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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how I can live not just exist

39 replies

SearchingForFun · 01/03/2020 23:09

Just that really. I feel like I just exist each day but I am not really living.

What can I do to live? I don't know if I am making sense. Life must have more meaning. I get up go to work, come home tired, kids, cook, sleep.

Alot of the time I think it's just me and everyone else is living. Is it just me?

OP posts:

sweetkitty · 01/03/2020 23:12

I don’t know
I feel the exact same, I wake up and dread each day

Lilyamna · 01/03/2020 23:13

You sound burnt out. Are you in a position to take a break from work for a bit, reduce your hours or get more childcare?

Divebar · 01/03/2020 23:16

Two questions.... how old are you and what do you do for fun?

Menopauseandteensdontmix100 · 01/03/2020 23:18

I think we all feel a bit like that from time to time. It’s worse at this time of year especially with the cold and wet weather and doom and gloom about storms, flooding and now Coronavirus.
Maybe organise something nice just for you it doesn’t have to be massive maybe a sneaky afternoon off to catch up with a friend, a night out, wrap and go for a walk somewhere nice, read a book, start a hobby go to a fun exercise class, book a trip to the hairdresser, a massage or manicure or binge on Netflicks whatever floats your boat.

Original poster

SearchingForFun · 01/03/2020 23:19

@sweetkitty it really feels miserable sometimes doesn't it? Can you pinpoint why you feel like this?

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Original poster

SearchingForFun · 01/03/2020 23:20

@Lilyamna yes I would probably agree. I am always doing things for other people and never really stop to think about myself, so burnt out could be part of my problem.

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luca123 · 01/03/2020 23:22

Could you have mild depression? As cheesy as it sounds I find what works for me is to really stop and appreciate things and think about all of the things I am grateful for-family, friends, health. Take some time every day to do something you love whether that be going for a run, reading a good book, talking to a good friend. Find time for you and rediscover yourself. Eat well and try to sleep at least 7 hours a day. When you.wake up in the morning almost try to condition your mind to only think positive thoughts. I have been told that the happiest people are those that spend their money on experiences rather than material posessions and that is what i try to do. I have definitely been there and felt bogged down with life and i really do think I had depression but didn't realise at the time. I started exercising and one day it really was like the clouds lifted and i could see this amazing world with a bright future out there. Hang in there. Your time will come xxxx

sweetkitty · 01/03/2020 23:23

I don’t know why I feel like this. Groundhog Day I suppose. I’m fed up running around after thankless DC.

Original poster

SearchingForFun · 01/03/2020 23:23

@Divebar

Late 30's. And I am really embarrassed to say I do nothing for fun. That sounds so awful but it's true. I do practical, logical, necessity.

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mummyyessy · 01/03/2020 23:26

OP...just a small idea, but try setting yourself one aim for each week, so like doing an online course (free ones on eg. future-learn), or playing some bulbs, or purposefully breaking the frickin dull as hell routine - eg. stop at the park on way home from school or go & feed the ducks on way home.
Take joy in tiny things, like reeeealy good coffee, or a new book from a charity shop, or something.
And sorry if this sounds shit, but I often think about what I'm grateful for - the more basic the better - a warm meal, a safe home etc.

Original poster

SearchingForFun · 01/03/2020 23:26

@Menopauseandteensdontmix100

It is all doom and gloom at the moment! But even when it's not I still just exist. Thank you for your suggestions... I do need to arrange more time to do something for myself.

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BlueHarry · 01/03/2020 23:27

I think that's life a lot of the time. Just getting on with it and carrying out the routine. To enjoy it imo you have to kind of make an effort to be in it. I will try and explain what I mean better, it's like a mental thing. Like for example when I spend time with my dd, I can be just going through the motions and not really paying attention and just be on autopilot, or I can get involved and enjoy talking to her and have some fun. Or walking to the shop I can walk there and back without noticing my surroundings or I can notice that it's a beautiful sky and there's a nice looking bird etc. Also every so often I take some time and sit in the spare room and properly cleanse and tone and moisturise my face and quite enjoy it. I don't do anything that interesting and none of those things might be your idea of living but to me it's just sort of "being in the moment", whatever that moment is. Sorry if that's a shit answer but I've been where you are and still go back there sometimes. I try to make an effort to do the kind of stuff I'm saying and enjoy what I have from time to time and I'm a lot happier for it.

katy1213 · 01/03/2020 23:32

The weather has been terribly depressing but a bit of sunshine today really lifted my spirits. Once the evenings get lighter, could you manage a half hour walk after dinner? Turn off the television and bury yourself in a book. (New Hilary Mantel out in a few days!) And make sure you get some childfree time for yourself, even if it's just to catch a film. Your needs are as important as everyone else's so don't run around facilitating everyone else's activities and find that you don't have any of your own.

