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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell her to stop complaining?

38 replies

PumpkinP · 07/03/2020 12:16

My sister met a new man 3 weeks ago. Things have been going really fast with him (already posted about it on relationships as he is literally a waving red flag!) by 2 weeks he had told her he loved her??! Wanted her to meet his mum, wanted to meet our mum, said that he will love her forever, and that if they end it will be because of her not him, because he would never end it. They have “broken up” twice since they’ve known each other.

The thing is she is constantly saying she is going to end it, saying that he’s having a go at her, etc. On Friday she called to say it’s “done” because he was demanding to know about her past and trying to make out that he had some ‘dirt’ on her. She thinks he was just making it up because he is insecure because his ex cheated on him apparently. They were due to go to the cinema yesterday but she said she isn’t going anymore because he was being rude to her. later she messages me to tell me she’s at his house and he screamed in her face and she wants to get away from him because she thinks he is mentally unwell. 2 hours later she’s messaging to say she’s at the cinema with him! If I say anything disapproving I get told I’m “negative” and she gets defensive. But why bad mouth him to me and get annoyed if I say anything bad about him? I’ve tried to not talk about him to her if she brings him up I try to change the conversation so I don’t get accused of being negative, but she then says “you really don’t like talking about him do you” Aibu to say you can’t bad mouth someone then expect people to not form negative opinions of them? WIBU to tell her to stop complaining about him? It’s been 3 weeks! She calls me to talk about him constantly.

OP posts:
PixieDustt · 07/03/2020 12:19

I think more than anything you need to make her see straight.
It's been 3 weeks and he's already acting like a fucking lunatic.
She has to get away, ASAP.

WickedlyPetite · 07/03/2020 12:21

Is she mentally well herself? Because I'd suggest this is not the behaviour of someone who is.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 07/03/2020 12:24

Honestly I’ve tried but she gets annoyed with me if I say anything “negative”, I’ve tried to just say “oh ok” and “ooooh” every time she brings him up but that’s when she came out with “you really don’t like me talking about him do you!?” When she messaged me last night to say they were at the cinema I just said “ok” I don’t know what else she wants me to say, she was in his house whispering whilst he was in the shower so he couldn’t hear her talk when she called saying he screamed in her face.

OP posts:
Original poster
PumpkinP · 07/03/2020 12:30

She’s not diagnosed with any mental health issues herself but I honestly think she is desperate for a relationship at whatever cost. She sees this as a good thing, him confessing love after 2 weeks Hmm she said if she meets his mum then she’s “in there” Confused and that she will be introducing him to her son soon (16) because if he introduces her to his mum she will have to. I couldn’t bite my tongue when she said that, I made it clear I disapproved of that.

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Passmethefrazzles · 07/03/2020 12:53

Bloody hell. Sorry, this is hard on you because you clearly care for her. It was bad enough before you mentioned introducing her son to his mother! Her boyfriend is clearly disturbed and potentially dangerous. You should say to her that you’re worried and if she doesn’t want you to be negative than you do not want to hear another word. Tell her he’s already abusive and controlling, she should get out now. Other than that, subject closed.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 07/03/2020 13:09

When I kind of said that to her that I don’t really want to hear about it she said “but what if we get married, so you won’t come to the wedding?!” I was like errrm it’s been 3 weeks!! Apparently he wants to get married within the next two years though. If she calls me about it today which I’m sure she will I’m just going to say that I don’t want to hear it anymore.

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Winterwoollies · 07/03/2020 15:16

Can you draw up a timeline of events of the things she’s told you about and use it to illustrate why you felt he need to ‘bad mouth’ him? Seeing it down in black and white might open her eyes. Though I doubt it’ll happen immediately. Stress it’s just because you’re worried about her, he’s showing really frightening behaviours and she deserves better.

user14366425683113 · 07/03/2020 15:18

Does she have a history of abusive relationships?

Original poster
PumpkinP · 07/03/2020 15:27

I don’t know how that would go down, like I said she is very defensive. I don’t think she will see any sense tbh, it’s any man is better than no man.

