Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

About dd biological dad

34 replies

new0rules · 02/03/2020 16:01

Will try to keep the back story brief. I had a 6 month (quite intense) relationship when I was 25 which ended abruptly when I found out I was pregnant and the guy pressured me to get an abortion and turned not very nice when I didn’t want to (for personal reasons.) I accepted this, re trained knowing I would be a single parent, didn’t pursue him for child support (he was/is an entertainer ((nope, not well known sorry)) and was in training so wouldn’t have been eligible to pay anything for at least 2 years anyway. I tried a couple of times after she was born to see if he wanted contact but he refused, and the one time he came to see her he ended up being rude and aggressive to me in my own house.

Fast forward to now, she is over 5 and I am well established in my career, we have a pretty good life. I am separating from my husband but that’s a separate issue. Dd is a very happy, outgoing and bright kid and we have a lot of close family nearby and well established friends of mine/hers.

Now her bio father has messaged out of the blue saying he feels so bad and wants to “do what he can before it’s too late”. He said he is still angry at me but wants to “do right by (dd)”. He’s apparently still an entertainer, financially insecure (he has said he can/will pay the minimum amount of child support to me starting now). Apparently this message has been motivated by his long term girlfriend finding out he had a secret child he never sees or pays for and threatening to dump him if he doesn’t do right.

The whole thing makes me really mad and shows how self involved he still is, to me. Dd has a great life and a lot of support. I don’t remotely see what he will add and given his emotional track record I don’t trust him with her.

Should bio dads always get to walk into their kids lives when they fancy it?

OP posts:

lyralalala · 02/03/2020 16:03

I’d be very careful with that

Every time my ex gets a girlfriend they encourage him to do the “right thing”

Every time he turns into Disney dad and treats our girls brilliantly...

Then every time the relationship ends (usually because the Gf can’t get over the secret children or realises he lied about not being allowed near them by me) I get left to pick up the pieces when he vanishes again

Member984815 · 02/03/2020 16:08

I wouldn't allow contact he is only doing this because a girlfriend is disgusted that he doesn't have an ounce of responsibility in him and he's trying to prove he does , it's not going to add anything to your daughters Life and in the long run when he decides he's had enough it will break her heart and leave her feeling rejected

SunnySideDownBriefly · 02/03/2020 16:08

That's a bit of a headfuck for you. He sounds useless and as though he could let your daughter down very easily.

What have you told your daughter about her bio father? What kind of relationship does she have with your soon-to-be xh?

HopeYouStepOnALego · 02/03/2020 16:09

So he doesn't really want to see DD but his GF has given him an ultimatum? Fuck that. I would say no thanks, we've coped brilliantly without you thus far and don't want to disrupt DDs life by having you pop in and out when you feel like it.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/03/2020 16:13

He's still angry at you???? The cheeky fucker, angry over what? Someone else telling him to see his child isn't the best reason for him to do it.

Nowayorhighway · 02/03/2020 16:31

Angry at you for what exactly? For keeping the child he now claims he wants something to do with? What a delightful man he is . He’s only feigning interest to keep his new love interest happy, if their relationship went sour he’d probably drop your DD like a sack of coal. I honestly wouldn’t let him do this, he can take you to court if he’s really serious about access.

ilovedjerrymore · 02/03/2020 16:32

I would say on your bike mate! Make sure you keep any messages from him that say basically he is only doing it cause the current girlfriend will finish with him so that if it went to court you could show that he isn’t really interested in your daughter and still has anger towards you. Hopefully the courts would see it’s not in your daughters interest to have a relationship with him. Good luck!

Flutteringsatlast · 02/03/2020 16:33

Sorry who is this?
And block.

Love51 · 02/03/2020 16:37

His messages make your daughter sound like an accessory to his relationship. Ugh!!

AngelsSins · 02/03/2020 16:54

He’s angry at you?! He’s only wanting to see his child because his girlfriend has morals?! Eugh, he sounds revolting.

How fucking dare he be angry with you? Did you force him not to use a condom or something, because if not he needs to grow the fuck up and realise he doesn’t get to dictate when a woman should have an abortion. Prick.

opticaldelusion · 02/03/2020 16:59

The only time you've seen him since your child was born he was rude and aggressive. He's 'still angry at you'. Why would he be a good thing in your child's life? Your daughter is happy and well supported. I think I'd ignore the message tbh. It's about your daughter's needs, not his.

Tessabelle74 · 02/03/2020 17:04

In my opinion, it's not your place to keep your child from her father. She WILL ask about him, she WILL resent you if you say he tried to see her and you blocked it. That said, you need to get it all legally drawn up, including maintenance payments etc before you let him in. If he does all that, it proves he's serious and you can look your daughter in the eye if he disappears and tell her you tried but he's a dick

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 02/03/2020 17:09

Say you’d need to approach your dd about it as it would be her decision, also that HE needs to want to be involved in his daughters life, not because of his girlfriend threatening him to the the right thing, as he should have “done the right thing” anyway as a decent human being instead of being a suite towards you.

