Not treated the same

[gettingfedupnowx]

Not sure how long to make this as don't want to drip feed but also don't want it to be too long or boring!

My father moved in with a woman who had two children. They were a lot younger than my sister and I (10 years difference in age) ever since we have been treated so differently. My sister and I struggled through school and uni with no support from him at all. Mum was amazing though and we are both close to her. Her two children get everything; hundreds spent at Christmas, money when they need it, lifts, help moving house etc. Constant support. At most we get a 3 for 2 bath set each Christmas.

We are both in our 30s now whilst they are both early twenties but nothing has changed. Both still get taken out for meals, partners are included on family holidays and treated. Meanwhile he sees my sister once a month for a coffee and only sees me more often as I have children.

He recently got a big inheritance. I don't want any of it but it's hard to listen to him tell me about how he's treating his two step children to meals and holidays and furniture whilst not even offering to take my sister and I for a McDonald's. it's so unfair and its been years and years of feeling second best.

My sister wants nothing to do with him. She hates my stepmum as she says we have always been bottom of the pile and she is sick of feeling like fifth best. She's just got to a point where she is angry about it all. I feel similar but can't cut him off from my children as even though he is useless with them, he does really love spending time with them.

I guess my aibu is am I being silly for being so upset over this all? It's his money, he can do what he wants with it etc and I'm not saying I want him to be handing out cheques; more that I'm just gutted to be treated so differently to his step children this whole time. My sister says I should have it out with him but what would be the point?

It's always, always about step children. They come first in every situation. I feel like I could write essays about how rubbish it makes me feel to be honest. My sister was struggling at uni, working as well as studying as he never paid maintenance after leaving yet when step daughter started college, he went out and bought her a new wardrobe as he wanted her to feel confident. My husband and I saved for years to buy our house, they helped my stepsister with hers and bought lots of bits for it to 'help her out.' I have to hear about it yet he never seems to realise how rude and unpleasant it is to tell me about everything he does for them.

I just don't know how to cut him off. He tells me about all the things he's done for my children and the baby gates and toys at his house (they've never stayed over so I don't know why he's bought them!) and he makes me feel terrible if I say no to him seeing him them even if it's always on his terms and when he wants and he never listens when I say no more chocolate etc

You are feeling now what your DC will be feeling in years to come as the favoured grandchildren are doted on and they are pushed to the bottom of the pile.
You don't want that for them. Nor do you want to feel ( if you do speak to him about it) that you have had to force him to behave better and more equally. You will never feel he's sincere.
I'd gradually cut contact tbh.

“Dear Dad,

You are not a positive influence on my life. I have always been treated second class behind my step siblings, and I will not allow for my children to endure the hurt and turmoil I have felt over the years. I have therefore decided that we will no longer be part of each other’s lives.

I love you, but enough is enough.

Getting.”

I wouldn't be making much effort to facilitaite his relationships with your kids. What happens when the stepkids begin to have children - I can see yours coming second best to the golden grandkids. Why put them through that & have them feel as bad as yourself and your sister?

That he gets a kick out of seeing your children isn't enough reason to have such a toxic person in your life. you know he is going to drop your children like stones once his stepchildren have kids. How will you explain that to them?

You could write to him and say "reached the end of the road dad bye" as suggested above or you could simply stop responding to him. If he complains just say "sorry so busy, you know what it is like with families" and don't arrange to meet up, don't answer the phone, text back with "sorry can't talk now". just cut off his oxygen.

*“Dear Dad,

You are not a positive influence on my life. I have always been treated second class behind my step siblings, and I will not allow for my children to endure the hurt and turmoil I have felt over the years. I have therefore decided that we will no longer be part of each other’s lives.

I love you, but enough is enough.

Getting.”*

This is an excellent response. To the point, and tells him how you feel.

The stepchildren don't have children now, but how will your children feel when they are unceremoniously cut off, or worse, he continues to visit but tells them how wonderful the new grandchildren are?

It's incredibly hard. I want to think he won't drop my children and that he won't treat them like we were treated. Part of me knows I'm dreaming as they live minutes apart from step children now who have both moved to nearby roads! But also I've always been the one to keep the peace and try and smooth things over when it's been tough between my sister and them so I worry it would be out of the blue for me to cut contact as I've been putting a smile on for years trying to pretend everything is ok.

But, everything is not ok. You have posted you resent the different treatment. You can tolerate it, but, how do you think your children will feel when he drops them for stepchildren's children? Are your children attached to him now? Is he to them?

He constantly says how much he loves them and how they are his reason for living (he's very dramatic and big on the talk) yet when he spends more than an hour with them he gets frustrated that they don't do what he wants (both under 5 and very strong willed ) and he's always saying how great it is being a grandad but I think a lot is show and him liking the idea more than the reality if that makes sense? He gets wound up easily and has if one has a tantrum or gets grumpy, he's quick to get fed up and throw in the towel

So, fairly easy to stop contact now, the children probably won't notice.

In your shoes, my concern would be the kids get used to him, and, in say, five years, he decides the stepchildrens' babies are more important.

he makes me feel terrible if I say no to him seeing him them even if it's always on his terms and when he wants

Nobody can make you feel bad without your permission. You are keeping the contact and therefore allowing him to let you keep making yourself feel guilty.

