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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To crack open the wine

30 replies

JRUIN · 01/03/2020 14:46

Lost my mum 2 months ago and, as is usually the case on a Sunday, I am feeling especially emotional today. I am not working tomorrow and my kids are all grown up. Would I be unreasonable to get stuck into the wine (on an empty stomach) knowing that I will probably get easily drunk and even more emotional (might be a good thing allowing myself a good ol' cry though) or would that be the start of a slippery slope?

OP posts:
Northernsoullover · 01/03/2020 14:48

I don't think its a good idea. Drinking early just makes you feel shit earlier and it doesn't lessen the grief.

virginpinkmartini · 01/03/2020 14:49
Flowers

I wouldn't recommend it, but I wouldn't call you unreasonable either. Have you got anyone IRL to come and keep you company, it's not nice to sit and drink your sorrows on your own x

Mydogatemypurse · 01/03/2020 14:50

I think you should eat something. Even if its rubbish... crisps etc and then by all means have wine. But a stupid film on or something uplifting like queer eye. Get a blanket. Drink a pint of water first and then drink your wine. It might make you sleep. But dint do it in a depressive way. Do it in a way that will cheer you up and take your mind of things. If you think this Is unlikely avoid the wine.
I lost my mum when I was 19. It still hurts now but your mum wouldnt want you miserable. Do what you need to do but do it mindfully.
Take care lovely xxx

redcarbluecar · 01/03/2020 14:51

Sorry to hear what you’ve been through OP. Sounds like today is feeling tough for you. Is there anyone you can talk to? As for wine I don’t know whether that would be a slippery slope or not, hopefully not, but don’t make yourself ill by drinking on an empty stomach Flowers

Canadianpancake · 01/03/2020 14:52

It's not advisable to create a coping strategy like this. It won't make you feel any better and will probably make you feel worse. It's there someone irl you could call to spend a couple of hours with? Maybe go for a walk? Flowers

user32564567 · 01/03/2020 14:52

If that's what you feel you need to do, then do it.

Mydogatemypurse · 01/03/2020 14:53

If it makes you feel better I am kid free until tomorrow night. I've just batched cooked for work meals and I fully intend to do nothing else but binge watch netflix and have some beers this afternoon. I need a bloody break x
Dont overdo it xxx

The80sweregreat · 01/03/2020 14:53

I don't think alcohol is the answer here but I do know how your feeling. I miss my mum and she's been gone 10 years now. You learn to live with it but the early days are hard. I am sorry but you will get through these dark days. Remember the good times.
Do you have someone you can talk to in real life? Mumsnet is good but it's not the same as talking in real life.
I am sorry.

MatildaTheCat · 01/03/2020 14:53

If you can face it put on your coat and go out. Do you have a friend you could go for a coffee with? Make a small social connection and then have a plan for the rest of the day. Even putting on the radio is a bit of company and distraction.

Sorry for your loss. My DF is dying and it’s really shit. I probably said goodbye to him yesterday so I do get it.

Canadianpancake · 01/03/2020 14:54

Or some body to drink the wine with? I'm not judging about the wine, it just rarely had the desired effect x

JRUIN · 01/03/2020 15:00

I do have people IRL who would come if I asked. I actually turned down an invite to go out for lunch earlier, because I don't want to bring anyone down with me, especially the person who invited me out because she was very close to my mum also.Thank you for all your kind words, but in my head I'm thinking I need a good cry and a drink will help me get it out of my system without it affecting anyone else because I'm home alone.

OP posts:
PurplePonderer · 01/03/2020 15:04

Sorry for your lossFlowers The thing is worry about OP is that tomorrow you’d feel even worse. Alcohol affects people differently but I get the doom the next day if I drink wine and feel terrible emotionally. Is there anything else you could do to get your emotions out a bit? Watch a sad film, look at old photos, listen to sad songs. Maybe with just one glass of wine. Crying can be cathartic so I understand where you’re coming from, I’d just worry about the after effects.

ShesCurly · 01/03/2020 15:05

I am so, so sorry about your mum. I can't imagine how you are feeling and wish I could give you a hug.

Promise yourself two things:

  1. That you will take an hour and then decide if you want to drink. In the meantime have some food. Go for a "fuck it" attitude and have whatever you want - something extravagant, some guilty junk food, a takeaway.
  1. Commit in your head to only having a drink if someone is there with you. If you drink alone you will feel shit during and afterwards, which will only make the next day harder. Drinking loads won't get it out of your system, it will heighten the sadness you're feeling already and make you feel more depressed.

And my god, you won't be bringing friends down - they will be relieved you asked, happy to support you and there to stop you doing anything destructive like drinking fat too much. Ask them to stay over ideally. You can have some wine with them if you still want to when they arrive! Don't drink alone, please.

I'm thinking of you and I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

Thanks
JRUIN · 01/03/2020 15:08

@MatildaTheCat I find even listening to the radio hard, incase a sad song comes on. I really don't feel like socialising today and feel it a bit unfair to do so when I feel like this to be honest.
I am so so sorry about your DF Flowers

OP posts:
ShesCurly · 01/03/2020 15:10

I find even listening to the radio hard, incase a sad song comes on.