If your dd wants access it would be through a contact centre and also child maintenance would be through the CSA

Dontdisturbmenow · 02/03/2020 17:10

This is about your dd, not him or you and she deserves a chance to a life with a father in it. You can see it that it is his girlfriend who is pressure him into getting into contact, or maybe, that she has made him realise his errors and got him to be more mature and indeed, involved as a dad.

It would be much easier for you to go on and pretend he doesn't exist, but you can never erase the fact that he is your dad's father and she has a right to try to build a relationship with him.

What I would do though is start things slowly, agreeing with him before any meeting how you would proceed so that they can get to bond slowly with each other, whilst not getting her to involve too quickly in case he can't cope/changes his mind.

Maybe you could agree to start with him meeting her whilst she is with someone you trust, so that you're not in the way, but you trust that someone is there to look after her.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 02/03/2020 17:10

*abusive

Illberidingshotgun · 02/03/2020 17:14

I think you need to tread very carefully, but i would be wary of refusing all contact. Does she know that your ex is not her father? If so, what has she been told about her biological father?

She will be affected by the relationship problems and subsequent breakdown, however amicable it is, so it may not be the best time right now to introduce her father into her life. However if he is asking for contact be careful of refusing. He could potentially go to court to request contact, and then you will be seen as refusing (I appreciate that you have absolutely valid reasons for potentially refusing). What happens if she discovers later on in her life that you refused to let him see her? That could really have a negative impact on her, and on your relationship with her.

I do suspect that it is simply motivated by his current GF, and if they split then he will lose interest, but if you are willing to consider contact then perhaps initially suggest a half hour, informal meeting, then take it from there.

FizzyGreenWater · 02/03/2020 17:31

I would message back:

'Angry at me for what, exactly? Not having an abortion when you tried to pressure me into one? Having the cheek to get in touch with you to offer you contact, which you refused? Not accepting you being aggressive to me in my own home the one time you did come and see us?

How DARE you presume to be 'angry' at me. I have done absolutely NOTHING to you - not even pursued you for maintenance. You were clear you wanted no contact and that's what has happened. I am appalled that the reason you have got in touch now is once again for your own selfish reasons - that if you don't start contact YOU'LL lose out. Nothing about DD's needs at all. Just you, you, you.

You won't be surprised to hear that after 5 years, there is no way I'm going to disrupt my child's life to make things ok for you at her possible expense. I'm not going to make her an accessory to a person who doesn't give a shit about her so that they can prop up their relationship. I'm sorry if that causes difficulties in your relationship but I can only hope that your partner reads this message too and is kind enough to realise that there is nothing to be served by making you play daddy - it won't make you not the person you were then and it won't make you not the person who clearly lied to her that you had a child.

You don't want to 'do right' by my child - if you did, if you had even the faintest notion of what is right you wouldn't be 'still angry at me'. That sentence tells me everything I need to know. My child certainly doesn't need a selfish man coming into her life thinking he can pass judgement and show his mindless 'anger' to the only parent who has ever been there for her. Get to fuck with your stupid 'anger'. We don't need it in our lives.

If you want to pursue contact you should contact a solicitor. Your message, and your reasons for sending it, disgust me.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 02/03/2020 17:39

You dd is an ultimatum from his gf, no don't let him use your child

JackieFazakerley · 02/03/2020 17:53

I would not let him near my DD. Why let him mess with a little girl's happiness?
He doesn't sound as if he will bring any joy to her life does he?
He is probably hoping that you say no anyway, just so he can tell his girlfriend that you refused contact.

Firsttimelottie · 02/03/2020 18:00

Did he admit that he's biggest motive in seeing DD due to long term gf by text? It would be wise to keep the proof of these messages in case he ever takes you to court, so you can show them how little he actually cares about your DD.

Feedthispiggychoc · 02/03/2020 18:09

I like @FizzyGreenWater message. Covers everything perfectly

Raspberrytruffle · 02/03/2020 18:16

Why change your plans for a selfish sperm donor because that's all he is, I'd be honest with dd maybes consider letting them meat once dd is older but all I can see is your poor dd getting used and then dumped once your ex gets what hes wanted it would hurt dd so bad?and wow what s cf still angry at you? It takes two and nobody should force you to do something to your body that you dont want! You are an awesome person that's became a lovely mum and flourished well done, just dont let anyone use it bully you or your dd. I'd maybe consider for a few years him sending annual letters to dd until you decide to meet up as if he is dedicated he will be waiting and dd wont get dropped? Just an idea op

Raspberrytruffle · 02/03/2020 18:18

@FizzyGreenWater that letter is perfect

KLS02 · 02/03/2020 18:23

@FizzyGreenWater’a message is perfect

NYCDreaming · 02/03/2020 18:37

Your poor DD, it sounds like her life is changing a lot at the moment with the separation from your husband, and the last thing she needs right now i more change.

Could you tell him that you're wary of introducing him straight away because you're unsure about his level of commitment, and ask him to commit to paying child support for, say, six months before moving any further, just so you can be sure that he plans to be around for the long term?

You could maybe then gradually introduce him - maybe they could be pen pals for a few months before introducing a short visit? And make it clear to him that if at any point he lets her down that will be the end of his chance.

Flip

1 2