To sleep in the kids room

[disneybee]

We have a 2yo and a 4yo. 4yo sleeps well through the night although does like snuggles esp if having bad dreams.

2yo goes to sleep well, but rarely lasts all night. Usually up at least once between midnight and 4am. Can be settled quickly with a shh or a cuddle, otherwise starts howling and wants milk / wants to get up and play with toys / generally becomes a pain in the arse.

We have a 2-bedroom flat but it's a weird layout, with the bedrooms at opposite ends and the kitchen, utility room, back door and then a long hall between them. I don't like to sleep so far from the kids, even though the baby monitor is on, for three reasons:

1. Ridiculous over-anxiety about being physically far away from them in the event of a house fire or burglary

1. The absolute hassle of having to get up and trudge through to settle them when one of them wakes up instead of just quickly shushing them if I'm already in the room

1. My husband falls asleep really quickly and doesn't like cuddles and makes stupid noises when he breathes, also he has to get up really early for work most days, so we generally sleep better if we are in different rooms!

So for all these reasons, I bought a small double bed for my 4yo when it was time to upgrade from her toddler bed. I sleep in there next to her. Sometimes my husband takes a turn sleeping there, to give me a night off and a full night's sleep in our own bedroom.

I would say this situation is working well, although my husband isn't keen because he thinks it's weird and he just wants to be 'normal' (whatever that is!)

I should add, I don't think this affects our sex life negatively - I think stress, lack of sleep and exercise take their toll on our sex lives more than sleeping in separate beds! If anything, this arrangement makes us make more of an effort and plan a date night now and then.

I don't want to hear a lot of rude and abusive messages on here, as I don't really want to change the situation right now. I love every moment of sleeping in the same room as my kids, hearing their little breathing noises and giving them a little shush or a cuddle when they are having a bad dream. They are only little once, and I don't want to look back and regret cuddling them every chance I had :) I also want to point out our kids seem pretty confident and well adjusted, they don't get upset if I am away for a weekend, and don't get upset staying overnight at their grandparents house. So I don't think this arrangement is negatively affecting them.

I am just really interested in finding out if many other Mums think this is unreasonable or not. Or should I be more 'normal' and sleep in my own bedroom with my husband?!!

I don’t think it’s ‘normal’ to sleep with kids instead of your DH, but I understand The layout of your flat would make makes things more difficult than ‘normal’.

I mean, if it works for you and your relationship with your husband doesn’t suffer for it then fine. Do what you like. Personally I wouldn’t.

I think whatever works for you as a family is more than ok. It won't last forever, they won't be small forever.

If you're all happy with it, it's fine. If you and your DH find time for each other easier with it this way then it's a win win all round really x

I think if it works then fine but I guess I’d be worried about the 4 year old then becoming reliant on you being there

Whatever works. Who cares about being normal. If u are all happy and getting sleep that's all that matters.

If it works for you family then you don’t need to justify it. That said, it wouldn’t work for me. We lived in a flat that sounds very similar to your when DD was between 9 months and 2 years old and she slept slept in her room on her own with a monitor whilst I slept with DH. I wouldn’t have even considered sleeping in her room tbh.

When children are that age you just do what you need to to get some sleep!

I get it but if your DH isn’t happy then you would be U to insist on it without considering all other options. I would sit down with him and consider other solutions, These may include:

• him doing more night wakings, including taking 2yo into another room if being noisy
• him sorting his breathing noises (eg learn to sleep on side)
• having 2yo in with you both

I feel a bit sorry for DH. It's not all about sex but just the intimacy. But then if he's gone as soon as his head hits the pillow and he doesn't like cuddles anyway 🤷‍♀️

I'm not well placed to give advice. DP & I currently have a 2 year old in our bed I don't see going anywhere anytime soon, and another one on the way. Think we might need a bigger bed (or I might slink off to the nursery).

Whatever works out best for you and your family if it means everyone is getting some quality of sleep then i dont see what the problem is. My nan and grandad slept in seperate rooms all their life.

