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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex has been to a concert board this week and now a weekend away

55 replies

butsandpieces · 06/03/2020 23:19

My kids ex posted on FB to say he was attending a rock concert earlier this week in Berlin.

Then he is tagged in another post to show he has gone skiing in the Alps this weekend.

I had no idea about either but that's not the AIBU.

He has voluntarily taken two trips this week, so he will have been on four planes in a few days, and he also mixed with thousands of people at the concert. He will be in close proximity with lots of people over the next few days in the chalet or hotel and on ski lifts, in bars etc.

He will want to see the children as arranged next weekend, if he picks up the Coronavirus, they will become infected and give it to me. I have incurable cancer, am on chemotherapy and have reduced immunity. My estimated death rate if I catch it is between 6 and 15% depending on what you read.

Would IBU to tell him he can't see the kids until he's been back for 14 days symptom free?

OP posts:
Original poster
butsandpieces · 06/03/2020 23:56

Can he have the kids for 14 days when he’s back ? Instead of him staying away from them for 14 days ?

Only if the schools get closed, he lives two hours away you see. If the schools were closed he would find an excuse not to have them for 14 days as he is very busy and very important and has to do busy important work things (that actually turn out to be non work things like football and rugby matches but he likes it lie and say he can't take the kids because he has to work).

OP posts:
Original poster
butsandpieces · 06/03/2020 23:57

Can he have the kids for 14 days when he’s back ? Instead of him staying away from them for 14 days ?

This would also mean he would be seeing the kids during his incubation period and when he handed them back to me they could be within their incubation period.

OP posts:
JuanSheetIsPlenty · 06/03/2020 23:58

Oh I see! Can I? There is no court order in place.

Yes you can. I would tell him when he gets back and offer him extra time with them for after the 14 days are up and as long as he is well.

By next weekend the situation wrt confirmed cases is likely to be quite a bit worse than it is now. Make sure and point this out to him.

Olawisk · 06/03/2020 23:58

@Emmelina - I would presume if the kids got sick he would have to look after them anyway until better because of the OPs treatment.

Personally OP I’d keep the kids and tell him to get lost. This is your life, it’s not a game. He can have the kids for longer after the 14 days to make up for it?

Original poster
butsandpieces · 07/03/2020 00:03

- I would presume if the kids got sick he would have to look after them anyway until better because of the OPs treatment.

If the kids got sick because he had exposed them to it, it would be too late....I would have been exposed to it by then. So I would try to keep my distance as I always do when one of them is sick but realistically it would be doing the childcare as he would make out he was too busy and important to be bothered with childcare and looking after sick children. Or indeed if he was ill himself he might not be well enough to do so. Either way would mean a immuno compressed cancer patient being exposed to Coronavirus within the confines of her own house.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 07/03/2020 00:07

Does he tend to go against what you say just for the sake of it?

If so I'd tell him that he will obviously have to take the children for 28 days after his return - his 14 day incubation period, then their 14 day period.

That said if there is no court order in place you can just tell him they are not going to him until after the 14 day period. He'd have to take you to court to object to that.

How old are the children?

lyralalala · 07/03/2020 00:09

I managed to cut a whole bit from my post

If so I'd tell him that he will obviously have to take the children for 28 days after his return - his 14 day incubation period, then their 14 day period. Then I'd add that you have lots of things on so his timing is perfect as the break will do you the power of good.

That would have had my ex claiming to be far too busy to have them at all.

LuluBellaBlue · 07/03/2020 00:10

Just a thought OP.... if I’m reading this correctly he’s not been in touch yet to say when he wants the children or what day?
It sounds like things are very vague?

If so - perhaps could you try not saying anything to him until he gets in touch about seeing the children , by which time the news and advice may have drastically changed around the virus.

He may get quarantined and stuck out there..... I definitely agree to not let him anywhere near you or the children. No questions or arguments stated as a strict rule. I literally wouldn’t even discuss it with him.

annamie · 07/03/2020 00:10

@maddy68

I don't think you can stop him and (understandably ) you are being over paranoid.

She’s not being paranoid Hmm

Original poster
butsandpieces · 07/03/2020 00:17

If so I'd tell him that he will obviously have to take the children for 28 days after his return - his 14 day incubation period, then their 14 day period. Then I'd add that you have lots of things on so his timing is perfect as the break will do you the power of good.

That would effectively mean him working from home and looking after the children for 28 days which he just wouldn't do, as he thinks he is far too important for this.

OP posts:
Original poster
butsandpieces · 07/03/2020 00:18

Does he tend to go against what you say just for the sake of it?

