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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should Dd compete tomorrow?

45 replies

BringBiscuits · 07/03/2020 04:28

My dd is 12. We are clashing every day and it’s really getting me down. We argue all the time and she can flip from being nice to horrible in a moment. She screams like a toddler, she storms out of rooms, she is defiant and she is argumentative. I’m at a loss where to go or what to do. Her behaviour is getting worse and it’s making family life miserable.
But he’s my question, tomorrow she should be competing in her hobby. I had to enter her in the competition back in October and gave her the option to opt out then. She was happy to take part back so I paid £40 for her to enter. Now this evening she’s decided she’s not taking part after all. I’m really annoyed that she’s letting down her coach and is making another issue when she was ok to go up until 11pm (and to be honest that £40 has just been a complete waste as well as all the time and effort that goes into getting her to training) she couldn’t care less. I’ve said she must ring her coach in the morning and explain her reasons for not going.
Should I insist she goes or just let her have her own way? I’m awake at 4am worrying about this. If she goes we need to set out in three hours.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 07/03/2020 04:32

See how things are once she is up.

In terms of hobbies etc you've ot to let her drop what she wants to. It's a shame and she will come to regret it, but it's better than the constant battles.

Focus on the important stuuf to do with school and let her rebel with other things.

Original poster
BringBiscuits · 07/03/2020 04:37

Thanks. Just to be clear, I have not made her enter this competition. I gave her the choice before I signed her up. The club that she’s part of though do expect her to take part in competitions to some extent though otherwise she’s taking the place of someone else who might want to train with them to compete.

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 07/03/2020 04:54

I think you have to let her give up her hobby. It sounds like she doesn’t want to do it any more.

Ponoka7 · 07/03/2020 04:54

I've had three daughters go through this stage. My eldest could have literally picked a spirt to do at competition kevel, she was naturally talented, she didn't.
My youngest dropped out of horse riding. My middle underachieved at school.

We know the mistakes that they are making, but there's a level of them needing to make their own mistakes. We've just got to make sure that they aren't life changing mistakes.

She may wake up and want to compete.

There's a thread on here asking when teenage girls become nice again, which they do, from 15 onwards.

ragged · 07/03/2020 05:00

I have made mine pay entry fees up front (out of their savings, to be reimbursed if they go) in future after they pulled stunts like this. Bad enough they make me change my plans, they can take the financial hit, at least.

Hope she goes, OP. And she pays deposit on all entry fees in future.

Original poster
BringBiscuits · 07/03/2020 05:04

Thanks for the replies. I don’t know if part of the problem is nerves in which case I think she’ll regret letting nerves get the better of her?

OP posts:
Original poster
BringBiscuits · 07/03/2020 05:06

Ponoka7 , thanks will look up the thread. She is really difficult at the minute and I’m tired of the moaning and fighting. She’s always got something to moan about and she’s never in the wrong. It’s really getting me down.

OP posts:
LangSpartacusCleg · 07/03/2020 05:09

I would either insist that she goes and tell her this will be the last competition if that is what she wants or (as you have already suggested) make her call her coach to explain why she is not there. I’d also make sure I was within earshot so I could ‘correct’ her in front of the coach if she claimed illness or something similar.

I like the idea of making her pay for the competition fees and then reimbursing her if she opts out at a later date.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 07/03/2020 05:31

Does she still enjoy the hobby? I'd tell if her if she pulls out of the competition she pulls out of the hobby because you're not going to keep being the one to let the team down.

sunshineANDsweetpeas · 07/03/2020 05:34

My dd is 12 and has suddenly gone from a kind, caring, selfless girl to the devil incarnate. See how she is later and take it from there. Hopefully this stage won't last too much longer

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/03/2020 05:47

Sounds just like my dd. Yr7. See how it goes this morning. Your dd is probably really tired. I know my dd is and she has far far more energy than the average child her age. This is also the age when children are starting to split away from their parents as a natural process. The dynamic changes with disagreements and consequences and children can get big, scary feelings that they aren’t loved anymore or as much. My dd was a sticky, gooey mess the other day for just this reason. I’m is nice to the dog, you see.

Dd was adamant she wanted to give up dancing just after she started secondary. I made her stay until half term by which time it was over. Now she can’t wait to go. She gave up almost all of her other activities btw but I see this as the one she would have regretted. You know your dd and hopefully can get to the bottom of if this is a blip or time fo quit.

As for today, I don’t see the point in taking her kicking or screaming. Your solution for her to tell the coach is definitely good.

ivykaty44 · 07/03/2020 05:59

I would not go to the event, just explain that as the events are expected you’ll leave it to her to talk to the coach & your not sure whether you want to take her anymore if she’s not worried about going

Springpea · 07/03/2020 06:14

Does she get pocket money? I would let her not go, but reclaim the £40 over time so she learns about commitment. My DD wanted to do a thing last year and I had suspicions she wouldn't follow through, so I made her pay for it and promised to reimburse her if she did go through with it. You need to quietly assert yourself, perhaps, using tricks like this? If she has a phone, that could be another tool, maybe?

scrappydappydoo · 07/03/2020 06:16

I would make her do the competition because she has committed to it as I think it’s important to follow through on commitments. However, I would also say beforehand that if she wants to quit after this then that’s ok but it’s not ok to let people down at the last minute.

VadenuRewetje · 07/03/2020 06:26

it's two separate things to let her give up the hobby and to let her go back on a commitment.

if she has actually decided that this hobby isn't for her or that she wants to do it in a different way without competing, that can be fine as the new situation as from Saturday evening.

however for this competition, she has made a commitment to go, you and others have invested time and money in her going and she can't be allowed to think it's ok to not bother in those circumstances.

so do her this deal. today she goes and she competes and you will be cheering for her and supporting her and celebrating afterwards win or lose because you want to celebrate the effort and courage of being there at all, no matter the outcome.

and after three completion if she never wants to do it again that's fine with you.

Booboostwo · 07/03/2020 06:30

I’m make entry fees for the hobby part of her pocket money. If she wants to compete she pays for it herself, if she pulls out her decision, if she drops out of the hobby she can keep the money but if she wants another hobby she has to find it herself. Also she must negotiate competitions directly with her coach, you shouldn’t be the middle man making excuses on her behalf.

nolongersurprised · 07/03/2020 06:33

My DD who is about the same age had the same thing recently with a swim meet. Wanted to do it but refused at the last minute. It wasn’t the racing, it was because even though there were children at her club competing her friends weren’t. Or something. There was transient noisy shouting.

We made her go and she had a great time. I agree with the above post about following through on commitments. She loves swimming, she trains a lot by choice and gets on well with the other swimmers and the coach. It’s a part of her life that’s very separate from her family and I think that’s good. We made it clear that every meet would NOT engender all this fuss and from now on if she decided to enter then she would go.

Fancydancer · 07/03/2020 06:37

She needs to go! She committed to it, people need to learn to honour their commitments. You can’t just say you’ll do something and then drop out at the last minute for no real reason.

After the competition you can have an adult discussion about if she wants to continue

Nagsnovalballs · 07/03/2020 06:38

Make her go. If it’s nerves, you are teaching her that she can be scared and do it any way. If she’s a being a contrary little madam, she isn’t manipulating you. And then don’t do it again.

Battle this one, and then leave it, or use one of the excellent egs above such as she pays and gets reimbursed after attendance

IBelieveInPink · 07/03/2020 06:39

Absolutely agree with others, she made the decision to commit to it, and needs to stick to it. However, afterwards, then her choice if it’s time to give up the hobby.
Hope it goes okay, let us know how you get on Brew

SophieTurnersEyebrows · 07/03/2020 06:42

I also agree that kids need to learn that if a commitment is made it should be honoured, particular if other people are relying on her. I'd be insisting she goes but making it clear that once this is done she can finish the hobby.

I also love the idea about making her pay for it to be reimbursed if she goes in future if she does carry on.

lovepickledlimes · 07/03/2020 06:47

She needs to honour her commitment for today. Yes it is a hobby but people are counting on her being there and invested their time and effort in her. If after today she still wants to quit that is a different matter but today would be a none negotiable

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 07/03/2020 07:00

"Now this evening she’s decided she’s not taking part after all."

Why?
Fall out with friend on team?
Bullying by team members?
Abuse from coach?
Excessive expectations from family?
Has realised she just doesn't enjoy this sport?

For any but the last, I'd give her a pass.

Also consider where she is in her cycle. At her age I had 10-day horrendously painful periods.

Bouledeneige · 07/03/2020 07:09

Its extremely frustrating and bad to let people down. But much as we'd like to we cant physically make someone do what they are set against doing. I'd leave it. Do get her to ring and apologise to her coach though. And make your displeasure known - go and and something for yourself for the day and ignore her. Don't go pandering to her needs - she can make her own breakfast/lunch.

And if she wants to give up the hobby long term then so be it. Theyre teens and not wanting to keep doing something that takes time and effort is very normal for that age.

QuestionableMouse · 07/03/2020 07:18

Honestly it sounds like nerves to me. Give her a hug this morning and start fresh.