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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not treated the same

50 replies

gettingfedupnowx · 02/03/2020 10:17

Not sure how long to make this as don't want to drip feed but also don't want it to be too long or boring!

My father moved in with a woman who had two children. They were a lot younger than my sister and I (10 years difference in age) ever since we have been treated so differently. My sister and I struggled through school and uni with no support from him at all. Mum was amazing though and we are both close to her. Her two children get everything; hundreds spent at Christmas, money when they need it, lifts, help moving house etc. Constant support. At most we get a 3 for 2 bath set each Christmas.

We are both in our 30s now whilst they are both early twenties but nothing has changed. Both still get taken out for meals, partners are included on family holidays and treated. Meanwhile he sees my sister once a month for a coffee and only sees me more often as I have children.

He recently got a big inheritance. I don't want any of it but it's hard to listen to him tell me about how he's treating his two step children to meals and holidays and furniture whilst not even offering to take my sister and I for a McDonald's. it's so unfair and its been years and years of feeling second best.

My sister wants nothing to do with him. She hates my stepmum as she says we have always been bottom of the pile and she is sick of feeling like fifth best. She's just got to a point where she is angry about it all. I feel similar but can't cut him off from my children as even though he is useless with them, he does really love spending time with them.

I guess my aibu is am I being silly for being so upset over this all? It's his money, he can do what he wants with it etc and I'm not saying I want him to be handing out cheques; more that I'm just gutted to be treated so differently to his step children this whole time. My sister says I should have it out with him but what would be the point?

OP posts:
HeartyGreenSalad · 02/03/2020 10:20

I think you should tell him how you feel. He may not realise the hurt he is causing

Original poster
gettingfedupnowx · 02/03/2020 10:24

He does, my sister has had so many arguments and discussions with him about it. He likes to ignore anything he doesn't like so it just goes in one ear and out the other.

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 02/03/2020 10:26

Hi, I can completely understand how you feel. I think you really have to speak to your father, and explain that you feel like he is treating you and your sister very differently to his step children, but not only that, rubbing your face in all the things they do together.

You will have to be prepared for it to all go pear shaped, he will obviously be defensive, and it could ruin what is left of your relationship. Maybe you would prefer to be low/no contact, than feel annoyed by his behaviour all the time?

EdgarAlanPoe · 02/03/2020 10:27

My dad is exactly the same. I grew to accept it but when he started doing the same with his SD kids and having basically no contact with mine even though we lived 15 minutes away I went NC. Even when he rang me it was all about his SD and her kids. It was embarrassing and made me cringe. It actually made me start to hate my step sister but she’s actually done nothing wrong.

Treating my kids that way was the final straw though. He’s never even seen my youngest who is three.

Lots of men do this

Original poster
gettingfedupnowx · 02/03/2020 10:33

It's so horrible. I'm always hearing how fantastic her children are and how much they do for them like meals out and helping them with a new house etc. I constantly feel on edge with him as he has a real way of making you feel guilty about anything. He's a really toxic person tbh and it's mainly because of my children that I tolerate it all.

Because of the big age gaps we've never been that close to his step children. I've tried being polite and inviting them over and making conversation but they aren't interested which is fine. Stepmum is nice enough but again doesn't seem to have much time for us, never has really. I think it's when he says things like oh well we're taking the kids out for a posh Indian tonight or we had to fork out £500 on new equipment for stepdaughter and I feel completely inadequate. He forgot my 30th.

OP posts:
Longerthanmrticklesarms · 02/03/2020 10:38

If he's a really toxic person I'd not bother having anything much/at all to do with him.

It doesn't matter if he enjoys seeing your children, your priority is them and if it's good for them to see him, or will they end up feeling at the bottom of his priority list too.

potter5 · 02/03/2020 10:39

He forgot your 30th? I would listen to your sister. She has got the measure of him. Sounds like he is rubbing your nose in the fact that he spends so much on his stepdaughters.

Bin him off and tell him why. He is treating you badly.

MellowBird85 · 02/03/2020 10:40

YANBU. That sounds awful and anyone would feel snubbed in this situation. Tbh I think you’ve been very civil and mature up to now by the sounds of it. I don’t understand how ppl can be so unaware of the upset they’re causing - what reaction is he expecting bragging to you and your DS about what they’ve spent / done for them? A tinkly laugh? I’d wash my hands if them all...

eosmum · 02/03/2020 10:44

He will start treating your kids as second best once the step kids have kids. Get rid now before.

Princessfaffalot · 02/03/2020 10:46

I’m in a similar situation and have gone very low contact with my dad. He favours my older and younger sisters and is always taking them off on meals out, holidays etc. He didn’t see my dc for 4 years out of choice. Last may he saw them for the first time and hasn’t bothered since. I’ve chosen to go very low contact as it’s just too painful for me and my kids, he can’t just dip and out when it suits him. It’s really hard but if I was in your sisters shoes I’d really want you to stand by me.

