Ex husbands attitude towards daughter

[simonneilsbeautifulhair]

DD started having problems with tightness in her chest last year, usually brought on by outdoor physical activity. She's extremely fit and healthy, dances for 4 hours a week, plus PE at school 3 hours a week, daily long dog walks, trampolining, horse riding etc.

Went to the drs and they said it sounded like typical asthma pattern, gave her a blue inhaler to try and booked some tests. Inhaler seemed to relieve symptoms. Tests fell on a day she was with her dad so he took her. They came back within normal ranges.

Recently symptoms worsened, and were particularly bad one night when she returned from her dads, she smelt very strongly of stale cigarettes and I turns out his girlfriend smoked in their flat when dd is there. I went back to the drs and he prescribed a new blue inhaler and a brown preventative inhaler and said that it could be that the asthma is coming on during colder weather (tests were in summer). Dr obviously had access to all medical records so knows tests results were previously normal. He asked us to try the preventative inhaler for a month then go back.

When I explained to her dad about the new inhaler he rolled his eyes, I was hoping he'd take the hint that she was particularly bad after coming back from his as related to the smoking in the flat as dd really gets upset when I said I needed to say it's not ok to him. Apparently he told dd that evening that he didn't know why she had it as she doesn't have asthma. He seems to think the dr would just prescribe a steroid inhaler for shits and giggles! Funnily enough I know realise asthma symptoms coincided with him moving in with the smoker girlfriend (which I did mention to the dr!)

She only smokes in the kitchen with the window open according to dd but I still don't think this is enough.

Eg not actually in the same room as dd so he would argue that it's unreasonable to stop access and unfortunately I think the courts would agree.

My dd1 was like this with her dad. She will start to not want to go as she gets older. Both of those adults sound like cunts tbh

I’d really put my foot down in this. I know you don’t want to upset her but the doctor has given her steroids - which actually do damage the lungs to some extent so they are not given lightly.

If he will not make sure this woman doesn’t smoke around her then I’d stop her sleeping over tbh. I know you will be the bad guy for a bit but in reality your protecting her daughters health.

Can you imagine if she has an asthma attack one night whilst she is there

"Prick and twat" are such childish words to write about some one. Honestly some of the women on here sound like they are fuve year's old.

Have you sat down and said to him, that you do not want the girlfriend smoking around your DD?

Overnights are fine, just say that she is to smoke outside

I think if you had a decent enough solicitor they would point out visits are sporadic and the advice for a new born baby is not to have any smoke in the house. Surely this would still apply?

Prick and twat" are such childish words to write about some one. Honestly some of the women on here sound like they are fuve year's old

How ironic my five year old can spell ‘five’ yet you can’t ..

XH smoked and took umbrage when I told him he had to smoke outside as DD1's asthma was worse when he smoked inside. He never entirely believed in her allergies either . Even when he saw for himself that she was better when he smoked outside, that was just 'coincidence'. Its a pity that your child still wants to see her dad, but I don't think staying overnight is a good move. I'd risk antagonising him and just tell him straight out.

op im sure you are anyway.but also keep reasuring her about her worth.it sounds like this feeling she is getting of abandonment could also cause stress and emotional shit like that will only add to her breathing problems.some people are just idiots she needs to know its them not her.and as she gets more into this age group that feelong is going to intesify if she doesnt have a safe space to park it.

If she really smoked hanging out the kitchen window your daughter wouldn't stink of smoke

@Kikkoman I don't even know how to respond to that, because every single person on this forum makes typing mistakes.

It is nothing to do with spelling, as you well know, it is to do with pressing the wrong button in a smart phone.

However, I am proud of myself, that I have never called anyone a prick or a twat on this thread. Horrible language

@simonneilsbeautifulhair yes I see your point, if she smokes out of the window in the kitchen.

