To ask if anyone else struggles to find friends?

[billienomates1]

Regular Mnetter but n'cd as this is a bit embarrassing.

I'm mid 30s, single, no DC and work part time from home due to long term health and mobility problems.

I know not being able to get out much isn't helping my case but I wondered if anyone else feels like over time their friends have drifted away and it's harder to make new ones as you get older and aren't at a college/workplace.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong as I always try hard with keeping in touch with people, asking them how they are, if they want to meet up and doing whatever I can to help if they have a problem.

I find a lot of people have ghosted me although I don't actually know why, or they cancel at the very last minute or don't reply to texts, even if I message again from time to time in case they forgot to reply before.

Over the last few years I've felt my friends have gone from being maybe 5 people, down to a couple, but now I don't really hear back from them any more and I don't actually know why. If I ask them if everything is ok I get vague comments about being busy, which could mean anything.

I go to things like groups and clubs, where I might meet new people, I'm friendly to everyone I meet and will approach people first rather than waiting for them to talk to me but I find often I'll get on well with someone, perhaps they suggest doing something together, we exchange numbers and either they don't reply to my messages or we arrange something and they cancel at the last minute.

I don't know what the problem is because I am cheerful, polite, jokey, show interest in what people say and find mutual interests to talk about but I feel like as I'm the common denominator, there must be something wrong with me.

Does anyone else feel the same or is in the same position as me? I see people around who seem so popular, even if they're not that nice to the people around them, they get invited to things and I don't understand where I'm going wrong and it's starting to get me very down.

Thank you for reading

I also feel like because I can't drink alcohol due to medical issues and medications people think I must be boring.

^^

I don't get shit faced often and people definitely interpret this as boring - which makes me want to be mates with them less! I. E if they're that stupid

Yep, definately harder to make friends as you get older. Same as PP, I met lots of people at baby groups and now at the school gates, but I have no idea what's going on in their lives beyond sleep regressions and toilet training and vice versa. It's all very superficial.

I've lost relationships with the friends I grew up with since having children because I can't do the things I used to do like cinema, pubs, clubs. Can't even really do a nice lazy lunch as my toddler is incapable of sitting still for that long and I have to leave to accommodate nap times etc before toddler gets overtired and has a meltdown. By the time I've got my DC to bed in the evening and tidied up it's time for bed. I'd love to get the girls round to watch crap tv with a takeaway, but either the house is a tip or I don't have the energy or both!

Sorry OP, appreciate that's not helpful, but you're not alone 💐

I'm not sure why some people seem to get invited to everything even if they go about being argumentative and rude to everyone.

I suppose at a certain point when a lot of people have their own families you become a bit of a third wheel

I think I've probably over shared a bit like others have mentioned here but I don't know how to be different without just being really closed off and not showing any personality in which case what has anyone got to go on to decide whether they want to get to know you?

I do wonder about people with tons of friends nowadays. Close relative is a real extrovert always making fun of the fact I have the same 2 friends for yrs (we phone eachother every month somewhat and visit at birthdays and xmas that's it). Relative has friends coming out of her ears, but when she runs into trouble/needs a favour and she often does!) she comes banging on my door or rings the phone non stop. I always feel like saying, 'WHAT ABOUT YOUR GAZILLION FRIENDS, SURELY THEY COULD HELP? and i mean that genuinely but feel that would be mean. It's a bit like facebook, 1,000 friends but no one you can call in a crisis.

I think you sound a nice person op and hope you make some new friends soon.

I suspect a lot of it is that you're at an age where a lot of people have young kids and are a bit inward focused.

Also a few years ago I moved to a different country and I look back now on the first few months of trying to make friends and feel I was trying too hard. If you give off a 'desperate' vibe I think people find it off putting.

The most effective thing I have found for making new friends is to get involved in running something (join the board of s local charity for example). Then you're always needed and have a ready made structure for meeting some people regularly to get something done.

I also occasionally just ask someone if they want to have dinner some time or such like but only if we really click.

It is harder to make friends as you get older; nobody has to time to hang out as they did in their teens (when dinner/clean clothes etc appeared as if by magic courtesy of your mum!) I have a handful of real friends who go back for decades; we meet perhaps a few times a year and it's as if we saw each other yesterday. The day to day friendships - some date back 20 years, some more recent - are more what I'd class as friendly acquaintances. We meet for coffee or a film or book group but I don't think any of us invest too much in each other. If we moved, we'd probably lose touch. But that's fine - there are different levels of friendship.

Could you be coming on a bit strong? If I feel overwhelmed by someone, I tend to back off.

@Greydove28 thank you - that's really kind of you to say so. Hopefully things will turn around!

@katy1213 I know what you mean! I miss the days of people being carefree and just wanting to hang out and enjoying each other's company. Instead of "I need to leave, my parents want me home" now it's "I need to leave, I am a parent!"

I'm not sure I'd come over a bit strong to people as I'm fairly quietly spoken and not pushy although I will say hello to people first (I'd have hesitated before and hoped they'd speak to me) and always say something to open up the possibility of a conversation.