Towards my Mum's reaction

[3ismylot]

Hi, sorry if this gets long.

When I was conceived my parents were a couple of irresponsible 16-year-olds. When my Mum found out she was pregnant she hid the pregnancy from everyone including my Dad, to stop her own father from making her have an abortion. They split up with my Dad never knowing about me. After I was born my Mum was forced to give me up for adoption.
I am now nearly 40 and 13 years ago I tracked down my Mum, things haven't always been easy and our relationship has been a bit on/off, with her excluding me from the family on a couple of occasions for pretty flimsy reasons. A few years back she blanked me for 18 months because I apparently wasn't contacting her enough (even though she wasn't initiating any contact at that point).
My half-brother fell ill and I came into contact with her again while supporting him and we rubbed along for a few weeks and then she decided to forgive me again. Unfortunately, my Brother passed away but just before he did he made a confession regarding who he thought my Dad was, this meant for the first time in my life I learnt my Dad's name (She offered me the information when I first contacted her but I was too overwhelmed to want to know and the subject never arose again).
Back in November (over a year later) I raised the subject of my Dad again and asked for more details so I could try and trace him, she gave me the info but clearly wasn't happy with me asking. A few weeks later I tracked him down and told her about it and she told me she was hurt with me and I apologised and said I wouldn't mention it again.
A few weeks later, I decided I wanted to contact my Dad and see what happened. It was obviously a big shock to him but he took it amazingly well and we have spoken every day since he got my letter and have met up a couple of times too.

Last week my Mum text me and asked me if I had followed through with contacting my Dad and I was honest that I had, she asked if I was planning to meet him and I told her that I already had and asked if she was angry with me, she ignored the message for the rest of that day and then replied the following morning saying she wasn't angry but hurt. She then went on to say that she wasn't hurt that I had contacted him, but that I had kept it from her and then she started making snippy comments that she thought I could tell her anything and I didn't trust her etc. I explained that none of it was done to hurt her, but when I had first approached her about it she didn't want to know so I didn't want to force the issue.
She then said that I needed to remember that this was bringing up sad memories for her about giving me away and I should be thinking about her feelings. I said that I didn't want to argue about this and she just stopped replying.
This was a few days ago and we haven't spoken since.

AIBU for thinking it isn't my responsibility to take on her feelings? I have always understood why she gave me up and have never blamed her in any way. Yes, I understand that it was hard for her, but it was hard for me too, I have had counselling to deal with my own feelings and she should really do the same instead of laying them on me.
It is also because of her decisions and choices that my Dad had no idea of my existence until just before Christmas, so it isn't really her who should be feeling hurt right now.

She has messed with my head and emotions a lot in the past and I just don't know what is reasonable anymore!

So AIBU to think this is between my Dad and I and nothing to do with her?

Thank you for all the responses so far I really do appreciate all points of view.

@strawberry2017 that is basically my husband's view on it all, that she made her choices all those years ago and now it's my turn to make mine. I am trying to do that in the most respectful way possible but it's hard.

YANBU - fellow adoptee here. Your birth mother sounds quite manipulative. I’m glad you are in touch with your birth father - it sounds like you are developing a great relationship with him.
I found my birth parents last year and am developing an amazing relationship with my birth father, but things are going more slowly with my birth mother. I think it’s more difficult for birth mother’s though as they have to go through the pregnancy, giving birth and relinquishing the baby.

I’m completely with you and greatly admire your maturity, graciousness and good will in a situation where it would be all too easy to feel resentment and bitterness.

That struck me too. I think it's rather nice that you have found your dad and that it seems to work out. You aren't responsible in any way for your Mum's feelings about this. She chose to bring YOU into the world, not the other way round. My guess is that she's feeling guilty and projecting it onto you.

She doesn’t seem to have any consideration for your feelings in any of this, blanking anyone for 18 months is brutal and especially so given your circumstances. If our dad is welcoming you as a daughter and is keen to build a healthy relationship I think go for it, you deserve the experience of having a true parent. Remember you can’t be responsible for your birth mothers feelings, she sounds difficult to deal with and impossible to predict how she would be with anything. Well done to you too for surviving this rollercoaster of emotions with your adopted mother and birth mother, I would agree with finding a good therapist who gets it, that would help you cement belief in your feelings when your birth mum is weird she is really weird and you are not responsible.

I think LuckyMarmiteLover is probably right, your birth mother has all the feelings, guilt, etc over your birth, the adoption, not telling the father.....
You Father knew nothing nothing at the time, so has little to feel bad or responsible about.

Of course it could just be that your Mother is an awkward cuss for whom you can never do the right thing, and would have been exactly the same if you'd lived with her in happy family bliss throughout your life.
Follow your best judgement, but don't dwell on it too much, and accept that if you do ever to the 'right' thing, she won't tell you!

@LuckyMarmiteLover, yes the relationship with my Dad is definitely feeling a lot more simple. Glad that things are going well for you and that it gets easier with your Mum too

@Jaxhog, thank you, yes I think the guilt is hard for her, I have tried to reassure her that there is no need for it but I can't take it away from her, she is the one that needs to let it go.

@LittleFishSwim yes being blanked like that really hurt because she truly rejected me that time

My Dad has been lovely, he is totally different from her and apologised to me for not knowing about me bless him. He texts me every day and is constantly checking that I am ok with how things are going.

