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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex picking DD up off the back of a bender

30 replies

Bowzer · 29/02/2020 14:27

After being asked, he admitted that he was drinking/taking coke until 7am Sunday and was here to collect DD at 10am.

It’s absolutely none of my business what he does outside of DD but I am really angry at him for driving with her (30/40 minute journey) in a state. He has admitted that this wasn’t the first time and he sees no wrong in it as it’s during his ‘free time’ and not when he is actually with DD.

I would like to tell him he can’t see DD unsupervised but I know he wouldn’t see her at all and I also know there is no way he could afford to take me to court if I stopped access altogether so DD would suffer.

Would I be unreasonable to ask him to take home alcohol/drug tests in front of me before he collects her in the future? He is usually a good dad and it’s easy to see how much DD thinks of him so I really want him to keep seeing her but I need to ensure she is not being out at risk.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bowzer · 29/02/2020 14:28

*put

OP posts:
pickingdaisies · 29/02/2020 14:31

So he's driving under the influence with your dd in the car, I wouldn't let my kids go in anyone's car if they weren't sober and fit to drive. It's absolutely your business to protect her.

mencken · 29/02/2020 14:32

it is better that she doesn't see him than that she dies in a car crash, and it looks like there's quite a chance of the latter. Even if it was just alcohol he'll be unfit to drive.

ask him to choose the drugs/booze or keeping his kid safe - but be prepared for the answer.

BTW like all druggies his use supports drug crime, (gang violence, knife crime, cuckooing of the vulnerable, county lines which affects childreb) so he is scum, not a good dad.

GinDrinker00 · 29/02/2020 14:35

YANBU. The cocaine would still be having an effect 3 hours after he’s taken it, he shouldn’t even be driving let alone taking care of your DD.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 29/02/2020 14:35

You are massively underreacting to this, he could kill your dd. Honestly if i even suspected he was under the influence driving i would tell him to sod off and call the police if he chose to drive home.

pilates · 29/02/2020 14:39

YANBU. Please stop him taking your daughter out. This could all end horribly.

PleaseGiveMeAShake · 29/02/2020 14:42

I would not have let her leave in the car with him if he was still taking drugs the night before never mind 7amConfused
I know you say if you only offer supervised contact then he won't bother to see her.
But how would you feel if God forbid he is in an accident an kills her. I think her safty must come before her emotional need of having a dad.

newmumwithquestions · 29/02/2020 14:49

I’m not particularly anti drugs but even I think this is bad. If he wants to take drugs in his free time fine, but he should be clear of them before driving. If he’s driving illegally (which he would be as he must have still been under the influence) then he shouldn’t be driving her.

Original poster
Bowzer · 29/02/2020 14:50

Thanks for the replies. I'm well aware of the risks to DD and everyone else on the road and I am absolutely mortified by his poor judgement. So much so, I asked my mum to babysit whilst I had it out with him because I knew it wasn't going to pleasant.

My AIBU is regarding the drug/alcohol tests. From what I've been reading these are sure ways to make sure he is fit to collect and take care of DD before he leaves with her. If they show as positive he wouldn't leave with her and I would call the police immediately.

I just want to be sure there's no other way before I risk him not seeing her at all.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/02/2020 14:53

On the M6 yesterday an 8 year old died in a car crash and his Dad has been arrested for driving under the influence of drugs SadAngry

You could stop him having DD altogether as you can't trust him to be a responsible adult.

Starlight456 · 29/02/2020 15:00

How old is your Dd?

Why did you let her go this morning?

RandomMess · 29/02/2020 15:00

Apologies it was the M60, send him a copy of the article.

Saturdaysnotforexercise · 29/02/2020 15:01

There isn’t a chance in hell someone drunk / high (as he certainly would be in the circumstances you describe) would be allowed to drive my DD. It would be over my dead body - quite literally as there is a very high risk it would otherwise be their dead body. There would also be no argument or discussion. The door would be shut in the drunken twat’s face. Nor would I trust him again.

It’s your daughter’s life vs the lazy entitled irresponsible arse’s feelings. Your choice.

MadeForThis · 29/02/2020 15:04

You don't need to drug test him. Just stop access immediately. Your dd isn't safe.

