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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister-in-Law's Wedding

77 replies

EtchellsGuardian · 28/02/2020 15:20

I am new. I am really embarrassed by being so upset about something especially as one of my closest friends has had to endure a really shit time with catastrophe after catastrophe over the last eighteen months. I made this account as I can’t really speak to my real friends because it is so silly considering what my friend has been through.
A friend and I were talking about a holiday our friend is taking us on later on in the year to thank us for the support that we have given her. My husband came in and he was white, he had forgotten when we were going and when his sister asked him about any plans we had that particular month because she was planning her wedding, he said that we had no plans. He jumped on the phone and she hadn’t planned anything but clarified that he personally had no plans and it was only me who would be away.
Two weeks later SiL spoke to him and said she had booked the date anyway as the venue was what she wanted. I am so upset I burst into tears when he told me. He was upset and completely blamed himself for not remembering the date of my holiday.
At a later date she said that she and BiL wanted a child free wedding and would he mind if this extended to our children; he said he would be upset so DD was going to be flower girl. It has now emerged that it is MiL who wanted this. He was really angry that she didn’t want our children.
When the holiday came up he was going to take leave rather than juggling the kids but my mother said that she would have them instead. He then said that he would still take leave in order to do a big demolition job in the house so we wouldn’t pay for builder’s prep.
DH now wants my mother to still have the children and go to the wedding on his own.
IAIBU to be upset that my SiL thinks so little of me that she has chosen a date knowing that I can’t come , wanting to exclude my children and now my husband wants to go without them?

OP posts:

Kisskiss · 28/02/2020 16:49

YABU. You sound a bit self centred tbh. It’s her wedding and she did say it was the only weekebd in that month her chosen venue is available. Aside from this, you are not the only close relative she has to take into account and you have no idea what others’ calendars look like.. she did ask about your availability In the first place which I would take to mean she did prioritise you to the best of her ability.

Candyfloss99 · 28/02/2020 16:51

YABU. she doesn't want children at her wedding, that includes yours but isn't anything specifically against them. She also can't plan her wedding around when you're on holiday with your friends.

category12 · 28/02/2020 16:52

If you're upset with anyone, it should be your DH. He made it clear that you coming to the wedding wasn't important in that phonecall. And he's the one dumping the kids on your mother.

Mumto1girl3boys · 28/02/2020 17:07

I dont understand what the big deal is, you go on holiday without your kids and your husband enjoys the wedding without the kids. Everyones a winner in my eyes. No need for all the drama

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 28/02/2020 17:08

Wot @category said

Your MIL is being a bit odd to not want her grandchildren at her daughters wedding but hey ho.

Your DH messed up. Don't blame SIL. Go on holiday. Your DH should only ask your mother to look after children for the wedding and should take leave care for them himself over the holiday rather than do renovations.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 28/02/2020 17:09

I think you're upset because it's all a bit stressful. Is all.

Intelinside57 · 28/02/2020 17:15

You can't make the date because your DH stuffed up, but it's really not the end of the world as you're going on holiday and will have a great time (as long as you don't start moping about "they'll all be at the wedding now...").
They want a child-free wedding, maybe they have lots of friends with lots of children and just had to draw a line. It's not the end of the world either and the children will probably have much more fun with Grandma.

LuluJakey1 · 28/02/2020 17:18

YABU. I'd be delighted- I hate weddings.

MimiLaRue · 28/02/2020 17:19

Why are you angry at SIL when it was your DH who got the dates wrong? this is all his fault, not your SIL

GreatAuntE320 · 28/02/2020 17:25

Quite frankly UK weddings these day, amongst certain demographics, are really only a stupidly expensive party to celebrate the signing of a contract.
Stick to your plans! You will have much more fun and pique the bride, who thinks the whole world currently revolves around her.
Whatever you do, do NOT behave as if you are heartbroken, you will earn far more respect from these dull individuals, if they even bother to think about it.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/02/2020 17:30

@JustInCaseCakeHappens. Sad but true. I agree. It shouldn't be all down to OP and DH are just as capable and should be just as responsible for sorting out dates.
But in this case her DH also didn't think about the OP's holiday dates, only about whether it suited him and he didn't pass the information on to her in time either.
There's a lack of communication and with something as important as a family wedding date, there should have been some double checking going on, particularly if people are going to get upset about not being able to attend.
Although I also agree that its up to the SIL when she sets her date if that's the only availability she has. She also has a right to expect her own brother to make the extra effort to find out about dates and not cause all these problems.

aSofaNearYou · 28/02/2020 17:31

You will have much more fun and pique the bride, who thinks the whole world currently revolves around her.
Whatever you do, do NOT behave as if you are heartbroken, you will earn far more respect from these dull individuals, if they even bother to think about it.

This is a really weird assessment; there's nothing in the OP to suggest they are dull individuals, or anything about them really other than that they are getting married, and as many people have mentioned OP is the one that comes across as thinking the world revolves around her plans. How on Earth did you get it the other way around?

Symbollove · 28/02/2020 17:34

I feel for you op. Your getting the typical MN response here. Just because it's HER day doesn't mean she can be selfish about, I hate that many on here for some weird reason think wedding is just about the groom and bride, it is about the immediate family too! (If they having a function about it!) Your her brothers wife, of course after finding out she should have tried to book for when your available, or even spoke to you beforehand but seems like she isn't bothered about you attending and would much prefer that date. Also I find all this child free wedding quite odd, how can you not include your blood related children? I can understand if you don't want guests coming with children but children immediately related to the bride and groom should be allowed.
I reckon you go enjoy your holiday, don't be bothered that your not attending her wedding.

