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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Girl at work & Facebook

45 replies

MaleGuy · 04/03/2020 04:58

First off, I’m not someone who makes a big deal over Facebook and I know everyone can do whatever they want with it.

There’s a girl at work who I class as a great friend. We’ve spent time alone chatting about our lives and we seem to have built a great friendship. She say she trusts me 100% and I do/did trust her 100%. She also says she’s told me stuff she hasn’t told other people. This made me feel good as it’s nice to feel like you can be trusted.

Because of this Iv told her stuff about my past I have never told anyone and never thought I would tell anyone. It was a huge deal for me to tell her this stuff. She’s helped me a lot recently through depression and encouraged me to see a doctor about it which I did today.

She knows I don’t go out much so a few weeks ago (around the time Caroline Flack was in the news) I got a messages asking if I wanted to go out with her and her sister one evening which I did. Afterwards she text me saying same time next week. I brought it up last week and she still said she wanted to do it. We agreed tomorrow night. I checked with her Sunday and she acted a bit like it never happened and said she’ll get back to me. She never has about this. Before Christmas we agreed numerous times to go out as friends but she often ‘forgot’ or just didn’t mention it closer to the time so it never happened. 4 or 5 times probably.

I was looking for something on FB this week so checked her page to see if it was her who posted and there is nothing there, it’s as though she’s blocked me (or more likely everyone from Work) from seeing her FB. I feel a bit disappointed when I thought we had built a friendship on solid trust and I’d literally told her everything about my life. I’m now wondering if Iv made a huge mistake and I was just being humoured this whole time. Why would she block me if she trusts me 100%? Iv seen her post loads of pictures over Christmas for example but everything has now gone.

She is in a poor relationship and I actually think she’s close to having an affair from bits Iv heard from phone calls etc. She helps out with another business our boss owns and she spends a lot of time messaging and ringing the manager there. Maybe that has something to do with it.

I guess I’m not sure if to bring it up. Like I said the blocking doesn’t bother me, it’s more the disappointment of potentially being humoured and lied to by someone i thought was a great friend. She did message today asking how I got on at the doctors.

Or is it none of my business?

OP posts:
Sugarpea123 · 04/03/2020 05:01

Has she definitely still got a Facebook? Is her current bf controlling, could he have made her delete work friends or something? Just two idea, things aren't always as they seem. P.s. me and my friends often have to cancel plans for one reason or another

Original poster
MaleGuy · 04/03/2020 05:08

She still has FB as she does the social media for both companies so she’s always logged in FB at work. Iv seen her news feed etc.

Bf isn’t controlling like that.

I guess I’m asking do i have a right to feel disappointed and potentially lied to.

OP posts:
TheFastandTheCurious · 04/03/2020 05:08

Seems a bit intense, all this trusting 100% stuff,

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/03/2020 05:21

I'd suggest there's more going on in her relationship than you know.

It all seems a bit weird to declare your trust levels to each other to be honest.

Why don't you just call her and check in?

TheGirlWithAPrince · 04/03/2020 05:25

Yeah it does sound a bit like a childish relationship, all this trusting stuff is something you say when your like 12 or 13 to a BFF or someone you have a crush on..
And then you grow into an adult and realise life isn't like the fairytale and that
You can never trust someone 100% because anyone can stab you in the back

Original poster
MaleGuy · 04/03/2020 05:26

Im wondering if to pull her to one side for a private chat just to clear it up. We’ve known each other 10 years and always got on great. She seemed to pick up on when I became down and tried to help without me asking really.

OP posts:
ChicChicChicChiclana · 04/03/2020 05:27

So, someone you thought you were really close to seems to have blocked you on Facebook and is dithering about a loose social arrangements you'd made?

When you replied to her message why didn't you add "by the way, have you left Facebook?". Ie. just ask.

Toomanygerbils · 04/03/2020 05:29

Maybe her boyfriend didn’t like all the pics she posted with other people, or her going out with work friends. You say he’s not controlling but would you really know if she has become good at hiding the truth. This is only a theory, but since you’ve said you trust her 100% give her the benefit of the doubt and talk to her when she’s ready. This is your time to be there for her like she was for you

ShoppingBasket · 04/03/2020 05:29

I have started slowly deleting my Facebook posts and putting my photos so only I can see them. My profile now looks very bare compared to what it did 6 months ago.

