To think hanging around with self-proclaimed introverts isn’t great for your self-esteem sometimes

[UpsideRoundDown]

Firstly, I don’t think I’d describe myself as introvert or extrovert as I have tendencies towards both. Whilst I hate anything like performing or being the focus of attention, I also do get lonely without company after a bit and I enjoy social chit-chat. I’m happy in my own company, but like to get out too. That one at school who was never ‘popular’, bit always had a little group of friends.

I have a few friends/ parents of kids’ friends who identify as introverts, and they can make you feel a bit small at times. Like if you post on social media light-heartedly they might make a small dig or comment about people who do. They’ll share, in your company, about how they love alone time so you wonder if it’s a hint. They’re pretty quick to cancel things for no reason, leaving your kids let down. In general they can be quite superior towards ‘loud’ people, I do find it easier with the friends from similar backgrounds as I can do a loud laugh or get excited without judgement. They do things like post on Facebook after a day out how good it is to be finally alone with a cuppa. They tend to have very close friends, lots of family and actually have no problems wit company. They tend to ignore text messages too (I really rarely message, and certainly not for a chat, more like ‘X left their bag at yours, could we collect later if you’re in’. I’ve learnt not to be chatty)

I’m not lumping them in with friends with MH histories that affect their interaction, just to be clear. They don’t tend to get superior or talk about things like being on social media too much, being loud etc. I’m talking about confident introverts, who state they are and pick and choose interaction.

Aibu to move on from some of the kids friendships because I can’t deal with the introvert rules? I feel like it’s always on their terms...

I agree, it is more complicated than being one or the other. I know that too much social interaction with large groups leaves me feeling exhausted. I find my own mental interior fuels me, but I dearly like meeting up with friends in smaller groups and feel isolated and low if I can't do this.

YABU. If these people put others down that has nothing to do with being an introvert. Just as easy to find extroverts who think they are "superior" as you put it towards quiet people.

Some introvert memes are funny, and I relate. Some like this, when posted very often, I find awkward. Like you are seen as someone that bothers people? I mean, maybe I’m an ambi-vert or something, but I’m still hardly out to bother people! Happy to bugger off or go elsewhere...

I think most people post things like that without much thought so they probably would be surprised to hear you are taking it as personal criticism.

Another introvert here. I'd echo the other responses, what you describe isn't typical introvert behaviour, more superior dickhead behaviour. Maybe they use their introversion as an excuse to act superior but there's no need for it.

It’s just a bit emo isn’t it? Oh look how deeply affected I am by the world that I want to go away and leave me alone.

It’s not a general feature of introversion.

Their behaviour has nothing to do with being an introvert. They're just dicks.

Lol OP - I think if you've got 5 kids and you are still sane at the end of the day, you are probably more to the extrovert side ;-)

My dear introvert friend and my SIL both chose to have one child, as the thought of having to interact with any more on a daily / ongoing / no escape basis made them feel ill at the prospect.

They’ll share, in your company, about how they love alone time so you wonder if it’s a hint. Well, that's you, not them, isn't it? If they're with you by choice, then of course it's not a hint. Not everything they say is about you. Life would be totally exhausting if you had to pre-censor everything you said to avoid eg "I'm really envious of long hair" if someone in the group has a neat short cut, "I like those new houses they're building at the end of the road" if someone in the group lives in a between the wars villa.

Great. Another load of introvert bashing from people with fragile egos.

Not everything they say is about you

This ^^ A thousand times.

Just as easy to find extroverts who think they are "superior" as you put it towards quiet people

I find this is far, far more prevalent. The world is organised by and for extroverts and wanting a space to think normally gets you labelled as rude, ignorant, standoffish, aloof, not a team player, etc. etc. Just like your post really, OP.

I think your friends are just rude, to be honest.

As an introvert who is also quite shy, I find the opposite. Being around extroverted people is crippling to your self esteem. You're never in the spotlight, never acknowledged, always talked over, always made to feel inadequate or boring, always wondering why you can't be one of those people who finds this all so easy and energising and who lights up the room, AND as PP said, being the one who is blamed for it for not conforming.

@Watchagotcha I never get the one child thing for escaping interaction! With 5 you just feed them and they play together. These parents of one I see engaging in role play hell 😳

If I was introvert bashing I’d not be identifying with them in some respects. If I was an extrovert, I’d say ‘I’m an extrovert’. Just because I’m not proclaiming to be an introvert doesn’t mean I don’t relate to not being in the spotlight/ lighting up a room. I’m pretty middle of the road boring, I don’t require much adapting to, but I’m not energising either.

Personally though I don’t find extroverts/ people who light up the room superior. From my observations they tend to be too busy being outgoing to focus on me and not-pick or act superior. They just crack on with it easily.

