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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister-in-Law's Wedding

77 replies

EtchellsGuardian · 28/02/2020 15:20

I am new. I am really embarrassed by being so upset about something especially as one of my closest friends has had to endure a really shit time with catastrophe after catastrophe over the last eighteen months. I made this account as I can’t really speak to my real friends because it is so silly considering what my friend has been through.
A friend and I were talking about a holiday our friend is taking us on later on in the year to thank us for the support that we have given her. My husband came in and he was white, he had forgotten when we were going and when his sister asked him about any plans we had that particular month because she was planning her wedding, he said that we had no plans. He jumped on the phone and she hadn’t planned anything but clarified that he personally had no plans and it was only me who would be away.
Two weeks later SiL spoke to him and said she had booked the date anyway as the venue was what she wanted. I am so upset I burst into tears when he told me. He was upset and completely blamed himself for not remembering the date of my holiday.
At a later date she said that she and BiL wanted a child free wedding and would he mind if this extended to our children; he said he would be upset so DD was going to be flower girl. It has now emerged that it is MiL who wanted this. He was really angry that she didn’t want our children.
When the holiday came up he was going to take leave rather than juggling the kids but my mother said that she would have them instead. He then said that he would still take leave in order to do a big demolition job in the house so we wouldn’t pay for builder’s prep.
DH now wants my mother to still have the children and go to the wedding on his own.
IAIBU to be upset that my SiL thinks so little of me that she has chosen a date knowing that I can’t come , wanting to exclude my children and now my husband wants to go without them?

OP posts:

Kirkman · 28/02/2020 16:01

Since rectifying the error, the SIL has booked knowing the aoP cannot attend.

Just because it doesnt suit OP, doesnt mean that, that date should go ahead.

The other available dates may not suit the bride and groom. Or her parents.

Why would anyone be expected to go with a date that is suitable to their dbro and sil, but not other people?

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 28/02/2020 16:01

You are completely over-reacting and making someone else's wedding about YOU!

It's your DH who mixed up the dates. It happens, but you can't blame your SIL for that.

She is not excluding children, she wants a child-free wedding. Perfectly reasonable. He was really angry that she didn’t want our children. how entitled! Have a party, renew your vows with your kids if you want, it's ridiculous to impose kids on people who want a child-free wedding.

I feel so sorry for your poor SIL, who has to deal with tantrums from her brother and you. Why are you so keen on making the whole event about you?

Ponoka7 · 28/02/2020 16:02

Just to add, you aren't the only one that she has to consider. Two people are getting married and I'm sure they both have to suit as many people as possible.

cheeseball123 · 28/02/2020 16:03

It's unfortunate but if that's the only time the venue had an opening then I'd probably take it too. Silly of your DH not to double check with you about plans before answering her.

TypingError · 28/02/2020 16:06

YABU. The bride may not have actually booked anything but she'd probably spent weeks trying to find out everyone's availability and then when she thought she had it all tied up your DH threw a spanner in the works. It's not surprising that she doesn't want to start over again. I don't really understand the flower girl issue. Was your DD asked and then unasked? Or the other way round. I totally get why people have child free weddings if there are a lot they'd have to invite. You could end up with 20 or more children. My DD invited all friends and family children to her wedding but there were only 4. Two newborns and a couple of teens. No problem. I feel you are taking this far too personally. Get your mum to have the children as planned and DH can attend and enjoy the wedding in peace. That's what I'd do. You are having a holiday yourself, after all.

Kirkman · 28/02/2020 16:06

KirkmanSIL wanted a childfree wedding. Mil was the one who insisted that did be a flower gorl

Ah, I read it as it emergency mil wanted the wedding to be child free.

However, it doesnt change much. Sul wanted a child free wedding but relented when it upset her mum and brother. And now the kids arent going anyway.

So sil checked out peoples plans but expected to change what she wanted to do because the DH didnt bother to remember or check about plans.

Sil wanted a childfree wedding, but gave in because it caused upset. Despite the upset, the ops DJ has now decided he would rather be child care free for the whole week. So causing the upset was pointless.

Op is devastated. That the sil didnt plan her wedding to accommodate the OP? Doesnt matter if it suits other people or not. Op is devastated.

I do feel sorry for the sil. She should elope.

Bibijayne · 28/02/2020 16:10

I think OP is misdirecting her upset. The cock up here is her DH and poor communication, not her SIL.

Leaannb · 28/02/2020 16:10

@Kirkman I agree with the elopement or personally I just wouldn’t invite OP,her dh or her kid

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 28/02/2020 16:10

The point is, when the OP realised the error, nothing was booked.
Since rectifying the error, the SIL has booked knowing the aoP cannot attend

But if she has asked the DH about X month and he has said Nope that month is clear then she starts looking for that month, finds a venue she loves that’s only available that weekend which is fine because there’s no reason the OP or her DH can’t come then before she books it DH realises his cock up and rings her, then why should she start looking again She’s found a venue That works for her

pictish · 28/02/2020 16:13

I was following you until, “Two weeks later SiL spoke to him and said she had booked the date anyway as the venue was what she wanted. I am so upset I burst into tears when he told me.”, at which point I thought ‘wtf?’.

You are overreacting. Completely. It’s not a snub...it’s a conflict of interests. You didn’t seriously expect her to move her wedding because you are on holiday?
Come on now.

partofthepeanutgallery · 28/02/2020 16:15

I think SIL booked the venue she really wanted on a date most people are available; she's entitled to do this. Let it go.

