To think she comes across as rude?

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I have a 5.5 year old dd.
She’s doing very well at school, but is the youngest in her school year so I think emotionally she may be slightly behind. Academically she’s one of the top abilities according to her teacher.
I just don’t know what to do with her in this situation...
Basically if any of her friends or adults come up to talk to her (eg teaching assistants out of school, or friends parents in the playground, or her school friends we bump into at the park) then she point blank refuses to speak to them.
All of her little friends run up to her in the playground and say hi, and she just slams her eyes to the floor and clams up.
If friends parents ask if she enjoyed a school trip for example then she’ll do exactly the same thing, just go totally mute.
She has lots of friends in school and is being invited to play dates a lot so I don’t think it’s affecting her friendships, but I worry that it comes across as really rude.
We’ve spoken to her about just waving or saying “hello” or even smiling, but she can’t even do this.
She’s very very loud at home, one of the quieter children at school, and totally mute when people approach her out of school time. She’s fine with family.
I just worry at her age that she should be able to manage a simple hello or wave.
Apparently once she’s on a play date then she does talk to her friends parents.
Any advice? I feel like I should be making excuses for her and saying “she’s a bit shy” but not sure if this will make things worse. At the moment she just looks incredibly rude!

Stop answering or apologising for her. If she knows you will cushion the social blow why would she change? Also if you are anxious about her behaviour she might pick up on it and clam down even more. You say it is not at other people’s houses during playdates where she fends for herself, so just let her be. As a parent of an also 5yo I would never think this to be rude, as most of us know kids can be shy and that is ok.

DD2(7) was like this when she met her friends (and adults too) in unexpected places. She was very gregarious at school, popular and happy according to teachers but something about meeting people out of context alarmed her and she would shut down in much the same way that your DD does, OP.

It was something she slowly dealt with and it rarely happens now, in fact I can't remember the last time. We realised that if we ignored her behaviour, ie I would chat, answer questions directed at her but not make excuses or speak for her then she would engage much more quickly than if we focused on her and tried to get her to speak.

If all the stress is taken out of the situation it will resolve itself in time

This sounds pretty likely. I would suggest maybe playing it out - it sounds like she's got some anxieties about social situations. Look up 'playful parenting' by Lawrence Cohen, he has some great ideas for how to get your kid to act out/play situations - that's how they learn, process and overcome issues.

My autistic daughter does this. She hates seeing anyone out of school and if they say hello to her she will run away or just ignore them. I’m convinced the Mums must think she/we are rude, but it seems silly answering for her so I don’t do that either. Glad to know other kids do this too!

My DD is younger (4) and is like this. I spoke with her teacher at parents evening last night and the teacher was not concerned. She said it’s a personality trait rather than a development issue and that it’s totally fine for some children to be overwhelmed or shy in some social situations. I honestly don’t think you should care if she comes across as rude and don’t feel pressured to label her as “shy” in front of others just to ease your own embarrassment (I know how you feel, it’s tempting to do this). If she can see you’re relaxed and you encourage interaction with others then she’ll model your behaviour and grow out of it over time.

One of mine was intensely shy as a younger child and wouldn't talk to most people until she felt comfortable around them. This took years in some cases, even with relatives!!

I never insisted she spoke to people without talking about it first. I'd be more curious to find out if it's the 'public' places that are affecting her or the people themselves. Is it that out of context she can't relate to them?

Personally, I've found the gentle, but firm, encouragement to take small steps less stressful for both parties. I have come across people who have tried to force their kids to speak and it's only made the more introverted.

Talk to her about other ways to communicate - how would she feel about waving or just smiling with no expectation to do more?

