AIBU to still feel sad, stressed and in limbo *warning sensitive subject*

[HelloBambinos]

To paint a bit of a picture. 2DS (4 & just turned 2) married, work part time and half way through a degree. DH works full time also.

June last year we had a surprise pregnancy. Shocked as during my degree so unplanned but still happy. Not going to lie and say everything was perfect because with my exams two weeks away, having to work alongside uni and struggling financially already with childcare for other little ones as well as spinning a lot of plates there was a moment of 'oh god how are we going to manage right now' needless to say that shock passed and we were happy to be adding a new addition even if the stress was still at the back of my mind with regards to money and continuing degree (healthcare related so long placement hours, night shifts etc).. Decided to wait until after exams before telling immediate family followed by everyone else after the 12 weeks scan.

Sadly two days after my exam (everything was crammed into that week, exams and essays due so very stressful) I miscarried at 7 weeks. I didn't even have chance to tell immediate family I was pregnant and as mum and sibling hadnt exactly been supportive of degree, saying it was too much for me with my disabilities (mobility issues requiring multiple surgeries under specialists which are ongoing) me and dh kept it to ourselves as I was grieving and didn't need to be told (by mum and sibling) its the degree that caused it with the stress, even though I know that probably wasn't the cause at all and these things do happen as devastating as they are.

I had placement coming up and wanted to get to the end of the year so I decided on physiological management and to throw myself into placement after a week off initially. 6 weeks later and I was still bleeding. I was feeling more unwell with fever, pain and fatigue but contributed it to stress, long hours and being mobile in a hot environment (hospital theatres and wards) Whilst on a 10 hour shift at hospital I went down to epu (early pregnancy unit) and they sent me for a scan and blood tests. Turns out part of the pregnancy was still in my uterus and I was septic. I didn't even know how ill I was until then because I was just trying to push through and complete my long shifts. Needless to say I was admitted immediately with iv antibiotics and had emergency surgery that evening.

Mentally I'm still drained. I've carried on through my degree but pressure is mounting as I felt like I sacraficed enough already as a mum and wife and now this.. So if I fail it really would all be for nothing.. Which adds a huge amount of pressure. I've been losing weight (just under 2 stone since surgery) and as I was only a size 10 to start with it hasn't been good, I feel like I eat as I normally have so can't understand.. Perhaps stress? I've had thyroid and full set of bloods checked and all okay.

The worrying thing is, which is causing me the most upset is that I haven't had a cycle since the surgery. Bloods for hormone levels and fertility (FSH etc) all came back as normal so not early menopause etc. Further scans all show normal uterus and overies so not PCOS either.

Not sure what I'm asking actually but I feel like my husband just doesn't see it as a big deal (missing cycle not the miscarriage) as we have discussed trying again but not until I've completed my degree (next year) I know it can take a while for things to settle after a MC but it's been 7 months nearly. I feel like I can't move on emotionally until my cycle and therefore normality has returned. I just feel like my fertility has been taken away even though Dr's say that's not the case. My body just needs to recover and as my cycle hadn't fully returned to normal before pregnancy as I was breastfeeding this can take time. But surely that should have happened by NOW? I don't feel like a woman anymore and that I'm failing in every way as a mother, a wife and also at uni (even though I've passed every exam and assignment to date) I just feel alone and I don't want to keep talking to DH about it as I feel I'm placing too much on him even though he's supportive what else can he say?
I have a councilling number from the doctors but with an assignment and an exam due this month alongside everything else I don't have a spare minute from the time I get up to when I go to bed and it would be sacrafcing the small amount of time I do get with my DS's. Also I don't feel I can process anything until my cycle returns as until that happens I just don't feel I can move on.

AIBU to feel this way and still be upset by it? Im asking as I know women go through worse but I feel in limbo and so worried I may never be able to have another child now. I guess I just want some comfort and input. Has anyone else been in the same situation or can offer any outside perspective as its something I always value as people involved can have their logic compromised through their emotional thoughts.

Apologies for the grammatical errors I'm all over the place and can't think straight.

You're disabled
In training
In education
Miscarrying
Septic
Breastfeeding
Parenting small children

I just cant tell you what a HUGE plate that is, it's an inhuman load for anyone to cope with. I dont know what it is but what can you do to make a change so that its bearable for you?

I feel like I'll have got the wrong end of the stick there apologies if I misread and not all of those apply, its still a bloody lot.

I would assume your periods have not returned due to the weight loss and maybe hormones
I would ask for a gynaecologist referral

Your feelings are absolutely not unreasonable.

