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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Once a cheat... ?

29 replies

WhoKnowsAnymore · 02/03/2020 20:00

Is it true? Asking for obvious reasons.

It happened about five years or so ago. He's been very remorseful, and has utterly turned around. I'd go as far to say he is now a very good husband. Has done everything and more to put our marriage right again. etc etc.

However, I keep reading about all these repeats of behaviour.
Is this always the case? Has anyone known any different?

YABU - to trust him, It WILL happen again
YANBU - your marriage can stay this way, mine did / I know of...

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/03/2020 20:02

It depends on the reason they cheated.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 02/03/2020 20:05

I don't think I could get over it; I didn't when DS1's Dad cheated. Partly because I couldn't see a future with him but also because I think cheating is overstepping a boundary it's not possible to recover from.

However, I have faith that for some people they can recover and move forward, and if you trust him and have both moved away from it, perhaps it doesn't need to define you.

YouJustDoYou · 02/03/2020 20:07

You will never, ever know for sure. I'm a decade down the line from finding out. It all seems fine. Nothing untowards. A better partner. Greater communication....BUT YOU WILL NEVER KNOW FOR SURE. Even the very seemingly best of men seem to cheat. You can't trust any of them when it comes to sex. Sad but true. How many times has someone said "oh never ever MINE!" And then turns out he's been shagging Stacey/Shawn from Accounts all along. Seen it happen too many times to too many women and also seen too many people blame the women when, no - men just sometimes are incapable of saying No, fuck off Stacey.

I think they can mean they will never do it again. I think people can mean to change. But I think we also need to take that a pinch of salt. Make sure we have savings. Make sure we will be ok financially if it happens again. Don't be naive again. Accept we may have to go it alone again.

Once a dog bites you, you known that dog is then capable of biting you again.

RightYesButNo · 02/03/2020 20:07

@annelovesgilbert has it.

It doesn’t have to happen again. But it absolutely will unless:

He figures out why he cheated (maybe with a therapist’s help if he wants to stay).
You then go to counseling together to work on why he cheated, and if you feel you can move past it and you can survive 50 more years without it happening again.
IF AND ONLY IF SO, the problem gets resolved and your marriage probably survives the cheating.

Without those? No chance. He’ll cheat again.

FortunesFave · 02/03/2020 20:07

I don't think it CAN be always the case but the women I know with unfaithful husbands have always cheated again.

My best friend's DH cheated on her by having an affair with her friend when their son was a newborn....he then never did it again until 15 years later.

She ALMOST left him but couldn't.

She is like you, still insecure and she tells me it's affected her self confidence badly.

But I do think some men only do it once...

FortunesFave · 02/03/2020 20:08

Yes to therapy. My mate's DH has refused all these years. His own Dad was a useless philandering spendthrift.

I am sure that's affected him.

RightYesButNo · 02/03/2020 20:09

OP - You mention all the things he’s done to put it right. Did they include therapy or counseling?

Original poster

WhoKnowsAnymore · 02/03/2020 20:16

He says that he did it because he wanted to, and was too selfish to not He says that he doesn't know why he did it, other than that.

He did say that he allowed himself to get swept up by it all, and does admit that he was the instigator at the moment it crossed it the line.

He changed jobs, off his own back, immediately. Took some time away from me, at my insistence. Has been a good husband ever since.

I just can't ignore all the stories of it happening again.

OP posts:

Curiosity101 · 02/03/2020 20:21

People definitely can change - for example people who cheat early on in a relationship because of insecurities or those that struggle to trust people. Once they learn to trust the other person and that they're safe then there is no reason to 'sabotage' the relationship by cheating.

In your case it sounds like you'd been together for quite awhile and this was probably playing out some sort of fantasy for him? I'm not sure I'd be able to get over it, but it does sound like a situation where they 'may' not ever do it again.

As a PP said - if you haven't already had couples counselling then you definitely should. And if you can't get past it then be honest about it. Life is too short to pretend.

SimonJT · 02/03/2020 20:30

I guess it depends on why they cheated and the extent of it. Someone who is capable of having an affair is probably more likely to be a repeat offender than someone who have a one night stand. I don’t know why I think that 🤷🏽‍♂️

I cheated on my ex, I snogged someone on a night out, he was an abusive, controlling twat who ruled with his fists. I don’t feel any guilt about it, it’s not something I would do again, but that’s because my current partner is a lovely, kind, thoughtful person and I would never do anything to hurt him.