If he thinks it's ok to drink AND take drugs until 7am and then drive a couple of hours later then you can't trust his judgement.

Not only the driving, he is heavily intoxicated and tired while supervising your dd.

She is not safe. Stop access.

mummymeister · 29/02/2020 15:06

so, this is a man you dont love any more and you arent in a relationship with yet still he is controlling you and controlling the agenda around your child. why should it be up to you to purchase testing kits? why shouldnt he be the one to have to prove that he is in a fit state to take your DD. why is he telling you about his addictions? because he is still expecting you to sort things out for him. and as long as you sort his shit out, he will keep heaping it on you. I guarantee you that if you buy a kit, test him and he fails, he will come up with some bullshit excuse about only having been around drugs not taken them, false positives etc and you will give in and let him take her because he still controls you and you will give him the benefit of the doubt.

SHE is your priority - first and last. if he was the school bus driver would you let her get on the bus?

so why accept this appalling behaviour from someone who is supposed to love and care for your child.

Welshmaenad · 29/02/2020 15:08

He is not a good dad. Good dads don't pit their children at risk by diving them around Unser the influence of drink and drugs. A hood dad wouldn't be on a bender until 3 hours before picking up his child.

Stop access. You know you have to.

Thedeadwood · 29/02/2020 15:10

Just stop access ffs. He’s proved he can’t be trusted with drink, drugs and the supervision of your child.

MeridianB · 29/02/2020 15:11

The thing is, regardless of you testing, he just shouldn’t be in that position (of not being sober enough to drive and care for DD when he is supposed to). The fact that he thinks this is OK and that he wouldn’t bother trying to see her if you challenged him, says everything you need to know about his priorities and pretentions to fatherhood.

It sounds like you DD would be better off without him.

userlotsanumbers · 29/02/2020 15:14

Not only the ten year old killed, but the two other children seriously injured too - drug driving in poor weather. The driver, presumably the father, is OK, I bet the poor mother of those children is grateful for that. Not.
Drugs test him if you have to, but no way should he be on the road at all, let alone with your child in the car. YANBU

www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/boy-10-dies-after-serious-17835660

NerrSnerr · 29/02/2020 15:16

I am flabbergasted that you let him drive your daughter 30-40 minutes when you know he'd been drinking and taking drugs hours earlier. What you should have done is sent him on his way and called 999 straight away with his registration plate and where you think he's going!

I can't think of any reason why I would let anyone drive my children when under the influence.

AngelicInnocent · 29/02/2020 15:19

If you test him before he takes her, what stops him taking drugs or drinking after DD is with him and then driving her somewhere else?

CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 29/02/2020 15:37

Why did you let her go with him in the car. I used to take cocaine, and would not drive for at least 24 hours afterwards. 3 hours... he'll still be feeling spandangled, if not properly high then definitely a bit out of it and if he hasn't slept, add that into the mix too. Defo not fit to drive.

Original poster
Bowzer · 29/02/2020 15:47

Just to clarify, I have not said I let him take her this morning. It was last Sunday he collected her and I wasn't aware of the issue until today. I asked him to come to mine to discuss it without DD present. I would never let my daughter go with anyone I suspected of being drunk or high. He gave me no reason to believe he had been partying until a few hours before picking her up. He did not smell of alcohol and I didn't notice any signs of him being high but thanks for the replies.

I can see even suggesting the tests is ridiculous now, I'll be offering him supervised access and if it isn't good enough, he will not see her.

Thank you @mummymeister your reply is exactly what I needed to hear.

OP posts:
BobbyBlueCat · 29/02/2020 15:53

You are completely unreasonable to not have phoned /emailed the Police with his name, address, D.O.B and vehicle registration to tell them that he drives drunk and under the influence of drugs.

If his car is PNC'd whilst out and about, they'll pull him over and test him.

Why should other people be put at risk because he's a drugged up pisshead?

My child wouldn't be going anywhere near a vehicle he was driving. Ever.

And my child would not be having contact with a parent who takes drugs, despite how much people on Mumsnet seem to think a class A drug isn't a problem and "everybody does it".

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