How much help do you expect or demand from others?

[EL8888]

I’m increasingly perplexed by other peoples expectations on here and in my own life. Person a who is a family member instructed me l am to help another family member move house. They aren’t assisting as they “can’t be bothered”.

Person b during a row said l should have helped her and her family to move house a couple of years ago as they are “so” busy. They never asked me and yeah l had my own stuff going on.

Just for clarity we are moving shortly and no one has offered to help us (including person a or b). Not that we were expecting it. Oh and l left for work around 7am today and I’ve been back less than an hour. So lm a bit busy and tired myself!!

Do lots of people imagine other people have hours of free time and just know what assistance other people want?! Or in reality everyone is busy but some people are more demanding than others?

People increasingly want a super human level of assistance from others -especially from family members with their young children. There seems to be a fair amount of moaning lately that DG’s aren’t “doing enough”.

Ya so many people expect childcare to be done by family members especially old parents. It’s selfish and really not their responsibility whatsoever.

Its the presuming. I find am busy even with teens. I have factor in traffic if I visit people after work. Still have house run even though I do part t. I know what you mean op. People just presume.

I dont expect anything and then I am never disappointed.

I live quite far from my parents, over 2 hours away, so no help from them at all. They never visit either, so I do all the trips.

I have a friend who takes Dd to school every so often, and I do the same when she needs it, but its once a month or so. I look after her DS on inset days as she works fridays. She doesnt expect but I offer.

I don't need or expect anything from anybody, we're self sufficient from all outside help from family or friends. Anything we need in terms of services is paid for.

@Mary46 true about the assuming. I don’t assume anyone has a charmed existence with lots of free time to devote to me or others!

Why didn't you have the common sense to tell these family members to bog off?

I expect nothing.

I don’t need or expect from anyone. Life’s easier this way. I had a family member though who was like it, even demanded I cleaned her house her house for her because she was sick lazy and I say had for this reason.

Gosh, how sad.
I agree you shouldn't presume . It seems people are becoming more insular though. More ' I'm all for me and mine- don't bother me'.
Sad

I think you know some very weird people, tbh, OP. The only person who’s ever volunteered my services elsewhere is my mother — because she thinks she only deserves to exist in the world if she devotes all her time to doing fun-free things for people who barely know she exists, and thought I should too — but I nipped that in the bud in my teens.

I do of course help people, but not because someone else thinks I should.

So no, I don’t recognise this. In my experience people ask very little.

I’m not sure that being entirely self sufficient is ideal either though. I was brought up to be independent and am pretty incapable of asking for help and so don’t think to offer either. I notice I’m not as close to friends and family as those who are always asking and giving favours. I think there’s a happy medium (but I haven’t found it!)

We help a LOT dropping people to places or taking things to the tip for them, OH helps a lot with his elderly nan doing odd jobs and cleaning. His own parents seem to have skipped that generation, they do 2 school runs which we pay them for and they NEVER offer to help us out despite us picking up the slack with their own parents and never offer to have the kids. They then complain about how hard done by they are and how busy they are and quite frankly it’s frustrating because we don’t see that at all 🤷🏼‍♀️ Nowt so queer as folk!

Sometimes the more you do for people list keeps on! But it should not be presumed. I try help people where I can.

Well I dunno.... I have no family to help and never have. I moved far away from my kinship networks. I don't accept any help whatsoever unless it is on condition or my being able to return it.

Expect none, demand none, offer none.

@Oblomov20 don’t worry -l did say l wasn’t going to do it. It didn’t go down well but there you go!

I live a long way from family but our group of friends do help each other out where we can. It might be feeding a cat, or picking something up from supermarket, or retrieving someone whose car has broken down. No major expectations though.

None

Is it an aunt? Have you posted about it before?

I don’t expect anything. However I am very very grateful for the level of help and support I get. I have hello from both sets of parents with my two children. Recently, I’ve had a very hard time and have been blown away by the level of love and support on an emotional and practical level from friends, family, church and my employers. I don’t know how I would have coped without it.
This madness me determined to support and be there for others as soon as I am able to again.
I’d hate to think how things would have been without the level of sacrificial care and support I’ve had. It names me think how much better life would be if we all could care for each over and help the way I’ve been helped lately.

So many typos, sorry

I WFH so get this a lot. I had a day full of meetings today and my DSis rocked up with my toddler niece early doors. She was expecting that I'd look after her all day as she "had things to do".

I make it very clear to family or friends that if they want help they need to ask and not assume I can mind read them when they need help. In the same way, I ask for help. Quick phone call asking for some help. If for any other reason than for them to feel bad when they say no. So that when it comes up in future, you can remind them of the time they didn't help.

OP are there cultural family expectations? I know that in some cultures elder family comes first over everything, and you are expected to drop everything and help.

We helped one of my DILs to move 5 times. She has never helped us move. Once her college was even closed during the week we moved, but she "needed to relax". She studied like 15 hours a week and had no job, but hey ho how very effing stressful. We studied more like 60-70 hours a week and we still helped her.