To not chip in?

[Kimbaland]

Been asked to chip in for colleagues birthday present... milestone birthday.

Did this previously for someone's retirement gift.

I got engaged last month and didn't get so much as a card. AIBU to decline chipping in?

Never heard of colleagues giving engagement card. Wedding card, yes.

Why have you changed name?

If they’d ignored your wedding, I think it’d be fair enough. Engagement- not so much.

I’ve never given a card to anyone that got engaged - friends, colleagues etc. Was I supposed to??

YANBU. I sit in a small team attached to a big team and the large team expect our team of five to contribute to all their leaving/wedding/baby presents but not to contribute to our small team.

I’ve been here a few years now and I stopped chipping in years ago as soon as I realised their intentions. My other colleague continued contributing for few more years and grew gradually disillusioned and said they wished they’d stopped contributing at the and time as I did.

Who gives engagement presents or cards?

I think the point people here is that these people will likely ignore all of OP’s milestones, this is not just about the engagement.

OP, you know your workplace best. Stand up for yourself and don’t let them take advantage of you.

It would not occur to me to get a card for someone's engagement, honestly. Cards are sold for it, but it's not really a thing.

You should feel able to contribute or not as you please about other whip-rounds at work, but that should be unconnected to how you feel about their response to your engagement.

An engagement card is barely even a thing, I'd assume you will get a wedding card/gift, which is the actual milestone event. Getting engaged just means you've decided to get married at some point in the future.....

it wouldn't cross my mind to get someone and engagement present, I didnt know they were still a thing I didn't know they were ever a thing.

OP, you must be like I used to be. Absolutely bloody invisible to the card/present coordinator. Oddly, whilst never having a birthday card, even for milestone birthdays, I was always found and asked for contributions to everyone elses cards. I used to put a single penny in...

I was once asked why I was so stingy and I asked that person how much they had contributed to my very recent birthday...

I used to get missed form the Secret Santa too, so there was an upside!

I was also rebuked one year for not making enough cake for everyone on my birthday. I made enough for my team. That was, apparently, very remiss of me.

I mentioned much about the quiet, insidous bullying, isolation tactics when I left! My boss, who was also leaving, made copious notes and commented that I was not the first staff member to leave with similar tales. He passed them on to Ofsted, as his last rebellion

At my office we do collections for birthdays, retirements, babies, weddings

Your engagement ...oh ffs really.

Why would you want a card for that. Then if you got one I guess you will want a card and collection for the wedding too so two sets of cards and money?!

Engagements used to be a big thing when people didn't live together and had set a wedding date. Now it just seems to be a relationship stage that might lead to a wedding and more than likely doesn't.

Exactly. It used to be common to give an engagement present - something for the house but less expensive than a wedding present - but now things are very different.

I didn’t even know engagement cards and presents were a thing.

It's a shame most people didnt even bother to muster a congratulations. If you don't want to contribute then don't, if it's a circular and I don't know the person I never do to be honest, I wouldn't expect them to do so for me though either!

While gives engagement cards?! Either donate or don't, but don't be spiteful because people didn't send a card for your engagement when its not even a thing!

@LagunaBubbles I realised the name + the details made it very identifying. Should've thought before I posted! 😕

@WizardOfAus I've asked MNHQ to remove the post because I pretty much identified myself without realising but they haven't yet

I think it's entirely up to you whether you contribute to a birthday collection or not. Whatever your reason for not doing so, there's no need to feel bad about it. With regard to your engagement - I don't think cards/presents are the norm for that, and people are sometimes too preoccupied to say congrats. Maybe try not to take it too much to heart.

No you're being tight and an engagement doesn't need a waste of paper card or gift.

We've someone at work who has designated themselves as the card and collections police.
I bunged in some cash for a wedding collection (reluctantly, as I barely know the person who is getting married, but whatever), and now she wants "contributions" to get them local currency for their honeymoon.
She's constant, with EVERYTHING. She wanted to buy a gift for a managers Childs third birthday.... engagements, non-milestone birthdays, house moves. It's very, very tedious.
several people are very close to to telling her to fuck off when she brings yet another envelope around.
I mostly refuse to contribute.

I am surprised that so many posters think it is acceptable to congratulate a woman on her engagement.

I was taught that you congratulate the man, but only offer best wishes to the woman; to congratulate her implies she has landed a prize.

Engagements seem very old fashioned now when most people just move in and some don't even get married until after they have had children if at all.
I would not bother with an engagement card unless it was a very close friend who threw a party

I think since it's the culture to do cards and gifts, that they could have all signed a card for your engagement for sure

I personally never chip in to presents/cards for birthdays and other social things. And I never expect to receive anything. Complete waste of money IMO when everyone has 'proper' friends and family outside of work to treat them. I will wish them a happy birthday if they make it known. Obviously a bit different if some of you are a close-knit group who actually are great friends outside of work or similar. I will sign any birthday card etc if its openly passed around, but no money from me. Similarly I'll sign a HR-purchased card for leaving/retirement/big work date (e.g. 20 years employed) no problem.