Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Towards my Mum's reaction

49 replies

3ismylot · 29/02/2020 12:21

Hi, sorry if this gets long.

When I was conceived my parents were a couple of irresponsible 16-year-olds. When my Mum found out she was pregnant she hid the pregnancy from everyone including my Dad, to stop her own father from making her have an abortion. They split up with my Dad never knowing about me. After I was born my Mum was forced to give me up for adoption.
I am now nearly 40 and 13 years ago I tracked down my Mum, things haven't always been easy and our relationship has been a bit on/off, with her excluding me from the family on a couple of occasions for pretty flimsy reasons. A few years back she blanked me for 18 months because I apparently wasn't contacting her enough (even though she wasn't initiating any contact at that point).
My half-brother fell ill and I came into contact with her again while supporting him and we rubbed along for a few weeks and then she decided to forgive me again. Unfortunately, my Brother passed away but just before he did he made a confession regarding who he thought my Dad was, this meant for the first time in my life I learnt my Dad's name (She offered me the information when I first contacted her but I was too overwhelmed to want to know and the subject never arose again).
Back in November (over a year later) I raised the subject of my Dad again and asked for more details so I could try and trace him, she gave me the info but clearly wasn't happy with me asking. A few weeks later I tracked him down and told her about it and she told me she was hurt with me and I apologised and said I wouldn't mention it again.
A few weeks later, I decided I wanted to contact my Dad and see what happened. It was obviously a big shock to him but he took it amazingly well and we have spoken every day since he got my letter and have met up a couple of times too.

Last week my Mum text me and asked me if I had followed through with contacting my Dad and I was honest that I had, she asked if I was planning to meet him and I told her that I already had and asked if she was angry with me, she ignored the message for the rest of that day and then replied the following morning saying she wasn't angry but hurt. She then went on to say that she wasn't hurt that I had contacted him, but that I had kept it from her and then she started making snippy comments that she thought I could tell her anything and I didn't trust her etc. I explained that none of it was done to hurt her, but when I had first approached her about it she didn't want to know so I didn't want to force the issue.
She then said that I needed to remember that this was bringing up sad memories for her about giving me away and I should be thinking about her feelings. I said that I didn't want to argue about this and she just stopped replying.
This was a few days ago and we haven't spoken since.

AIBU for thinking it isn't my responsibility to take on her feelings? I have always understood why she gave me up and have never blamed her in any way. Yes, I understand that it was hard for her, but it was hard for me too, I have had counselling to deal with my own feelings and she should really do the same instead of laying them on me.
It is also because of her decisions and choices that my Dad had no idea of my existence until just before Christmas, so it isn't really her who should be feeling hurt right now.

She has messed with my head and emotions a lot in the past and I just don't know what is reasonable anymore!

So AIBU to think this is between my Dad and I and nothing to do with her?

OP posts:

Pipandmum · 29/02/2020 12:23

No disagree. I think you should have told her.

saraclara · 29/02/2020 12:27

Sorry, you should have told her. Him knowing about you has implications for her. What if he'd suddenly contacted her and demanded to know why she hasn't told him?
She should at least have been forewarned. You don't know what sort of man he was. Maybe the last thing she'd want is him contacting her - for good reason.

MitziK · 29/02/2020 12:29

In fairness, it is also because of her decisions and choices that you were born in the first place.

Elephantonascooter · 29/02/2020 12:29

I don't really see Where she's coming from to be honest. She gave you up and didn't tell your dad about you. She nerds to deal. With her feelings surrounding that herself. But you have a right to know who your parents are and he has a right to know he is your father (if he wishes to, which he clearly does). It's none of her business and you can't load her feelings about this onto you as well, you have enough to deal with

ErrrNo · 29/02/2020 12:30

You sound very balanced considering everything you have said here and for that I commend you.

Personally, I don't see why you can't have a relationship with your mum and your dad without upsetting the other.

Has your mum given you any solid reason as to why she didn't want you to contact him? Also, have you done a DNA test with your father? Might be worth doing?

Original poster

3ismylot · 29/02/2020 12:30

I did try telling her in the beginning and she got funny with me so I stopped. What is confusing me is that the reason for her 'hurt' keeps changing, so when I first raised it, it was because I wanted to trace him and now its because I didnt tell her after she told me she didnt want to know.

For clarity, he has no intention of contacting her and holds no ill will towards her.

OP posts:

Keepingthingsinteresting · 29/02/2020 12:30

I agree with you, and it sounds like even if you had told her she would have found a reason to complain. Things must be hard for her, but here feelings are her responsibility, especially as you are not trying to hurt her.

AriadnesFilament · 29/02/2020 12:33

I agree with you, especially given her conduct over the years and the fact that she didn’t ask you to keep her up to date with things.

It’s not your job - as the one stuck in the middle of all of this - to take responsibility for everyone else. You only have to be sensitive and act with best intent, which you have done.

Original poster

3ismylot · 29/02/2020 12:33

I think this is my point.
She is getting angry and upset with me for tracing my Dad, yet was glad that I traced her. My Dad has no issues with me having them both in my life so I cant understand why she does?

