To think she comes across as rude?

[applepeartriangle]

I have a 5.5 year old dd.
She’s doing very well at school, but is the youngest in her school year so I think emotionally she may be slightly behind. Academically she’s one of the top abilities according to her teacher.
I just don’t know what to do with her in this situation...
Basically if any of her friends or adults come up to talk to her (eg teaching assistants out of school, or friends parents in the playground, or her school friends we bump into at the park) then she point blank refuses to speak to them.
All of her little friends run up to her in the playground and say hi, and she just slams her eyes to the floor and clams up.
If friends parents ask if she enjoyed a school trip for example then she’ll do exactly the same thing, just go totally mute.
She has lots of friends in school and is being invited to play dates a lot so I don’t think it’s affecting her friendships, but I worry that it comes across as really rude.
We’ve spoken to her about just waving or saying “hello” or even smiling, but she can’t even do this.
She’s very very loud at home, one of the quieter children at school, and totally mute when people approach her out of school time. She’s fine with family.
I just worry at her age that she should be able to manage a simple hello or wave.
Apparently once she’s on a play date then she does talk to her friends parents.
Any advice? I feel like I should be making excuses for her and saying “she’s a bit shy” but not sure if this will make things worse. At the moment she just looks incredibly rude!

I’ve been researching selective mutism and I don’t think it’s that. I think she’s just very slow to warm up. I do worry that it will effect people’s perceptions of her though. She’s such a kind and lovely girl. I hate to see her coming across as rude.

My 6 year old does this. He veers wildly between extremely extrovert when in his routine places, and wildly introvert when caught out by people he knows where he doesn't expect to see them. I think it's pretty normal, and hopefully they'll grow out of it (at least a bit) as they age. I try to encourage my son to engage in such situations, but then quite often act as a buffer an engage his friends for him until he's adjusted to the unusual situation.

Obviously I have no real clue, but I'd consider these behaviours to be signs of an 'ambivert', both introvert and extrovert, and the kids just need to learn how to juggle their feelings. I'm ambivert myself so I understand it well, I'm just better able to handle it because I have 30+ years of experience.

It’s just hard knowing how to handle it! I can’t force her to speak and the more I push her too, the more of a scene it makes and the less likely she is to talk! I don’t want to embarrass her.
I do try and answer for her, but I’m not sure if that’s the correct thing to do!
If parents ask her how she is then I can see her panicking and I’ll answer “you’re ok aren’t you!” In a cheery voice.
We’ve spoken at home about how it makes people feel if she ignores them, but she doesn’t ever change!!!

God I could have written this. No advice unfortunately but cheekily following for my own benefit as it does my head in!

What makes you think it’s not selective mutism? It sounds exactly like it.

Have you had any professional involvement? Speech and language etc?

I don’t think it’s selective mutism as she warms up eventually. She’s not mute for prolonged periods of time, usually just the first 10-15 minutes. Even if we meet friends at soft play out of their usually school context then she’s the same. But after 15 or so minutes she’s absolutely fine.

I absolutely would not draw any attention to it and just answer for her. If you feel it necessary let the other parent know when she is not there that she struggles with these situations and is not seeing rude, but people will cheerfully think the best of children ime, and if they don’t they can bugger off!

If all the stress is taken out of the situation it will resolve itself in time. If you discuss it with her at all just say that you are sure she will look up and talk when she is ready to!

I should say that I have a child with severe language delay and I cheerfully answer for him if he is not going to, it seems to work fine

Mine can both be a bit like this (aged 5 and 7). It's because they get a bit freaked out when people are somewhere "unexpected" - so they would expect to see their friends and teachers at school, and it throws them off to see them elsewhere! I just smile and say "sorry, he/she is a bit shy" and laugh it off. No one seems to mind - 5 is still quite little in my eyes. My 7 year old is definitely growing out of it and getting much more confident, so I'm not worried about my 5 year old, I'm sure she will too.

And yes to needing a period of time to "warm up" - exactly the same!

I remember a thread on here once about an OP saying she has very bad facial recognition and if she sees someone out of context she doesn’t immediately recognise who they are. Do you think it could be something like that?