ChicCroissant · 28/02/2020 17:35

Why isn't your DH getting the blame here instead of his sister? He was the one who told her the wrong dates, he whined to get his DD in as a flower girl and then said he wasn't taking her?!

SafferUpNorth · 28/02/2020 17:46

Ummmm am I missing something... no matter how close you are, would you really have expected her to select her wedding date to fit your plans??

There are so so many other factors for her to consider in choosing a date - availability of venue, of other close family (maybe some travelling from abroad) etc etc. You can't expect her to plan it around you??? YABU

Kirkman · 28/02/2020 17:53

Just because it's HER day doesn't mean she can be selfish about

Where has she been selfish.

Your her brothers wife, of course after finding out she should have tried to book for when your available, or even spoke to you beforehand but seems like she isn't bothered about you attending and would much prefer that date.

She did ask her brother. He confirmed it was fine. THEN told her his wife wouldnt be free, but he was. Not, that his wife would be very upset to miss it. I would take that as his wife would be fine not going.

And since when has your brothers wife, been the person to plan around? Theres lots of other people involved, if that's the date that works best for everyone, then op isnt more important than everyone else.

I can understand if you don't want guests coming with children but children immediately related to the bride and groom should be allowed.

You think they should be allowed. They doesnt mean they actually should. It's a matter of opinion.

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 28/02/2020 18:00

Just because it's HER day doesn't mean she can be selfish about

what has that poor woman done that is selfish?

elenacampana · 28/02/2020 18:01

@Symbollove

It is her day and she can do whatever she likes with it. Nobody but the bride and groom has any place to make demands about weddings. They decide what kind of day they want and invite those they would like to see there. It’s then up to the guests to decide if they want to go. Selfish doesn’t come into it.

jillandhersprite · 28/02/2020 18:05

I think you are upset but its a DH problem thats caused all this not SIL and most peoples immediate reaction is to focus outside rather than on the partner.
Your partner gives no thought to your plans, forgot about your holiday, and then when given an opportunity to sort it out he took a cowards way out. Once its established the wedding is going ahead and your holiday is going ahead he's selfishly thinking about himself and what suits him, assuming your mother will fall into line to facilitate that.
I think the reason you have 'overreacted' is that something doesn't sit quite right with you about his behaviour - but its much easier to hide behind the SIL being the problem than him.

saraclara · 28/02/2020 18:12

She was told those dates were okay, and had already sorted a lot of the planning around them. You're not the only people in her life that she had to work around, nor would the venue have been available at other times.

By the time your husband rectified the mistake, it was almost certainly impossible for her to change without impacting other people's availability, or the that of the venue.

You are blaming entirely the wrong person. SIL has many other people's availability to consider too. She thought she had a date to suit everyone, and by the time she found out about you (and sorry, you're less important than her parents, her siblings, the bridesmaids and the best man) it was too late.

You seem to think the wedding should revolve around you.

aSofaNearYou · 28/02/2020 18:13

Just because it's HER day doesn't mean she can be selfish about, I hate that many on here for some weird reason think wedding is just about the groom and bride, it is about the immediate family too!

Why though? People always say this and yet I just cannot for the life of me think why people would think a wedding belongs to a whole family. It's just an invitation to share their day with people, it doesn't mean they have any particular claim on it. In the same way that inviting people to your birthday party isn't "about the family", it's about the birthday person, everyone else is just invited.

There's no excuse for a bride or groom being rude or demanding of their guests, but selfish... in the sense that they can arrange their wedding how they want it... of course they should. Should she not get married in a venue she loved specifically so that her brothers wife gets to watch?

It doesn't sound like the SIL has been rude or demanding at all. She specifically asked about their availability and made plans accordingly. A lot of venues only have a few dates available, and why oh why can't people see that if they are this defensive of their presence and role at others weddings, other people will be too. SIL and her fiance may have multiple people on both sides to try and accommodate. What if this was the only available date SILs partners mum could make it? Or just the only day when only one person couldn't make it? If there's an extended family on both sides plus friends it's fairly inevitable that at least one person isn't going to make it, if we all went back to the drawing board every time nobody would ever get married.

OhCaptain · 28/02/2020 18:18

I genuinely don’t understand this...

TARSCOUT · 28/02/2020 18:20

You will be away on holiday and DH has taken leave to do work in house and MIL is watching kids. You will still be.on holiday and kids still be with MIL and DH will be at wedding. So is MIL not going to wedding?.What a kerfuffle?

AllyBamma · 28/02/2020 18:22

Sorry why are you making this all about you?
Your SIL did think enough of you to ask if you’d be free on a certain date and through no fault of hers, you now have other plans. Do you actually expect her to change her wedding date to suit your travel plans? And I think you’re being a bit dramatic about the child free element. It’s completely their choice and nothing to do with you whatsoever. I think you need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. YABU

partofthepeanutgallery · 28/02/2020 22:29

Perhaps MIL now doesn't want your children at the wedding.because you are not going, OP; you already have plans. And she knows that if your DH takes them she'll end up watching them rather than enjoying the wedding and reception herself.

could that be the possible problem here?

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