardworking?
She's just so lazy it's infuriating. She has these big aspirations and knows she needs and is capable of top grades but way is has been last 6 months I reckon she wouldn't even pass.
Phone is always taken away at night and trying new tactic of removal from 7-10pm.
Caught her twice having logged in to snapchat on family Ipad.
This isn't even study - this is shitty fucking homework. It is driving me demented. She says I try to control her life

I can understand. Ds is 15 and year 11 he has a recent autism diagnosis. I'm just about getting him to do his homework but he will not revise. His planning and organisational skills are very poor. He is just completely overwhelmed and its easier for him to just avoid doing any revision at all.

He will not meet his potential in his forthcoming gcses. It's a balancing act as he has poor mental health so too much pressure could make things worse. School won't help even through he has an SEN. I've emailed them 4 times in the last fortnight asking for support.

We can't do anything else so it is what it is now. Exams start on the 11th May and this is not what I wanted for him but unfortunately his difficulties with revision and study will ultimately have an impact on his future.

In the nicest possible way, back off. She has to do this herself, and in her own way. Be supportive, be present, provide all the things, but leave her to get on with it. They're not your GCSE's, they're hers. She also doesn't need to get all top grades.

My dd is doing GCSE's this year, going to 6th form colleges has been an eye opener in terms of what she needs. She doesn't need a full row of 9's (as school is demanding), just three 6's and two 4's inc Maths and English to do A'levels in Law, History and Criminology. This has taken the pressure off completely, and even if she failed them all, there's still a pathway into further education, it just might be a different route than expected and take a little longer, but I have no doubt that she'll get there.

Stop controlling her, put your relationship first and give her some trust and confidence to do it herself, and she will.

Inarrears I know this is what I need to do and take a step back as I can't do the exams BUT I do see her very sad and tearful blaming friends, boyfriend, us, teachers but I do think it's her being overwhelmed by it all. It's too big a mountain to climb alone but what can I do if she rejects all help.

She's the one with big plans and she will need good GCSEs but maybe that's the issue as passing will not feel good enough. Easier to do nothing and fail than try and then fail

I did find that ds did more when I backed off.

I had the conversation with him where I said, you have everything you need, I am here if you want help, and I am willing to help in what ever way is helpful, eg testing you on stuff.
We have provided the environment, and we provide the structure, but now it is over to you, we cannot do this for you, you have to knuckle down and do what you need. You know that only you can do the work. No work and you will have a different future path. Right now, that is your choice.

Then back right off and see what happens.

What sort of worked when my daughter went through the same phase was:-
I gave her a list of things to research for me.
First of all, she had to find a job which required no qualifications (it happened to be Burger King, but theres plenty out there), and calculate her weekly wage, doing a full time 35 hours a week - I was generous and let her calculate using minimum wage for over 21. Work out tax, ni, and pension contributions, and see what her take home wage was.
I then sent her onto rightmove to find somewhere to live. She had to calculate her weekly rent, council tax, gas/electric, travel to and from work, food, etc.
She was left with about £2 a week to spend.
I said nothing about it, just congratulated her on a task well done.
Shes recently admitted (2 years later) that it scared the shit out of her!
Might not work, she might not even attempt to do it, but it might be worth a try.

Are they doing revision classes at school?. I found this with mine, they seem to be doing little work at home but they are doing hours of revision in class buts seems to parents as lesson time. Obviously if it that is the case they want to relax at home to a certain extent like we all want to after a hard day at work.

She's got over a year to go and this is a very unhealthy trajectory to be on. You have to build her self esteem and show her you trust her to do this. Pick a good moment and have a proper chat with her about how she wants you to support her, and then do that. Check in with her regularly to see how she's getting on, is there anything she needs etc?

There was an interview on R4 about getting into Oxford and how schools have totally skewed our perceptions of what's needed, I'll try to find it. You only need to get enough to get you to the next stage.

What are her plans?

Maybe she could chat with a vet about the education necessary and the job?

Oh, sorry I missed that she wants to be a vet. So she needs two 6's and three 5's (inc English and Maths) to do Science A levels. The tough bit will come at A'level by which time she really does need to be self-motivated and studying under her own steam.

Btw, your life does not end if you fail your GCSE's. Equally, you're not necessarily employable if you have a first from Oxford. I am very much speaking from experience.

Is she getting any work experience? maybe some volunteer time in a local pet shelter might be a good motivator.

