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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should Dd compete tomorrow?

45 replies

BringBiscuits · 07/03/2020 04:28

My dd is 12. We are clashing every day and it’s really getting me down. We argue all the time and she can flip from being nice to horrible in a moment. She screams like a toddler, she storms out of rooms, she is defiant and she is argumentative. I’m at a loss where to go or what to do. Her behaviour is getting worse and it’s making family life miserable.
But he’s my question, tomorrow she should be competing in her hobby. I had to enter her in the competition back in October and gave her the option to opt out then. She was happy to take part back so I paid £40 for her to enter. Now this evening she’s decided she’s not taking part after all. I’m really annoyed that she’s letting down her coach and is making another issue when she was ok to go up until 11pm (and to be honest that £40 has just been a complete waste as well as all the time and effort that goes into getting her to training) she couldn’t care less. I’ve said she must ring her coach in the morning and explain her reasons for not going.
Should I insist she goes or just let her have her own way? I’m awake at 4am worrying about this. If she goes we need to set out in three hours.

OP posts:

AnyOldSpartabix · 07/03/2020 07:18

If she’s committed, I think she ought to go. I know my mother would have made me, under those circumstances. She wanted to do it, you’ve paid for it. She will be letting herself and her coach down, and has potentially denied a place to someone who really wanted it.

The discussion about stopping afterwards is fine, but I feel that having committed, she should live with the consequences.

halfsoaked · 07/03/2020 07:21

If it's a team competition where they are relying on her then she should go, if it's only for her benefit then she can miss it.

saraclara · 07/03/2020 07:29

Again, she needs to honour the commitment to her coach. But I'm probably too late, if you had to set off at 7.

tiredanddangerous · 07/03/2020 07:37

She needs to go today. It’s an important lesson really that you can’t commit to something and then let people down at the last minute because you’ve changed your mind.

Oldfail · 07/03/2020 07:48

I used to do this to my mum. It was nerves.but mum was the one person I could scream at but know she would still be there for me.

She would let me have my toddler moment then come back later and talk to me.

I dont do the hobby anymore but grateful to my mum that she stuck by my and encouraged me to do the comps as it increased my confidence in general

Incontinencesucks · 07/03/2020 08:07

If she's letting others down, she needs to suck it up and do it. Then let her quit after.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 07/03/2020 08:11

So tough!

I always made my kids stick to the commitment but say they could decide to quit/take it down a notch after the event (sort of bargaining I guess)

They quit some things and stuck with other things

Mainly, I started to focus on competing in things myself as well, and try and win my own trophies . Seriously, it took the pressure of them , it also meant we could talk about pre-match nerves, how to deal with it etc.

The teens def listen to you more if you actually know what it is like

It also means they could not always count on me taking them to events as I had my own matches to attend. That made them appreciate more the times I was available to take them to theirs.

Hope you both work it out

ragged · 07/03/2020 09:17

Update us when you can, OP? Hope it's proceeding ok.

Coldilox · 07/03/2020 09:23

If she doesn’t want to go she has to call coach and explain. And the £40 to be deducted from upcoming pocket money.

Original poster

BringBiscuits · 07/03/2020 12:48

So... we are here! I was awake for ages mulling it over and this morning we gave her one last chance to make up her mind. There was one event (of 4) she was particularly dreading as she didn’t feel prepared enough. It went ok. She didn’t do particularly well in it but she did it! We had a short break for lunch and she was fine! She has two more events this afternoon and then she’s done! I told her to enjoy it as this may be her last time and she said she wanted to do more!!? 🤷‍♀️ She says last night was because she was nervous!
I am so pleased she’s managed to put nerves behind her! (For now!)
Thanks for all your replies. Really appreciate your opinions and advice.
We clash all the time at the minute. No periods yet so I’m hoping that when they start perhaps her hormones will settle??!

OP posts:

QuestionableMouse · 07/03/2020 13:08

If it's gymnastics OP see if she can specialise in the events she's best at. I used to dread vault but loved bars and beam so they were what I focused on.

Nagsnovalballs · 07/03/2020 13:10

Great update. Push through those tantrums because they are a mix of nerves and hormones. I lecture at university and I see the consequences of young people not being taught that it’s ok to be nervous and panicky and that you can feel the fear and do it anyway - and it doesn’t matter that she didn’t win but did her best, took a chance and had fun and learned something.

I have undergrads unwilling to present, terrified of new forms of assessment that are unlike their school assessment and have no confidence in their own abilities to tackle something. These are bright and hard working young people but sadly their parents didn’t get them to go through allow stakes situations like a 12yro swim meet in order to build that confidence in small but important ways. Today may have felt small but it was actually a massive developmental mile stone. You handled it brilliantly and having a nice lunch and talking it through with her was a great teaching moment.

Nagsnovalballs · 07/03/2020 13:11

Through low stakes that should have said!!!

MatildaTheCat · 07/03/2020 13:40

I would take from this the unavoidable truth that she’s going through an unpredictable and unreasonable stage. Did she lie awake worrying last night? Nope. So you can’t let it get to you so badly.

Next time I would take a more pragmatic approach and tell her you will be doing x or y and can discuss giving up after that if she still feels the same.

She very successfully dumped her anxiety onto you last night!

HerRoyalNotness · 07/03/2020 13:57

My 12yo kicks off before events too and I eventually worked out it was nerves. I’m matter of fact and tell him to get your stuff and get in the car. He knows what he has to do do just go do it.

I’m glad she went in the end.

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 07/03/2020 14:43

My rule is if I’ve paid they have to do it. Non negotiable.

Justsaynonow · 08/03/2020 23:50

My 3 did competitive events for years, but only 1 had nerves like your dd. We had her see a sport psych regularly, which helped her by giving her tools to reduce the nerves. Never went away and ended up being the reason she stopped. Our deal was, if you don't want to compete, you talk to your coaches.There was no option to do the sport and not compete. If they ever wanted to quit they had to finish out the season (we paid by season).

Glad your dd got through it but I feel your pain that she says she wants to do more. I'd feel like I'd been through the wringer, and they'd be all bouncy & happy post comp.

QuestionableMouse · 09/03/2020 01:09

@Justsaynonow doesn't quite sit right with me that your kids can only do a sport if they compete. I quit gymnastics because of the pressure to compete but if I'd been left alone I'd have kept going. I don't think sports=competition is the right attitude.

Lynda07 · 09/03/2020 01:36

Your daughter may have good reasons for not wanting to compete tomorrow. You can't force her. However when she wakes up she may decide she will do it after all.

Losing £40 is no fun but you paid it a few months ago and it's gone so don't make a big deal out of it. I'm sure you would feel the same if the event had been free, it isn't about the money but the commitment.

If she insists on not competing, try to find out why but I have a feeling it's just nerves and she'll do it.

Justsaynonow · 09/03/2020 02:46

@QuestionableMouse They were skating at a competitive club with coaches who only worked with competitive skaters, all vying for team placements, national standings and assignments from the governing body. They wanted to get those placements and assignments, and enjoyed the perks that went with excelling (jackets, trips, interviews etc). If they hadn't wanted to compete they could have gone to a recreational club with less competent coaches but that wasn't what they wanted. We said we'd support whatever they chose to do, and in return they did what was required with regard to training, nutrition, equipment, competitions etc.

I agree, sports should be available at all levels (comp & non). I certainly had no desire to force my kids to compete (and I don't think it would have worked). 2 of the 3 still skate for fun at times, and 2 are making a decent wage coaching while going to school. Life is much calmer (and less expensive) going on 1.5y post competitive life.

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