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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think working full time is harder when your DC has additional needs?

37 replies

Refreshed · 02/03/2020 10:25

Just that really. I'm working part time at the moment and I've been offered a brilliant full time role with a fantastic salary.

However, I'm just looking at all DS's appointments coming up and feel a bit dizzy! He has 3 in March alone. One is in London so miles away. The other will take at least 3/4 hours each time.

He's currently being investigated for ASD. Many health professions have said already that's what they're firmly expecting. Just awaiting a diagnosis and full assessment which takes time.

These appointments are quite frequent and the role I would be taking is busy and would require quite a bit of notice if I needed time off etc.

My DS loves his nursery though. It's just the logistics of it all.

Not to mention being wary of how much time I miss with him... I lost my DD in October and will never have more children, lots of loss before then too. It is shocking. So DS is very likely to be my only one and I just worry so much about letting him down Sad

The new employer is obviously new so wouldn't be as negotiable as say someone who's been with the company 10 years and could bargain come leeway.

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 02/03/2020 10:44

I dropped to pt as have 3 with sen and I agree the appointments are dizzying. However I did find once you have diagnosis of asd - unless there are physical medical conditions too then the appointments stop. If you really want this job then look for a good nanny or childminder. I found my childcare with daycares broke down as kids got older as they couldn't cope in busy environments - not that thos could be case for you dc

Sirzy · 02/03/2020 10:46

Because of Ds additional needs I have had to stop working. The stress of juggling all the appointments and illnesses made it impossible.

You need to balance what’s right for your family

flirtygirl · 02/03/2020 10:49

It will become harder and harder as people expect kids to be at school. And those with additional needs often have time off, far more than normal.

Also its quite easier when kids are in nursery due to a longer day, school is harder (unless you have good wrap around care) due to the shorter school day.

I thought working was a doodle till my daughter started school. It became harder and harder till I got ill when she was in year 3 and I stopped coping. I then stopped work. She has asd.

Additional needs means additional time, additional appointments, additional resources, additional stress and additional time off work.

flirtygirl · 02/03/2020 10:53

Also if you can afford it or are able to cut your cloth accordingly then work part time. They grow too quick and like you said he is your only child.

Claim dla for him. Its based around the extra needs of the child.

WhatHappenedThen · 02/03/2020 10:55

Have you other family members who can help? If you were my daughter I would want to help?

BeansOnToast4T · 02/03/2020 10:59

I don't work now. DC has autism and sever learning disabilities, he attends special school. He is 12 but there is no one to look after him during holidays and before / after school. Life is less stressful for us as a family with me at home and dh working. I get chores done when he is in school and if he is ill / has appointments / decided to stay up all night then its not a huge problem.

x2boys · 02/03/2020 11:06

It's all.based on individual circumstances ,and " additional needs " is a very broad term ,my son has severe autism and learning disabilities ,there is no way both Of us could work ,it's not just appointments ,but he goes to a special school so someone has to be home to put him on the school bus and meet him off the bus , there is little in the way of respite and although he will be going into yr 6 in September ,he can't be left alone at all I think it's unlikely a childminddr could accommodate his needs .

user1487194234 · 02/03/2020 11:07

I think everything is harder when your DC have SN

Maybe leave it until you get a diagnosis

theswordthatdangles · 02/03/2020 11:14

I am just about to go back to work. I have 4 dc, 2 with sen and it's only now the youngest are nearly 8 and we've pretty much reached full diagnosis point that I have felt able to apply. Plus the job I have been offered is term time only which helps a lot.

IMO you have nothing to lose by being honest with your prospective employer and telling him your dc will have a lot of assessment appointments coming up and you need to be able to attend. You can take dependents leave for them and go in to work afterwards if that's viable. If they decide it doesn't work for them, well you are still working part time and can take your dc to their appointments.

Do you have a partner who is able to share the load? While I would love to attend all my dc's appointments, as would DH, sometimes clashing appointments has meant one of us has taken one child and the other one the other child. DH is also working self rostering so can flex his working day much more easily than I can. He's had nearly 10 years of me mostly doing the appointments and now he is going to have to step up and do them if they fall in my working days.

smartiecake · 02/03/2020 11:19

Sorry for your loss.
My youngest has ASD and is now 12 and i still can only work PT around school hours. We had no family help with school run, before and after school childcare. My son went to mainstream then an ASD unit and is now in a secondary ASD unit and there is no wrap around care attached to ASD units and it is too far for him to travel to independently, although he does not have the skills to do so anyway.
I think working FT is bloody impossible unless someone else can do all of the appointments and wrap around care at school. Also holiday clubs are virtually nonexistent for kids with SEN.

IceColdCat · 02/03/2020 11:21

YANBU to think it's harder OP, but this sounds like a great opportunity for you so I would have a think about ways it could work.

LuckyLickitung · 02/03/2020 11:24

DS has high functioning autism. He's at the local school within a 5 minute walk. Things are much easier for us than they are for many families with a similar diagnosis or other needs. While DS masks and copes with school, he found wrap around care too draining. I worked FT the year he was in yR, and it was so much tougher than when he had a more relaxed day in nursery. He needs to leave school and go to his own home and decompress. I stopped working after my contract expired and we are happier for it. At that point we were a couple of years away from diagnosis, but it was clear that DS wasn't happy, and DH and I were both shattered from long hours and little down time. If I had to work, I could, but life is simpler as a family that I don't.