My DS used to put his coat over his head if he saw anyone he knew from school if we're in town and if they walked up to us he would hide behind me and sink to the floor.
I felt horribly rude for him and have to admit being guilty of apologising for him and overcompensating.
He's 10 now and while he doesn't do this anymore he is very 'cool' and doesn't really engage if he sees someone he knows while out.
Only last year he completely ignored his good friend in the park. A boy he has been really close to since nursery and remains close to today

My 11 year old was like this - I got into the habit of answering his friends for him - this wasn’t a good move as he hasn’t really got any better ! I was a very shy child too , but got a grip on it when someone told me to concentrate on trying to make other people feel comfortable rather than concentrating on how uncomfortable I felt . It’s a useful tactic and one I use to this day . I’m currently trying to get the message through to DS ... it’s not worked yet ..but I’m keeping on it

Slow to warm up is an excellent way to describe it. My middle child is still a bit like this. Though of course she’s old enough to live by social norms and will offer a quiet “hi” to adults now.

Dd1 was just like this when she was small. I can remember her friends coming up and saying hi at infant school and dd1 literally turning the other way. I used to pull her up on it and tell her it was polite to say hello back when she was spoken to. However she too always seemed to have plenty of kids who wanted to be her friend.

I spent years trying to coax her into talking to people! It took a while, but she got there. When she was a bit older I always made her go and pay for her own things in shops etc (even in France much to her horror) to put her in a position where she had to speak.

She’s now 15 and pretty confident, will speak politely to anyone, has arranged her own work experience and helps teach younger kids sport and dance. I’m so proud of who she is now, as I worried when she was little that her shyness would hold her back.

I really think this is completely normal at the age. My DD was very similar at 5. I never forced her to interact or excused her as being "shy" (I didn't want her to start labelling herself). To be honest I think it is the responsibility of the person doing the engaging (assuming it is an adult) to recognise when a young child is nervous about interacting, and to back off a bit. It annoys me when other adults see it as their mission to force a clearly shy child into conversation, as if they can "fix" them.

My DD is 9 now, and although she is still quiet, and not chatty with strangers, can cope perfectly well with regular everyday interactions.

My 12 year old DD was exactly like this and now my 4 year old DD is the same, perhaps a little worse tbh. My sons weren't/aren't like it at all, although the youngest can be shy he will still at least wave and say the odd word.

I used to be quite embarrassed when 12 y/o refused to say hello to her friends when they called over. I'd already heard not to label her as shy so I used to answer for her and offer a little explanation to the parents when convenient. I had many many conversations with her about it seeming rude and said she could at least wave etc. She can still be a bit like it now to be honest, I sometimes say to her "god, I don't know how you've got so many friends when you can't even say hello to them in the street!". But she's very popular and has an amazing social life for a 12 year old!

Now my 4 year old is even more quiet. Her teacher had said to me "we" need to get her to open up and talk a bit more. I said "I" don't, because she never shuts up at home 😂. Her teacher says if she asks her a question directly then she will answer quietly but will never ever voluntarily speak. But at home she's so confident, bossy and boisterous so I'm sure it's something she will grow out of in time.

My daughter also did this when she started school. She also hid herself in the dressing up area of the classroom and refused to join in for a few weeks. I was so worried but she had a wonderful near retirement age teacher who told me not to worry,she hade seen it all before and that she would be fine. And how right she was! My daughter is now in her twenties and very gregarious with lots of friends. Please try not to worry, she will find her voice.

My two were like this and one (6) still is. They're selectively mute and although DS6 is improving he cannot 'mix' his worlds. Selective mutism is a severe anxiety and the SLT advice was same as I had read: don't force them to speak, acknowledge their fears, but don't help them avoid the circumstances that they fear. They can communicate through you, you can demonstrate speaking normally. Force makes them shut down even more. I remember over-compensating for them (so SO jolly!) but children are clever about understanding why their friend is different in different circumstances. Long story short, you can't do anything except help them feel safe and develop confidence and give them time.

My son was somewhat like this at your daughters age. He's mostly grown out of it now.

We just made sure that he had lots of opportunities to socialise and that seemed to help.

As he's grown older I've had to push him a bit, by doing things like encouraging him to deal with a cashier by himself and little things like that. Doing that in small baby steps seems to have helped.