There is no solid reason for her not wanting me to contact him other than she is 'hurt'.

OP posts:

Original poster

3ismylot · 29/02/2020 12:37

@Keepingthingsinteresting that is exactly how I feel. I told her and it was wrong and when I didnt tell her it was wrong.

I think she forgets that her giving me up had consequences for me too, yet I have had to reassure her many times over the years that I forgive her (which I do)

OP posts:

AriadnesFilament · 29/02/2020 12:38

@OP, I’m trying to say this as sensitively as possible but may fail - but your descriptions of your relationship with your birth mother don’t sound as healthy as they perhaps might be from her side: cutting contact, attempts to make you feel guilty and therefore control what actions you take, controlling access to information for example. Have you discussed that kind of thing with your counsellor?

EcoAGoGo · 29/02/2020 12:38

AIBU for thinking it isn't my responsibility to take on her feelings?

You're right.

It is also because of her decisions and choices that my Dad had no idea of my existence until just before Christmas, so it isn't really her who should be feeling hurt right now.

I agree again. You are old enough to form whatever relationships you want. Don't be guilted.

Original poster

3ismylot · 29/02/2020 12:46

@BiscuitBarrels you are right that the relationship isn't healthy and yes I have discussed it many times during counselling, however, my adoptive Mother was a narc so I have been well conditioned to feel the guilt! I know that in many ways I am better off without her but I just can't quite face the reality of having 2 Mums who don't love me for who I am .

I have always said that I will never exclude her from my life but I am at a point where if she cuts me off again I won't go back if you see what I mean.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/02/2020 12:47

I’m completely with you and greatly admire your maturity, graciousness and good will in a situation where it would be all too easy to feel resentment and bitterness.

You’re all adults now, her feelings may be complicated but they’re her responsibility to manage. If she needs help dealing with them she should seek a professional, as you did.

You don’t owe her anything and she should be proud of you for the well balanced woman you sound.

marmitepasta · 29/02/2020 12:47

This is not your fault and she shouldn't be making you feel bad.
She sounds hard work tbh end that she is making you chase for her affection etc which is really very unfair on you.
I hope that you find a more healthy balanced relationship with your bio dad.

Keha · 29/02/2020 12:52

This sounds like a difficult situation. I think you have acted reasonably, but it is so emotive for everyone involved, I am not surprised your Mum has responded in the way she has. There's a whole range of emotions, memories etc tied up with this for both of you and what is right for you might not be right for her and vice versa. It is not your responsibility to take on her feelings or do what she wants. However, you also have to accept what you do has an impact on her and she might not respond how you like. I hope you can just keep in touch and keep talking it through, try to be honest and open and not hold it against each other if either of you struggle with this for a while. Hopefully in the long run you can get to the point of having the relationship you want with both mum and dad.

Original poster

3ismylot · 29/02/2020 12:52

@ErrrNo he hasn't asked for a DNA test but would be happy to if he wanted. He admits he was with my Mum during the right time and that they weren't careful and has accepted me as his daughter.

OP posts:

Original poster

3ismylot · 29/02/2020 12:55

Thank you @Keha and yes I completely understand that it is emotive for both of us. I always try to take everyone else's feelings into consideration before I do anything in life, it just feels like that consideration is not reciprocated.

OP posts:

cheeseball123 · 29/02/2020 12:56

She sounds manipulative. I understand you wanting to know your parents, but don't let this woman mistreat you.

Branleuse · 29/02/2020 12:57

Your birth mother sounds very damaged and odd. Id question whether youll ever be able to have a healthy relationship with her.
Do you get on with your adoptive parents?

DoolinEnnis · 29/02/2020 12:57

You have every right to know both sides of your family. I can imagine it was devastating for her to give you up but this is your right. Take care of yourself x

slipperywhensparticus · 29/02/2020 12:59

Her reaction is off I would want a DNA test personally

Original poster

3ismylot · 29/02/2020 13:00

@cheeseball123 yes she can be manipulative and I guess that is why I am questioning this behaviour from her.

@Branleuse I have been no contact with my adoptive parents for about 6 years now, I had a very emotionally abusive childhood which has skewed my perspective on what is 'normal'

OP posts:

Newgirls · 29/02/2020 13:04

You haven’t done anything wrong. You have been put in a v difficult situation and are handling it as well as you can. Sorry but your mum sounds like she needs therapy to deal with her feelings about her ex etc and she is dealing with it badly. Which is not your fault.

strawberry2017 · 29/02/2020 13:07

She chose not to tell him, he she have told him there is a a chance a completely different future could have been yours.
Just because her parents didn't support her doesn't mean his wouldn't have. She chose to take the choices from many people at the time of your births I don't think she has the right to be upset now upset you are making your own decisions.
You had 2 birth parents, it just so happens one never knew.
She might not like it but she's going to have to accept it.
She doesn't get to dictate these choices anymore.
You need to do what's right for you.
X

Flip

1 2