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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stupid bluetack argument

30 replies

JasonBrun · 03/03/2020 21:24

Sorry this is a really stupid one but I can't work out if IABU or not.

I am in my study cutting out pattern peices (bits of nice fabric for some baby clothes I am making) when my husband comes in.
He wants to put up a poster that he bought me, so I find him the bluetack and we start making little bluetack balls (I can't believe I'm writing this out it's so stupid). Obviously all my fabric is still everywhere though, and he is standing over it. He can be a bit careless. So I said to him "be careful of my pattern peices". And now he's kicked off and he's stormed off. And apparently bluetack wouldn't ever damage fabric (it's knock-off and it's really greasy) and I'm just trying to cause an argument by saying that to him.

And now I'm really upset and I can't work out if I was causing a fight or its an unreasonable thing to say or what. I'm finding it harder to talk to him all the time and harder to see straight what's happening.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 03/03/2020 21:28

I think rows like that are normally down to the way someone said something, rather than what they said.

Cheeserton · 03/03/2020 21:29

What Worra said.

Cherrysoup · 03/03/2020 21:30

Blu-ray leaves ,arks on walls, it would probably wreck fabric with the grease.

CherryPlum · 03/03/2020 21:30

You didn't say anything wrong at all! It's normal to say things like 'ooh mind the..." or "be careful you don't drop it" . Why has it annoyed him so much?!

YakkityYakYakYak · 03/03/2020 21:31

YANBU about the blutack. But it doesn’t really sound like the argument was about that. Hard to say why he reacted like that over something so small. Does he think that you pick fights a lot? Could it have been the way that you said it?

Original poster
JasonBrun · 03/03/2020 21:36

I feel like there's no way I could have easily said it that would not have caused an argument. I wasn't like, mind my fabric you prick. I just said would you be careful of. He's convinced that I criticise him all the time, and that I never agree with him. Sometimes I say yes to things that I disagree with just so that he won't say that I always say no.

OP posts:
Bunnylady54 · 03/03/2020 21:36

DH & I went through several phases like this & it was nothing to do with the actual thing either of us had kicked off about. With us it was our money situation. Is anything going on in your lives to cause stress? Or has your DH always been the sort to kick off & storm out etc?

Original poster
JasonBrun · 03/03/2020 21:37

I end up so headfucked by it all I don't know what way is up anymore.

OP posts:
Bunnylady54 · 03/03/2020 21:38

Also are you able to chat about it calmly later on?

DannyNedelko · 03/03/2020 21:39

You have fake blue tack? What colour is it?

Standinguptononsense · 03/03/2020 21:39

Sounds like hes gaslighting you to me....

Original poster
JasonBrun · 03/03/2020 21:40

Everything is stressful! I'm pregnant and he is in his final year of a degree. You're right though @Bunnylady54 it probably is that.

I'm just so tired of trying to do things together and then ending up being shouted at again. It makes me just want to hide from him.

OP posts:
Original poster
JasonBrun · 03/03/2020 21:41

Usually we just do mutual "I'm sorry we faught" otherwise we just end up back in the argument.

OP posts:
Original poster
JasonBrun · 03/03/2020 21:42

It's still blue @DannyNedelko but I would say slightly darker and a bit grainier. Wouldn't recommend it tbh.

OP posts:
PistaBarfiAddict · 03/03/2020 21:43

My OH gets narked when I ask him to please wait a mo before he sits because for the umpteenth time in a week he's about to sit on something of mine - paperwork, artwork, fragile things which I put down on the bed for a bloody moment - it's getting hard not to have a tone to be honest, because it's like he's doing it on purpose. He's not, he's just an idiot who can't think unless someone else does it for him. Which I do, then I get moaned at, and 'the look' because he knows he's fucked up but he's basically sick of hearing about it yet again.

A long winded way of saying, yep, this basically happens round mine.

pickingdaisies · 03/03/2020 21:43

Yeah, I had a similar stupid argument the other day. Blew up from nowhere, left me think wtf, came to same conclusion as pp's and decided to just let it go. As in, I was technically correct, but my timing stank and I should have worded it much better. I suspect in your case, he reacted like that because in his mind he was trying to do something nice for you, and you didn't appear to appreciate that. Of course if this is starting to happen a lot, there might be more to it. And you perfectly reasonable to want to protect the fabric.

Eckhart · 03/03/2020 21:50

Do you feel like you criticise him a lot? I mean, does he do stuff like get blu tac on your fabric often?

Bluetrews25 · 03/03/2020 21:53

I'm finding it harder to talk to him all the time and harder to see straight what's happening.
That's a bit worrying!
Is this the tip of the iceberg?
MN rule is that men can start to get abusive during pregnancy, showing true colours.
Anything like that here?

Bunnylady54 · 04/03/2020 00:09

Hope you’re ok OP

Socalm · 04/03/2020 00:13

Sounds like he's really stressed about the baby?

Socalm · 04/03/2020 00:14

I'm so sorry, OP. It sounds as though it wasn't your fault at all and he is stressed.

TheTeenageYears · 04/03/2020 00:44

It’s exactly the kind of thing I would say and certainly in my house the reaction from DH and definitely DS would be similar. For us it just highlights the way we are wired. I take precaution, assess and plan for risk etc. They would both be thinking everything is okay until it’s not and by anticipating an issue that hasn’t yet happened would see it as huge criticism. You will remember every similar occasion when your DH has been clumsy, he is very likely not to remember because we remember the things that are important to us.

HmmIsThisAGoodIdea · 04/03/2020 00:51

Ugh, I've had some of that stain some of my fabric, it's an absolute git. My DD also found some and put it in her shirt pocket and now that's got a horrible mark on it that I can't get out either. It can also be difficult to get out of some fibres - think chewing gum...

Merryoldgoat · 04/03/2020 00:59

Even if he was a bit narked because you sounded a bit arsey he took it too far.

It sounds to me like he’s not very nice.

Is he worse since you got pregnant? Is this your first child?

I’ve been with my DH for 14 years. He’s literally NEVER spoken to me like that and I can be a right twat.

Original poster
JasonBrun · 04/03/2020 09:57

Hi all, thanks for your posts.

Obviously this isn't the only occasion of him being really verbally aggressive in a way that feels completely out of nowhere to me. I promised myself after last time that I wouldn't put up with it any more. On that occasion he repeatedly screamed at me that I was stupid, in the middle of town and in front of my one year old.

I know that he is under a lot of pressure but it is wearing me down and I worry about the effects on my DS and the baby I am carrying. We had another fight this morning and now I just feel exhausted and not able to be a great mum when that's all I really want. This morning's fight was about him swearing at ds. My husband suffers from PTSD and struggles to cope with the baby crying. Most mornings start with ds getting upset when I get up to go to the toilet (pregnancy bladder). I hold it as long as I can and only take perhaps 40 seconds to go. Sometimes he can handle it and comforts him but some mornings he will speak harshly to him and swear at him.
The other day I heard him go "oh for fucks sake Dsname" and now he is older and understands I just don't think it's acceptable.

OP posts: