Ex husbands attitude towards daughter

[simonneilsbeautifulhair]

DD started having problems with tightness in her chest last year, usually brought on by outdoor physical activity. She's extremely fit and healthy, dances for 4 hours a week, plus PE at school 3 hours a week, daily long dog walks, trampolining, horse riding etc.

Went to the drs and they said it sounded like typical asthma pattern, gave her a blue inhaler to try and booked some tests. Inhaler seemed to relieve symptoms. Tests fell on a day she was with her dad so he took her. They came back within normal ranges.

Recently symptoms worsened, and were particularly bad one night when she returned from her dads, she smelt very strongly of stale cigarettes and I turns out his girlfriend smoked in their flat when dd is there. I went back to the drs and he prescribed a new blue inhaler and a brown preventative inhaler and said that it could be that the asthma is coming on during colder weather (tests were in summer). Dr obviously had access to all medical records so knows tests results were previously normal. He asked us to try the preventative inhaler for a month then go back.

When I explained to her dad about the new inhaler he rolled his eyes, I was hoping he'd take the hint that she was particularly bad after coming back from his as related to the smoking in the flat as dd really gets upset when I said I needed to say it's not ok to him. Apparently he told dd that evening that he didn't know why she had it as she doesn't have asthma. He seems to think the dr would just prescribe a steroid inhaler for shits and giggles! Funnily enough I know realise asthma symptoms coincided with him moving in with the smoker girlfriend (which I did mention to the dr!)

Eurgh typos

He’s a prick

He’s a prick and the girlfriend is a prick. Is there anyone sensible whose opinion he respects? Could you get him to a GP appointment?

What a twat, of course he knows better than someone with years of medical training.
My ex also refused to believe that his smoking was causing dd’s asthma.
Funny how within 3 months of her refusing contact she was discharged from asthma clinic and is still symptom free 4 years on!

Ask gp to wrote a letter saying smoking of others will exacerbate the symptoms
Don t hint.
Tell him.

Oh I'm well aware he's a prick without this incident I've asked DD if I can ask his mum to have a word with him about it once she's back from her holiday but she doesn't even want me to do that as she knows he will be a prick to me and probably her as well about it (think I probably still will though as DD's health is far to precious for me to care if he's a prick to me, just worried about how he treats her as he seems to only cares about her when it suits him and has quite a temper)

Does dd stay there overnight? Maybe she should stop. He doesn't sound like very good company anyway if he shouts at her a lot.

How old is your daughter? If it were my child that had developed a serious medical condition caused by her fathers girlfriends smoking then my child would not be going round there anymore. You definitely need to stop pussyfooting round your ex. If your dd has a phone then I’d tell her to phone you the second someone starts smoking in the house so you can pick her up. If he complains then I’d be telling him he wouldn’t be having your daughter again unless he attends a doctors appointment with you, and the doctor can explain just how serious this is

How old is your dd?

She does stay there overnight. On a blow up bed in the living room as he hasn't even got a bedroom for her or space for her to have a chest of drawers or wardrobe for clothes, toiletries etc. (Whole other story and not ideal for a young girl who has started puberty, periods etc) Honestly if I had my way she wouldn't see him overnight but she still wants to go at the moment so I support her to do that as I don't want her to ever feel I alienated her from her father.

She's 11

Nearly 12

I had terrible bronchitis as a toddler and other breathing problems caused by my father smoking. As soon as it was pointed out to him that he was making me ill he gave up and hasn't smoked since. I've never had any problems since and this was in the early 70's.
Seriously, I would stop the overnights at a minimum.

You are the adult so you don't need your DD's permission to do whatever you feel you need to to sort this out. I'm asthmatic. If I was stuck in a room with someone smoking I would probably get really bad, bad enough to need to go to hospital to use a nebuliser. You've got a difficult road to navigate, but you need to find a way because she shouldn't spend another minute in that environment. Apart from anything else, if she had an attack, would he take her to A+E? That's what would need to happen.

Stop asking DD. She will feel bad and conflicted and not want to be a burden on anyone.

Take more control, insist she does not spend overnight there. Get a letter from the doctor and also tell the GP that it seems to be worse after she is there.

