To ask if anyone else struggles to find friends?

[billienomates1]

Regular Mnetter but n'cd as this is a bit embarrassing.

I'm mid 30s, single, no DC and work part time from home due to long term health and mobility problems.

I know not being able to get out much isn't helping my case but I wondered if anyone else feels like over time their friends have drifted away and it's harder to make new ones as you get older and aren't at a college/workplace.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong as I always try hard with keeping in touch with people, asking them how they are, if they want to meet up and doing whatever I can to help if they have a problem.

I find a lot of people have ghosted me although I don't actually know why, or they cancel at the very last minute or don't reply to texts, even if I message again from time to time in case they forgot to reply before.

Over the last few years I've felt my friends have gone from being maybe 5 people, down to a couple, but now I don't really hear back from them any more and I don't actually know why. If I ask them if everything is ok I get vague comments about being busy, which could mean anything.

I go to things like groups and clubs, where I might meet new people, I'm friendly to everyone I meet and will approach people first rather than waiting for them to talk to me but I find often I'll get on well with someone, perhaps they suggest doing something together, we exchange numbers and either they don't reply to my messages or we arrange something and they cancel at the last minute.

I don't know what the problem is because I am cheerful, polite, jokey, show interest in what people say and find mutual interests to talk about but I feel like as I'm the common denominator, there must be something wrong with me.

Does anyone else feel the same or is in the same position as me? I see people around who seem so popular, even if they're not that nice to the people around them, they get invited to things and I don't understand where I'm going wrong and it's starting to get me very down.

Thank you for reading

In the same boat

I was trying to be positive and get out there and be cheerful and pro active about meeting new people but it's got to the point where I'm loosing my confidence and feeling very down about it all

I'm finding it impossible to make friends in my 50's. I've also lost touch with people because of illness (now recovered) and a couple of deaths.

Women are really suspicious of other women who already don't have a friendship group. Before I'm pulled up, men's friendship dynamics are completely different.

However, how jokey are you? Could you come across as dismissive? Some people look for offense.

I find them well enough, but for some reason they do drift away. I try to contact and start conversations, but it’s a one-way street.
I’d love to do a survey with ex-friends, to find out what makes me so awful that they don’t bother with me anymore.

I think most people find it difficult to make friends. Perhaps you would be happier if you shifted your expectations slightly. Continue to get out and about, be friendly, etc, but do not expect friendships to follow. Interact with people in the moment and take your social needs from this. You will make the occasional new friend, but don’t expect it. I do a lot of social interacting, but I have probably less than 5 friends, and that is how it has been for decades.

Feel the same

My only real friends are the ones I’ve grown up with and we probably only get together about 5 times a year. I have one other friend who I meet once in a blue moon for coffee. Dh doesn’t have any friends as such either.
To be honest though it doesn’t bother me that much as I’m busy with my immediate family - I just worry that when the kids have moved out and dh retires we’ll be bored stiff! I suppose we’ll have to start going to bridge clubs and things like that!
I think it would be harder if I hadnt any dc’s to focus on. My dB has recently ended his long term relationship, he has no dc’s and few friends and he’s really struggling. I would suggest don’t focus so much on trying to force friendships as it could seem needy - just keep on going to your clubs and getting out as much as you can. That way you won’t feel isolated.

I think it tends to be normal once you get to a certain age and people start their own families. I used to have loads of friends and go out all the time but now I don't have any I see any more. I know it's the same for each of them as well though. The only new 'friends' I've made in about 20 years were on the school run and even then I wouldn't say we're close. We wouldn't ever go for a night out or do anything that doesn't revolve around our children. I agree it's really hard, OP. I don't even know how anyone has the time to do anything beyond go to work and ferry children around to activities these days. It's exhausting!

Thank you everyone- I do feel a bit better for reading your replies.

Perhaps I've been unrealistic and overestimated how keen other people I meet might be to make a new friend.

