Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Stepson problems

34 replies

Confusedforreal88 · 02/03/2020 19:42

Hi I know step parents aren’t thought of too favourably but I am genuinely looking some impartial advice.

Been with dp 3 years and we have our own child plus my dd who live with us and his ds who visits eow.

He is 10. When we first met things were good. However my dp told me that the boy had emotional issues picked his skin a lot sometimes causing infected cuts. I thought this was strange that it wasn’t taken more seriously. Anyway we moved in together in the summer and I obviously have ‘rules’ I’m quite strict on bedtimes and I don’t allow devices in the bedrooms.

The picking skin continued but last week he really really hurt himself. I told dp enough was enough he had to speak to his ex to get things sorted something is obviously bothering him enough to hurt himself. I spoke to him and he told me he was being bullied. I reassured him his dad would go to the school gave him a hug then I brought the kids out for the day. The next day when he went home dp spoke to mum and she said she’d bring him to drs. They went the next day and he says the reason he does it is because he doesn’t get on with me and I don’t make him feel welcome. When dp told me I was upset then he said I had no reason to ‘make this about me’. He is going to speak to a councillor and isn’t coming down this weekend.

Dp spoke to him tonight and he asked his dad ‘did u tell xxxx what I said about her’ and dp said no. I am so annoyed at dp as I said to him I now feel like ds will think he can say whatever he wants about me as he will think I won’t find out. I am really upset tonight I have tried to make a good fair blended family. But I really feel like I’m not respected at all.

Ds has been caught out telling lies in his mum and his gran too and nothing is done in the past and it just continues. I really feel like throwing the towel in and leaving

OP posts:

EKGEMS · 02/03/2020 21:56

I'd be out the door just from the obvious neglect of his son-he clearly is crying out for help and neither parent is listening

Cherrysoup · 02/03/2020 21:59

Do you think he’s just saying this for attention? If he only see you eow, why is this impacting him? I don’t mean to demean what he’s feeling, but if he’s known to lie, is this even true?

ShawshanksRedemption · 02/03/2020 22:11

Something doesn't add up as your DP told you about the skin picking before you got together as a family.

Is it perhaps that DSS means that it's the break up that is the issue rather than you per se?

LovingLola · 02/03/2020 22:17

Do you think he is struggling with the fact that his dad has been living with you and your dd since last summer and that you have a baby together? What’s the situation with his mum do you know? Is she in a relationship?

Louise91417 · 02/03/2020 22:23

Oh dear, i experienced this with my ex,s kids...he didnt tackle it and nip it the bud and the lies escalated to unbelievable levels. If i had knew in the beginning how bad it would get i would have been out the door the first time it happened. In my experience it was lack of discipline and a parents failure to address the fact their children were craving attention for whatever reason.....no matter if your willing to help your dss, if his father isnt supportive this behaviour will escalate..

Original poster

Confusedforreal88 · 02/03/2020 22:58

His mum is married with another child too. His mum and dad broke up while she was pregnant with him so he’s never known them
To be together.

Dp has sat tonight and told me to stop making things about me and that I’m unreasonable as I have said I don’t want to be left alone with dss as I’m concerned what else he might say and all dp is saying is ‘he’s a child’. Lies are never tackled ever.

He told us his mum won’t let him come to stay then when dp asked the mum she called dss to the door and asked him why he said that as it wasn’t true. Dss then admitted it wasn’t true. But NOTHING was done. I’m actually very concerned about what else might be said about me as I would look after dss whole his dad cycles at the weekends. But apparently I’m over reacting. We just shouldnt mention it again

OP posts:

LovingLola · 02/03/2020 23:03

How long do your dp’s cycling trips take at the weekend? If he only sees his boy EOW then he should be spending as much time with him as he can.

DeeCeeCherry · 02/03/2020 23:04

His dad can stop cycling at weekends then, or take his son cycling for some bonding time.

Your H is a lazy parent, and blaming you when the issues were there before you arrived, it seems. Since it's somehow all your fault what's he going to do about it then? Keep complaining? Expect you to sort it?

I couldn't be asked, tbh. I feel sorry for this little boy but he needs attention and time from his parents. Blaming you won't resolve that.

Purpleartichoke · 02/03/2020 23:16

He should be able to talk to his father in confidence about just about anything, including you.

For the time being, I absolutely agree, you should not be caring for him solo. Something is up and until it is addressed he needs extra attention from his parents.

That is actually something my dd’s therapist had us doing when

Original poster

Confusedforreal88 · 02/03/2020 23:19

I cant be bothered any more. I don’t feel like I can live my life walking on eggshells eow. Or spending lots of money to keep him entertained all weekend when I am the one keeping the family afloat with money atm. I am annoyed at dp because he is being very childish about it all. Rather than addressing the issue it’s the usual let’s just bury it. I would rather speak to dss and ask him why he feels we don’t get on but next time he’s down dp has told me I’ve not to talk about it

OP posts:

cochineal7 · 02/03/2020 23:22

Your Dh is right about one thing: it is a child. Who clearly needs attention. So he sees his dad EOW and dad spends this time cycling? Not cool.

Original poster

Confusedforreal88 · 02/03/2020 23:23

The hobby has been there long before me and if I don’t mind him the granny does

OP posts:

Qwerty543 · 02/03/2020 23:26

This poor boy is crying out for attention and all the adults are failing him. You are making this about you. Clearly it isn't because the skin picking has been going on for longer. It's a form of self harm. I used to do it as a child.

Get him referred to CAMHS.

BilboBercow · 02/03/2020 23:30

This is what happens so often when women ignore the niggling signs that their new partner is a crap father.
Now you have another child he can be a crap father to.