I wonder then if a doctors letter would help? It would really be worth asking them about the risks too and just spelling this out with a leaflet and sending both letter and leaflet to your Ex. I’d put in a letter from you too, framing it in terms of ‘we both love and care for DD and this new development in her health is a bit of a learning curve for both of us... her asthma could get worse or better depending on what kind of help and enviro we give her... I am changing this and that, if we work together this will make quite an impact and maybe even reduce her need for a nebuliser...’

Tell him exactly what needs to happen if she gets wheezy and what to do in an emergency.

Etc. Go soft and frame it as expecting him to be a good parent. And to cooperate. Then monitor it and if he blatantly doesn’t help go harder.

How prim and proper of you angel. Idk any 5 year old who uses those words anyway.

It does make me wonder sometimes what these Other Women see in men like him?.

They are of course just smoking ordinary baccy, not the wacky type?..

angel

With the greatest respect, if you don’t like swearing this really is not the forum for you.

Lack of swearing censorship is the USP of Mumsnet, and it is one of the reasons I fucking love the place.

Can you get the testing done again to get a diagnosis? I would want that instead of an assumption it's asthma, when previous testing is negative. Whether he's an arse or not (he is) the doctor told him she didn't have it. Maybe get that first and then he might listen about not smoking in the flat?

Whether she actually had a formal diagnosis of asthma or not, they should not be smoking indoors in a house where a child is (or where anyone is, in my opinion). I am not formally asthmatic but get tight chest and cough if I am near people smoking. DH smokes but would not dream of doing it in the house, even if no-one else is home (well, I suspects he may hang out of his bathroom window sometimes, but no-one else goes in there)...

Well this has all taken an unexpected turn. Was about to text him re the smoking as she is going there tonight when I received a message from him saying please ignore any messages I may receive through social media from his now ex girlfriend as she is being malicious and trying to stop him having contact with his dd! He is moving out and asked me to make sure her number is blocked on dd's phone which I have. Mentioned the smoking before I realised he meant it was his current girlfriend that was now his ex and he agreed and has been extremely apologetic..... waiting for the drama to unfold now

Well there's some hope for him yet if he has apologised.
Hopefully your DD will be off the inhalers soon once he get's his own place.

Shit, the ex girlfriend had messaged me but it was hidden. She is saying he is a drug addict, injecting steroids and a coke head and she thinks worse. That he's been doing coke all night and then coming to get our daughter. This has been going on for 6 months supposedly. And that he beat her up yesterday morning.

I'm so completely torn here. I don't know her and don't think she seems like a very reliable witness given she's 22, abandoned her own child who lives with her mum, thinks it's ok to smoke around a child with asthma. But then on the other hand he has always had a rage problem, head butted me and gave me a black eye when drunk once. He has looked progressively worse for the last 6 months, sweaty, spotty, bloated face. And some of the specifics she has given tally up too much with what I know. It was also 6 months ago that he started paying less maintenance and generally what he feels like or none at all and letting daughter down on a fairly regular basis.

However I've also seen the life of someone I loved dearly destroyed over malicious lies. This is so hard. I really don't know who to trust.

She doesn't know I've seen the messages and I haven't replied as my dd is with him now and if any of this is true and he's lost his home, his relationship and he thinks he's going to lose access to his dd I am actually quite scared of what he will do. I don't know what to believe or what to do. Fuck.

Just text dd casually to check what time she's home for tea and she's ok so just want her to be home already.

What a nightmare!

Drug testing. If her allegations are malicious, he should be pleased to be able to prove her wrong. DIY ones are vulnerable to tampering, so you’d need to be careful to avoid that.

You need to be the responsible parent and put your foot down. An asthmatic child can not be allowed in a flat where someone smokes. Full stop. No exceptions.

Let him take you to court and try to argue he should be allowed to endanger his child’s life.

And he can prove he isn’t doing drugs very easily. If she is lying, it all gets cleared up with a quick test. He should jump at the chance to prove his innocence