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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you be annoyed by your DH taking credit for things?

48 replies

RainRainGoAway2020 · 28/02/2020 22:03

I do pretty much everything in this house that relates to our children. I buy all their gifts, clothing, school supplies, arrange parties, sort their activities and make sure they have what they need when they need it. They generally take it for granted as kids do.

However tonight it came up in conversation that my young son is under the impression that DH is wholly responsible for a large gift he received at Christmas. DH played no part at all! Obviously the gift was labelled as having been from both of us, but as usual all of the work was mine.
When I corrected my son and told him that it was down to me that he had this item he didn’t believe me. DH just sat there laughing away and enjoying getting all of the credit. He refused to back me up.

I should mention that the conversation arose because my son had just told me that I don’t do anything for him. Something he has said a couple of times recently. I feel like DH was encouraging this ungrateful attitude towards me. He definitely enjoys playing good cop to my bad cop when it comes to discipline, homework etc.

It’s really pissed me off and I know it’s probably ridiculous. But I just feel really annoyed that I keep all of these plates spinning and it goes completely unnoticed and unappreciated.

OP posts:

Wallywobbles · 29/02/2020 06:29

Ffs Bolshy

nestisflown · 29/02/2020 06:37

I don't understand what you husband has been saying for your 5/6 year old to say you don't do anything for them. Where do they even get that sentiment? Can you give examples of what your husband will say to take the credit?

ittooshallpass · 29/02/2020 07:20

Wow OP, I thought you were going to say DS was at least 10. At 5 there's no way he's coming up with those ideas himself.

His dad is clearly putting ideas in his head. You need to get this sorted, I'm not surprised to annoyed.

For you

GaraMedouar · 29/02/2020 07:27

I would stop doing anything for husband - such as washing, cooking etc. My exP was a lazy freeloader - the only thing that changed when he left was I had to Load the dishwasher and stick it on at night - that was literally his only contribution (housework wise - no contribution financially - so I was better off with the single person council tax discount!) really disrespectful of your husband

Noconceptofnormal · 29/02/2020 07:38

Agree, I've got a kid your age and the only way they would be thinking either parent 'doesn't do anything for them' is if another adult has fed them that, as at that age they're not thinking about who puts their uniform out, washes their clothes, buys and cooks their food, it all just happens.

I would talk to your child alone and find out where they've got this idea from, then point out the reason why they have clean clothes, towels, food, toys etc is because of what you do, get him more involved so he can see it all doesn't just happen.

Assuming it is your husband who's fed him this it's time for a very serious talk. Next birthday / Christmas I would also make it clear to him that you're both doing your own presents from now on as he takes credit for yours.

Noconceptofnormal · 29/02/2020 07:39

Sorry, I mean a kid the same age as yours... Not your age!

IceColdCat · 29/02/2020 07:48

I disagree with the posters who say it's unusual that your son thinks you don't do anything for him. Surely this is common? Your DH shouldn't be encouraging him though. I'd be furious with him sitting and laughing instead of putting your son right.

Franticbutterfly · 29/02/2020 08:08

Don’t all 5 year olds idolise their mums? He must be learning this behaviour from somewhere. Your DH needs to grow up.

IceColdCat · 29/02/2020 08:43

I think more kids take their mums for granted than idolise them.

Original poster

RainRainGoAway2020 · 29/02/2020 09:16

I don’t think my husband has necessarily been feeding my son the line that I don’t do anything - I think it’s more that my son just doesn’t see it. At his age he doesn’t really consider washing his clothes etc to be for him. I’m trying to change that view.
I did tell my husband how furious I was and he just said that things are from both of us and that they were just on a wind up and I’m being ridiculous. But my son wasn’t “on a wind up” he genuinely believes that his dad is the reason he got this gift he finds so amazing.

OP posts:

cochineal7 · 29/02/2020 09:32

But the gift was from both of you. You organised it (and according to you this is how you prefer to do so - for that I actually think YABU) on behalf of both of you. Towards your young son both of you should surely keep up that it is a JOINT parental gift. And I doubt many kids his age (I assume KS1 is key stage 1, so about 4-7 yo) are congratulating their parents on doing their laundry. It feels like you are unhappy about the division of labour - that should be discussed with your DH and not in any way involve your son. He will learn by watching you guys.

