Am I in the wrong here?

[ungratefulparrot]

I've tried posting before but TBH I think it all sounds like a jumbled up mess and it's too long.
Apologies and thank you to anyone who take the time to reply.

Basically I've been down a for a couple of days and my DP noticed and asked what's wrong. So I told him what was bothering me at the time i.e. the inability to upsize in our area where we really want to stay, as we talked I got upset and it also went to my general frustration at how I feel I've not done things how I always told myself I would get married first, buy a house, have DCs. Instead we got engaged , cue surprise pregnancy, putting of the wedding due to various reasons (still not married), certain things going very wrong meaning we are in a house which is rapidly getting small for us with no current prospects to upsize.
I expressed to him how I'm really happy with him and our DCs and that these things just get to me sometimes.

To be honest come to think of it I've had a recent sudden bereavement in the family, a distant relative my age who left behind a DC same age as my eldest and even though we haven't seen each other or spoken in years the reality of it hit home a bit probably due to their age - I feel like things are getting to me more and things like the house etc which wouldn't usually be such a huge deal are popping up in my head.

DP completely didn't get my frustration and in the end I feel he took it personally like I was blaming it on him/he wasn't able to provide which wasn't my issue at all and I told him I was really happy with him.

Since then we've barely spoken unless it's to discuss dinner/DCs/ where's xyz as he has been really distant and I can tell from his tone of voice he does not want to get into a conversation unless I initiate it and then it feels like he's a bit of an unwilling participant.
Since this morning he's also been pointing out how the house is a mess/ dishes haven't been done properly/ we aren't on top of things/ DCs nails need cutting / insert thing here.

We are now on day 4 of this.
I feel like crap and like I'm an ungrateful cow for even discussing things as he clearly did not like what I said.
It's a weekend which we should be spending as a family doing something nice and instead I'm getting the cold shoulder and keep tearing up. I feel like I have failed because he is right the house is a mess.

I'm a mess, and I'm doing everything we have a disservice.

But on the other hand I feel really hurt that his reaction to me being upset and talking things through with him was to turn cold and withdraw from me.

A part of me wants to make things better but a part of me feels really stand offish with him and want him to actually reach out for once.

AIBU and am I in the wrong ?

I think you have touched a raw nerve in him that he already felt some inadequacy about your situation so he has read something that wasn't there.

Ask if he is prepared to discuss the issue like adults in a mutually supportive relationship or is going to carry on with this hurtful behaviour when you are already massively struggling.

You are both being unreasonable to continue in an atmosphere when your have kids home too. Agree a time and place to talk and sort things out.

Tricky one

I guess the accidental pregnancy thwarted the best laid plans

Regardless of if you're in the wrong or not you're not unreasonable to be thinking about your own circumstances following a bereavement.

There was a woman on the news recently who lost her partner very suddenly. They had a child together but were unmarried. She was very upset to be told she wasn't his next of kin, that when his death was registered he would be recorded as single, and that she wouldn't be entitled to financial help that she would have qualified for if they were married.

But he did reach out to you when he asked what was wrong after you had be moping for a couple of days. That came back to bite him as you basically complained about your life since meeting him and got upset. If you're so unhappy with the life you have do something about it. It's not your DPs fault you think it's a shit show and I can understand why he's withdrawn.

You’re not wrong for feeling these things (I am with you, especially on the upsizing thing) but clearly it has put your partner on the defensive.

I think you need to clear the air, just tell him it wasn’t an accusation, it’s not reflective of him at all - it’s just how you feel about your circumstances at the moment. Things will change, and that includes your mood about it.

However I think it’s also worth saying that it’s not fun when he takes your annoyance at something and makes it personal, giving you the silent treatment. You’re supposed to be a partnership! If you can’t even have a rational chat about the stuff that’s getting you down, then what is the point?

PS I’ve had to have a similar convo with my husband - he’s not as bad as he was but he does seem to take anything negative as a personal attack on him. Sometimes I’m just annoyed.

