Stepson problems

[Confusedforreal88]

Hi I know step parents aren’t thought of too favourably but I am genuinely looking some impartial advice.

Been with dp 3 years and we have our own child plus my dd who live with us and his ds who visits eow.

He is 10. When we first met things were good. However my dp told me that the boy had emotional issues picked his skin a lot sometimes causing infected cuts. I thought this was strange that it wasn’t taken more seriously. Anyway we moved in together in the summer and I obviously have ‘rules’ I’m quite strict on bedtimes and I don’t allow devices in the bedrooms.

The picking skin continued but last week he really really hurt himself. I told dp enough was enough he had to speak to his ex to get things sorted something is obviously bothering him enough to hurt himself. I spoke to him and he told me he was being bullied. I reassured him his dad would go to the school gave him a hug then I brought the kids out for the day. The next day when he went home dp spoke to mum and she said she’d bring him to drs. They went the next day and he says the reason he does it is because he doesn’t get on with me and I don’t make him feel welcome. When dp told me I was upset then he said I had no reason to ‘make this about me’. He is going to speak to a councillor and isn’t coming down this weekend.

Dp spoke to him tonight and he asked his dad ‘did u tell xxxx what I said about her’ and dp said no. I am so annoyed at dp as I said to him I now feel like ds will think he can say whatever he wants about me as he will think I won’t find out. I am really upset tonight I have tried to make a good fair blended family. But I really feel like I’m not respected at all.

Ds has been caught out telling lies in his mum and his gran too and nothing is done in the past and it just continues. I really feel like throwing the towel in and leaving

Your step son is clearly troubled and you being stressed about him disliking you isn't going to help anyone. He had a right to privacy and I'm shocked that what he has said was shared. It sounds unlikely that you are the issue, but your step son may not be actually lying - he may simply not be able to understand his own feelings (hence the self harm).

These are my thoughts too. Poor boy.

I do feel like I’m being made to be a scapegoat by the adults and that’s hurtful

So imagine how he must feel, without the resources and opportunities you have at your disposal.

But surely exploring his feelings for you in a safe, judgement free environment will bring up everything else.

His feelings for you might have made it worse, or might be a clue to a bigger issue.

And, if there is something you are doing Inadvertently to contribute to 5e problem wouldn’t you want to know?

It is unfair if his mum and dad are seeing this as the end rather than the first step. But you need to get over yourself, and press on.

I do want him to get help I have been pushing for it since I met him as it’s been clear he has emotional issues. I guess what I mean about me getting respect from my dp and not lying that I don’t know is so that dss doesn’t think he can blame me
Without me finding out so the actual issue can still be hidden.

it’s been clear he has emotional issues.

I would frame this as he's having completely normal reactions to an abnormal situation.

I think your title should have more accurately been "DH problems".

So he told you he's being bullied but told his mum it was you? I remember my brother was bullied horribly at school but he couldn't bring himself to tell our parents for ages. He made so many excuses about why he had bruises or his things went missing. I don't know if it was shame or embarrassment, but by the time he did talk to them, he was also self harming really badly.

I'm just wondering if your dss really is being bullied but said it was you at the last minute because it seems like the 'easier' option when his mum asked about it, and the reason he asked his dad if he told you was because he was worried.

Or... he told you he was being bullied but isn't, so when confronted by his mum had to make something else up and picked you.

In either case, something is wrong somewhere and that little boy needs help. My suggestion would be to get all the adults together to talk, both sets of parents, but that would only work if his parents were prepare to listen and work together to recognise what is real and what isn't.

The picking of his skin has been going on from he was 5 his dad told me I met him at 7. There have been other alarm bells to me that makes me
Think all is not ok but I don’t know if it’s things happening right now or has happened in the past but there is something.

Skin-picking is a form of self-harm. I did it from much earlier than 5. I used to get told off for it, and my dad would slap my hand away. Nobody seemed to question, "why is she doing this?" let alone give me access to some support.

I think you are being blamed because they are shitty parents that don’t want to face that he has a problem.

I’d raise hell with your DH and tell him to wake up, that you aren’t going to let him fail to get his son help by blaming your or pretending there is no problem. They are all just creating a distraction to avoid working at the problem.

I totally understand why you are upset at being blamed. Step through that and recognize that you don’t have to accept it.