Passive Aggressive Work Colleague

[DollyDaydream70]

Hi all
I've been working in a dept in the nhs, that is predominantly staffed by women (around 12 of us I think) for over 12 years. In that time I've always got along with my workmates, I've never had a problem with anyone.

Last year a younger woman started working in the dept (I'm 49, she's around 35) and at first I thought she was lovely, she seemed to be a bit dizzy, innocent and likeable. I would chatter to her and told her bits and pieces about my life etc (it's been a rough ride, my Father committed suicide, Son was bottled in the neck a few years ago and almost died etc) and she would confide things in me too.

However, as time went on, I noticed that she would make little, sniping remarks about me. For example, one day there was a small pen mark on my uniform and she remarked "why are all of your uniforms covered in pen marks?" Firstly, I have just one uniform that has a small biro mark on it, secondly, she said this in front of my other work colleagues, I'm sure to try to embarrass me.

Other things I've noticed are that she goes out of her way to compliment whoever is in the same room as me ALL the time.. it can be their hair, their bag, their figure, their headscarf, their makeup, photo's of their children.. ANYTHING! And then she will go on and on about it, like "Omg, that's so gorgeous, where did you get it, I'm going to get one, haven't you got fantastic taste, I love your style.." etc etc.. Really kind of over the top and a bit cringy (imho).

Also, she constantly cuts me off when I'm talking. For example, if a bunch of the girls are talking about their children and I join in, she ignores me, doesn't even look at me, cuts me off and starts talking over me about her own children or whatever. I've started to not join in group conversations because of it as I find it quite upsetting (and mildly irritating).

I know I probably sound really sensitive here, but I feel like this woman doesn't like me at all and I don't know why? I'm not bitchy, I'm friendly, helpful and kind to everyone (even on bad days!). When I first met her she told me that her Husband knows me from years back when he was a child and I was in my mid 20's, I didn't remember him, and that was the sum of that conversation..

there are other aspects to her behaviour towards me which I won't go into because this post is already long.
Am I being over sensitive and unreasonable? And either way, how would you deal with this situation? I can't just ignore her as I am in a supervisory role and she isn't, therefore I have to remain professional at all times.

I don't know if it shows in my post but I'm actually quite hurt by her attitude towards me as I really don't think I've slighted her in any way. I only ever remember being kind and compassionate towards her.

What do you all think? And what would you all do?

Does she ever pay you a compliment?

@TheReluctantCountess No, never. I know I shouldn't care, but I can't help but wonder why she's like this. I pay her compliments often (as I do the other girls). If anything she insults me, albeit in that veiled 'jokey' way that passive aggressive people do.

I’ve worked with people like this before, all you can do is act as if she’s not doing it-carry on chatting, try and act as if you haven’t noticed at all. It is very difficult o do though.

Keep your relationship with her completely professional and cool. No compliments, no chit chat. For whatever reason she has taken a dislike to you it seems so don’t waste your breath on being friendly towards her. To be honest when you are in a supervisory position it is easier to keep a distance so people know where they stand.

You can either ignore it, confront her or carry on being upset by her.
Sometime we dont always get to the bottom of things. You may not ever know why shes acting like this.
People like this are generally really self centred and insecure (or they wouldn't need to put anyone else down). I'd just try and ignore her. X

Be polite but basically ignore her. There's no point over thinking it. All you need is a working relationship. Concentrate on your real friendships.

I would personally pull her up on everything but in the same ‘jokey’ manner.

‘Why do all of your uniforms have pen on them?’

‘Goodness - you need a hobby don’t you if you’re spending time looking at my uniform? You make a comment every time I wear it. Anyone would think you’re stalking me the attention you pay my clothes’

Actually I’m lying. I’d tell her to fuck off.

My mother does this to me, OP. It’s horrible. She makes a big point of gushing over how attractive/smart/kind etc etc other women are in front of me but never, ever to me. I cop plenty of jabs about my appearance/intellect/character though. She even recently lavished praise on a colleague of mine ad nauseam despite (or likely because of her) knowing how horribly unappreciated I am at the place I work.

I know it doesn’t stop the hurt much but you have to know what she’s doing is nothing to do with you. She insecure about something. And it’s her issue to deal with. You need to grey rock the woman until she tires of it. I imagine others have noticed she’s a bit of an idiot.

”I would chatter to her and told her bits and pieces about my life etc”

”I can't just ignore her as I am in a supervisory role and she isn't”

Perhaps that’s the problem. You can’t chatter away without reserve, as if you were one of the girls, if you’re actually a manager. You do need to keep that professional distance, as YoTheGinPussyOfSMOT says.

