AIBU to still feel sad, stressed and in limbo *warning sensitive subject*

[HelloBambinos]

To paint a bit of a picture. 2DS (4 & just turned 2) married, work part time and half way through a degree. DH works full time also.

June last year we had a surprise pregnancy. Shocked as during my degree so unplanned but still happy. Not going to lie and say everything was perfect because with my exams two weeks away, having to work alongside uni and struggling financially already with childcare for other little ones as well as spinning a lot of plates there was a moment of 'oh god how are we going to manage right now' needless to say that shock passed and we were happy to be adding a new addition even if the stress was still at the back of my mind with regards to money and continuing degree (healthcare related so long placement hours, night shifts etc).. Decided to wait until after exams before telling immediate family followed by everyone else after the 12 weeks scan.

Sadly two days after my exam (everything was crammed into that week, exams and essays due so very stressful) I miscarried at 7 weeks. I didn't even have chance to tell immediate family I was pregnant and as mum and sibling hadnt exactly been supportive of degree, saying it was too much for me with my disabilities (mobility issues requiring multiple surgeries under specialists which are ongoing) me and dh kept it to ourselves as I was grieving and didn't need to be told (by mum and sibling) its the degree that caused it with the stress, even though I know that probably wasn't the cause at all and these things do happen as devastating as they are.

I had placement coming up and wanted to get to the end of the year so I decided on physiological management and to throw myself into placement after a week off initially. 6 weeks later and I was still bleeding. I was feeling more unwell with fever, pain and fatigue but contributed it to stress, long hours and being mobile in a hot environment (hospital theatres and wards) Whilst on a 10 hour shift at hospital I went down to epu (early pregnancy unit) and they sent me for a scan and blood tests. Turns out part of the pregnancy was still in my uterus and I was septic. I didn't even know how ill I was until then because I was just trying to push through and complete my long shifts. Needless to say I was admitted immediately with iv antibiotics and had emergency surgery that evening.

Mentally I'm still drained. I've carried on through my degree but pressure is mounting as I felt like I sacraficed enough already as a mum and wife and now this.. So if I fail it really would all be for nothing.. Which adds a huge amount of pressure. I've been losing weight (just under 2 stone since surgery) and as I was only a size 10 to start with it hasn't been good, I feel like I eat as I normally have so can't understand.. Perhaps stress? I've had thyroid and full set of bloods checked and all okay.

The worrying thing is, which is causing me the most upset is that I haven't had a cycle since the surgery. Bloods for hormone levels and fertility (FSH etc) all came back as normal so not early menopause etc. Further scans all show normal uterus and overies so not PCOS either.

Not sure what I'm asking actually but I feel like my husband just doesn't see it as a big deal (missing cycle not the miscarriage) as we have discussed trying again but not until I've completed my degree (next year) I know it can take a while for things to settle after a MC but it's been 7 months nearly. I feel like I can't move on emotionally until my cycle and therefore normality has returned. I just feel like my fertility has been taken away even though Dr's say that's not the case. My body just needs to recover and as my cycle hadn't fully returned to normal before pregnancy as I was breastfeeding this can take time. But surely that should have happened by NOW? I don't feel like a woman anymore and that I'm failing in every way as a mother, a wife and also at uni (even though I've passed every exam and assignment to date) I just feel alone and I don't want to keep talking to DH about it as I feel I'm placing too much on him even though he's supportive what else can he say?
I have a councilling number from the doctors but with an assignment and an exam due this month alongside everything else I don't have a spare minute from the time I get up to when I go to bed and it would be sacrafcing the small amount of time I do get with my DS's. Also I don't feel I can process anything until my cycle returns as until that happens I just don't feel I can move on.

AIBU to feel this way and still be upset by it? Im asking as I know women go through worse but I feel in limbo and so worried I may never be able to have another child now. I guess I just want some comfort and input. Has anyone else been in the same situation or can offer any outside perspective as its something I always value as people involved can have their logic compromised through their emotional thoughts.

Apologies for the grammatical errors I'm all over the place and can't think straight.

Wondering who voted yabu.. Not offended just wondering if they would explain why so I could see a different point of view.. Maybe it will help?