I totally get this, when I'm rock bottom all I can listen to is Harry Potter audiobooks because I can't risk music with anything that might trigger me i.e. everything. And I'm 33!

The80sweregreat · 01/03/2020 15:13

Grief is hard and it's so individual to each person. I was upset about my own mum but she was 85 and had Parkinson's and dementia and didn't want to live anymore.
It was different to someone whose mum died in different circumstances or was much younger or if they died unexpectedly.
People are also not good at listening sometimes : they tend to then want to talk about their own problems or don't understand how your feeling. Counselling might help you? (I hope your friends are good and not like this! )
It's not easy and I hope you can get through today. It does get easier in time but you need to be kind to yourself. A close relative started drinking when her mum died ( she was younger than my own mum) and it's now a bit of a problem. I'm not judging you at all but be aware it can happen if your trying to blot things out this way. ( I have a drink sometimes too too but I know it doesn't really help things in the long term. It can make you feel worse! )
I am sorry though.
Take care

PrincessHoneysuckle · 01/03/2020 15:20

Have the wine but with food

JRUIN · 01/03/2020 15:25

Good for you Mydogatemypurse And yes that does make me feel better so cheers [raises a glass] Wine

OP posts:
dontgobaconmyheart · 01/03/2020 15:27

So sorry for your loss OP. Are you having grief counselling?

Drink isn't ever the answer and drinking on an empty stomach deliberately sounds like masochism really, you wouldn't want to fall into a habit, which is a worry if you are already feeling there is 'nothing' else that helps you manage your feelings and if you feel you should isolate during sadness.

Obviously everyone is different but I would go for a brisk walk, make a deliberate point of noting down anything nice you see- dogs, signs of spring, nice houses,blue skies etc. Sounds glib but can be helpful and compiling information is a great way to realign the brain. Find a recipe and cook yourself a wholesome meal instead of wine.

During grief (after the initial constant devastation) I found it helped to set a time on crying if I felt I just needed a cry. Let it all out for 10 minutes, accept it, feel it, then stop and make yourself do something else. Ultimately if things are so bad you can't motivate yourself OP, what you need really are your friends/family to do that for you so I'd recommend that you try to take up offers, or ask to see people even if your snap response is that it doesn't appeal.

Looking after yourself means that you are investing in anything that you can do that will have a cumulative positive effect on your good mood even if it feels shit- walks, good diet, company, talking therapy, setting time aside to cry or indulge a positive memory- not giving in to destructive, isolating patterns that will make this worse in the long run. Grief is such a pit that we often end up treating ourselves as though we hate ourselves, because the feeling is so negative and painful inwardly that our outward behaviour reflects it. You're loved OP, must show yourself love, the love your DM would want you to show yourself in an ideal world.

Flowers for you OP, it's very hard and I do hope I haven't sounded glib. It is all easier said than done, but small steps make a journey.

JRUIN · 01/03/2020 15:30

Aww @ShesCurly that's cute and sad all at the same time. But yes I find music highly emotive. I was at a concert last week and was having a great time singing and dancing away, but as soon as a slow song was sung I'd well up like an idiot Blush

OP posts:
JRUIN · 01/03/2020 15:34

No you haven't sounded glib at all @dontgobaconmyheart. It's all good advice and I thank you for it, and everyone else who has responded so kindly too xx

OP posts:
ParkheadParadise · 01/03/2020 15:42

Sorry for your loss @JRUIN

Grief is such a personal thing, we all grieve differently.
Sometimes it's good to a cry and get it all out.
I would probably open a bottle🍷. I'm not saying that the right decision for you.
Take Care

Fifteenthnamechange · 01/03/2020 15:55

If u have to ask OP then don't do it. (I say this as someone who loves a drink).
Go for a walk somewhere isolated where u can think about your mum, feel close to her & let your feelings/tears out
My DM is dead & it can be really shit & lonely Thanks

JRUIN · 01/03/2020 15:58

Thanks @ParkheadParadise, despite most of the (nice) advise on here I have succumbed to the demon drink. What can I say the flesh is weak.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/03/2020 15:59

I am so sorry for your loss. Some good advice on this thread already.
It sounds a bit like you are punishing yourself. You know its not going to make you feel better but it seems like something to do. That is the trouble with grief, sometimes you just don't know what to do or where to put yourself. Its hard to resolve that other than going with the flow.
I second the suggestions to put your coat on and go for a walk..Even if its just for 10 minutes.

If music is really hard, plug in your ear pods and listen to an audio book it can be very helpful distraction. I think of it as giving your thoughts a temporary change of scene, it wont take them away but it might help stop them building up and being unmanageable.
Sometimes we just need to get through these times in any way we can. There's no perfect roadmap and you are doing your best.
It won't always be this acute so please be kind to yourself.

I hope you find someone you can talk to in RL about this or just have a cup of tea with. Flowers

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