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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be gutted about my miscarriage when I have 2 beautiful, healthy children

40 replies

GuttedinGlasgow · 03/03/2020 21:24

Found out today that my baby died in utero about 2 weeks ago. I should've been 11.5 weeks but had a scan today after some bleeding and the baby was measuring 9.5 weeks with no heartbeat. I can't even describe the pain. I can't stop crying and thinking about the future with our baby that will now never happen. I feel terrible & guilt ridden that I couldn't even pull myself together for my kids this afternoon and my husband had to tell them I wasn't well so I could hide in our room. He made them dinner, gave them a bath, put them to bed etc (they didn't know about the baby, luckily). They are 7 and over so there's been a big gap and I was so looking forward to a baby in the family again. I can't see a way past this, just sadness and tears. I don't want to try again because I can't go through this again and I'm 38. AIBU to feel there will always be a gap in our family now, even though the baby never got past the 1st trimester? I feel like I don't deserve to to be so gutted when other people lose babies at full term, children die, some people never have successful pregnancies and I have 2 already. Feel free to tell me to have a word with myself and pull myself together!

OP posts:
zoomies1 · 03/03/2020 21:29

YANBU. It’s an incredibly difficult thing to go through. You had started planning a new version of your life and that has been taken from you. Take time to grieve and look after yourself. Flowers

Cinammoncake · 03/03/2020 21:30

Flowers I'm so sorry for your loss. It's absolutely normal and natural to feel this way. The miscarriage association are good people to speak to, as well as on here, and there's a miscarriage board I think. It's a very difficult thing to go through.

HillAreas · 03/03/2020 21:31

Oh my goodness OP you are being so hard on yourself!
You’ve just lost someone very precious who you never got the chance to know. That’s a very particular type of grief as you only have dreams instead of memories, but it is grief and loss all the same.
Please, please, please stop thinking you somehow shouldn’t feel your pain. You are a mother who has lost her child.
I’m so sorry you are going through this Flowers

DaisyDreaming · 03/03/2020 21:31

It’s normal to grieve. It’s wonderful that you have 2 children but let yourself grieve for the third and all the ‘what could of been’s’ that will go around your mind Flowers

PossiblyPFB · 03/03/2020 21:31

I’m so sorry for your loss. Nobody kind who hasn’t or even those who have experienced loss (so many of us!) will ever, ever tell you to have a word with yourself. You have the right to grieve what could have been with this child and it’s perfectly acceptable and normal and ok to do so. There are some good organisations out there providing support for baby loss and I’d recommend looking at them when you feel up for it. Bless you and your family Flowers

Boom45 · 03/03/2020 21:33

Completely not unreasonable. Miscarriages are painful and awful regardless if you have no children or a dozen. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time and space to grieve.

JennysTailor · 03/03/2020 21:33

YANBU, it's a really horrible and oddly lonely feeling. Go easy on yourself.

Sh05 · 03/03/2020 21:33

It's completely normal to grieve. I think we start making plans as soon as a positive test is confirmed. Please give yourself time to recover both physically and mentally.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/03/2020 21:35

I’m so so sorry you’ve lost your baby Flowers You don’t need to pull yourself together, you need lots of hugs, sleep, food if you can face it and time to grieve your loss and the loss of the hopes you had for this baby and the future with him or her.

I’ve had two missed miscarriages and the shock is hard to describe to anyone who hasn’t experienced it. I felt completely betrayed by my body for not knowing.

Did the hospital give you an idea of what to expect next?

Be very gentle with yourself, as you would a friend going through the same.

Darbs76 · 03/03/2020 21:36

So sorry OP. It’s completely normal, yes you have 2 beautiful children but that doesn’t make this loss painless. Please be kind to yourself, take this time to grieve, you really aren’t being unreasonable in any way. Take care of yourself x

honeybee1986 · 03/03/2020 21:36

Bless you. YANBU at all !!! It's a really awful experience to go through so give yourself time to be upset and grieve. Just because you have two lovely children doesn't mean you can't be sad and distraught for the life you imagined was on the way .

Lots of love and hugs xx

junecat · 03/03/2020 21:37

Yanbu, be kind to yourself xx

Alsohuman · 03/03/2020 21:38

Please be kinder to yourself. You’ve lost a bit of your future, all those hopes and dreams of your beloved third child. Of course you’re upset and you’ll grieve, it’s entirely natural. I do hope you’ll try again a few months down the line, you have so much to offer another child.