But you need to start talking to yourself like you would someone else. If someone came to you and said she didn't feel like a proper woman because she wasn't having periods, what would you say? You'd reassure her, wouldn't you?

What about if someone came to you, having been very ill, currently losing weight for unknown reasons, and worried about their menstrual cycle? I bet you'd say, well no wonder it hasn't come back. It'll come back when you're properly well.

You've lost 2 stone by accident in the last 7 months. Even intentional sudden weight-loss screws around with periods, and this isn't that. You need to figure out what is causing that.

@GloGirl you're not mistaken. All what you listed is correct. I can't drop back on any of what I'm doing until my degree is finished. Surgeon wanted to complete at least one of my hip replacement by easter but I had to decline.. He's hoping summer as he said it needs doing.. Well they both do but this one in particular as already had one major surgery on it so the replacement needs to be sorted but it looks like I'll be on placement for third year straight after summer and also this year at easter so recovery just wouldn't be possible until I'm finished I just have to keep telling myself I'm over half way that it's not forever.

I'm in the process of another referral for weight loss and under a neurological team for investigations elsewhere due to symptoms and pain.. I just want my cycle more than anything.. Hopefully if I can get this next month out the way the pressure for this year is lifted and then tackle weight loss issue and then hopefully my periods will return and I can try and deal with the emotional pain from all that's happened and try and move past it.. I thought I was getting on with things but then to find out I was carrying part of my baby (that's how I see it) for over 6 weeks after mc and I didn't even realise I was becoming septic scared me and knocked me backwards.. Thank you for responding to me. You're right I need to talk to myself as I would talk to a friend and care for myself a little more.. Though its hard with the amount of mum guilt.

If you are absolutely certain you cannot remove a single thing from your list (really?)

You'll have to add something.

Add a nanny, or add an overnight stay out of the house to binge some paperwork, or add in a food delivery service, or add in taxis rather than public transport. Etc. Add in some further family support if possible, or a babysitter twice a week.

You HAVE to do something, it's unholy the burden you have. You know the phrase about fitting your own oxygen mask first?

Gosh that's really a lot OP. I'm sorry for both your loss and the health complications you then had. That alone would be a lot for most people.

I'm a bit in the same boat as you, the same, minus your health issues - I have some different ones, so know what you mean about pushing through. And the weight of not doing as best as you can or not finishing.

A few things come to mind.

First, if you were size 8 and lost 2 stone, surely you must now be underweight? If BMI is too low that stops menstruation, I believe.

Second, is there any chance your course can be deferred for a year? I've had to do this, I'm not happy about it, but it has made a difference. I know it's not possible with some courses though.

Third, I used to go to a hotel to get study done when I had a lot. It's AMAZING what you can do when there is nothing around you (kids, washing, cooking, questions, toys on the floor..). Maybe that's something that could be useful - even though it's not a holiday, it is a massive break because when do you only have ONE THING to focus on! It isn't the cheapest option per visit, but over all it was cheaper then having a baby sitter and was worth it's weight in gold for the productivity!

Fourth is that you can push yourself really really hard, but there's no point in going to the point where it all collapses around you - or you in the middle of everything. We do have limits. Your health issues are quite serious and the stress is large. I hope that you can find ways of incorporating total downtime in. I'm half laughing with this, because I'm guessing your reaction will be similar to what mine was when others said it to me! But there's truth in it - we're still human at the end of the day. It's important to push hard to achieve the best we can, but it's also important to know when we need to take care of our bodies. I am not telling you what to do, I don't know and would probably be a bad judge anyway! It's more a friendly reminder.

You sound awesome though! :)

You sound just overwhelmed, physically and emotionally. In your shoes, I would speak to my husband first, and make everything clear to him so he could help me figure out how to ease the load

I would approach tutors to see what help they can suggest.

I would start watching mindfulness videos on YouTube for at least 10 minutes a day.

It sounds like you have a good handle on what needs to be done, health wise.

Please try and find some way to do some self care, before you collapse.Your course is important, but so are you

Thank you for your responses and @wrinkledimplelover even though I don't wish it on anyone I'm glad I'm not alone and the only one going through it.

My tutor did say I could take an interruption after Christmas as we had finished a module and exam so was perfect timing but when I thought it through financially it would just add another strain and probably mean I would need to work full time and not be able to return.. So the all for nothing appears again.

