Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lies by dh

43 replies

Idiotmc · 06/03/2020 18:48

I dont know where to start but here goes
My dh married for 17years told me when we met that he was married before and had 2 kids and was divorced.
I really didn't mind but yesterday during a discussion he admitted after knowing me for 20 years that he was never married to the other woman and only one of the children is his she would now be 23.
We have 3 DC of our own and they would be devastated by either off these stories but I am really struggling to believe which one is actually the truth.
Back story he is stay at home dad so has no money joint account but If I'm leave him he will have nothing.I do love him but really angry.
We had a big argument over something and I said are we even properly married because I never saw your divorce papers that's when he said there was no other marriage or divorce he made it up when we met as he was ashamed off having a child out off marriage. He tells loads of lies.

Everything he does in house I have to hear about him sweeping or cleaning and says we don't appreciate it as we mess it up again.

I lost the head and said I leave the house at 7.45 drop kids to school on way to work and not home to 5.30 and have to do the same the next dayand nobody thanks me for it so why does he expect me and DC to thank him for cleaning when he is at home every day.
He sits on his computer most of the day buying on Ebay from money for Bill's
I'm really struggling financially
He has a small printing business only makes profit of 150pounds a month which covers his petrol.
He cant understand why I'm angry but I think he has broken all trust.
I really dont know why I'm posting but want advice on lies.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 06/03/2020 18:52

So what happened to the ex and the kid? Are they alive? This doesn’t make much sense.

JasonBrun · 06/03/2020 18:56

How is he a stay at home dad if you are dropping the kids to school? Does he collect or do tea?

Ozziewozzie · 06/03/2020 18:58

My ex was and still is a serial liar. I think it can come from lack of confidence partly. They just can’t help by saying whatever they think is the best answer ( in their view) , rather than the truthful one. I don’t think they can change. Sadly it creeps into all aspects of their lives and everyone else’s. It really put me off him as there’s no trust or respect there.

CalleighDoodle · 06/03/2020 18:59

Why are you doing school drop offs?!

Why is he a sahd? Was that a decision made by you both?

If you want to divorce, then Divorce.

Bluntness100 · 06/03/2020 19:03

Very odd, if he has a child why are they not in contact. If the child has died how could he lie about these things, and how is he a stay at home dad if the kids are at school all day and you take them there. Do you mean he just doesn’t work?

Cherrysoup · 06/03/2020 19:04

He’s spending the bills money on eBay? Kids are at school? I’d kick his lazy arse into a job.

Bobbiepin · 06/03/2020 19:06

He tells loads of lies.

This says it all to me. I'm sorry you're dealing with this Flowers

Booberella9 · 06/03/2020 19:07

How is he SAHD if no DC there to look after? Hmm

Surely the phantom marriage is the least of your problems with this man

Cocobean30 · 06/03/2020 19:10

You don’t have to stay with him just because he will have ‘nothing’ if you leave. That’s not your responsibility, he will just have to get a job and sort his own life out. Seems like he’s making life miserable and seeing as he’s at home all day cleaning is the default to do. I work from home and clean loads just because I’m already here anyway!

NotStayingIn · 06/03/2020 19:19

I’m so confused. Has he been seeing these children from his previous ‘marriage’. If not, wasn’t that rather off putting? Or did he have some amazing reason as to why there was no contact?

Do you know these children? I wouldn’t be able to forgive someone who lied to me for 20 years about how many children he had. Wtf? He sounds like an utter lazy lying piece of shit.

Original poster
Idiotmc · 06/03/2020 19:45

We are living in a different country. He told me when he met that his wife left him and took his 2 children.
Both his parents are dead that bit is truth.
We live near my family.
He did all childcare when kids where at home and he does do alot in the house.
It did work as didn't need to pay childcare.
He uses the money he makes on printing to buy on Ebay so doesn't contribute financially to house.
I'm so mad he lied for 20 years he was married but relieved also but I shouldn't had to live with his lie for 20 years.

OP posts:
MadameBee · 06/03/2020 19:49

Well what does it say on your marriage certificate?

MadameBee · 06/03/2020 19:50

Previous marriage dissolved or Bachelor?

HoffiCoffi13 · 06/03/2020 19:53

So you just accepted that he had children that he never ever saw?

Josette77 · 06/03/2020 20:20

So you never met his kids? He never visited them???

Original poster
Idiotmc · 06/03/2020 20:30

He lived with them before we met in another country and she left and he didn't know where they went. His mum had photos off them when she lived in a care home she was mentally and physically disabled we visited her but she couldn't speak so they definitely existed at some point. I don't mind that everyone has a past but to change the whole story 20 years later.
Now he is crying because I'm giving out about it.
Told him to go do something that I need my space.
He said he just wants a normal family life.
I told him to go look for a job.
It will be awkward if kids off school and no one at home and to be honest I never have to do much housework or cooking so it would probably be worse for me.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 06/03/2020 20:37

He has a daughter he just walked away from and has never tried to find? And you were ok with that?

TorkTorkBam · 06/03/2020 20:42

Yes. He should get a job. You do more housework.

It seems to me you are seething with resentment about imbalanced lives.

The facts of him having one biological child and one step-child not two biologicals, alongside the married vs cohabiting thing seems not at severe as you seem to think. Far more concerning is the thing you already knew: he abandoned them. Like fuck they "disappeared". The police would have been called.

Original poster
Idiotmc · 06/03/2020 21:04

He found her with another man and they left together. That's what he told me.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 06/03/2020 21:15

And he was totally fine with this man taking his child?

Bluntness100 · 06/03/2020 21:15

Oh and you believed him and that excuses him never trying to find his own child?

HoffiCoffi13 · 07/03/2020 07:16

So you were happy to procreate with someone who had never attempted to find the first children he’d produced?

dontdisturbmenow · 07/03/2020 07:28

Sorry but why does it matter so much? It was correct to say he had two children if he'd emotionally adopt the other and yes, he should have said if he wasn't married, but again, what massive difference does it make?

It sounds like you are having couple trouble. Interesting that he is complaining of what many sahm comes to moan here, looking after 3 children, trying to run a small business, doing all the cleaning, and not appreciated, tens of such posts here every week, so many he does have a point?

Sounds like you need to revisit your marriage as a whole rather than focus on these lies. A bit of shock to learn that he wasn't married, but surely better than if it's been the other way around.

Careersytype · 07/03/2020 07:38

@dontdisturb
It matters because it was a lie he told for 20 years. Which makes him a liar. Which would be unsettling.

Also, there was no reason to lie. It wouldn't have mattered either way, so why lie?

It would upset me too

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 07/03/2020 07:43

You know that 'she was having an affair and disappeared' is the usual explanation given by men whose wives (and children) eventually turn up dead, don't you?