He feels no guilt whatsoever about treating the two families differently. He boasts about it. So what if he loves spending time with them? Boo hoo for him if he doesn't get to see them any more. You reap what you sow. Why should his wishes triumph your happiness and mental health?

If you don't like conflict, there's no need to have it out with him. Just never contact him again and block his number from your phone (and from your DH's or anyone else whose number he has). Block your social media to him, and take yourself off his.

And then work on your sense of self worth. His (and his wife's) treatment of you has worn you down to the point where you're only even asking for crumbs. Stand up for yourself and your DCs - before they are old enough to be hurt when they're inevitably dropped, and get a pound shop toy for Christmas (if that) while the stepchildren's DCs get trips to Lapland and the latest gadgets, trainers and anything else you can think of.

You’re tolerating is because HE likes to visit your kids. All about him.

Phase him out gradually, if that’s easier for you with the kids.

Because you know he’ll phase them out when your step siblings have children. Be careful what you choose.

Sounds like he knows exactly what he's doing and will be getting a massive kick out of keeping you and your sis firmly in your place.

Don't give him the satisfaction. There's no need have a big drama but you do need to cut him off before he starts this shite with his grandchildren. And he will do.

I’m all for treating your stepchildren well (I’m a stepmother, my kids have a stepmother and a stepfather). But I just re-read - these aren’t even his kids?!!!!

I'll add to it..

“Dear Dad,

You are not a positive influence on my life. I have always been treated second class behind my step siblings. You expect me to be happy and sit listening to all you do for them. Things you should have also done for sister and I and you didn't. I know in my heart once they begin to produce grandchildren for stepmother my children (your only grandchildren) will be treated the way we were and I will not allow for my children to endure the hurt and turmoil I have felt over the years. I have therefore decided that we will no longer be part of each other’s lives.

I love you, but enough is enough.

Getting.

I don't want any of it but it's hard to listen to him tell me about how he's treating his two step children to meals and holidays and furniture whilst not even offering to take my sister and I for a McDonald's. it's so unfair and its been years and years of feeling second best

Tell him that. My father can e an idiot like this, and one of my siblings called him on a particularly spectacularly emotionally unintelligent decision he had made with regard to supporting some random woman, and supporting his children & grandchildren.

My very brave sibling called him on this decision, and he saw the point about not supporting the children he purported to love.

And then cut him off.

Money is often used by men in families to indicate love & care. Tell him he's showing you & your sister what he thinks of you, and what his care & regard for you is.

It might shock him enough to make him think more emotionally intelligently.

Thinking about this from an outside perspective, maybe his wife is doing a better job at helping him understand the emotional needs of his step children.

He clearly has no emotional intelligence of his own.

If you wanted one last try 'dad, why don't you worry about us like you worry about them?'

IFhe is as bad as this why would you want your children to have contact with him? I wouldn’t, he’s no example

However I would have said something to him years ago about how he has treated you and your sister, who as the end of the day are his biological children, and how he has, and continues to favour children that are not even his. He would then have a choice, treat us the same, or leave us alone

I'm so sorry he has made you feel like this but believe what your feeling now will be multiplied by 10 when he does it to your kids. Listening to him going on about their kids and doing stuff with them while ignoring yours will break your heart. If he can't see what he is doing to you, he will never see it. From my own experience they never change so you will have to decide is contact with him worth the heart ache

He does, my sister has had so many arguments and discussions with him about it. He likes to ignore anything he doesn't like so it just goes in one ear and out the other.

He can safely ignore it with you because you keep going back and giving him another chance.

Nothing will change unless you change it.

It would be hard to announce you are going NC. I think anyone would struggle unless there has been some big argument. Therefore why not push him a bit. Write a letter detailing how you feel and your fears about your children being dumped once the SC have children of their own. Explain that you want a healthy relationship with him but he must start behaving differently and treating you like a daughter - it is very odd that he favours SC over his own daughters. If he promises to change good, if not you'll argue and it'll be easier to draw a line under it and accept that unfortunately you just have a very shit father. I wish you all the best in what must be a horrible situation.

I would be closing the door on this relationship. Cut contact back and see if he reaches out to you, if not let him go. It must be very difficult but honestly what do you get out of this relationship?

My dad has done the exact same thing OP. There's 5 of us and none of us speak to him any more. I was the one that kept speaking to him the longest, mainly driven by me having kids, his only grandchildren. But all that changed last year when the step daughter had a baby. He only met her mum when she was 18 so it's not like he had any input in bringing her up but when her baby was born you'd have thought it was the baby Jesus the way he carried on!!

It sounds ike he knows exactly what he is saying and doing if your sister has had several arguments over it with him so he is deliberately saying these things to you to rub it in? Particularly as you describe him as toxic in other aspects?

Like others I can’t see what you are getting out of this, and it sounds like he won’t change. I dont see a need for a big announcement though, especially if you don’t like confrontation. Just... pull back.

My birth family was similar in its politics if it its make up. It’s hard at times, my commiserations.