As our diagnosis is recent, we've had a flurry of appointments for assesament, diagnosis, occupational therapy, physio. It's not been too bad as they've been spaced out, but my role was very inflexible and DH can be away a lot. Long term that should calm down, but I appreciate that I can go to the school gates, offer support and connect with his school life (he's not keen on chatting about school and I felt so isolated from his life when I was FT).

DS2 is emotionally so much simpler, and it is a different experience parenting him. I'm not always on my guard for his mood and planning around it.

Every child and every family is different. Additional needs do place extra stress, work and pressures on families. You also have your own needs, and work can be a vital escape from pressures of family life. There is no right or wrong especially when you've been through and continue through such difficult circumstances Flowers

NotEnoughTime · 02/03/2020 11:25

Flowers for you-it sounds like life has been very hard on you Sad

Like a pp said everything is harder when your DC have SN. I have a DS with high functioning autism as well as his nt sibling. To say that life is mostly stressful and exhausting is not an understatement.

I work part time, there is no way that I could work full time even if I wanted to. I work mostly at weekends. Even though I am very busy when I get to work it is like respite.

I hope everything works out for you whatever you decide to do. Good luck Smile

midsummabreak · 02/03/2020 11:37

YANBU but no way shoukd you allow this to push you out of the workforce. I agree with IceColdCat. I would grab all opportunities, juggle the appointments, and see where it leads you.

Could you contact all appointments before you go, especially the one in London that requires more time off , to request emailing a medical certificate for work , and get an idea of length of appointment and waiting time?
Maybe you can take half days off for some appointments?

Can you rescedule appointments to be over three months not in one month? Make later appointments so can leave early and only miss few hours at end of work day?
No harm in talking it over with manager , in case they have any suggestions.

midsummabreak · 02/03/2020 11:38

Sorry for your loss of your Dd xo

nevermorelenore · 02/03/2020 11:46

I'm really sorry for your loss OP.

While it may be frustrating to turn it down, in your shoes, I think I'd wait until you could get DC settled into school and see how they take to breakfast club/after school care. By this point, hopefully you'll have a diagnosis and fewer appointments, so the timing may be better. My SEN child unfortunately can't cope with school plus afterschool clubs, even though he was fine with 8-6 nursery, but other mums have managed it.

midsummabreak · 02/03/2020 11:49

Wise words fromLuckiLickiTung

Every
Child and every family is different.

If you need to work Full time or Part time, you do what's best for you, at this time, as a parent, and for your child's individual ever changing needs.

midsummabreak · 02/03/2020 11:56

Hats off to all full time carers too Flowers All parents and family carers are doing what they can to support their children and there is no perfect parent,only you know what is best

WwfLeopard · 02/03/2020 12:04

No way could I do full time, getting worse again now he’s in comprehensive, meeting after meeting, school refusal which is new :( unfortunately mine will never cope alone for long periods in school holidays either

PickAChew · 02/03/2020 12:17

I have 2 with SN and I never even made it back to work after DS1 was born.

I can't even promise it gets easier. He's in year 11, we've had meetings and visits to do with finding a post 16 placement that he'll accept and cope with and we have school refusal and general inability to engage with any services in the mix.

Original poster
Refreshed · 02/03/2020 12:18

Can you rescedule appointments to be over three months not in one month? Make later appointments so can leave early and only miss few hours at end of work day?

I work for the NHS and its near on impossible in lots of departments to accommodate prefernces for times etc. It's really really tricky. Just off the top of my head, the two appointments he has coming up really wouldn't be wise to space them out. It would be better if they're closer together as his S&L therapist suggested. Isn't doing what's best for him the most important thing?

I do worry for the future. It can be so upsetting to know I could have so much more money working full time. We are comfortable that we can meet all bills and have a bit to fall back on, but that's it. I just wish things could be better financially for us. It seems like the potentially ASD DS actually costs money compared to if he were neurotypical

OP posts:
dairyfairies · 02/03/2020 12:23

it is harder and it is possible when they are at a (presumably private) nursery.

the issues around work kick on when school starts with not having a lot of wrap around childcare and school holidays childcare but part time may be doable.

for me (and many others) secondary war the nail on the coffin of my working life as all school holiday childcare disappeared.

If you enjoy your job, then I would say make hay whilst the sun is shining. Unless you have great support in form of family to pick up the tab, you will in all likelihoodhave to reduce/give up work alltogether at some point.

I have a child with complex needs and speak from bitter experience

Original poster
Refreshed · 02/03/2020 12:24

DH won't take time off to go to the appointments. He just won't. His job is too busy etc. I don't know. I haven't the head space to argue about all of that. Personally I just can't imagine not backing DS 100% of the way and doing everything in my power to give him the best possible outcome, so making him attend when he doesn't really want to isn't the road I want to go down.

We've had a hard few years. We knew something was off with DS by about 11 months. It's strange because I sat with a 9 month old recently. I got more eye contact and curiosity in that little face of the baby then I've seen in my DS for 2.5 years.

OP posts:
DefConOne · 02/03/2020 12:36

My daughter is in year 7 with Aspergers end of ASD. She is demand avoidant and has high anxiety. Good social skills but very challenging behaviour. I have stayed on a 70% contract since she was born. For a couple of years in primary I hung on to employment by the skin of my teeth as things were so bad (exclusions, eventually permanent). Things have settled a lot due to fantastic secondary but I am anxious and exhausted and need my day off. I would love a new job but could not handle FT right now. Having the extra time to support your SN child is so valuable.

AriadnesFilament · 02/03/2020 12:38

This is exactly why I don’t work full time. It’s just not possible.