The people saying leave them to it are idiotic. We are the parents, we have to enforce these things whether they like it or not. It’s the job of the parent to care more about the child’s wellbeing even if the child doesn’t care. I think sacrifice as much of your own time as you can to sit with her and make sure she studies. Make timetables with her, so she knows what to study and when and for how long etc. Factor several breaks into those timetables and then check up regularly to see if she’s sticking to it. If she isn’t sticking to it, remove a privilege, phone tv whatever, until she full understands that not studying is simply not an option. I had parents who cared a great deal and made me study when I absolutely did not want to. And I am so grateful to them today. My husband on the other hand was academically lazy and his parents didn’t care either. He wishes now that they had taken more of an interest. Make her do it whatever it takes. Tell her you’re going to test her daily/weekly on what she has revised. And then do exactly that. It may be the most depressing time of her life but it will also prove to be one of the most crucial and she will thank you so much one day. Good luck!

ArabSprings I think you have a skewed understanding of 'wellbeing'.

I’ve got the same. He’s doing his GCSE’s this year though. I’ve shed tears over it because of the arguments

Actually, @inarrears, wellbeing can mean many things.

how about setting up a revision club in your house? If you have room..this worked brilliantly for a friend of mine ...as a teenagers mum she had a very bright daughter who couldnt or wouldnt revise as she felt she didnt need to and to be fair she walked all her exams with minimal effort but to her her friends were far more important at the time,so said mum sick of the battle over homework decided if friends were more important then she would try to see if they could make something anything work..so she invited 8 of the closest friends round and they studied together round the table ..mum provided pizzas and stuff and left them to it. This happened 3 times a week and blimey it was a hive of activity. Not much fun for the mum having her house invaded by teenagers but they had the music on and they carried each other revising and helping each other. They were treated like grown ups and it made revision fun...being together sharing laughing in a good atmosphere made them think they werent really revising when they really were..kind of took the pressure off...maybe try something like that...animosity between you both will not work its counterproductive as you know sothis may be worth trying??

One of mine was the same and I remember clearly the aggro ... I ended up backing off and leaving her to it rather than living in a war zone for weeks.

She managed to wing it and did fairly well, not as well as she could have done though. However A levels were a massive shock and she didn’t pass any. She’s now on a gap year, working locally and talking about her next step. She’s grown up a lot this year, some are too immature to think ahead enough re: exams/future

The revision club idea sounds great @Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe !!

Whitelisbon

ds school did a whole day exercise with their year 8s like this.

They included everything, from which car you drive to which phone/netfilx contract you want.
Then they gave them average monthly salaries for a whole range of jobs.
The boys were all a bit shocked at how much the world cost!
At the end of the day, they had to look at the job htey wnated and work backwards to which A levels and then which GCSEs they needed.

ArabSprings I think you ar emissing the point about 'leaving them to it' It is not giving up on them, but rather recognising that for some teens, partly due to the very hormones that cause teens to rebel,
many teens in my experience react against their parents involvement and tune out. The point about handing it over to them is to make them realise they have to take responsibility. Often, parents backing off, gives them the freedom to step up.

I think sacrifice as much of your own time as you can to sit with her and make sure she studies. Make timetables with her, so she knows what to study and when and for how long etc. Factor several breaks into those timetables and then check up regularly to see if she’s sticking to it. If she isn’t sticking to it, remove a privilege, phone tv whatever, until she full understands that not studying is simply not an option

If i had done any of this with my son, he would have tuned right out, and not done any work. He would have massively resented the interference.
I now have a dd at the same age as OP and she would be furious at the interference.

Every child is different and you have to find what works for her, but it is one option to try.

Let her crack on then. God the tension between me and my mother was abominable during GCSE. Then she decided to just let me handle it and I did. Might've gotten all A* if she hadn't but I was not willing and did fine anyway

Sit her down and show her the household bills every month.
Then show her the average income of someone on benefits or trying to survive on zero hours contracts and minimum wage. Explain that good exam results will give her a better chance not to fall into that poverty trap.
Ask what her friends' plans and dreams for the future are and what are hers. Take them seriously and start discussing why exams are relevant. (DS: 'Famous rock star'. Me: 'Then you definitely need maths to make sure your accountant and manager aren't fleecing you behind your back. And English so you write brilliant lyrics and can understand the legal documents you are asked to sign.') It does eventually click.

Help make it easy and fun. Go to see films and plays from GCSE literature and buy graphic art versions of the Shakespeare and novel if they exist. Try and chat about what she's learning in science and get her to explain to you how maths is now done as it is very different (Ime) from it was taught a generation ago.

Help her organise all her materials with files and folders and highlighter pens. I have in the past ironed and photocopied scrunched up sheets of biology diagrams and geography charts so they could be filed correctly.
Make sure she has a desk with bookcase and study lamp, pen holders etc and a pinboard if possible so she has a designated place to work. Or clear a corner of the kitchen table at a set time each evening.