Original poster

SearchingForFun · 01/03/2020 23:33

@luca123

I have thought for a while I might be mildly depressed but then I tell myself to stop being so silly. Life is just tough at the moment, that's not depression. I feel do feel down alot but that's just because of life. I go round in circles.

I know I should do everything you suggest but then life gets in the way and I don't get round to it. This is what I need to fix.

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JuanSheetIsPlenty · 01/03/2020 23:34

I felt much the same for a long time OP. I still do from time to time. I think we forget to schedule in something fun just for us. Try and set something up for yourself at least once a week. Even if it’s just an hour in the bathroom where no-one is allowed to knock the door, call your name, need you at all. And you just treat yourself to a hot bath, wine, music, face mask, hair mask, paint your toenails, shave your legs, slather them in coconut oil. Bonus points if you’ve got a freshly made bed to slide into afterwards.

Maybe that sounds horrendous to you I know pampering isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Maybe you’d prefer to go to the pub and read a book by yourself or meet friends or go and walk on the beach. Whatever it is you fancy- schedule it in. Book a babysitter if you have to. But do something once a week just for you.

Original poster

SearchingForFun · 01/03/2020 23:36

@sweetkitty

Yes running round after DC is hard work and often a thankless task. I want to have fun with them but worry it's never fun.

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Piccalino3 · 01/03/2020 23:37

I feel like this atm, 3 very young kids/baby, no time for myself, my husband or anything but chores and kids and no energy. For me this is partly because my baby is little and so I am with children 24/7. If that's not the case for you then maybe a hobby would help? I find I need to be enthused about something. I love the researching, little purchases, an online community that a hobby gives me and a space to occupy my mind.

I've decided that although I'm really limited in what I can do I'm going to teach myself biscuit decorating this year. I want to be really quite good by Christmas and have found a good online course. It's something the kids will like, I can give them my left overs to play with, I can do it at home and it'll give me a nice little skill for the future. Ok, it's not ground breaking but it really doesn't need to be.

Have you had a hobby before? Is there anything you like doing? Do you think that could help?

Original poster

SearchingForFun · 01/03/2020 23:40

@mummyyessy

I do love the simple things in life... I get stressed when everything else gets in the way. I think I could do with getting back to basics. Like lots of ppl have suggested exercise, good food, a book, a walk.

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katy1213 · 01/03/2020 23:42

What's your idea of fun? And do you live somewhere lively?

Original poster

SearchingForFun · 01/03/2020 23:46

@BlueHarry

Being in the moment is exactly right. I am so busy moving from one thing to the next I don't enjoy being in the moment.

When I say living I don't mean expensive holidays and fancy restaurants. I love hearing birds sing, going for a walk, reading a book, seeing friends, cuddling my DC. I don't do any of these things nearly enough because I am too busy try to make life great for everyone else (and probably falling at that too!)

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Lardlizard · 01/03/2020 23:49

Op I hear you, I think all any of can do is spend more time doing things we love it enjoy

Listen tohappy music
Enjoy a good book film or tv show
Identify simple thing that make you happy like everyday after story time I get into my kids bed for a cuddle, best part of the day
A hot bath seeing friend family spending time in nature By the sea
Painting drawing crafting
Helping others

Once you identify what you enjoy, you just had to do it

Original poster

SearchingForFun · 01/03/2020 23:54

You all sound like you have it sussed! The advise has been great and it all makes sense.

I have definitely lost who I am so I don't even know what I enjoy hobby-wise anymore. My DC are school age so I'm not at that stage anymore. But still at the 'mummy mummy mummy' stage! I am trying to get them to go to daddy more.

I start thinking about things I should do like join a running club but never end up doing it.

OP posts:

Original poster

SearchingForFun · 01/03/2020 23:58

@Piccalino3

Biscuit decorating sounds like fun! I like baking cakes, maybe that's something I could focus on.

OP posts:

Original poster

SearchingForFun · 02/03/2020 00:01

@katy1213

My idea of fun? I don't know really. I stopped thinking about that years ago and every one was prioritised over myself. Now I have lost who I am. I have to really think hard to think what I like. I need to change that. Not sure how.

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 02/03/2020 00:07

You sound overworked and mildly depressed. May I suggest you take vitamin B complex. It will help with your energy and mood. Also, this will sound trite, but it worked for me, count your blessing every day, either last thing at night or first thing in the morning. I really helps to make you feel more positive about what you have.

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