@Fr0g I don't think that it's completely because of the adoption. Her and my Brother had a very complicated relationship and my Sister has been on the receiving end of her 'hurt' before too. However, Mum and I don't have the history of growing up together as they did, so it makes it that bit harder

I agree with you. It’s none of your mom’s business who you have a relationship with including your bio father. If she brings it up again just tell her you don’t want to talk to her about it

Hi OP

Another one here thinking your mother sounds very manipulative and that you literally can't do anything right in her eyes.

She doesn't contact you but cuts you off for not counting her enough.

She is hurt because you want to contact your birth father and doesn't want to hear about it yet is angry at you for contacting him 'behind her back'.

You can't win with someone like that. It sounds like she can't get out of the victim mentality and is also inherently selfish- everything is about her. It doesnt take a whole lot of empathy to understand why you might want to contact your birth father.

I realise what she went through must have been extremely difficult and have lifelong consequences - but the consequences affect everyone involved not just her, so its strange she can't see that other people are affected as well.

You have done nothing wrong and to be honest, it sounds like one day she will tell you you've done something that means she will cut you out again, I think it's a matter of when not if, given her relationships with other people. So a good relationship with your dad might be the best thing to come out of all of this

You poor thing this sounds so complicated - what you are doing seems very reasonable and I’m sorry you haven’t had more kind, supportive parenting in your life

I think the situation with her own father around your birth and the fact that she had to give up a much wanted child has had a huge affect on her.
I am presuming she didn’t go for counselling before or after the decision was made to take you from her
The reasons she gives of why she feels so hurt about you contacting your father I think is a smoke screen for something much bigger. A more painful memory that is hidden deep down that she can’t allow to be brought to the surface.

I think your mother is a very damaged person who was brought up in a very damaged household and until she gets help to process what she has been through I think she will continue with this loving then driving you away behaviour.

@OoohTheStatsDontLie yes I agree it is definitely a case of when and not if she cuts me off again, I think that's why I am feeling so defensive right now.

@Comtesse, thank you, yes as a parent myself I have only had the what not to do example but on the plus side it has made me very open with my children

@Oliversmumsarmy Yes, I agree that she is damaged and I think that is why I have always had empathy for her, I also blame myself for the way she has been with my Brother and Sister, because I think having me damaged her for them too

Your mother sounds very manipulative, and rather childish. Whatever her reasons were for giving you up she can't dictate to you who you have contact with and it sounds as if you have been more than fair to her to me. I think you should absolutely continue the relationship with your father, make it plain to your mother that you are seeing your father and let her choose whether she accepts it or not but make it plain that you won't tolerate any guilt trips from her over it.

3ismylot I understand why you make think you're to blame for the way your mother treated your half siblings. That's just the way narc parents condition us to take responsibility for their poor behaviour.

If someone tries to force me to choose between them and someone else, unless it relates to someone abusive, I wouldn't choose the person who makes the ultimatum. She has to resolve her own feelings about the adoption. You can't do it for her. She has to start to take responsibility for her own actions and feelings.

wow heavy situation and credit to you OP for being balanced and mature at all stages.. I disagree with prioritising you birth Mothers emotions over everyone else's.. because ultimately that is what she is trying to do.. I agree with the poster that said she was being very manipulative... good luck to you and your Dad. 🌺

I’m adopted and in my opinion it’s nothing to do with your Mum, it’s between you and your Dad.

That could just be me being bitter though because my bio Mum is a spineless coward but that’s a whole other thread!

Could it be in some roundabout way that her father wielded all the power and she wasn’t given the chance to choose and now in some way she is trying to wield the power and expecting you to follow and unlike in her situation you are not falling in line like she did and this is where the conflict lies

1980 was a very different time to 1940 or 1950 or 1960s

There was help available if she chose to keep her baby.
Flats and income support were available

Or maybe deep down she regrets not standing up to her father and keeping you and it is this shame that is fuelling her reactions.

Thank you everyone, it really helps to know I am not being completely unreasonable in this.

@Oliversmumsarmy this is exactly why I have never blamed her, things were very different back then and I totally understood that she didn't really have any choice. I also know from her and my adoptive parents that she nearly didn't sign the papers on the day and only arrived at court at the last minute.

I just wish she could accept that my relationship with her isn't affected by my relationships with anyone else

You've done nothing wrong but I do feel sorry for your birth mum. She must have had a hell of a time and anyone who thinks she could have just decided to keep you with no family support has a very different memory of 1980s Britain than I do.

I wonder if she doesn't resent your dad? They had sex and then he got to go off and live his life, and she was left with the pregnancy and the aftermath alone.

The relationship is bound to be easier with your Dad. No guilt, no decades wondering where you were, how you were, no thinking about you on your birthday.

3ismylot I was actually trying to point out that help was there if she had chosen to go it alone.

This is what happened to one of my friends who was kicked out of the family home with nothing when she refused to have an abortion.
After the initial shock she went down to the local benefits office and (can’t remember the time scale) but she ended up with a tiny flat in a quite bad area and was able to claim benefits.

Lost touch with her over the years but she did have another child and was moved to a bigger flat in a different location.

Your mother sounds very controlling. What gives her the right to decide who can have relationships with who?
She should be grateful that you allow her into your life after giving you up.
Any contact you have with your father is your business not hers. Don't let her ruin this for you.

You have two mothers who are incapable of healthy relationships. That is not your fault! We don't choose our parents.

It is your fault if you stay in contact with people who are mean to you though. If you want to be mentally healthy you need to accept they are loons and step away.

You've got a nice dad. Put effort there.

Hi OP. You sound lovely, reasonable and considerate. I would focus on nurturing the relationship with your father and accepting you probably can’t change your mother, and might be better without her in your life if you get nothing but grief back.