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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is dh being unreasonable

60 replies

bigchris · 05/03/2020 21:15

Dds school have got mini options for year 9 and they involve choosing between computer science and 3 other subjects, think a language , design etc

Dh is cross that computer science can be dropped , he thinks it should be made compulsory but the issue is DD is adamant she doesn't want to do it and shouldn't be forced

Dh wants me to back him up but she seems really miserable about it and says she doesn't like python (?) And it's hard and she wants to do something she enjoys like art or design

He says he won't make her take it at GCSE but it's too important a subject to drop now

After any opinions please Smile

OP posts:
BritneyPeedOnALadybug · 05/03/2020 21:57

I’m split. I’m with you and your daughter that she should be able to pick her own subject but I am also with your husband that it should be made compulsory at that age and dropping it shouldn’t even be an option given to them. Tricky.

Quartz2208 · 05/03/2020 22:01

The real issue here is about computer science OP but that your husband truly believes this is his choice.

He has every right as a parent to say why he thinks it would be a good choice but he has NO right to decide her GCSE choices for her in this way.

You arent stuck in the middle - you clearly support her and think she is right. So the real question is why arent you telling him this.

WineGumsandDaisies · 05/03/2020 22:02

My daughter didn’t take the option to learn coding- it’s really not her thing. Instead we asked her to take lunchtime clubs and things at school that involved learning advanced word and excel and other Microsoft skills. That’s helped her enormously.

Not everyone is wired to think coding is awesome. It’s her choice and if she is forced to take it and hates it she may do really badly and that will affect her self esteem and her relationship with your DH.

Tell him it’s not about what he wants.

BritneyPeedOnALadybug · 05/03/2020 22:03

I didn't even do GCSE IT when I was at school (early 00s) because it was really boring.

doing a gcse isnt going to help though

But it’s not GCSE though, OP already said her husband won’t make the daughter take it at GCSE level if she still doesn’t want to. I did IT at GCSE because it was my choice but I wasn’t allowed to drop it in Year 9 and I think this is equivalent in this day and age.

BoredOfTheBoard · 05/03/2020 22:04

Am astounded in 2020 that there are fathers around who think they get more of a say in what their daughters study than the daughters themselves do. Tell him to get off her case. It's her life. Have you ever worked with anyone who hates their job but their dad (and it's always the father) made them study x instead of the y they wanted to do and now they're stuck with it

Curiosity101 · 05/03/2020 22:04

People don't tend to excel at things they don't enjoy. Unless she was already aligned to things like Maths and Science I wouldn't be pushing Computer Science at all (especially as she's said she doesn't want to do it).

Also...Python is not a valuable programming language and you can learn both the fundamentals and intricacies of programming online. There are lots of resources (both free and paid) for this.

For info I'm a senior software engineer who did a MSci in Genetics at University. I didn't do Computer Science at any point, programming was a hobby I had on the side which then morphed into a successful career.

Flyingarcher · 05/03/2020 22:06

I'm a secondary teacher and can only advise not to underestimate the utter misery kids go through when their parents make them do a subject that they dislike and have little motivation for. The impact on mental health is huge. I've got a child at the moment who is desperate to do arts subjects but mum wants her to be a doctor. She hates science. Please, please stand up to your husband. Perhaps she could attend coding club ( or say she will until he forgets about it).

katkit · 05/03/2020 22:07

I think it should be compulsory, but also she should t be forced to do it.

Speaking as someone who’s struggled to learn python later in life, and spends her time at work bluffing and pretending I can do it.

katkit · 05/03/2020 22:07

*shouldn’t

Mosseywossey · 05/03/2020 22:08

Do not let him push her! I have taught computer science and the amount of students we get pushed into it because parents think it’s a good idea is insane. If the student doesn’t like it or talent in that subject learning is a struggle.
They either end up hating it or getting taken out the subject because they can’t handle it and get chucked into random subjects. The student become unhappy and the teacher even more so because they are having to push the students to learn.
Plus most schools use outdated programs what in a couple of year will be replaced.

MargeryB · 05/03/2020 22:08

There's no need for her to take it. Kid's are much better prepared for coding by doing well in maths. Like anything, you need to want to do it to do well in it.

Original poster
bigchris · 05/03/2020 22:08

@BritneyPeedOnALadybug thats exactly it !