I see where he is coming from tbh. Where you both are.
Life gets all of us down sometimes

Ugh. Pressed send. Sorry.
To continue.
But I agree with @onanothertrain
I would be pretty upset if my partner named basically everything what happened when together as reasons why they are unhappy. Especially if lots of it has to do with money, well the lack of it, which I bring home.

Thank you for the replies I didn't think I'd get any.

@bigchris the pregnancy put the wedding on the back burner as I didn't want a big bump or a tiny baby. We planned to wait until DC was over 6mo so it wasn't going to be all about looking after a newborn and we could enjoy the day a bit more.
But in between that certain things went wrong which made a lot of our plans crumble due to not being able to afford it even though we were well on the way at the point of engagement.

I feel crappy that he seems to have taken it so personally even though I told him how happy I am with him and our lovely DCs and that he's now pointing out things I'm doing wrong.

I want to clear the air but a part of me is making me dig my heels in because it's always me extending the olive branch.
Also I'm finding it all pretty frustrating.

We share completely normal in front of the DCs btw just clearly avoiding being in the same room as each other/busying ourselves with other things which to be honest they're a little too young to pick up on.

Do you think an ultimatum would help? We marry this year or we split up, because we’re going nowhere.

I’m sorry you feel so overwhelmed but just because things haven’t gone to plan, that doesn’t mean you have to just go with the flow. Take back control of your life.

Find someone you’d trust to look after your children should anything happen to you, (it’s highly unlikely you’ll need this, but it might settle your mind) make plans for your future, arrange who would look after your children, tell your other half you want to marry for security for you and your children.
Remind him that childcare and housework is a shared chore.

I’m sorry but sometimes relationships just come to an end. You don’t have to put up with being second best or feeling like a burden.

for you x be strong. You’ve got this.

You’ve hurt his feelings even though you didn’t intend to. He’s now behaving as the wounded party. Wait until you have a quiet time together and tell him you are sorry if you upset him and it was absolutely not your intention. He’s being unfair by punishing you with his criticism.

Suggest you put it behind you and both tackle the house.

Your loss is a reminder that life is too short for these disagreements to fester.

Would you be happy to have a very small wedding in order to be married? Weddings are expensive parties. Marriages are life commitments. Two different things.

@PeterPanGoesWrong the housework should be mine as I am very p/t and look after dc2 when I'm off/ they're not at nursery and he works pretty long hours.
Realistically I should be getting on with the house a lot better but I keep getting in a funk which sounds pathetic. Like this week I kept turning to my phone for distraction and whenever I'd put it away come back to reality and start getting on with things all of a sudden I'd feel a wave of sadness and feel teary and/or cry.

I don't worry about the security aspect but we both wanted and still want to get married but I think it's a case of since having DCs spending lots of money on one day seems pointless in perspective and also our priorities are upsize / save for DCs.
I'm also feeling less and less excited about the idea as the DCs get older since we've been together for so long now I feel like it doesn't really matter.
I was just upset as in my head I always promised myself I wouldn't follow in the footsteps of my parents/DGPs and their shotgun wedding and do things properly. At least they're married as opposed to me.

But I'm aware it all sounds pathetic and stupid to wallow about and the longer this goes on the more I feel like it's just better for me to keep things in and get over it myself.

I think I'm digging my heels in because on Friday night I got really upset at something we watched on the news - probably in part to being a bit sensitive at the moment anyway - and he kind of just switched it off, mooched about in the kitchen for a few mins and took himself off to bed whilst I just sat on the sofa and cried.
I would never leave him like that.

And it makes me feel really angry and upset thinking about it and in my head I'm thinking - why should I be making the first steps when he's happy to leave me like that.

You can get married without spending more than £200. It's not marriage you are sad about. It's the party.

You might want to visit your GP.

How they provide for those they care about is often an important part of how many men see themselves. You've attacked that part of him, even if you didn't mean to. You are obviously unhappy because your expectations of your perfect life are getting in the way of you appreciating and living the life you have. You need to stop moping about, have a decent conversation with your partner and start taking action together to improve things.