Yes she’s had abusive relationships before but they’ve always been seemingly lovely at first then turned abusive. This one is just seems outright abusive from the start.

OP posts:
user14366425683113 · 07/03/2020 15:42

Trouble is if she's used to being treated like shit in relationships and that's what she considers a normal thing you have to put up with in order to be loved, it probably makes little difference to her that he's shown his colours so soon.

And sadly there's probably very little you can say that will make a difference either than trying to avoid her cutting you off and becoming isolated. It's not a cycle she can break because someone's told her she should.

youareatwatadmitit · 07/03/2020 15:44

that she will be introducing him to her son soon (16)

So she's of a decent age then?Confused I honestly thought you were going to say she's 16. Cos that's what the drama and language here suggest.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 07/03/2020 15:49

I don’t mind her staying with him. Just stop slating him to me then have a go at me if I say anything negative about him. Why would you keep telling someone something if you don’t like their opinion on it? She’s got loads of friends I’m not the only person she can talk to. But apparently they’ve all told her to embrace it Confused she brings him up every time I speak to her, he dominates the conversation. She went to his house last weekend at 2am because he asked her to come there after a night out and he didn’t show up at all. She waited in her car for half an hour and then drove home. Then went back the next day. I just don’t want to talk about him anymore especially when she gets annoyed with me if I say anything she doesn’t like.

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Original poster
PumpkinP · 07/03/2020 15:53

And sadly no shes not young she is in her 30s

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iheartislesofwight · 07/03/2020 15:58

this isn't going to end well in any respect.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 07/03/2020 16:03

She sent me a picture after coming off the phone to me of a desk in his bedroom that had a knife on it. Clearly trying to imply she was scared of thought something might happen, it didn’t as she then cheerily says she’s at the cinema with him 2 hours later. I’m not trying to get her to break it off with him, she’s an adult and can make her own mistakes, just don’t want the constant bad mouthing him then back on with him and having a go at me for forming a negative opinion.

OP posts:
TheMustressMhor · 07/03/2020 16:10

I am not sure what the best thing to do would be.

Have you asked her DS what he thinks?

Original poster
PumpkinP · 07/03/2020 16:12

No I don’t want to involve him I doubt he knows the full extent of it all.

OP posts:
Grumpelstilskin · 07/03/2020 16:17

I've had an abusive ex, so have a lot of my closest friends. This makes me usually extremely sympathetic to another woman going through the same. But your sister is a bloody drama llama and actively contributing to this toxic circus. I know it is harder because she is your sister but I would shut down any conversation about him. You made your point and she isn't prepared to listen. Worse, she sounds like an attention-seeking and quite manipulative brat who is deliberately worrying you with OTT messages. Sorry but after the knife picture message, I would be out!

sparklefarts · 07/03/2020 16:19

I don’t mind her staying with him

Eh? Really? If that was my sister I would be doing everything I could to ensure she didn't stay with him

lesleyw1953 · 07/03/2020 16:22

I feel your pain - my youngest daughter is the same. Hours on the phone complaining about her dp's behaviour ... it's been 4 years!

Original poster
PumpkinP · 07/03/2020 16:25

Well what would you do? She turns on me if I say anything, of course I would rather she ends it but I’m not going to try to make her, it’s her decision and she’s an adult. If she wants to stay with him then that’s up to her. I do kind of think she loves the drama of it all. She updates me constantly sending screen shots of him swearing at her then saying she will forgive him if he “comes correct” if she’s wants to stay with him then that’s her business

OP posts:
Original poster
PumpkinP · 07/03/2020 16:26

Yep hours of complaining but if you dare say anything negative about them you’re the bad one Confused

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Scotsrule · 07/03/2020 16:36

It may be worth completing a Claire’s law application on her behalf if you know his details. If there is anything of concern the police will be in touch with her, it may be an eye opener for her.

Scout2016 · 07/03/2020 16:41

Was going to suggest Claire's law too.

Marmit · 07/03/2020 16:43

You bloody should mind her staying with him. He sounds really dangerous.