ChanklyBore · 03/03/2020 21:41

Making plans as soon as a positive test is confirmed is one of the things we are grieving, as we will never do that again. My first pregnancy ended too early and it steals joy in all the subsequent pregnancies too.

I’m sorry OP, comparison doesn’t help - there will arguably always be someone in a worse position but it doesn’t mean what you are going through isn’t shit.

Give it time. I understand having gaping holes in the family One day the memory will be a wistful ache, not today but one day.

HavelockVetinari · 03/03/2020 21:41

YANBU at all. ANY miscarriage is the loss of a life, I've had 4 and grieved for all of them. I have one healthy DS conceived through IVF and I am genuinely grateful, but that doesn't mean I'm not utterly miserable about his potential siblings that were never to be.

Be kind to yourself, it is normal and healthy to be sad, and there isn't a "right" amount of time to grieve. You can be sad for as long as you feel that way. Flowers

DDiva · 03/03/2020 21:45

It is a loss of what could have been. It's horrible physically and mentally. Take time and care of yourself. Life will become clearer but don't rush yourself.

Durgasarrow · 04/03/2020 08:01

No, of course you aren't unreasonable, my dear! Would you be wrong to feel gutted if one child died and you had two healthy children? This was your potential child as well.

Polly99 · 04/03/2020 08:30

OP, I cried my eyes out about all my miscarriages and ectopics. The last was a few years ago now and I am 45 later this year so there isn't ever going to be another baby for me. Like you I have two children but still feel very sad about my losses now sometimes. Not sure when I will completely accept what happened, it was such a big part of my life. Anyway, you are not unreasonable. You are processing something big.

steppemum · 04/03/2020 08:35

Oh of course it is ok to be feeling this way.
You are grieving, and your 2 beautiful kids don't take away from the fact that you have lost a child.

I have had 4 mc, and grieved each one. I was (in the end) incredible grateful that I have got kids, as I knwo some people have multiple mc and never have kids, but that didn't stop the need ot grieve each one I lost.

startrek90 · 04/03/2020 08:42

YANBU.
I lost a baby after having two healthy children and it is utterly devastating. What you are feeling is totally normal, and you are just as entitled to grieve and mourn your baby as anyone else. This was a much lived and wanted pregnancy. Please try and be easy on yourself. I wish you all the best.

LaurieMarlow · 04/03/2020 08:44

Of course not. Loss is loss. Allow yourself to grieve. Flowers

Whyhaveidonethis · 04/03/2020 10:16

Hugs. I am currently going through my 4th miscarriage in 10 months and it is horrible. From the second you see that positive you build hopes and plans around it.

I have 3 older dc, it doesn't seem to make it feel any better. X

Hopefulmama34 · 04/03/2020 10:26

I’m so, so sorry 💐 I lost my precious baby at 7.2 weeks in November, we had a scan two days previously where we saw a heartbeat and were full of joy. I have one DD conceived via IVF but my miscarried baby was a natural miracle, I’m 39 and thought we would never be able to have children naturally (we had been trying for three years prior to the birth of my now 4.5 year old DD). The pain even a few months later is awful, I think about my baby everyday and the life he/she (I felt it was a he) would have had and how wonderful it would have been for my DD to have a brother or sister so that she won’t be alone in life when we are gone. I’m tearing up writing this. You are not being unreasonable at all, you lost a child - it doesn’t matter how many children you have already or that others have it worse. Allow yourself to grieve. Xx

elliejjtiny · 04/03/2020 10:52

YANBU at all. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your baby. I've had 2 miscarriages and they were the worst things ever to happen to me, although like you I've been lucky enough to have living children too.

billy1966 · 04/03/2020 11:11

YABU to be so hard on yourself OP.

I am so sorry. Terribly, terribly upsetting and disappointing for you.

Obviously you were really excited.
It's a terrible loss.

Please don't fight the grief. You have every right to feel terribly disappointed at this.

Denying the grief prolongs it IME.

Accept all help and down time offered.
A couple of duvet days are in order so that you rest up and mind yourself.

So very sorry for your loss.Flowers