I suppose I also might have unrealistic expectations of what to expect from a friend

OP, You're not alone. Wish there was a topic section on MN specifically for 'JonnyNo Mates'. I don't know what the answer is, I've accepted it.

Me too. I am totally isolated, it’s crap! Everyone’s too busy to meet up.

I could have written this post!

Also mid 30's, single, without children and have long-term health issues which means I volunteer from home.

I just assumed it was due to our age, as almost all of my friends are coupled up and half of them have children. Even the few friends I have who are single don't seem particularly sociable anymore either though.

I feel like society is generally becoming less sociable and more miserable. People seem to prefer to socialize via Whatsapp than meet up in person. Not sure I like the way the world is going!

Are you a member of an online group for the health condition you have? I wonder if that might provide an opportunity to meet people.

'Meeting up' with friends is also quite expensive (the pub, various restaurants etc), so might be a reason why people cancel. Why is it meeting up with friends in the UK is such a formal affair? why can't friends meet up at home with a KFC and watch crap telly together. People seem quite 'protective' of wherever they live, which of course I understand, but if they're a friend i don't understand why you can't invite them round ? hoping someone can explain.

@Misandei I really wish there was! It's a shame there's not a MN make friends app!

I don't know whether things are different nowadays, I would love to be able to sit on the sofa, sharing food, laughing at something on tv with a friend but people only really seem to want to meet up in restaurants which means paying for a 3 course meal or sitting awkwardly whilst they eat if you can't stretch to all the courses.

Exactly! I'm 50yrs by the way. The friendships that i grew up knowing were the sitting on the sofa with a bag of chips kind. I don't want to have to get all dolled up and travel to London to pay for a 3 course dinner or wherever just to see my 'friend'. Of course if i understand if its for a special occasion, but i'd only expect that 2-3 a yr max!

I don't think I've ever had a real friend. People I've thought were friends in the past have turned out to be just using me until something better came along. I don't know why and it makes me very sad.

I can make friends...I just find it hard to sustain friendships. I’m too bitter and don’t go for fluffy “hun” type stuff. I over share and talk about myself too much. I can’t be arsed nurturing friendships and once they cool I let them go...but it hurts.

I actively seek out “quirky” people but I don’t fit in with them.

I’m an introvert.

Gawd I sound awful!!! I’m really not but I’m not an easy person. I get that.

Sometimes I just think I don't fit with anyone, I don't really know - what sort of things do people normally talk about?

I also feel like because I can't drink alcohol due to medical issues and medications people think I must be boring. A lot of people my age seem to drink a lot and take a fair amount of drugs which aren't things I do, I don't know if anyone else feels the same?

I'm a proper introvert and I'm not very good at being close friends with people, but I do like company and a bit of chit chat. I joined the WI a couple of years ago, and because I feel a bit conflicted with the middle-classness of that, although I do enjoy it, I've also joined the Labour party. Between the two I have found some lovely social groups I can dip in and out of without having to take on the emotional burden of friends.

I have a few friends but I don’t really like people.

This is also me!

Mid 30's and I have literally no friends. Often wondering what's wrong with me but at the same time I can't be bothered with all the 'hun' BS either. My own family don't bother messaging me out the blue, I'm always the one to randomly text 'hey how are you' etc so they know I give a shit but it's never returned! I've given up now and so my phone never pings!! I also share too much, I'm too open etc

I can't understand why you don't have more friends op considering how proactive you've been. You sound really friendly.

I think a lot of single women are rejected and not welcome with other women who have partners out of insecurities and fear

@Sayalil yes, yes, yes the over sharing bit .

I think it’s one of life’s great mysteries: how do some people manage to maintain friendships??!

It’s nice to know it’s not just me. I am worried though that my DCs might be like me (and their dad) too.

@LyndaSnellsSniff you've just described me!

I like having friends but they annoy me and I can't keep my mouth shut when they do.