Then your Ex can contact you and argue his case. If it went to court I’m sure they would not be happy about gf smoking.

You allow your daughter who has possible asthma to sleep in a room overnight where someone smokes in the house ffs!!!!

I have severe asthma in the winter often triggered by the cold virus, have been hospitalised twice. In the summer I am often symptom free and can come off all my inhalers. Your ex is an arse and you need to protect your daughter.

Tell the doctor what is going on, ask him to speak to your husband. Tell your daughter she can see her Dad but can’t sleep their until he has somewhere suitable and it’s smoke free.

On another issue, what time does your daughter get to bed if she sleeps in the living room. Does your ex and girlfriend go to be at 9pm so your daughter can??

Steroids have side-effects. It's best that environmental factors are managed so that she needs as few of the inhalers as infrequently as possible. Oh, and he's a prick.

Take more control, insist she does not spend overnight there. Get a letter from the doctor and also tell the GP that it seems to be worse after she is there.

Then your Ex can contact you and argue his case. If it went to court I’m sure they would not be happy about gf smoking.

Her health is far more important than his rights of contact. If he really gave a damn about her he wouldn't smoke (or allow his GF to smoke) anywhere near her.

I'm not asking her, she asked me not to speak to him about it when I said that the girlfriend shouldn't be smoking around her. The only question I asked was if I could get her grandma to mention it instead when she asked me not to talk to him about it.

I would 100% love to stop the overnights but she wants to go and gets upset when they don't happen because he changes his plans and lets her down. She's at a difficult age with starting secondary school and hormones and feels somewhat abandoned by him but is also trying to cling on to their relationship. I have spoken to her about the unhealthy pattern this is creating and am just trying my best to support her through this difficult time. He moved quite far away so if he didn't have her overnight she wouldn't see him and this is not what she wants currently. Whilst I absolutely understand why many posters are saying stop the overnights and I think he's an absolute prick, I think given that she still wants to see him at the moment I wouldn't have a leg to stand on in court if I stopped access and it would damage the relationship between me and her.

I will be speaking to him about the smoking though and about not being so dismissive of our daughter's health. I will invite him to attend the follow up with the dr so he can have it spelt out to him by a medical professional.

I can see the access fading out as she becomes more of a teenager though as she is already beginning to see his poor behaviour and attitude for herself and doesn't suffer fools gladly.

This guy sounds like a complete arse.

Tell ex in no uncertain terms that DD cannot be around cigarette smoke. What kind of minger smokes in the house these days anyway??

Yes, Op. you need to make sure he còmes to the follow up appointment and make sure you ask the question to the HCP you see about the effects of being around smokers. He's a pillock!

Baboomtsk I couldn't agree more, haven't even mentioned the half of it! Paying what he feels like in maintenance or not at all, which he can get away with as self employed and fiddles his books.

I have a DS on purple inhalers, and 2 different pills daily for asthma. Smoking will make wheezing and asthma much worse. Sleeping in a room where a smoke had had cigarettes is probably the worst thing for asthma. I can’t believe he’d be so stupid to put her health at risk like this. If I was you I’d stop her from going again as I’d belive it was so harmful for her lungs.

I understand that you don’t want to upset your DD or your Ex, however I do think it would help massively if you took charge here and said overnights are not advisable and be non negotiable on this. Say clearly, with a letter from her GP, that being around people smoking in the house is detrimental to her health. That you are not stopping DD from seeing him however you will feel that you are neglecting your duty of care towards your DD by sending her to a house with smoking in where she comes back worse.

It is up to your Ex to make sure his contact with his DD is not detrimental to her health. It is up to him to ensure that this happens and if it went to court, which it probably wouldn’t, then you could show them that you did not refuse contact but that you were acting in your duty of care. Your Ex would be directly asked why he was not putting his DDs Health first. No way I imagine would he get this far.

So to be clear, you do have a duty towards your DD. Her health is not something she can be fully responsible for.

I wouldn’t involve her and make a drama out of it by saying that she can’t go to her Dads. But I would be contacting the Ex with a copy of the GPs letter saying you feel you would be neglecting your duty of care to send her. However if it is clear that smoking will take place out of the house or in the bedroom for example, then that would be okay.