I sleep in our children's bedroom. My DH and I are very different sleepers. He goes to bed late, falls asleep quickly and sleeps in a very deep sleep all night but cannot cope at all if he is woken during the night- he cannot do anything in the middle of the night as it takes him at least half an hour to wake, then he is grumpy for 3 days afterwards. He also snores. I go to bed early and take hours to fall asleep, wake multiple times during the night without it affecting me much, cannot fall asleep to any noise or light. We slept in the same bed for about a year after we were married but it just didnt work and we are so much happier physically sleeping apart.
Interestingly our 2 sons are polar opposites when it comes to how they sleep, first DS is exactly like me and second DS is like his dad (without the terrible snoring).

I also like to be close to my boys during the night, have caught many a fever/nosebleed/vomit which he didnt wake up through.

If it works for you it works for you. Why seek validation here ?

We did this, meant I and my bad-sleeper ds got more sleep too.

@Strongmummy interesting you are asking why I am seeking validation... Not sure but maybe its because the main reason my husband doesn't like the arrangement is because he thinks we should be 'normal'! But he admits he quite likes getting the main bed to himself if he's honest 😂

So it's a relief to hear other mums say that if it works, it works. I just wondered whether I was being unreasonable by insisting to my husband that our current situation is OK, and 'normal' doesn't really exist anyway!

During these early years, whatever makes your life easier is the right road.

We did similar though not every night...our DC are 15 and 12 now...no harm has come to any of us! They both sleep in their own rooms with no bother...though our youngest was a bit of a pain for longer than our oldest.

She'd still get in our bed in the middle of the night up to about 9. Now she's 12...no way would she do that!

Though when DH works away she does! Nothing wrong with it. Makes her happy and I don't care.

Tell him there's no 'normal' when it comes to family life. Tell him on MN loads of people do/did similar.

Reassure him it doesn't last.

I would probably do that in your situation too. We don't have the layout issue that you do and my husband does like cuddles but we have similar aged children. The little one almost always sleeps in our room as he needs a settle now and then and sometimes we have both children sleep in our room in his bed, e.g. during the last few weekends' stormy weather, in case the older one is also disturbed overnight. I know some would think they are far too old for sleeping in with their parents but I really like having all of us in together and so does DH. I'm also fortunate in having quite a few south Asian friends who have similar family sleeping arrangements and see this as a normal thing to do, so we also don't have the situation of being different to everyone we know.

The boys love snuggling up together too and often sleep better when the older one shares with the younger than when they sleep in their separate beds. I'm sure that there will come a time when they want their own space but for now, sharing a room is fine for all of us.

YANBU

The layout of the flat would be an issue for me. The kitchen being the most common place for a house fire to start I wouldn't want that between us. Do you have a proper fire door on the kitchen, and always close it at night?

We have a similar layout in our flat now, though my DC are a lot older, I still worry though as my teen would sleep through anything.

When I had DS (now 5) I was insistent that he would sleep in his own room and would never come into our bed, kids need to learn to self-settle etc

I now have DS5 and DD nearly 2.

Last night we went out and DS claimed into our bed about 3am

The night before before DD settled quickly in her cot but then woke at 11 and would t go back to sleep so she slept In our bed with me and DH slept in the spare bed in Her room

The previous 2 nights both kids settled quickly in their respective beds and slept through til 7am

The night before that DH was away for work, DS slept in our bed and DD slept 7-7 in her cot

You get the picture... I just do whatever it takes to sleep, we both work and I have realised I don’t GAF how it happens, I just need as much sleep as possible each night

So no YANBU

@disneybee yes, that makes more sense. I think we all need to learn to trust our own judgements more and sod everyone else. You should just do what’s right for you

It's totally normal and healthy to share a room is a need with your young children. It's also totally normal to not want to share a bed with someone that disturbs your sleep.

It's funny isn't it how us as adults share a bed with another adult, and often find it hard to settle for the night when the other adult is going to bed late or out. Yet we expect children to sleep on their own from day one and be able to self-settle.

I would do the same in your situation. Sounds like you have a sensible and flexible approach. It doesn’t have to last forever. I too couldn’t sleep well if I was far away from my kids at night.

In your situation, I would do exactly the same OP. You will only have a few years of being able to do this with you children - you have the rest of your life to share a bed with you husband.

I haven't read all of the other comments but I sleep in a double with my two kids while my husband sleeps in another room. It works for us and I am happy to be considered 'not normal'. At least I'm well slept.