HisBetterHalf · 04/03/2020 05:31

You are saying shes close to having an affair from hearsay, if she has blocked you I wouldnt blame her

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/03/2020 05:45

You really need to just ask her.
Start with the "hey, I noticed you weren't on my FB any more - has something gone wrong with your account or something?" and go from there.
She might be feeling pressurised to reduce her friends.
Her partner might not have come across as controlling, or she might not have said anything to you, but that doesn't mean he isn't. You never know what goes on behind closed doors, remember!

redcarbluecar · 04/03/2020 05:47

This does sound a bit intense. If you work with her and therefore see her a lot, maybe take your signals from face to face contact rather than Facebook. If she’s trying to cool off the friendship (which may or may not be the case - hope not), you will see this more from the way she talks to and interacts with you. If you feel brave enough, ask her (in person) if anything’s wrong.

Toffeecakes · 04/03/2020 05:48

She maybe has left Facebook, if she’s logged on all,the time but controls the business pages that most likely means the pages you’ve seen are the business pages rather than her personal account. I’d just ask her.

Original poster
MaleGuy · 04/03/2020 05:57

She’s 100% still on FB, she eats messages from family, showed me something she was going to tag me in last week. Her relationship isn’t great, her bf goes out a lot and doesn’t pay her much attention and is a bit of an idiot. He wouldn’t be controlling.

OP posts:
stayingontherail · 04/03/2020 05:59

She might just be putting in clearer boundaries for herself between work and social life and trying to put your friendship back on a work friendly track, rather than a friends one. I wouldn’t be pulling her aside, questioning her about her Facebook behaviour, or anything like that. And don’t assume it is anything to do with you personally. Just take her lead and put her back In the work friend category.

Original poster
MaleGuy · 04/03/2020 06:00

I’m thinking I’ll just pull her to one side, tell her she’s been great to me and I want to give the same back and ask her properly if everything is ok and see what response I get.

OP posts:
Tinkity · 04/03/2020 06:09

OP this is the third thread you’ve started about 2 different women at work - in the kindest possible way you need to back off & concentrate on your own DP & children.

It is not appropriate for you to be wondering if a married colleague fancies you or to over analyse this second women’s motivations & intentions regarding your friendship to this degree.

I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt & assume you’re intentions are genuine so please take this advice kindly - as a man, you need to be careful how you come across in the workplace & therefore I suggest you back off from these women & respect their boundaries.

Icecreamdiva · 04/03/2020 06:41

Your description of her BF in no way indicates he wouldn’t be controlling. Someone who goes out a lot, doesn’t pay their partner much attention and is a bit of an idiot is as likely to be controlling as anyone else.

That being said, you do sound over invested in this relationship. I’m nearly 60 and have made very good friends with colleagues in various jobs over the last 4 odd years. You could count the number of them I’ve stayed in touch with when the job has come to an end on the fingers of one hand (and one of them it was because I married her brother!). Work friends are important but they definitely come and go. Don’t rely too much on them.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/03/2020 06:48

@MaleGuy I've just noticed your username. You're way too over invested. If she's obviously close to having an affair he'll have noticed too. Maybe she's withdrawing from male friends to try and save her relationship.

SureTry · 04/03/2020 06:53

Do you devote as much care and attention to your DP and children? I think you have real boundary issues. You're coming across as an angsty teenager.

SureTry · 04/03/2020 06:59

Sorry just had a look at your previous posts. It doesn't say you have a partner or children, I was going by what a PP had stated. I do think you're over invested and should just concentrate on work whilst you're there. You could end up in trouble otherwise.

AdriannaP · 04/03/2020 07:01

YABU to call a grown up woman girl.
Your post sounds like written by a teenager. Stop getting so overinvested with work colleagues. I am sure she has her reasons. Not everyone likes being friends with colleagues in facebook.

SavoyCabbage · 04/03/2020 07:03

This is all way over the top.

Pull her over for a private chat.
Trust her 100%
Built a relationship on solid trust
I want to give the same back

If she’s your friend, and it sounds like she is a close friend, then just ask her with words in an ordinary way if she’s decided to come off Facebook. There is no need to make this a massive thing and there is no need to make it all about you either.

donquixotedelamancha · 04/03/2020 07:09

I’m not someone who makes a big deal over Facebook

Glad you cleared that up, some people might get the wrong impression.

honeyloops · 04/03/2020 07:10

If you think she has blocked you, for whatever reason, then she doesn't want you to see her Facebook any more and by extension she doesn't consider you as close as you think. So pulling her to one side for an accusatory chat that shows you've been checking up on her social media is probably just going to make her uncomfortable, unfortunately. Leave it be, and try not to form such intense relationships at work - it rarely ends well.

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