@DrManhattan summed it up nicely.
She is a power playing CF who likes to pick on people to make herself feel better. Because you are a kind and trusting person she got you to tell her deeply personal information. The thing about her husband knowing you as a child is just weird example of a power play to make you think she knows more about you than she really does.
She mistakes your kindness as weakness which reveals a lot about her outlook.
As others have said distance yourself and don't have any more personal conversations. You know what she is like now. You know she enjoys hurtful behaviour and is hoping for a reaction from you .
You can anticipate some of her nonsense and either avoid or don't fall into the trap. Its a fine line between ignoring the behavior and standing up for yourself and it sounds contradictory but you'll have to suss it out.
You are right to be as professional as possible and ignore her nonsense. People will soon start to see her for what she is. If it gets any worse though, I'd speak to someone senior about it.

Am I being over sensitive and unreasonable?

No. You haven't had a problem with anyone else in 12 years, so you are probably not being over sensitive. I expect you are reading the situation accurately. Trust your instincts. As per PPs recommendation, try to distance yourself from her as much as you are able. Concentrate on your relationships with the rest of your team. When she sees you getting on with everyone else, I expect she will want to come back into the fold.

If you’re her supervisor then you can bring her up on it, in a professional manner... I’ve noticed that you seem to have singled me out on numerous occasions for adverse comments; why is that? It makes me and others uncomfortable so please stop.

If she butts into your conversation, I'd just raise my voice slightly and say, 'If you'd just let me finish...' it usually works wonders.

I pay her compliments often

Don't do that. I know the type and my guess is that she enjoys seeing you try to be friendly whilst never reciprocating. It makes her feel powerful. You need to find that perfect middle way between emotionally detached and friendly enough that she cannot pull you up on it. If she stops getting any kind of reaction out of you (such as either rudeness or any attempt at repairing the friendship) she may lose interest and turn her attention to some other unlucky sod.

This woman seems to have chosen you as a punchbag for all of her personal upset/ insecurities/ resentment.
That is her issue not yours.
She seems to desperately need a reaction from you, the best way forward is to not give her one, take pride in yourself from rising above her petty manipulation, let her burn herself out with trying to goad you;
Eventually she will give up or behave so badly that other people will notice and not put up with her anymore.
Bide your time and let her shoot her self in the foot.

Just go ok the turn with her.

You’ve been too nice and she sees it as weakness.

I’m really good at being hostile with out actually saying anything. Reassert your boundaries. I’ve actually had this with younger members of my office. Sometimes they don’t realise what dick heads they are being until you start being hostile back. They Always back track with their tail between their legs.

@PapayaCoconut I know the type and my guess is that she enjoys seeing you try to be friendly whilst never reciprocating. It makes her feel powerful. Is this a thing? Not reciprocating friendliness is a power trip? People are so odd.

I’m guessing your popular in that dept or you get along well with everyone?

She’s intimidated by this & wants to push you out to take your place Op.

Ignore or the next time she cuts you off just say, “I haven’t finished yet, I’m sure you don’t mind me finishing my sentence”

You need to snap back to show her you won’t tolerate this, before it gets worse

Stop being friendly to her. Just professional. If she tried to engage in conversation other than work cut her off.

The complimenting other people you cant do anything about or say anything to anyone as it will come across badly. The cutting you off is rude though, you can say 'as I was saying' or 'as i was trying to say before you cut me off' or as someone suggested up thread 'if you'd let me finish'. I'd also stop paying her compliments and be cooler with her. Being nice and friendly to her isn't working!

Call her on it.
If she comments on your uniform, say to her "what's it got to do with you?" or "is it any of your business?" Don't let her get away with the passive aggressive crap.
I work with someone who is also like this. Always making the little (unnecessary) digs. You taking all the food (I was getting a plate for a group), you burning the toast (I'd just put a slice in the toaster seconds before). In the end, I just said that "you always have to make little comments" and to shut up with the digs, basically. It's pathetic. Anyway, now this person isn't talking to me, which is absolutely fine.

Don't let her continue with it, is what I am saying.

You work in the NHS. They have policies on bullying and harassment, grievance procedures, freedom to speak up guardians and (fairly) decent HR. Read the trust policy and follow it. The first step is usually to speak to your line manager.

You are her superior and she is treating you with disrespect. You should not let it slide. It diminishes you for everyone in the team. Make it stop.

KNOW in your heart that you are better than her. You are more boss than her. Go a bit school teacher on her. Have you ever had a particularly no nonsense boss yourself? Channel that person.

‘Why do all of your uniforms have pen on them?’
Linda, that is an inappropriate comment.
Linda, don't you have work to do?
Linda, get back to work.

Cuts you off in conversation?
Do what others said. Call her out, talk louder, make sure you finish.

Be the boss
She is not your friend. You have friends elsewhere, nice ones, unlike her. No more letting her win the dominance game. Stop trying to make her like you. She's a bit of a knob. If a right knobhead liked you that would be a bit of a worry!

If she's trying to bully you like this she is probably trying to bully others too. Look out for it and stamp on it.

The next time she picks up on eg pen marks on your uniform, stop, stare at her, say very carefully ‘Just what is your problem recently? You’ve been foul to me. Is there something you need support with?’ Sympathetic head tilt, pause, walk away. Don’t look back.