Original poster

Confusedforreal88 · 02/03/2020 23:31

I have said for months it’s self harm no one listens and now I’m the bad guy

OP posts:

Oscaree · 02/03/2020 23:33

I'm so sorry to hear this. I've been there and was completely unsupported. My M-I-L thought I was a fabulous influence on the SD's lives - cooked for them, cleaned, did homework, played board games, took them out, dealt with their mental health problems caused by their parents terrible parenting etc etc. Their mum would literally scream at them all the time and their dad was an impotent parent. He just did not discipline them. At. All. They were 8 and 10.

I was horrified when I discovered that the eldest had told her mother that she wanted her mum and dad to get back together and as I was in the way of this she was prepared to kill me. She was serious. My ex thought this was funny and laughed it off.

My advice to anyone who is repeatedly unsupported by their partner with their SC is to leave. You deserve respect from your partner and your partner should be demonstrating that respect in front of your SC. It's not healthy for any child to see an adult demonstrating a lack of respect and support to their significant other.

Perhaps if you leave and he finally understands how serious you are about your boundaries, he might start come through.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/03/2020 23:34

I’d live apart if you still want to carry on the relationship. What impact is all of this having on your child?

Rosspoldarkssaddle · 02/03/2020 23:34

I am sorry your dp is not being supportive towards you. What are you supposed to do when he says one thing and it is his word against yours?
I think he is a child that perhaps says what he thinks the audience wants to hear. Asking your dp if he had told you is checking to see if he has been caught out. All your dp did was to make it worse by lying to him. Ignoring it will not resolve it. Of course it is about you. It is about you and your relationship with him...according to him.
I would be sitting down with dp and dss and laying cards on the table. Calmly and without getting upset.
When I spoke to you because I was concerned about the damage you are doing to yourself, you told me that you were being bullied. We talked about it, do you remember? But that was not what you told the doctor and that is confusing. You told the doctor it was because you don't like being here with me and that makes me sad.
Then leave him to respond. Let him speak and explain himself. Don't let your partner speak for him or talk at all.

If he blames recent stuff, remind him gently that it has been going on for longer than you have been in his life so what is it that makes him anxious?

He may be looking for an easy lie. One that will not get found out. One that if you did find out, it would hurt you.

This may cause him more anxiety which will make him pick more.

I think he needs all the adults in his life to be open with one another because then he has no space to tell lies and pitch one against the other. Whilst secrets are being kept, lies will be told and will be allowed to grow legs. He needs to know this is not going to happen.

This was going on way before you arrived. I think he has got into a cycle of negative behaviour. Picking gets attention.

No one wants a child to hurt themself. Your dp has to see past his initial gut reaction and work with you and his mother to get to the bottom of this.

Original poster

Confusedforreal88 · 02/03/2020 23:41

That’s all I want to do let him know I know and find out why. I said to dp tonight that if dss doesn’t like me then that isn’t a lie that’s how he feels so we need to find out why. I was told no we don’t. I feel like I’m banging my head against a wall. He has told two lies on mil recently and it wasn’t spoke about again. I just cannot understand why they think this is good for him. The last weekend he stayed when he had hurt himself I actually hid all our knives when we went to bed as I was scared for my own children and dp went mad and said I was over reacting

OP posts:

Itwasntme1 · 02/03/2020 23:55

Poor kid. He needs proper help. Well done for pushing for it.

It doesn’t matter what he says the problem is. Don’t take it personally, and please don’t make it about you, it probably isn’t.

It sounds like your partner is an arse, and that is probably a whole other thread.

This boy needs proper counselling. It’s unlikely you are the While problem, he might find you a bit strict, and think a lady who has recently got together with his dad and who he only sees every couple of weeks shouldn’t be able to tell him what to do. That is normal for a kid of his age, and shouldn’t cause this serious emotional problems.

Keep pushing for counselling, see of family counselling will help. Be open to what they say and see if there is anything his dad and you can Or change to help.

But don’t turn it into a war.

PerfectParrot · 02/03/2020 23:56

Your step son is clearly troubled and you being stressed about him disliking you isn't going to help anyone. He had a right to privacy and I'm shocked that what he has said was shared. It sounds unlikely that you are the issue, but your step son may not be actually lying - he may simply not be able to understand his own feelings (hence the self harm).

You can try to discuss with your DP until you're blue in the face, but he isn't going to magically become a better parent. I'm seriously consider walking away, for your own sake.

PerfectParrot · 02/03/2020 23:58

Also, finding of if / why he doesn't like you is something he can work through with his counsellor. I do agree with your DP that pushing him to explain would be a really bad idea.

Bizawit · 03/03/2020 00:02

will think he can say whatever he wants about me

He absolutely can and should say whatever he wants to his counsellor. You absolutely should not confront him with this. He is 10 , he was speaking to his counsellor and should not be made to feel wrong or uncomfortable for that. You are indeed making this all about you. Be the adult and do better. YABU.

HannaYeah · 03/03/2020 00:50

I hope you will fight and get him help. Tell your DP that if he ignores this you are leaving and reporting him for neglect.

This child is clearly crying out for help. He told you about the bullying then lied and said he was uncomfortable with you to cover up the real problem. He likely doesn’t even understand what’s wrong.

Don’t make it about yourself. He needs help!

Original poster

Confusedforreal88 · 03/03/2020 07:11

I’m just absolutely baffled how it’s being passed off as me when the child
Clearly has had issues for years. I remember when I met him and I just felt like there was something ‘wrong’ (not the best word to describe sorry)

I do feel like I’m being made to be a scapegoat by the adults and that’s hurtful

OP posts:

Flip

1 2