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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you be annoyed by your DH taking credit for things?

48 replies

RainRainGoAway2020 · 28/02/2020 22:03

I do pretty much everything in this house that relates to our children. I buy all their gifts, clothing, school supplies, arrange parties, sort their activities and make sure they have what they need when they need it. They generally take it for granted as kids do.

However tonight it came up in conversation that my young son is under the impression that DH is wholly responsible for a large gift he received at Christmas. DH played no part at all! Obviously the gift was labelled as having been from both of us, but as usual all of the work was mine.
When I corrected my son and told him that it was down to me that he had this item he didn’t believe me. DH just sat there laughing away and enjoying getting all of the credit. He refused to back me up.

I should mention that the conversation arose because my son had just told me that I don’t do anything for him. Something he has said a couple of times recently. I feel like DH was encouraging this ungrateful attitude towards me. He definitely enjoys playing good cop to my bad cop when it comes to discipline, homework etc.

It’s really pissed me off and I know it’s probably ridiculous. But I just feel really annoyed that I keep all of these plates spinning and it goes completely unnoticed and unappreciated.

OP posts:
InArrears · 28/02/2020 22:05

Why do you do everything? For that YANBU.

How old is your son?

Stop being a doormat!

InArrears · 28/02/2020 22:06

YABU, I mean. Hmm

puds11 · 28/02/2020 22:07

Your husband sounds very disrespectful of you.

RainRainGoAway2020 · 28/02/2020 22:14

I do it all because I am more organised a nd just get on with things. It does piss me off but I figured out a long time ago that if I want things to be a certain way, and to reduce my anxiety to just get on with it myself. DH is lazy, leaves everything to the last minute and does everything half assed. He’d be the type of man who would shove them a crappy gift unwrapped in a carrier bag if it was left to him.

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 28/02/2020 22:14

Why are you letting him get away with it. You obv are very capable, but in the same way, you're facilitating the one sidedness & he sits back & leaves you to it. Have a talk & reset & redefine expectations. If he's unwilling or tries sabotage, leave him to it & he reaps consequence of your not stepping in & doing it.

katy1213 · 28/02/2020 22:18

Well, you know what to do - next present says love from Mum on the card.

JulietTango · 28/02/2020 22:32

If he thinks you do nothing for him then do nothing. I assume that means his washing and cooking etc too?

pallisers · 28/02/2020 22:32

I don't know how old your son is but I would take him aside (without his dad) and sit him down and make it clear to him EXACTLY what you do for him. I wouldn't be laughing or being nice either - I'd be quite stern and tell him that when you tell him somethign he should believe you and not be an ungrateful boy. He sounds quite ungrateful and you need to nip that in the bud.

your dh sounds like an ass. good luck with that freeloader.

pallisers · 28/02/2020 22:33

I do more of the emotional labour in this home. My dh gives full credit to me and to the children and everyone knows who is doing what. I give him full credit for the stuff he does.

ByeMF · 28/02/2020 22:38

He'll learn. My kids know exactly who does everything for them. They joke that Father Christmas is mum. Their father has moved out and it took a while for us to notice which jobs suddenly needed to be filled. It was emptying the hoover. Basically, that's all he contributed.

Thelnebriati · 28/02/2020 22:42

DH is lazy, leaves everything to the last minute and does everything half assed.
So leave it to him and let it play out.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parental_alienation

GrumpyHoonMain · 28/02/2020 22:45

Honestly I would teach your son a lesson here. If you usually make a big deal over Easter then don’t. When he gets no easter eggs you can blame DH for it

pickingdaisies · 28/02/2020 22:47

How old is your son? Old enough to find out exactly what it means when you really do nothing for him? I'd do that. Nothing. For a week, or as long as it takes for the penny to drop.

OchAyeThaNoo · 28/02/2020 22:54

DH and I do everything jointly. I'm a SAHM and he works but we still do all the Christmas crap as a team. No way would I ever accept what's happening with you. Why on Earth is your DH doing fuck all? And why is he allowing your DC to believe it's all down to him?! Stop doing it all. Now. Let your son wonder why he hasn't got an Easter Egg this year and tell him bloody clearly that this year you decided that it was dad's turn to sort it. Tell him Christmas will be the same so he'd better hope that dad changes his tune before then!

How old is your son? If this was coming from a teen I would actually go through with the "Dad's doing Christmas" thing and stash away some emergency gifts for when your son finds out his dad is a useless prick if a man child.

Handsfull13 · 28/02/2020 22:58

Time to call their bluff and stop doing everything for them.
Inform you husband as he couldn't back you up and point out all the hard you to for your children he is now in charge of taking care of your sons needs.
Then inform your son that you will stop doing anything and his dad is now in charge.

It will last probably three days and you will be begged to resume.

Daftodil · 28/02/2020 23:20

Agree with PPs - take a week off! Sit on the sofa, put your feet up, refuse to cook, clean, empty the bins, sort the food shop, wash the clothes, buy Easter eggs, drop him off, pick him up, etc.
Mum, where's breakfast/lunch/tea?
Dad is doing it?
Mum, why are there no clean bowls/plates/cups/cutlery?
Dad is doing it - he does everything, remember?
Mum, where are my clean clothes for school?
Dad is in charge of that too.
Mum can I have a lift to xxx?
Dad will do it...like he does everything, remember?

Let them see for themselves how much they take you for granted. And hopefully, the message will sink in in time for them to repent and arrange a mother's day treat you deserve!

RainRainGoAway2020 · 28/02/2020 23:21

My son is in KS1 so too young for me to try and teach a lesson by not doing things. He’s still at the age where he thinks the Easter bunny brings eggs, Santa brings gifts at Christmas etc.
But not too young to be put right and shown exactly just how much I do.

OP posts:
OchAyeThaNoo · 28/02/2020 23:24

Sorry but how old is KS1?

Booberella9 · 28/02/2020 23:24

Not too young for you to let DH show himself up.

What Daftodil said.

When your DH blows his lid at you then you will know the message has been received

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/02/2020 23:36

"my son had just told me that I don’t do anything for him"
I'd be wondering what - who? - put that idea into his head. My guess would be Daddy.

OK, I get that 5 is too young for you doing nothing for him to demonstrate that you do everything. But I think it would be appropriate to pick something and make it clear to both of them that this is now Daddy's responsibility. It could be getting him to a playdate, or taking him for shoes, or signing permission slips for school activities. An identifiable responsibility. It's time your husband stepped up to being a parent.

goingoverground · 29/02/2020 00:01

my son had just told me that I don’t do anything for him This is very concerning, 5 year olds don't think like that. It sounds like daddy has been whispering in his ear.

It is not ridiculous at all. This needs nipping in the bud now before vying to be the favourite parent escalates into full blown parental alienation. What kind of parent encourages their child to believe their Christmas gifts are from one parent only?

GrumpyHoonMain · 29/02/2020 01:32

A 5 yo is old enough to be taught how to be grateful and treat his mum with respect. You absolutely need to take action

Rainbowqueeen · 29/02/2020 02:57

I would be absolutely furious with your husband. He clearly intends to raise your son to not respect women.
Time for a serious talk. Write it down if you need to. What he is doing is not only disrespectful to you but damaging to your son, his relationship with you and his future relationships

Wallywobbles · 29/02/2020 06:29

Bosh's barely covers how I'd be if this went down in our house.