Hoppinggreen · 02/03/2020 10:47

If he’s toxic why do you let him spend time with your children?

Brazi103 · 02/03/2020 10:59

Why do you feel you have to have a relationship with him because of your children. So you are ok with them being around someone toxic?
What do you think will happen when those stepchildren start having kids? You really think your father is going to be equal or more likely drop your kids.
you are basically accepting scraps and using your kids to justify that. You and your DC are worth more surely?

ssd · 02/03/2020 11:36

I'd wash my hands of them all too. By still seeing him, you are exposing your kids to his treatment. How long before he starts it with your kids, probably once his step children have kids, then he'll tell your kids how much he spends on his other grandchildren.
Time to let this one go. And don't look back.

blindmansbluff · 02/03/2020 11:55

If he's that toxic why are you allowing your children to be exposed to that? How will they feel when his step kids have kids of their own and he drops yours like he did with you? Far better you take control of the situation now.

ilovepuggies · 02/03/2020 12:15

Sadly I don’t think your dad is going to change especially since your sister has told him how she feels. You can carry on as you are and put up with his mistreatment and neglect which in turn will have a negative impact on your mental health or you can change your relationship with him by putting distance and no / low contact with him and focus on the relationships in your life that are positive. Staying in contact with him because of your children is not enough and if he’s not already letting them down eventually he will. I’m sorry you’ve got a rubbish dad but it sounds like you have other people in your life that make you feel good and support you so focus on that. Initially it’s hard having no contact but over time you will become stronger and less tolerant of being mistreated. Warm wishes to you

Original poster
gettingfedupnowx · 02/03/2020 12:27

You are all so right. By toxic I mean he makes you feel guilty for everything and twists things so he is always the victim etc which means I try and avoid confrontation as I just can't handle it. If I do ever try and bring anything up, he gets passive aggressive and shuts down conversation with a 'sure' or 'ok' and that's that.

At the moment my children are only grandchildren so he's happy to dote on them but I have no doubt that when his step children start having them, we will be dropped unceremoniously

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 02/03/2020 12:46

In which case withdraw as much as possible now
My mil was the best grandma ever until SIL had her dc, DD felt in in particular as she had been the only GC for 4 years And then was virtually dropped. DS was a baby so didn’t notice, although by about 5 he realised him and his sister were 2nd best

5foot5 · 02/03/2020 13:25

At the moment my children are only grandchildren so he's happy to dote on them but I have no doubt that when his step children start having them, we will be dropped unceremoniously

This could be your cue for dumping him now.

I know you say you like to avoid confrontation but you are in your 30s now and I think the time has come to calmly but firmly tell him it how it is.

"Look Dad, sister and I have long since accepted that we come a long, long way second best in your eyes to SC. We may have had to accept it but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I don't want that for my children. You may dote on them now, but pretty obviously when SC have children of their own you will favour them over my DC and that will hurt them a lot. So I am just protecting them from this hurt by saying that it is better to cut contact now."

averythinline · 02/03/2020 15:51

Why are you inflicting him on your children?? Why do they need to be relegated in the future.,

I think you should think about protecting them from that crap...

Travis1 · 02/03/2020 16:01

He is not worth your time or effort and he is especially not worth letting into your childrens lives for them to then be dropped at a future date when a better grandchild comes along.

Fuckmesideways · 02/03/2020 17:00

@gettingfedupnowx - ask yourself this. What benefit are your DCs getting from this relationship?

Now weigh that up against the inevitable hurt they will feel when he loses interest.

You know what to do.

flirtygirl · 02/03/2020 17:09

Sorry Op but you need to wise and quick.

Why subject your children to how you and your sister feel? As you know it's coming.

You should never have let them have a chance to get attached in the first place. I feel sorry for your children and their future hurt if you don't sort it out now.

flirtygirl · 02/03/2020 17:10

I'd have nothing to do with him if I was made to feel second best.

Grumpelstilskin · 02/03/2020 17:13

You don't actually have to facilitate contact with your DC. and I would echo what others said, do not set them up to be discarded and undervalued like you have been. Start by scaling back contact and then if he doesn't improve his parenting towards you, stop this toxic interaction. He forgot your birthday, a key age FFS! His biological child! Don't be a martyr.

picklemewalnuts · 02/03/2020 17:18

I understood why you wanted to keep a friendly relationship with him despite his inadequacies until you said this "By toxic I mean he makes you feel guilty for everything and twists things so he is always the victim etc which means I try and avoid confrontation as I just can't handle it. If I do ever try and bring anything up, he gets passive aggressive and shuts down conversation with a 'sure' or 'ok' and that's that. "

You and your children don't need him. He has groomed you into compliance, that's the only reason you are still on board.

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