I am now clinically underweight but trying my best to gain though lt been successful so far.. Hopefully the referrals will give some answers though I do know when stressed weight just drops off me so will fully take on board mindfulness and taking care of myself when I can though that's hard with little ones.. Today for example first day alone to get stuck into essay.. 4 year old now off school and had to take him to Dr's.. Turned out to be viral throat infection. I know these things happen but it's the 'can't catch a break' cycle continuing. (sorry it sounds very self pittying and it must stop, I know I'm lucky compared to some)

I will try to organise going elsewhere to write up essay.. Last time I took myself to my mums whilst she was at work and got 3300/4000 words done in a day. Being at home does cause many distractions even if you're sat in silence there is always something to do.

I'm really trying to give something up but at the moment it's not doable.. Oh forgot to mention I help care for my nan (though mum does majority but I help when I can, she's housebound) and have a kcne a week cleaning job as well as other job to pay the bills.. I'm applying for extra finance help from uni. Childcare is over £600 per month and student finance won't help at all as partner earns over there threshold of £14000 per year.. That's less than minium wage.. How do they expect us to make a better life for ourselves. I hope my periods return soon. It makes perfect sense they have gone at the moment with how much weight Ive lost and the stress I'm under.. Its perfectly logical but emotionally I'm so drained by what happened I just can't see it. I almost blame myself for having the feeling of disappointment when I first discovered I was pregnant due to circumstances. Even though that quickly changed I feel like perhaps this is my punishment for feeling negatively about it originally.
I want to achieve this for a better life for my family. My kids deserve that. I watched my mum struggling financially growing up. She was working three jobs to make ends meet, we hardly saw her and she was always sad she couldn't provide the life she wanted or spend time with us.. As much as we never went without and was happy I missed her she was always working and even though I knew why it didn't take the fact she wasn't there away.. From a child who went through that and now as a mother that's not the work life balance my family want or deserve. I want to work to live not live to work. Even though it may seem like the latter now I know its short term and it will be worth it. Taking time out just prolongs it.

It's my own fault. I should have been better at guessing numbers for the lottery.

• weight gain been unsuccessful so far

*once a week cleaning job

You’re understandably overwhelmed and have been through a huge trauma. Miscarriages are traumatic enough at the best of times without one causing sepsis... You’re also disabled, studying at uni and have two children under the age of five. It’s a lot for anyone to deal with, I think everyone would feel the same way you do.

You are not a failure. Cycles are incredibly erratic following miscarriages, if it hasn’t returned to normal 12 months after the miscarriage you should return to GP and demand further tests.

Thank you. I'm glad to hear I'm not being unreasonable to feel like this is all a bit much right now.. Hopefully cycle wise it's just because of miscarriage/sepsis /weight loss and they will return soon.. I have been asked to go back at 12 months if not back.. Perhaps if I can tackle one thing at a time it will all start to piece together.. Though just when I feel like I have a plan and am getting somewhere something else (like today) crops up.. Ideally I need to not work as well as complete degree but until free childcare at 3 years old kicks in (not until next April 2021) that's not possible.. Also that's the year I hopefully qualify so at least that should be a good year.. I just need to make it that far without a breakdown or other health issues.. touches wood

OP - if you told your mum what you're going through, could she offer some practical support?

What does your DH do (other than work full time)?

I'm really sorry about your miscarriage and health problems, I can't offer any advice but I hope it gets better soon.

Can I just say that I think you're amazing. Not many people could do half of what you do, especially with mobility issues and surgeries, I know I couldn't.

If you are clinically underweight then that will effect your cycle

@Boucle I couldn't tell my mum it would be more harm than good she already thinks I shouldn't be doing the course and even though says she's proud of me deems me selfish I think she said before I started 'don't sacrafice your childrens happiness for the course you need to stop if they get upset because I know what you're like you won't think of them' imagine the comments if I told her? This is for my children they are happy. I never miss the important things, I'm there every play every parents evening, birthday and when they are ill and need mummy but also when they want to pain or bake or go to the park Im there despite this, no matter what it takes I worked a late to an early to make sure I could pick my son up from school and help with the event they were having that afternoon. It's for a better life for them as well as me as ill be doing something I have a passion for. That comment from her really hurt.. But it's not the first time she's said something to that effect so can only imagine what she would say about what happened.. It wouldn't be good.. I may tell her but not until I'm finished my degree. If at all.

Husband works and helps care for me.. Some days he helps me get dressed and shower and is there to drive me most places and bath the boys every night.. Takes me to my hospital appointments in London and the boys out when I need a rest.. Yeh he's a bit lazy with housework but he's a good man and does all he can to support me.