TorkTorkBam · 29/02/2020 09:38

You have let your husband believe he has the right to be lazy and still reap the benefits of a nice life. This situation is merely an extension of it. You are married to a selfish man.

mummmy2017 · 29/02/2020 09:52

So buy him a single Easter Egg.
And wait for Daddy give him his Easter Egg.
Then say what a good job mummy got a spare incase daddy forgot.

pinkyredrose · 29/02/2020 09:58

Then say what a good job mummy got a spare incase daddy forgot yup that's right, teach him early that mummy will pick up the slack for daddys incompetence.

BaronessBomburst · 29/02/2020 10:08

Let your DS see everything you do in the house by doing it together. Give him a duster, let him help unload the dishwasher, sort the washing into piles and pair up socks. It'll take longer to start with but the benefits soon pay off. My DS is 10 and can now be assigned jobs, and if I disappear into the kitchen will come to see what he can help with. Okay, so usually it's because he wants me to play with him afterwards but he's learned that if he helps with the jobs, I get more free time to do so!

Largeyellowdaffodil · 29/02/2020 10:10

So buy him a single Easter Egg.And wait for Daddy give him his Easter Egg.Then say what a good job mummy got a spare incase daddy forgot.

Surely you only give a child 1 egg anyway? Assuming they are not mini eggs.

Snaketime · 29/02/2020 10:18

I don't know OP my DD is 5 and knows that I do everything. She also know that I am the one that gets the Christmas presents (the ones that don't come from Santa anyway), I think it has come from somewhere, even if a flippant comment made by your husband that your DS has twisted to mean something else, it has come from somewhere.

Love51 · 29/02/2020 10:23

It seems like your husband's disrespect is rubbing off on your son. Respect for parents is one thing we are quite strong on here, any rudeness to a parent gets them in trouble with both of us!
Out of interest, who cooks dinner and how does that go? Here the non cooking parent thanks the cooking parent, which prompts the children to thank the cook as well. If the kids have contributed, we thank them as well. It seems a bit over the top written down, but kids appreciate dinner more than clean clothes!
Can you and your husband get into the habit of thanking each other for stuff? If that isn't your usual dynamic it might seem odd.
Gifts are hard, as we still have santa / Easter bunny / tooth fairy (I'm fairly sure the eldest knows, but we are all still playing the game!) I'm ok with not being personally thanked as it isn't the same as them being ungrateful / rude.

Brazi103 · 29/02/2020 10:26

In my case I really wouldnt be bothered if dh gets the credit because 1) Dh absolutely pulls his weight in every aspect of our lives 2) dh would actually correct the person who made the mistake.
Because of this I sometimes do something great according to ds and let dh take the credit because I really appreciate how much he doesnt take me for granted.
In your case I would have a problem with it.

Likethebattle · 29/02/2020 10:36

Can pleoplenpkrase use children’s ages. KS1, year 5 etc means nothing if you are not in England. Sorry but i struggle when someone says ‘year 8’

12help34please56 · 29/02/2020 10:51

I don't think your husband reacted in the right way at the time of the conversation but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he is feeding that attitude to your son. My two are a similar age and at times have a warped view on things - they think daddy is the only one that can mend things and that he is the only one that ever puts them to bed for example. Neither is the case at all (he isn't here for bedtime for half the week for a start) so I don't know how that perception has appeared but it will change as they understand more - my eldest had an epiphany moment the other day when i did fix something haha! 5 is too young to be taught a lesson by stopping doing things for him and I would struggle to just stop doing everything as the only one that impacts on in the short term is me and I can't hold out long enough for my dh to even notice! However I do think you should pick your husband up on it - and if he doesn't take it seriously then start considering where you can reduce your effort that just impacts on him (his gifts, fathers day etc). I wish I could do the same to the Christmas Elf haha! It's certainly a thankless task being a mum at times isn't it x

tinytemper66 · 29/02/2020 11:35

You know what to do...fuck all and then and only then will they realise who does things.

tinytemper66 · 29/02/2020 11:36

Also only you can change the mind set by doing nothing....literally.

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