OP posts:
EyUpDuck12 · 05/03/2020 22:08

Your DH is a dick. It is DD's choice, not his. I

Dontlikeoranges · 05/03/2020 22:09

My son always wanted to do a computer science degree. Did it for GCSE then dropped it for A level as it's not needed for a degree - maths and further maths is. GCSE computer science had little relevance to general computing.

Chickychoccyegg · 05/03/2020 22:13

i have a dd the same age, about to choose her subjects, no way would i make her do a subject she hates, that is absolutely ridiculous , it should be her choice with a little discussion/guidance from parents, not parents taking over and deciding for their dc, i would not be backing dh up in your position, I'd be encouraging my dd to make sensible choices that she will enjoy.

RoscoePColtrane · 05/03/2020 22:13

If it is that big a deal in 5 years time, she can study it then. Much better that young people study what enthuses them, than they are forced to do something because blah future blah. Let her do what she is good at/enjoys and she will be a more enthusiastic learner. If my dad had TOLD me to study something, I could guarantee that would have been the subject I pissed about in just to spite him.

Avocadohips · 05/03/2020 22:15

There is a much bigger, more important thing that she will learn, if her father gets his way.

It's that she has to kotow to men. That men know what's best for her more than she does. That she can't say no to men. That even when her mum disagrees, dad's word is final.

Excuse my language, but fuck that shit.

MadamHattie · 05/03/2020 22:18

Options should be about what they enjoy as far as I'm concerned. Trying to make a child study something they do not like really can set them back as the dread of lessons can ruin the rest of their schooling. I've had 2 go through options /gcses and one currently doing their gcses. What they take now have no influence on what courses or a levels they take once they are finished

Giroscoper · 05/03/2020 22:22

You don't need computer science GCSE or A level to do CompSci at uni, they want maths and further maths.

Why on earth would you force her to do a subject she clearly hates? Stand by your daughter. Why does he get to fill in the form? Why can't you?

And Python is one of the most widely used languages in the ever increasing field of data science. It's not just a toy language.

Grumpyunleashed · 05/03/2020 23:42

@bigchris
I like the sound of you daughter.
My parents tried to force me to take 3 subjects for ‘O’ levels that I loathed i.e. Chemistry, Physics and French. As your husband proposes my parents completed and returned to form totally ignoring my wishes. I went and saw the Head of my 1300 pupil school and got all three subjects removed from my curriculum. I was 14.
Hopefully your daughter will not be as furious and unforgiving as me. I deliberately suicided every subject and exam and left school at 16 with nothing and walked into a into low paid job. That was quite a shock for my parents who had decided I would be joining the sixth form, I never told them I was leaving school.
I was still so furious I revelled in my victory and barely spoke to my parents for then next 20 years.
Perhaps your daughter is more reasonable than me, I hope so.

Wimpeyspread · 06/03/2020 00:06

Well, computer science didn’t exist when I was at school in the 60s and 70s! I did go back to college for a year in my 30s, after I had children, to do computer studies, then learned a lot as and when needed for my husband’s business, and In various jobs after that. What I learned in college is now completely obsolete. Your daughter should study things that interest her at school, as she will do far better that way, and if she needs computer science later on she can do it then. Learning does not end with school, but forcing children to do what they hate is a really good way to kill any interest in learning

PickAChew · 06/03/2020 00:14

Python will be as extinct in 25 years as it was uunheard of 25 years ago.

RedTitsMcGinty · 06/03/2020 00:21

I teach computing at university level. Even for a computer science degree, you don’t need any experience or GCSE/A-level in computing to get on most (if not all) courses. You do need maths, though.

AlunWynsKnee · 06/03/2020 00:23

I spent years programming including Python 15 years ago. Maths and logic are more important than learning a particular programming language.
You either enjoy programming or you don't. If you don't get it and enjoy the problem solving aspect then it's not for you.

TheHagOnTheHill · 06/03/2020 00:27

My DD did computed science GCSE last year.She did not enjoy it but managed a 6.Only 2 girls in the whole year did it,DD chose it because it was that or a language which she didn't like but liked the computer thing taught pre GCSE.
The ones who did well and went on to A level were the boys that had already taught themselves coding at home and enjoyed it out if school.Dd doesn't think she really learnt anything useful that she can now use.