Jesus, you sound fucking amazing to be juggling everything!

You need to be kind to yourself, honestly I think a year out would be good for you to reflect on your happiness and you're achievements.

If you're as determined as you seem, graduating a year behind your cohort isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things.
It's not giving up, it's recognising that you have a lot on and need a break.

I fell pregnant with ds a year into my nursing degree, after year 2 I was unexpectedly pregnant with dd. Uni were great at accommodating, but I had pnd after dd and
I didn't go back to it for year3 as I felt it wasn't the right time.

I worked part time, gained lots of experience and I'm now studying (10 years later) using the credits I gained from the earlier studying.
I don't regret it one bit as it was the right thing to do at the time.

Miscarriage is heartbreaking. That alone will have taken its toll, not to mention the sepsis and hospital admission.

Take some time, even if it’s 15 minutes each night to mourn your baby. It happened and hurts so much. You will be ok.

Your periods will return when life calms down a little. You said you weren’t planning on trying again until next year so I would put that out of your mind for now. Concentrate on making time to eat if you can.

I can understand you not wanting to tell your Mum. Would they be up for offering to take the children overnight once in a while?

You have done so well to come so far. You can do this but you need to try to care for yourself a little more.

Your body isn't in a fit state to have another child right now so it's doing the sensible thing and conserving those resources. It's not actually biologically normal for women to menstruate for most of their fertile life; that's a modern thing.

So adjusting your expectations might help, as it's nothing to do with how much of a woman you are.

Your body isn't in a fit state to have another child right now so it's doing the sensible thing and conserving those resources

This is exactly what my GP told me. After having peritonitis and sepsis a few years ago, my periods packed up for six months. I had lost a couple of stone too. You've got so much more added stress and upset so it's no surprise you still haven't started back up.

Looking after yourself, asking for help (both practical and emotional) and saying NO might be a good way to reduce the stress in your life, which may increase your appetite - leading to weight gain and hopefully the return of AF.

Alternatively, go and spend £150 on a pair of white trousers. Go on a day/night out wearing them. That's guaranteed to bring things on.

Or take a flight. Plan a hot and sunny holiday full of sexy times once the DC are asleep. You'll get your period within 12 hours of landing.

Thank you for all making me smile with your suggestions to hell my period return. You've all been very helpful and comforting with your kind words. I really appreciate it. I do need to take.. Or rather make time for myself even if its 10 mins per day to sit alone in silence to help me process me thoughts and practice a little mindfulness. You're right in saying a year out is nothing in the long run.. It's not a race after all and after my exam and assignment this month I will seriously consider taking that year out for myself. I'm so glad I'm able to gain some objective perspective. I feel like I'm drowning most days but at least I know feeling how I am is normal and understandable now.. I was worried I was just being dramatic and should just carry on and stop complaining..i know people are worse off and I'm very lucky in many ways but this still hurts.

I do not have much to offer because a lot of wonderful advice has been given already but I do think you're amazing. Truly. That's a lot of stuff to take on. A course is enough, in and of itself. I have two degrees and it was brutal at times just dealing with assignments, tests, etc.

Do you do anything to unwind/relax? Maybe you can add more of whatever is you like doing to help you cope? Or music? Music helps me relax, it sort of recalibrates me, so might do the same for you too, so throwing it out there. Any hobbies? Might try that. Just something to take your focus on something fun versus stuff that's difficult and stressful right now.

@FrockFrockFrockityFrock thank you for your reply I'm certainly trying my best. I know once the degree is over I'll feel a huge weight lifted off me.. Just got to get there.

Regarding relaxation I was a PT so loved teaching spin etc and going to the gym it was my stress relief and I always felt much better after a workout. However, now I physically can't do that, even light exercise would cause more harm than good so I do feel like I have no relief for my stress like I used too. Hopefully once hips are replaced I will be able to manage my chronic pain condition more and exercise again. I do like music and try to use that to escape and relax for a bit. Sometimes I'll just sit in the back garden and listen to music for fresh air.. Weather permitting of course.. Its. Good to escape for a little bit. I used to listen to music whilst driving to placement etc but recently I've started not having anything on and the quiet does help me de stress before a hectic shift so I'm trying to make the little changes to help long term.. Things I can do that don't take long as well as I need to fit it in.. I'm planning to go for a massage soon as well.. Would love to have one per month just to help with aches and pains as well as relaxation.. Will talk to dh to see if it can fit in the budget. Even though taking a year out makes sense in many ways I feel stressed by the thought of it as its prolonging the overall degree, even though I will be able to get my life balance back to normal during that year and that will help a part of me will be always feeling anxious and stressed that I still have to go back to it and know what's ahead so not sure if overall it will help or not, once these exams and assignment is done I can have a proper think about it..