The ‘fragile ego’ comment though is the typical comment I’m referring to. The criticism of not being like them, that I must be somehow lacking in myself and adjust myself. If I say ‘hey, I’m not feeling good’ I am the problem with my fragile ego, if they say ‘hey, I’m not feeling good’ I must adapt my tone, accept being ignored for periods, be on demand of company is wanted etc. It’s not a two-way relationship where we can both say ‘can we talk/ change things a bit- I’m feeling a bit down’

i never get the one child thing for escaping interaction
As a mother of an only I can tell you you’re right when you say they need more interaction not less than those with siblings. If I wanted to reduce interaction I’d definitely have had a second child

The (rude) behaviours you describe have little to do with introversion / extraversion. Sounds like you don’t like these people much - fair enough.

If I say ‘hey, I’m not feeling good’ I am the problem with my fragile ego

You didn't say 'hey, I'm not feeling good'. You said that when introverts post something completely innocuous about needing time alone, that it's all about you and they're making unpleasant hints. Then because you don't like them knocking your self-esteem (not that I've seen any evidence they were trying) they're 'superior'.

So because of how YOU feel about YOURSELF, it's all an introverts fault for being 'superior'. Then you get upset that someone says your ego might be fragile.

Jeez.

I’m a self professed introvert. I feel really intimidated around loud ’extrovert’ types, I’ll be honest. Two of my DC are the same. Being around people for too long absolutely drains me (I’ve had medical tests to make sure nothing else is causing this). After a day in the classroom (I’m a former teacher, now a TA) I just about have enough left to function around my family. I couldn’t go out after work for a meal with the girls or anything.

I took one Of my children along to a beginner’s climbing wall session last weekend as she wanted to give it a try. She struggled to climb, despite my encouragement and one of the staff helping her. Spotting the rope next to us was a very loud and whoopy mother yelling her head off like she was at a concert.
DD wanted to leave early and doesn’t want to go again, because even though the woman was total oblivious to anyone else around them, her behaviour really knocked DD’s confidence and even though she managed to make it halfway up the wall she decided she was rubbish and would always be rubbish.

I agree with the above comments. I'm an introvert, and shy, and as @Pukkatea says, it's not great for self esteem being around extroverts... always being the one to be looked over in group conversations. I'm not rude. I never cancel an arrangement (with a very good, genuine reason). I would never post on social media about the exhaustion from socialising, because that's surely attention seeking which is exactly what I try to avoid. I much prefer being on my own, or meeting up with one or two good friends, but i never advertise that fact! I don't talk about being an introvert. I should think that's just obvious to everyone who knows me. It's not something I need to rub in anyone's face, it's just who I am. Doesn't make me a bad friend!

I'm highly introverted but don't recognise myself, or anyone else I know, in what you say.

As for introverts feeling superior, I would say the world is largely geared towards and rewarding of the extrovert personality.

I'm most certainly an introvert, but again don't recognise what you have said within myself (but in my typical fashion I will probably now over-analyse a lot of my recent interactions to figure out if I have done this ).

In a small gathering of people I am comfortable with I can talk for hours, just means that the following day my brain will be a bit more on autopilot.

I don't like the current trend of introvert=special. I wonder if it's because a lot of celebrities apparently identify as such? Who knows. Like you my DH is sort of in between introvert and extrovert so I understand what you're saying about not feeling as though you fit either category.

I don't see my introvert nature as superior or inferior, but sadly as a PP or two have stated, the world is very much geared in favour of extroverts (I found this most in work environments) so I wonder if that plays a part?

Either way it sounds like the people you are referring to are dicks and possibly introverts too (possibly!) the two aren't mutually exclusive I've found .

They sound like a bunch of twats. I would get some new friends.

These days i think that labelling yourself an introvert or extrovert is a bit like being an emo or a goth when you were at school. It means very little but it makes people feel good to belong. Gives them a sense of identity.

@NaviSprite I’d over analyse too. I have a pattern of quite high engagement vs totally non-interacting. This week I spent Monday with friends happily and out and about, Tuesday met a few different groups, then wednesday and Thursday have not spoke to a soul or wanted to go out. My problem is I’m out going for a bit, then swing the other way and feel like a twat at times!

I never knew I was an introvert. This has been eye opening. I always thought an introvert was quiet and shy, which i am not, I can be chatty, confident and outgoing. I have a busy job. But I absolutely 100% need to shut off the world for increasingly longer periods of time. I have to force myself to go out with friends or to work events. When I've had holidays with friends I always slope off on my own at every opportunity. I love being with my kids and doing stuff with them but at the end of the day I am done. They need to be quiet! I don't even like music on in the house or car because i need silence as often as possible. My friends think I'm depressed I think, because they know that although I like to see them and am good company it's a serious effort for me. I'm not depressed I just like being on my own. Thank you this has been very interesting!