Hitchingmyskirt · 02/03/2020 20:54

My partner cheated on me when we’d been together for just over 9 years. Our relationship was pants at the time. We’d fallen into a rut. We weren’t communicating, barely touched each other etc.
When I found out I was heart broken. However, it made us both look at what had gone wrong, how we’d ended up in a position where we were housemates not lovers and ultimately what we wanted. We both still loved one another and agreed we would try to stay together and fix what we had.
He cut all contact with the OW. We talked and talked. He answered all my questions no matter how many times I asked the same thing. Basically we rebuilt our relationship from the ground up.
We’ve now been happily married for almost 8 years with two small children and while sometimes we fall back into being lazy partners we can recognise that and put in the effort to improve things before they get worse.
I don’t believe once a cheat always a cheat, but I do believe that you have to know the root cause of the cheating and there has to be genuine remorse from the cheater for the person cheated on to move on.

ALbigbump · 02/03/2020 20:59

You could be me op, circs sound v similar, also around 5 years ago. We split up for 6 months after I found out. We’re in a much better place now, he’s a much better husband, I’m a much stronger wife but I will always live with an element of doubt as to him being capable of reoffending sadly

Ludways · 02/03/2020 21:19

We are 12 years post dhs after. We had counselling, we fully explored why it had happened. He was remorseful and I forgave him. After a few months i decided we couldn't move on as a couple if I kept blaming him for it, he needed to be happy in our marriage for him not to do it again, iyswim. It was hard to forget but honestly, I barely give it a moments thought anymore. No one can be trusted 100%, only that they can be trusted whilst circumstances are exactly the same, but life isn't like that. Dh and I now have the counselling to be able to recognise shifts in circumstances/personalities etc. and how they may effect us as a couple. We are stronger now than we've ever been. We know we have a relationship that can survive such an awful time, we have both seen the devastation that can happen and neither of us wants that ever again.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/03/2020 21:20

If he doesn’t know why he did it OP how does he know he won’t do it again?

EdersonsSmileyTattoo · 02/03/2020 21:22

My DF cheated on my DM when I was a young teenager.

She forgave him and they stayed together and she always said he was so remorseful and did everything he could to make her happy and they were together 49 years before DM died.

I never really forgiven him but that’s a whole other thread.

envelopeofpubes · 02/03/2020 21:32

Yes I do think people can change. But they have to want to, and you both have to put the hard work in to understand why it happened. You have to learn to communicate, almost always with the help of a professional third party. Will you ever know for sure that he won’t do it again? No, sadly not. Will you ever love him the same way again? Probably not, because the innocence is gone. But I do know that relationships can go on to be stronger and better than they were before. There is something very strengthening in stripping a relationship down to its bare bones and rebuilding it again together. It’s not something worth doing unless there is an awful lot invested in the relationship, and (not to sound like a broken record) you both really have to want it.

Ponoka7 · 02/03/2020 21:33

"He says that he did it because he wanted to, and was too selfish to not"

I'd say that given the opportunity he'll do it again. Do you really want to be with someone so selfish that they'd throw away their family and not care about hurting other people, including those that they are supposed to love?

ActualHornist · 02/03/2020 21:35

He may never do it again.

But you’ll never be sure.

If it was me, I’d never be able to regain that trust and the relationship would be over.

Ponoka7 · 02/03/2020 21:40

Also 'being the model husband' suits and benefits him. But it isn't real. It's a love bomb type of exercise.

longwayoff · 02/03/2020 21:51

If you're Carrie Symonds then yes, he will definitely cheat again and again. If not, then only you know what you can bear. Wish you luck OP.

Boom45 · 02/03/2020 21:55

I'm sure some people do cheat only once, I'm sure almost everyone thinks they'll never cheat again when they've just been caught. For me, I'd want to believe my DH wouldn't do it again but he'd never be the man I thought he was again. Even if I could trust him I'm not sure I could respect him again.

dwum · 02/03/2020 21:57

It depends. If he feels entitled to a bit of fun/excitement and has 'grass is greener' syndrome, then chances are, it will reoccur because that is fundamentally a personality flaw.

If it is a symptom of something else, then maybe he could be remorseful and faithful in the future.

Either way, I would seek professional help.

Good luck OP.

DrManhattan · 02/03/2020 22:43

I don't think I would be able to move on from that. The forgiving part is probably easier than the forgetting. It would make me feel so rubbish that I wouldn't be able to trust that person again. They have would have barely any respect for me and by having them back afterwards they would have even less.

Original poster

WhoKnowsAnymore · 03/03/2020 07:04

We did take a marriage course, which covers a lot of topics, including infidelity.
We choose that one because as well as trying to get through this, previously our marriage was in a bad place too, and we felt that we needed to address those issues too.

Interesting to see the results are only slightly over to YABU. I thought it would be a much higher vote toward that.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhoKnowsAnymore · 03/03/2020 10:24

Those that say that it's working out for them so far, what reasons did your spouse give for doing it?

I always thought that although my husbands reason was hurtful to hear, it was honest. I mean, isn't that always the reason really?

OP posts:

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