BUT, your DH is obligated to look after HIS children. You already have plans for that weekend ... you're away with friends, he knew that, not your problem he forgot. If he wants to know go to his SIL's after-scheduled wedding, he sorts childcare for the wedding portion of your holiday so he can do so.

It's not that difficult, but it is his problem to step up to and sort.

Kirkman · 28/02/2020 16:16

I agree with the elopement or personally I just wouldn’t invite OP,her dh or her kid

Me too. But then, by the sounds of it, herlother would kick off.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/02/2020 16:20

I'm saying this from my own experience really, with an OH who has absolutely NO IDEA of dates but says yes to everything and anything which I then have to phone up and cancel. I don't care anymore about doing it and I tell the person he keeps no record of dates. He's been told time and time again the response is please check with Duckbilled first.

It may not be the answer you were looking for but all I can do is think of the questions that ran through my mind when I read your post.
Why did she ask your OH about dates when if its something as important as a wedding, she ought to ask BOTH of you and this can easily be done by email.
Why does he not have the sense to ask you first before he jumps in and replies or check on the kitchen calendar and then wait two weeks for your to find out.
Just because he agrees to something without checking the dates, why are you not all immediately on the phone to them or emailing to say he's made a mistake?
Also. If you get to go on your holiday and you are not bothered about the wedding it doesn't really matter what he and the kids do.

Hotchocolate321 · 28/02/2020 16:21

Your reaction is ott (sorry but it is). Unless she is like a sister to you I can't understand your reaction.

As for the childfree wedding, they seem to be the done thing now when the bride and groom don't have any children, you can bet once they have kids they'll be refusing all childfree wedding invites! We are declining my brother in-laws invite for this very reason, that and we don't actually like them

Jellybeansincognito · 28/02/2020 16:27

Of course you’re being unreasonable.
Why do people become so entitled when it comes to someone else’s legal joining?

Blimey op.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/02/2020 16:30

Maybe your SIL is upset that you're prioritising a holiday over her wedding?

Either way I think you're overreacting. It's about her, not you.

And lots of people don't want kids at weddings.

But enjoy your holiday.

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 28/02/2020 16:31

Why did she ask your OH about dates when if its something as important as a wedding, she ought to ask BOTH of you and this can easily be done by email.

Why? because he's a man? So the female part of the couple has to be in charge?

Most men are perfectly able to manage the family calendar. Your DH not bothering about dates doesn't mean he's the rule.

limitedscreentime · 28/02/2020 16:31

I think it's a bit shit but circumstances are what they are and it's not personal.

Asking a child to be a flower girl then rescinding their invite is unforgivable though.

DreemOn · 28/02/2020 16:34

I like my SIL but I’m not actually close friends with them. Are you genuinely close to your SIL? It’s hard to get a date where everyone is free.

I think you are overreacting a bit. Although always hard to tell from a thread. Maybe your SIL is horrible and deliberately chose the date so you couldn’t come... what do you think?

Kirkman · 28/02/2020 16:35

Asking a child to be a flower girl then rescinding their invite is unforgivable though.

Did that happen?

katy1213 · 28/02/2020 16:38

What a massive over-reaction! Would you have arranged your own wedding to suit your SIL? You have your own plans, it doesn't matter if you miss the wedding.
You are right about one thing - you shouldn't be whinging about this nonsense to the friend who has real problems!

elenacampana · 28/02/2020 16:41

Yes you’re being unreasonable. You can’t dictate dates and guest lists for other people’s weddings. If you’re available, you go and if you’re not, you don’t. What you don’t do is act very precious and me, me, me when someone else is trying to plan their wedding.

Wouldn’t surprise if your SIL posted this scenario from her perspective and was told she wasn’t being unreasonable at all.

Yesmate · 28/02/2020 16:41

Your children’s grandmother doesn’t want them at the wedding or have I misunderstood?

dany174 · 28/02/2020 16:44

OP I got married not that long ago and finding the right venue is hard!

Your lucky if you find one that is available around the time you want and is within budget. Then some are too big others too small, some will only let you use their recommended caterers which are ridiculously expensive. Some have marriage licences others don't, if they don't are you going to get married at a church or town hall? Then the church or the registrar need to be available for the time you want on the day that the venue has availability. The all your other suppliers, photographer, caterers, hair and makeup, florist and entertainment all need availability on that day.

When we set our date we knew there would be people who might not be able to come. We did not chose the date because we did not care about them or loved them less, it was just that at some point you just need to pick a date and see who can make it. Don't take it personally, wedding planning is stressful enough.

At the end of the day its just a wedding. Its shame you cant go and you will have to miss out on it. But to be honest you already have the perfect solution, your getting a lovely holiday with you friend, your kids get to stay with your mother and your husband can get to enjoy his sister getting married without stressing about the kids. Everybody wins.

Take a step back and see this is not a big deal and let your SIL have the wedding she wants without making it out like its all such a big hassle for you guys.

Kirkman · 28/02/2020 16:45

Your children’s grandmother doesn’t want them at the wedding or have I misunderstood?

That whole part is confusing.

I am not sure of its the mil or sil that doesnt want kids there

I am not sure if the sil relented and let the dd be a flower girl. Or if it's still child free.

Or the mil told OP (and maybe dd) she was going to be a flower girl, but sil didnt say that. Just mil.

It doesnt sound like the sil invited the dd to be flower girl then said no, though its not clear. So maybe.

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