*paint

Sorry if it’s been mentioned already, but have you spoken to your doctor about your mental health recently? You have an enormous amount on your plate as it is, and some of the terminology you’ve used is exactly the same as me when I’m really struggling mentally

@BogOffJanuary. I have and been given a number for self referral to councilling but I just don't see how I can fit it in though I recognise I need too. I think I'm scared. My course.. Though outting me now but hey ho is midwifery.. Which.. When taking into account what's happened makes it worse in many ways though lovely in others. I had sever PND after the birth of my youngest (started the course when he was 7 months old) never in the line of negative thoughts towards him I adored him and wanted to protect him I felt not good enough and that my children would be better without me though no intention to harm myself as that would upset them... So a sort of suffer in my mind but stay to protect them sort of mindset.. I was worried if I sought professional help they wouldn't allow me to start the course and if I did now would throw me off as they were concerned I would start stealing babies or something.. Completely illogical but for whatever reason I'm worried they wouldn't let me continue.

Thats another reason I feel I can't keep talking to my husband about this he was so supportive during my PND even when I had to get him to stay home from work as I had a panic attack at the thought of being left alone with the children.. Not because I didn't love them or would hurt them but I had a constant fear I wasn't good enough for them, that they would be taken from me in some way. This ended up with him having a breakdown at work and talking to a Councillor as he just didn't know how to help and couldn't see me treat myself this way.. Seeing my dh cry and breakdown mentally is not something I ever want to put him through again. I believe how I was treated by family members and comments that were made about my youngest before he was born majorly contributed to this frame of mind.. But that's a different story... And now with the loss it's further proof I'm failing as a mother, a wife and a person.. (just how I feel) My doctor said with my disabilities he hasn't had another patient with them that would work at all (especially with the medication I need just to get out of bed in the morning) let alone embark on a degree.. He wrote a lovely letter to my university stating his support and how I'm covered under the disability discrimination act.. Was so lovely to see.

What can I do? Get this exam and assignment out the way and take a year off though risk not being able to return due to finances and emotional wellbeing or just soilder on and aim for the light?

I'm sorry to hear your mum won't give you the support you deserve and have no doubt you're a very good mother. It's all just too much! If you gave up the part time jobs (cleaning when you need surgery on a hip replacement??) could you cope financially - are there any benefits you could claim?

Glad your DH is a good 'un.

If you needed to defer some of your degree until childcare funding kicked in (April 2021 is just a year away) it wouldn't be a huge issue. You're playing the long game here and your physical and mental health are (as you know) so important.

Yeh you're both right... The cleaning is at my nans I hate taking money but it's less than they would be paying for a cleaner and I am usually there a few hours and stop and have a cuppa and chat in between and take it slowly.. I couldn't do a normal cleaning job due to disabilities.
If I pass the exam and assignment I should be fine but also have the option of taking the year out and coming back when the free childcare kicks in so would be perfect timing.. I really will think about it. It's so hard as I just don't want to regret it if I did take a year out.. Don't know whether seeing all the others qualify will just make me worse.. I just know if I get this month out the way and pass both it will take stress off and I can reevaluate and see where I'm at.. I'm just so worn down I can't think straight.. I love my mum but I wish she would believe in me a bit more. She says these things but has no evidence I'm like that at all.. Not sure why she does it but it's always been that way.

You are under enormous pressure, and I think it is taking a toll on your physical and mental health.

I don't have any quick fixes for any of it, unfortunately, but you are entitled to exactly the same amount of sympathy that you would give a prospective patient. I bet you'd be lovely and incredibly helpful to me if I told you what you are saying here.

Reflect that back at yourself.

You must be stressed as hell. No wonder your cycle is all crazy, what with that and the weight loss. It’s a marathon not a sprint - you don’t have to do everything all at once, you know? You need to find some space for you or you will fall over all together. So your mum won’t help - but what about other family and friends? Could any of them do some babysitting when you could do assignments or make dinner once a week or something?

You're both right if this was a patient I would support her, reassure her and encourage her to take care of herself. I do have a cousin who knows what happened and is great to talk to but she has a little one and just gone back to work from maternity so can't ask for too much. I do love my sister and mum they do care and mum does have the boys every now and then if I need to rest when having a flare up of pain or assignment needs doing and I've worked so cant focus as feel exhausted though those are rare as my sisteelr lives closer and she has her children quite frequently and also works herself. I just know they would react badly about this and not be helpful. Being told it was the stress of the course and I can't do it so should quit is not the support I need right now. I could ask for her help in general.. Its sad I can't talk through how sad I'm feeling with them but everytime I show any vulnerability they won'tet go of it and keep bringing it up in a negative way and I just can't cope with that. I think I need to focus on this month and then assess and talk to dh about it all. Has anyone taken a year off uni and gone back okay? Or had any similar experience post mc?