AIBU to be gutted about my miscarriage when I have 2 beautiful, healthy children

[GuttedinGlasgow]

Found out today that my baby died in utero about 2 weeks ago. I should've been 11.5 weeks but had a scan today after some bleeding and the baby was measuring 9.5 weeks with no heartbeat. I can't even describe the pain. I can't stop crying and thinking about the future with our baby that will now never happen. I feel terrible & guilt ridden that I couldn't even pull myself together for my kids this afternoon and my husband had to tell them I wasn't well so I could hide in our room. He made them dinner, gave them a bath, put them to bed etc (they didn't know about the baby, luckily). They are 7 and over so there's been a big gap and I was so looking forward to a baby in the family again. I can't see a way past this, just sadness and tears. I don't want to try again because I can't go through this again and I'm 38. AIBU to feel there will always be a gap in our family now, even though the baby never got past the 1st trimester? I feel like I don't deserve to to be so gutted when other people lose babies at full term, children die, some people never have successful pregnancies and I have 2 already. Feel free to tell me to have a word with myself and pull myself together!

YANBU. We have 2 great kids, followed by 4 losses, most recent a missed miscarriage a month ago.

It's just horrible, and it is ok to be sad. The best thing for me was realising this, crying, and being sad. It is part of the healing.

We aren't going to try again, so I can relate to the additional grief of that. Be kind to yourself. It is early days.

Of course YANBU! That baby you lost was still your own child, no matter how tiny, so of course you will feel like this. I'm sorry for your loss

Have a hug from me, missed miscarriages are really tough xxxx

Thanks so much for all your replies. I have honestly taken comfort from every one of them and feel more validated in my grief. My husband has been so strong through it all and initially I felt like a basket case next to him but I now realise he was holding it together for me, at least partly. I'm having a D&C procedure on Monday and wish it was sooner tbh but hopefully after it I'll have some closure - I'm sure some of you can relate. I've managed to put a brave face on things for my kids the last day or so but weirdly I feel the need to tell everyone what we're going through and now it's really annoying me what a stigma there is around miscarriage - it feels at odds with our modern society and our openness about mental health etc. I'm tempted to start a new trend - 'How are you?' - 'Well, actually, I just had a miscarriage. Yes, terribly sad, I have good days and bad days.' What would be so bad about that? How did you all deal with sharing the news?

It wouldn’t be bad at all if you feel it would help you, no harm in honesty

You’ll probably find more people than you expect have experienced miscarriage. I was touched by the stories friends and colleagues shared with me when people knew about my first mmc.

Oh OP I'm so sorry. I don't think anyone understands the overwhelming loss and grief unless they've also been there. I've had multiple miscarriages and I felt lost, adrift, and unbelievably sad after each. And although it does get easier with time, I've never forgotten my lost babies. Please take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

At the time I didn't share the news except with a few close friends / immediate family. I didn't want to be talked about at work so only told my manager - I found it easier to compartmentalise tbh - I put my face on and got through what I had to then broke down at home. Much later on I was able to be more open about my experiences (when I felt able to talk without crying) and discovered a secret club sadly. I get cross about the lack of counselling / mental health support around miscarriage - you are just expected to get on with it because 'it is one of those things'. My recurrent miscarriages nearly broke me and altered how I viewed the world / how I respond to risk etc

💐 in advance of your D&C. I also had one and did feel a little better afterwards. I know that I couldn’t have coped with miscarrying at home. The hospital also were able to send a sample of tissue for testing as I opted for surgical management. Is this an option for you (if of course you want it)? I found that it helped me to have some sort of closure.

@Hopefulmama34, sorry for you loss and thank you for your reply. I'm hoping they will test if I get there on Monday. Sadly it looks like I might miscarry naturally this weekend as I'm bleeding more and have cramps now. Not going to lie, I'm absolutely terrified of it happening at home but after the terrible treatment I received today at my local EPU while attending for a pre-op maybe it's for the best.
@Pigoons, sorry for your losses and I understand what you mean about putting a face on it, that is what I have opted for ultimately but I just wish society was different and more open about it. Perhaps we wouldn't feel so alone!

You are grieving a loss

As anyone would . And to make it worse there isn’t a funeral or much sympathy due to the nature of your loss
It’s completely normal and natural to feel this berefit

I Am so sorry

Thinking of you x it’s a year on the 15th of this month since I miscarried, and like you I have two beautiful healthy kids but it still hurts every day. I wish I were a stronger person. I shared the information with my sisters as I was meant to be meeting them that weekend but I haven’t even been able to tell my mother as I am too worried that I’ll break again. I’ll be thinking of you this weekend, take care of yourself 💐

I had a miscarriage 2 months ago after 4 years TTC and 3 rounds of IVF. Devastated doesn't cover it. I told ALOT of people and for me it was really helpful. Everyone rallied round and I felt very supportive.
I think your pain is valid xx

Supported.

Next month it'll be two years since I miscarried a baby. In the summer it'll be my baby's first birthday, yet I'll still feel the pain of the lost baby on the anniversary next month and in October when it should have been their second birthday. It does get easier, and I'm glad your husband is being supportive as without my partner I don't think I'd have made it through the summer that year.
My mother in law has experienced two miscarriages, one when she was a teenager and one after her second child. She went on to have a healthy third but her pain on losing those babies is still valid, same as your pain at losing your baby is.
I wish you all the best and I hope things get easier for you soon

OP - I note what you said about your DH. Don’t minimise what he’s feeling - as you say you’ve realised he’s been holding it together for you. What a lovely man. Men are very often sidelined in the grief process surrounding baby loss and it can be very rough on them too. Bless you both and your kids. I hope you’re doing ok.