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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To finish with him

30 replies

Whattododamm · 02/03/2020 20:05

So my partner is in prison for DV charges and has been for a few months. It wasnt exactly a daily or weekly occurrence but drink fueled and terrifying for our kids. We have been together 9 year and hes always been a terrible drunk. So over the past few months I've went from wanting him home to seriously considering separation if not for me but the kids. I dont think I love him anymore and i feel so bad for this but I'm scared to go back to what it was before. Maybe not at first but after a few months will it go back to the drinking abuse as before ? I dont know what to do ...

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 02/03/2020 20:07

Why on earth would you even consider having him back? It was terrifying for the kids and must have been awful for you.

cobwebfew · 02/03/2020 20:07

Of course YANBU. Keep yourself and your kids safe!!

Oscaree · 02/03/2020 23:51

Stay away from him, his behaviour will not change and you will be damaging your children long term if you subject them to this.

user1423578854468 · 02/03/2020 23:54

Yes, the abuse will continue.

terrifying for our kids

That should settle it.

Do you have an IDVA? Have you done the Freedom Programme? Do you have support?

user1423578854468 · 02/03/2020 23:56

Oh, and once would have been too many times.

madcatladyforever · 03/03/2020 00:02

I dont know what to do ...

WHAT!!! The children were terrified and he is in prison for assaulting you plus hes a terrible drunk. Sure have him back it will all be fine Hmm

I'm giving your head a wobble OP, make sure he never comes near you and the kids every again. Nobody needs a violent drunk for a husband and father.

MadameMeursault · 03/03/2020 00:05

Think of your children. Keep them away from this bastard.

CryptoFascist · 03/03/2020 00:06

I agree with the other posters.
Get access to the Freedom Programme please, you can do it online. Good luck. Please don't even consider taking him back. Your poor children.

Pandamoore · 03/03/2020 00:07

Youd be being unfair if you did have him back. On you and on your kids.

Take the time he is gone to learn about abuse and work on yourself. Lundy bankroft book 'why does he do that?' might be a good read. And watch youtube videos on narcissists by ppl like melanie tonia Evans (who have had them in their lives).

Protect yourself.

You can also take the freedom programme online.

You have been given a gift in the form of a chance to break free now he is in jail. Take it.

Move if necessary.
Do whatever it takes to keep him out if your life.

WagtailRobin · 03/03/2020 00:07

@Whattododamm Protect yourself and your children, that's what you have to do!

You don't love him, he has been abusive towards you and he drinks to the point of violence; Keep yourself and your children out of that environment because he will do it again!

Pandamoore · 03/03/2020 00:15

Oh and - abusers dont change.
Youd be mad to take someone back who'd been to jail for beating u up (or anyone else).

If a stranger off the street hit you, would you ever want to see them again? Of course not! A partner is ten times worse because they're supposed to care about you. He is a monster. Get away! Don't even visit him in there if possible. Like, run.

PumpkinP · 03/03/2020 00:22

Wow didn't even think this was allowed by ss!? I've known people who've had their kids taken off them because they stayed in abusive relationship s

BumbleBeee69 · 03/03/2020 00:23

OP I suggest you enter into therapy asap.

WhiteBadger · 03/03/2020 00:28

Oh it's all sounds quite terrifying OP. I don't know anything about these situations but are Social Services involved?

I'm not sure they would be happy about your violent, drunk ex coming back into the family home. Surely it's a safeguarding issue for the kids.

It must have been pretty awful if he's been put away that long.

Is it not great feeling safe and not terrified all the time? Do you want to go back to that, walking on eggshells?

Please take some of the amazing advice you're being offered on here. Read the books, try the programmes. I wish you all the best OP, please keep your children safe.

SnowsInWater · 03/03/2020 00:30

I would imagine that if you choose to have him home you run the risk of your children being removed by SS as you would be seen to be choosing your relationship over their safety.

1Morewineplease · 03/03/2020 00:50

Please listen to the wonderful posters on here.
You don’t need him back in your life and you need to break free from him.
You and your children deserve so much better.
Good luck OP.

thepeopleversuswork · 03/03/2020 00:55

I’m surprised you feel the need to ask. Not only are you not BU to finish with him, you would be crazy not to.

As someone else pointed out by allowing him to return you would be risking your children. Social services may very well remove them if you allow him back to the home.

Make sure you get support in place while he is in prison. Could you speak to the police about providing protection? Have you considered getting an injunction?

user1473878824 · 03/03/2020 01:20

OP, he is in PRISON for harming you. Your children are terrified. Why on earth would you stay with him? He is away from you - so many women are scared to leave. You have the chance. Do it. He’s already been put away for this, what makes you think he’s going to come out a reformed character and not kill you? Because the answer is nothing. Your children are scared. However hard it is, you leave for them.

Zombiemum1946 · 03/03/2020 02:04

When ,not if, he hits you again , it may be the final time your kids see you alive. Get out while you can. Your kids are on the way to ptsd. What happens if they try to protect you ? He's not going to stop because the kids are in way especially when drunk. What they witness at home may become a part of their relationships as adults ie they are abused themselves, or become abusers. Most women in this country are murdered by an abusive partner. I cannot emphasise this enough, get out to stay safe, and seek counselling for you and your kids.

user1471449295 · 03/03/2020 02:12

You’re a mum. You protect your kids from scum like this. That’s what you do.

AlwaysCheddar · 03/03/2020 02:14

As above. Divorce him.

chester18 · 03/03/2020 20:15

Don't have him back. You've had a bit of time to get used to being on your own if he's in prison so that will make you stronger. If you give in you'll be back to square one.

drinkygin · 03/03/2020 20:17

Sorry but this is insane. PROTECT YOUR KIDS. PUT YOUR CHILDREN BEFORE YOURSELF OR THAT ABUSIVE PRICK! Parenting 101.

OhCaptain · 03/03/2020 20:19

This is a chance for you, @Whattododamm

I think you’d benefit from therapy. Flowers

LettyFisher · 03/03/2020 20:21

I cannot believe you are even thinking of taking this man back into the house with your children. Can you imagine the damage they have already suffered?

I would suggest you need therapy as a matter of urgency.

(I read Gift of Fear, and (I suspect controversially) the author says, in relation to DV that for the first time you are a victim, and for the second and subsequent times you are a volunteer).

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