Anyone have any relaxing suggestions for someone with disabilities that doesn't cost much and can be done in a short amount of time to fit in busy schedule?
The return of my cycle is playing on my mind a lot but I understand why it may not have returned yet.. Never thought I'd be so desperate to have a period

I haven't got any useful advice except to say your Mum should be so proud and supportive of you rather than negative about your degree. You are amazing, I'd be screaming about you from the rooftops if you were my daughter, and doing everything in my power to help you achieve your goals. Don't give up, but be kind to yourself and have confidence in your decisions.

I feel tired just reading your posts OP! I agree with others, a year out would do you the world of good. You need to get some balance back in your life, and I really think that if you continue the way you are then that is not going to happen. You can still complete your degree, but you need time for yourself first - it will make a world of difference.

Best of luck

You are giving yourself SUCH a hard time op. Im on placement and find it tough without all the other stuff you have. This be kind stuff that people are talking about applies to you.
So don't hate taking money for cleaning. You earned it ....apply for as much financial help as possible.

gosh, you have been though a lot.

you have a lot of health issues already, awaiting further hip replacement, 2 small children.

I would not consider having a DC3 in your circumstances even if you get to the bottom of the weighloss and fix it.

I have a disabled child with complex needs. I had her in my early 30s. I always say - looks, if you have another child, could you cope with a child with complex needs.

I think you need to find a way of moving on from wanting a DC3 in your situation. you have 2 DC and health issues...look after yourself and the DC you have. you have already loads to deal with.

More to come but.... magnesium supplements and evening primrose oil to start with.

Google accupressure may (£20 on amazon) and find a way to find 20 minutes of silence with some relaxing/ reiki healing music.

I also have a link to a beautiful rest to rise meditation which is deeply healing. PM me and I will send it.

Accupressre mat

Thank you for all your replies and supportive words.

@user1492809438 it is a shame my mum can't see it how I do. She says she's proud but the keeps telling me to quit and aim for a council house (spoke about it on another thread) not that there is anything wrong with that at all as I grew up in one and made no difference it's just I want to provide a better future for my boys financially and our family which would mean we have no need for one anyway so should go to someone who needs it.. But as I say that's another thread. Its just difficult when you are struggling and when you really need the support and encouragement from family they are waiting to say 'told you you can't do it. You need to give up' that's not the words I need right now but hopefully as I get near the end that will change. She's more supportive than she was before I started but stolill not actually supportive if that makes sense..

@dairyfairies Before the pregnancy we weren't even sure we were going to have a third DC but the loss triggered something in me to now feel that's exactly what I want.. But it would not be to the detriment of my current DC and my marriage and health.. It would be discussed properly and depending on how our circumstances are post degree but it is something I would love to have.. And my dh feels the same also.. Though it would be with eyes wide open rather than through rose tinted glasses.

@malificent7 you're right I do need to be kind to myself more that's exactly what I would tell a woman in my care, as mum's we tend to be out own worse critics and mum guilt always appears. I'm currently applying for extra funding at university.

@eaglejulesk logically I know you're right.
it's just a scary thought as I don't know if I would be able to go back but it is something I'm going to really look into and weigh up the pros and cons once this month is out of the way.

@chateauMargaux I will pm you as that sounds like something I could really do with. I do currently take Magnesium and evening primrose oil.. Though only during the last few weeks so fingers crossed they help.

Honestly, thank you all for your kind words and opinions they really do help and glad to know I'm not alone or being over sensitive.. Sometimes with disabilities because everyday tasks are harder I never know what I can discuss with people as don't want to come across like I'm making a big deal out of nothing.