Yes.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 07/03/2020 00:19

That would effectively mean him working from home and looking after the children for 28 days which he just wouldn't do, as he thinks he is far too important for this.

That's exactly my point

If I told my ex he had to take our girls for 28 days, he'd disappear citing how busy and important he is, for at least 30

It would be a way he'd do what I want him to do, but let him think he'd "won"

Only works if your Ex is as petty as mine

Original poster
butsandpieces · 07/03/2020 00:20

*That said if there is no court order in place you can just tell him they are not going to him until after the 14 day period. He'd have to take you to court to object to that.
*
He will make life really difficult in other areas. For example next time I would like to swap a weekend he will say no just out of spite.

I need the collective power of Mumsnet to write him an email that is reasonable sounding and doesn't piss him off (he has to have control at all costs) but that which says he can't see them until he's been symptom free for 14 days.

OP posts:
blujohnstons · 07/03/2020 00:26

Wow.. just wow to anyone saying you are being "over paranoid" or "unreasonable" .. wouldn't care what he said you are totally right to put yourself and your children first. Take careDaffodil

sam221 · 07/03/2020 00:43

Dear Ex
I know that you are meant to have the children next week but I was wondering if having them might affect your work.
The kids school/clubs have a lot of contact with tons of people and obviously this virus seems to be getting serious.
I am concerned that should they catch and then pass it onto you, then you would end up with the children for over a month.
I would really appreciate your input on how we can best handle this situation.

Maybe sort of gear it towards concern for his interests?
Or if there is no court order in place and you need to-play hardball and don't give any contact.
Hope it all works out for you.

LaurieFairyCake · 07/03/2020 00:46

Don't do it

You are accidentally unreasonable

And not for anything you can help ThanksThe virus is about to increase exponentially through the population and at some point your child or him is going to be exposed to it. And there's nothing you can do about the future.

If he doesn't have it now and you thwart him at some point someone you know will get it or your kids will get it and you will need to act cooperatively.

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 07/03/2020 00:46

Ok do you know when he gets back? Is it this Sunday/Monday? Or closer to next weekend? If it’s Sundayish that means he only has to delay his contact with DC for just over a week from his currently planned contact (which is next weekend) which is better and easier for him to agree to.

I wouldn’t bring the topic up until closer to next weekend. Maybe the day before contact. Wait to see what the situation regarding corona virus is on a national level. It will change between now and then. Then I would email saying that it’s recommended immuno compromised don’t come into contact with people who are likely to have been exposed until after 14 days and say so dC will have to delay their contact until after the 14 days. And finish with suggesting he have them for extra time at Easter or another time that suits him.

Original poster
butsandpieces · 07/03/2020 00:53

@JuanSheetIsPlenty he's probably only gone for the weekend and he is next due to see them next weekend.

OP posts:
Antipodeancousin · 07/03/2020 03:08

Could you just tell him that if he insists on having the kids next weekend they will have to stay with him for a full 14 days and you will refuse to have them back before then?
Two weeks of missed school is a very minor disruption to their childhood than your death if you catch coronavirus.

lovepickledlimes · 07/03/2020 06:12

You are being perfectly reasonable. What is the usual arrangement? Is it every other weekend? if so could you maybe let him have 3 weekends in a row to make up for the missed weekend? or give him an extra week in the summer holidays? I am sure any reasonable person would understand ex or not

B0bbin · 07/03/2020 06:20

I'm sorry to hear about the cancer. YANBU. If he's gone off travelling without mentioning it to you, then you could forget to mention that you have plans with the kids for the next 14 days... Flowers

Weenurse · 07/03/2020 06:21

How old are DC?
Would they be old enough to make the decision not to see him until he is deemed clear of virus?

lovepickledlimes · 07/03/2020 06:25

@Weenurse Very good point. If I was old enough to choose as a child I would decline too as getting it is no fun even if it is 'no worse then the flu'.

RedHelenB · 07/03/2020 06:35

I know this us going to sound really harsh but if i had incurable cancer I'd be wanting the children to be building up as good a relationship with him as possible , so wouldn't stop my kids seeing him unless he returned with flu/cold like symptoms and then hed have to self isolate anyway.

Wa1kthisway · 07/03/2020 06:39

Has he got the sort of personality that puts lots on social media to prepare everyone for his latest reason to cancel his visit to see his children? Are you not expecting a message saying that he can't have his children because he has to self isolate for a fortnight as an excuse?
If not, maybe continue with current arrangement but provide your children with a fortnight's worth of clothes and let him know that you cannot have contact with them due to your high risk so he will have to full time parent for the fortnight and if they get sick, manage that also.
Whilst you give yourself a well deserved break and focus on your health.

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