To add: you have effectively dumped all your dissatisfaction on him in one big lump and are now expecting him to take the first step to healing things between you.

I'd recommend swallowing your pride and taking that first step yourself.

I think he's behaving like a bloody child - I hate sulkers! He asked you what was wrong and is now stroppy because you told him. Are you not supposed to be able to share the lows as well as the highs?
Are you sure you even want to marry him?

I think you've probably said some things that he too has been upset about but not admitted out loud. Even if he knows deep down that you weren't blaming him, it won't stop him blaming himself if those thoughts were already with him.

My DH is very much the same, when we were in a box of a one bedroom flat with twin DC's fresh out of NICU, the heating was terrible so we were having to spend a fortune on running electric heaters just to keep the place sufficiently warm for the twins, he hit a wall within himself, he was the working parent, I was and still am a SAHM. So our only option was to approach our council for housing and it took a long time to get a house (we know we are very lucky that it didn't take longer though!) and during the thick of it I had a meltdown, I came from a position of feeling like crap that I couldn't contribute financially to get out of that place, that I'd lost my job when pregnant and felt an absolute failure as a mum.

He took it from a position of not being able to earn more no matter how hard he tried, that he couldn't be the Father he had always envisioned that he couldn't take those worries away and sort things for the family he was so happy to have.

We had a similar argument when I brought it up, I hadn't considered that what was bothering me was already playing on his mind, I didn't realise he would take it as an indictment on his ability to provide (if that makes sense?) when I did, I took the first step in apologising for it coming across that way and we discussed it in a much more open and honest discussion about it than we probably could have before.

I do think as far as being married you have to consider why it is you didn't want to follow your Parent's/Grandparent's and ask yourself, why this affects you so?

I was born to unmarried parents and then subsequently dropped on my GP's who had been 'shotgun' married. I always wanted to be married before having children of my own, but it didn't work out that way. I wanted this as a younger person because I thought it would give my future DC the stability that I never felt growing up... now I realise that regardless of being married or not, my DH and I have made substantial commitments to one another (living together, having children, sorting through our individual debts as a team etc.) that confirms our solid foundation (with plenty of blips along the way). We're currently saving for a basic registry office wedding but it's not our priority.

I hope you and your DP can sit down and get this out properly between yourselves OP.

I don't think you're in the wrong for how you feel but it sounds like your dp took it as an attack on him. I think you and him need to have another chat, you can't go on like this.

I'd encourage you to get married. As you've learned with the unexpected pregnancy, life doesn't always go to plan. The protections a marriage can offer are important. It does not need to cost a lot of money and it sounds as though it would be better to keep money for saving towards a bigger house.

Sorry about the multiple grammatical fails - the twins are not sleeping atm and I have little brain power

Do you want a marriage or a wedding?
They aren’t the same thing.

You sound really down and he isn’t helping. It sounds a bit like the competitive tiredness trap. You both feel a bit rubbish, nothing is on track and you both want to blame someone.

Perhaps you both need to sit down and sort out an action plan for what really matters to you both.

Additionally, if your mood is low regularly then please see your GP

Do you want a marriage or a wedding?

I think we've got weddings all wrong. Didn't want t bump, couldn't afford it? All wrapped up in some romantic idea about weddings. Nothing to do with marriage.

If you want to marry him, do. Have the party when you can.

And he's upset because what he heard was, "our life makes me unhappy' and he's reacting. Poorly.

He sounds crap at emotional support and I strongly recommend marriage counselling to deal with it. The pattern of behave between you is unhealthy and it needs resolving.

You have clearly been through some upsetting times and he isn't supporting you which is not on.

You're not wrong to feel how you feel(I get it and I've been there myself at times) ,but I think the way you expressed it came out very wrong and possibly hurtful. Depending on your finances the responsibility of fixing all these might be down to him too and he can't afford it. What you said it basically comes down to "this is not what i wanted" and you life from the house you live in to the relationship you have is just not good enough. It doesn't matter how many times you tell him he makes you happy, and hen your life with him was the reason you gave for being miserable.