My DD is like this, she’s 3, and I was exactly the same when I was younger and I was often called shy and I hated it, I wasn’t shy I just didn’t know what to say or how to react in a situation I wasn’t expecting.

If anyone calls my DD shy I say no, she’s just slow to warm up.

If we’re going to the park or soft play I try and prep her that we might see x or y there and what do we say to friends when we see them etc. so she’s a bit prepared.

I dont think this is so unusual TBH. Many Young children are still making sense of their world and can be thrown "off balance " so to speak at a child /Adult coming up to them unexpectedly really. I would not say shes shy as this can be a bit of a negative label ! Just say HelloRosie ,Do you want to play? DD will probably go and see her little friend .I am middle aged and sometimes get "caught out " when I see someone Im not expecting too as well!

Mine does this too (unlike his brother who leaps at any excuse for a conversation). He is just slow to warm up, once he's comfortable with everything (it's taken a year at his school) he'll speak to the other kids, and parents that he's familiar with. Acquaintances or strangers he'll just hide behind me/his brother.

I let him, then chat to him after, about how it would be fine to say hi, that that's X's mummy or whatever.

I agree with Humphrey. Don’t draw attention to it and help her every time she needs it. It stems from anxiety, if you draw attention to it and put pressure on her to talk when she psychically can’t, you’re just going to make it worse for her. She clearly is capable of talking to people if she does on play dates, like you said, it just takes some time for her to warm up,

She is 5, surely the adults speaking to her don’t hold it against her and think it’s rude! Kids do this all the time when put on the spot by someone they’re not close to. Not all kids are extroverts 100% of the time. She will grow out of it, don’t draw attention and make it worse.

Right my son had select mutism in school.Dont draw attention to her,if she finds it easier to fist bump let her do that.Talk to the school.Dose she talk in school,play with kids..Dont force eye contact either.

Oh, this is SO normal OP. Many many children are like this. My 3rd child, who is very opinionated and confident at home / when with friends he knows, can literally say nothing in those situations.

I was a shy child, overall, except at home and when I was in a very secure setting but I was like this and continued, in some ways to be like this until well into my teens. You'd never think it of me now, but I can still remember that pressure to talk and that feeling of being like a rabbit caught in headlights.

I think covering it up, keeping it light, and chatting away, making it now big deal, is the right thing to do. You can still keep talking about it, lightly, at home, and emphasise, as she gets older, the importance of manners and saying hello, without putting massive pressure on her.

Even reading this brought back all that pressure, some of the posts saying not to talk for her and put her on the spot are horrible!

Good luck

My child is selectively mute. He isn’t rude and doesn’t come across as rude. In new places I will let the adult know but I can tell a mile off when a child is uncomfortable and doesn’t want to engage. You have to remember that she’s only 5. That’s so little, not unusual that she doesn’t want to talk to lots of strange adults or loud kids in the playground

I was like this, and there are several of the next generation in my family like this - we're just shy ! this used to be fairly normal and not pathologised as social anxiety or whatever

My mother used to just say, "Oh she's just shy." People should understand this about a 5year old child! If they don't - well, that says more about them than your DD.

Good luck to her - she will grow out of it.

I dealt with shyness throughout my teenage years by smiling - A LOT. Not necessarily speaking but smiling in situations where I felt panicked & shy.

I gradually dealt with it, so by around the age of 24 or so, when I started the job that became my career - I decided I needed to just get over myself & grow up. But 35 years on, I still take a deep breath before going into any situation where I will meet strangers.

A little boy in my youngest DD's class was precisely like this. Every contact with other adults, birthday party, etc had him hiding behind his mum or dad. With other kids though he played well and the kids just seemed to accept it. He grew up into a lovely confident boy (now 16) not at all shy. His parents were great in just being supportive, never forcing him to join in with things but encouraging him to play. His Dad was always the fun Dad in the Ball Pool with the kids etc to help him feel more confident. It will come in time, she's really little so don't push it.