Ok. So best thing to do is not to draw attention to it, not grill her on how she should talk!

My little girl did this, she is 6.5 now and if she sees her friends in the park she will shout "hi xxxxx!" And run over and play with them now. She still would be quiet around adults she doesn't know too well. I wouldn't be worried at all about it I think it's totally normal.

I wouldn’t push her to talk. Back off for a while and see what happens. Maybe she’s stubborn and doing it to defy you - it may not be deliberate but some kids just hate being told what to do. It’s sounds like she’s built it up in her mind into a bigger deal than it is so I would give her space and not try to force it. It sounds like she’s doing fine at school & socially so stop worrying what people think.
My dd is the sweetest, happiest child imaginable but occasionally if we try to get her to do something she really doesn’t want to it’s like trying to move a bull!

@applepeartriangle my son is exactly the same. It use to worry me so much I use to cry once I had put him to sleep. Like you kids would literally come running up to him so pleased to see him and he wouldn’t even acknowledge they were there. I was so worried he would never make friends. He would also do the same to family not just kids, adults as well. Like you I was forever talking for him so as not to show he was rude, I found once I started the conversation for him he use to then continue it.
I use to find groups were a big no no he communicated better one to one.
He is now 9 and has got a lot better but still isn’t the child that comes bouncing over the playground to meet others or go out of his way to talk to another child or adult. He is just very quiet, quietly spoken as well when out in company of others. At home he is a non stop talker
I had parents evening recently and the teacher said he is one of the most popular kids and makes friends easily think he is better when no one is around him so he don’t feel under pressure to talk, he does it in his own way on his terms, he is finding his feet slowly.

I'd caution against excusing it by saying DC is shy, at least where DC can hear you say it. I made that mistake and he then took that and RAN with it, using shyness to hide from everything and anything. It took a LOT of hard work to pull him back from it.

I'd say instead "Oh sorry, DC just takes a little time to warm up!" instead, makes the WORLD of difference :)

My son used to do this and now my DGD does too - I would t worry at all. Just answer for her and move on.

Do not follow advice from @logicbook !
Never NEVER tell a kid they are shy! I was told this and even though I was a quiet child, it has defined me for life.

I used to be like this. Some adults (usually those without kids) did find it rude. I was just a shy kid I think people can be so harsh about these things. I judge those adults now I am one!

PS my DS6 will ignore any children he knows who are not in his class at school, even when they come right up to him and say hello. It is shyness, though do not say he is shy out loud or put him down on any way! It is perfectly normal for young children to do this. Just cheerfully say hello to the child yourself to model good behaviour.

Don't make a big deal of it at the time. She presumably already feels awkward hence the no 'hello' - drawing attention to it will make her feel more, not less, awkward.

I think I probably was this kid.

My 5 year old is exactly the same. Confident, popular and chatty in pretty much every situation but if a school friend sees him in the street he completely ignores them! Even if they are best buds once they enter the playground. I’m mortified but after reading this it seems to be completely normal!
Sometimes I think he is just embarrassed at his home and school life clashing. As adults it’s always a bit odd when you have relatives popping into work or if you bump into work colleagues at the pub isn’t it?

Do not follow advice from @logicbook* !
Never NEVER tell a kid they are shy! I was told this and even though I was a quiet child, it has defined me for life.*

Agree with the above - don't excuse it by saying it's shyness. My daughter was also like this at your daughter's age. It just took her a while to process and to be comfortable with inserting herself into situations which is a perfectly normal human response. Give her her own time - if you have to say anything make it be something positive but I would just ignore it and let her interact with others at her own pace.

I think most adults will be fairly adept at recognising when a child is being extremely shy vs extremely rude. Since it isn’t affecting her ability to build relationships with her friends and she is otherwise fairly happy, I wouldn’t be too worried.

I was a bit like her as a child and the school ran a weekly acting class for all of us shy/introverted kids, which was hugely successful and it gave me a huge confidence boost. Maybe you could look into some after-school drama classes?

She's completely normal, many primary aged kids are like this, a bit introverted in new situations until they warm up.

Just let her come out of her shell in her own time. She has friendships, she's loud at home. They're all different, it's fine.