Passive Aggressive Work Colleague

[DollyDaydream70]

Hi all
I've been working in a dept in the nhs, that is predominantly staffed by women (around 12 of us I think) for over 12 years. In that time I've always got along with my workmates, I've never had a problem with anyone.

Last year a younger woman started working in the dept (I'm 49, she's around 35) and at first I thought she was lovely, she seemed to be a bit dizzy, innocent and likeable. I would chatter to her and told her bits and pieces about my life etc (it's been a rough ride, my Father committed suicide, Son was bottled in the neck a few years ago and almost died etc) and she would confide things in me too.

However, as time went on, I noticed that she would make little, sniping remarks about me. For example, one day there was a small pen mark on my uniform and she remarked "why are all of your uniforms covered in pen marks?" Firstly, I have just one uniform that has a small biro mark on it, secondly, she said this in front of my other work colleagues, I'm sure to try to embarrass me.

Other things I've noticed are that she goes out of her way to compliment whoever is in the same room as me ALL the time.. it can be their hair, their bag, their figure, their headscarf, their makeup, photo's of their children.. ANYTHING! And then she will go on and on about it, like "Omg, that's so gorgeous, where did you get it, I'm going to get one, haven't you got fantastic taste, I love your style.." etc etc.. Really kind of over the top and a bit cringy (imho).

Also, she constantly cuts me off when I'm talking. For example, if a bunch of the girls are talking about their children and I join in, she ignores me, doesn't even look at me, cuts me off and starts talking over me about her own children or whatever. I've started to not join in group conversations because of it as I find it quite upsetting (and mildly irritating).

I know I probably sound really sensitive here, but I feel like this woman doesn't like me at all and I don't know why? I'm not bitchy, I'm friendly, helpful and kind to everyone (even on bad days!). When I first met her she told me that her Husband knows me from years back when he was a child and I was in my mid 20's, I didn't remember him, and that was the sum of that conversation..

there are other aspects to her behaviour towards me which I won't go into because this post is already long.
Am I being over sensitive and unreasonable? And either way, how would you deal with this situation? I can't just ignore her as I am in a supervisory role and she isn't, therefore I have to remain professional at all times.

I don't know if it shows in my post but I'm actually quite hurt by her attitude towards me as I really don't think I've slighted her in any way. I only ever remember being kind and compassionate towards her.

What do you all think? And what would you all do?

*”Am I being over sensitive?”

Maybe. The remarks you quote don’t sound to me like they’re aimed at putting you down. She certainly doesn’t sound to me as if she’s being passive-aggressive towards you. She may not feel comfortable chatting with a supervisor about personal matters. If so, that seems to me quite understandable.

It’s not easy, shifting to a managerial rôle. Not everyone enjoys it - I certainly didn’t. But I know people who do, and find it very rewarding. Good luck with it.

I work with a woman like this. Everyone else thinks she is lovely. I get bitchy digs. Other people think she is trying to be funny. She isn’t. I just avoid her and keep things things non personal. It started after I was given a responsibility. She feels insecure. I’m sure your colleague is too

Having worked in a female orientated job for years too, I've come across a few characters like this before.
I think it shows insecurities and likely rooted in previous belittling to them - like a chain or learnt coping mechanism to handle situations where they feel inferior.
You can't change them but I would take other posters advice and protect yourself by not offering up any further information about you.
You could play them at their game but I just found this draining and distracted me from what I enjoyed doing - my job role.
I wonder if that's the plan, to make you feel detached from colleagues, underminind and derailed.
I find these people often get promoted to middle management quickly, just to get rid. Helps massage their ego and swamps them in enough work they get off people's cases.

Just detach. Don’t have conversations other than essential work, be brisk but civil so she can’t complain. The f she says personal thing like ‘why do all your uniforms have pen on them’ stop dead stare at her and then shrug and move on.

She befriended you at the start because she wanted to fit in. When she got to fit in, she realised she didn't gel that well with you, and now that she doesn't need you anymore, she's happy to let you know that she doesn't think so great of you after all.

You've got to let go of such people. Most people see through to them even if their actions don't forcibly show it. Be yourself, don't react to her, be pleasant and polite but don't open up to her any longer. Her attitude will come to bite her back. I've seen it happen so many times.

Some really good suggestions here.

I suspect as you are senior she's trying to undermine you as it gives her a buzz. As others have said, you need to stop her doing it and pick her up on it. I strongly suspect you wouldn't stand for it if it was one of the other more junior women she did it to. Just because you're senior, doesn't mean you have to put up with it.

It'll feel very alien, but if you don't start to pull her up in her behaviour it'll start to undermine how others see you. They will see you as weak and someone who's being bullied by a junior member of staff.

You are not her friend, she is not yours, stop treating her as a friend

”You are not her friend, she is not yours, stop treating her as a friend.”

Exactly. Once you take on a supervisory rôle, that line is there, and has to be respected. It’s one of the reasons a lot of people (me included) decline or jump off of the managerial path.

She sounds like one of those people who mistakes kindness and friendliness for weakness. So this situation has come about as a mix of that, familiarity breeding contempt and her natural inclination to be a bit of a cow.

You need to go fully frosty on her, let her know who is boss and that you are no weakling (unless you are, in which case fake it!). Stop trying to be so matey - it is muddying the waters.

I supervised a woman who did this, friendly on the surface but constant little undermining niggles. For example, putting on her new glasses: 'Now I can see all your wrinkles'. When she realised I wasn't really sensitive about my age, she probed about for other things and eventually started saying to everyone else in the room that she didn't really think of me as her manager.

At this point, I took her aside in a private room and told her she was out of order. She completely collapsed, sobbing uncontrollably and I ended up having to comfort her (without backing down) so that she could eventually go back into the office. She went home and talked to her husband about my unfair treatment of her and I think came close to putting in a complaint about me. The things she had said, she completely minimised and the implication was I had a problem, they were jokes, she hadn't meant anything etc. I guess she could dish it out, but she couldn't take it.

We stayed friends for a while after we both left that workplace, although she occasionally referred to my unfair treatment of her. In the end, I realised it was getting to be me making contact each time and I stopped so we haven't met up for ages and I don't miss it. She liked to give the impression of being the strong one on the surface, but underneath she was a mess. Like a lot of people, she confused kindness with weakness.

I’d straight up ask her if she doesn’t like me. If she asks why then say she cuts you off and speaks over you etc.

Some good tips here. As others have said, remain professional but stop giving her compliments if she's not doing the same. For remarks like the pen one, I would look at her and say 'I'm not sure why you would feel the need to comment on that?' Make it about her being rude and overstepping the line

For remarks like the pen one, I would look at her and say 'I'm not sure why you would feel the need to comment on that?' Make it about her being rude and overstepping the line

Very good reply.

There’s no need for mutual compliment-paying. A friendly comment in passing is quite enough. Hanging around with the staff you’re managing, and joining in their chat as if you were still one of them, is not fair to them. It’s bound to cause resentment.

I know someone like her. Makes loads of little digs, yet when confronted completely breaks down and cries.
Plays the victim.

You know what’s really effective OP? Silence. She makes sarky comment , you look at her quizzically with eyebrows raised. Maintain eye contact. Guarantee she will be rushing to fill the silence and make an even bigger dick of herself publicly.
Very effective. People hate silence it makes them uncomfortable.

YY to using silence. It is a powerful tool.

"You are not her friend, she is not yours, stop treating her as a friend"

That with bells on. Stop the compliments. If you are in a senior position at work, I'd say it isn't reat to be sharing the suicide of a close relative, with someone who you've worked with for less than a year.

Use the come back for the pen ink. When she cuts across you, slightly raise your hand and tell her not to do it, but put a please on the end "can you not cut me off etc, please".

Use your rank and maturity to shut her down. Someone did the over complimenting others thing. I used to say over and over again, in my head "you poor sad, insecure Gobshite". It makes you smile.

Im going through something similar at work too....I have completely withdrawn and no longer engage in chit chat as i'm fed up with their 'banter' being directed at me.....It is becoming very tedious but im worried if i report it i will look a bit pathetic.

You have every right to feel upset, she is essentially trying to bully you through exclusion and triangulation tactics. The good news is that she sounds non-confrontational (as passive-aggressive people usually are) so all you need to do is arm yourself with a few assertive comebacks and she will go back in her box.

If she says something about your shirt say ”I'm sorry (name) but what does the condition of my uniform have to do with you?”, if she interrupts you say “I’m sorry (name) but please do not interrupt when I am speaking” etc.

She's a dick...once you know that you can move on safe in the knowledge she's horrid. However i hate that feeling when u give someone info about yourself then they turn nasty.

”You have every right to feel upset,”

But not necessarily a right to blame the junior member of staff for the situation.

It’s a learning opportunity. Back off, be her manager rather than expecting her to be your friend, and treat all those you supervise equally and fairly, without devising special put-downs and snubs for anyone. If a member of your staff behaves provocatively towards you, call her in for a private reprimand - not accusing her of having a warped “passive-aggressive” personality but just pointing out that that sort of behaviour is not acceptable in the workplace.

I didn’t like doing the reprimanding when it was necessary, and I wasn’t any good at doing it with the appropriate degree of authority. Eventually I changed jobs and stopped being a manager.

Great advice re asking to be allowed finish what you are saying, every single time.

Silence is very good too.

@CoraPirbright has nailed it too.

She is NOT your friend.
Stop treating her as such and accept it.

Don't waste another minute on her and do not make her job easier.

My taken it is - she has told you some deeply personal things, she now feels she has over shared and is punishing you for it.
With these people, it's all or nothing.

I agree with @YoTheGinPussyOfStMawesOnThigh, keep your relationship with her completely professional and cool.

There's some sort of insecurity behind her behaviour and other people have probably noticed that she makes digs at you but gushes over others...and think less of her because of it.

She's not doing herself any favours, ignore her.

Try ignoring her. If she says something, don't reply. In a crowd, make eye contact with someone else and greet them warmly, but blank her - not ostentatiously, just as though you hadn't spotted her. I hate playing these games but with some people, it's the only way you can stop them being manipulative. If you cool towards her - not by being cool, but by paying her zero attention and by always directing your comments to others, she will eventually ask what she's done wrong.