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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nightmare 15YO DD

30 replies

Whattodon0w · 27/02/2020 22:34

Brief past - I divorce dh 5 years ago and have a new dp. Dh has been a constant nightmare and constantly causing problems. Our marriage ended due to dv. I had verbal/physical abuse.
Dd is a daddy’s girl and he always took her side when I was disciplining the children to the point where I was rarely able to even raise my voice. He even once reported me to SS which went nowhere.
I feel he is now using dd to continue to abuse me. A couple of weeks ago he told her a whole lot of lies and made her v upset. She came home angry with me and has been hard work since.
Tonight has been the worst. I asked her to tidy her room, I cannot see the carpet for mess there’s stuff all over the place. She started shouting in my face and pushed me. I pushed her back and she hit me. For the next hour we were constantly arguing. I was tell g her to go to bed and she was constantly at me hitting me. She ended up leaving the house and walking to her dads. She got there but turned back and came home. I have t spoke to her as she was asking trying to argue. My late tee told her to go to bed.
I feel so powerless. She threatens to go to his house all the time. I know if I just let her I won’t want her back as she will be worse when she comes home if she comes home that is.
Exdh is constantly messing with her head telling her things and making it difficult. I can not remove her phone/tv I can’t ground her. There are no consequences. I am seriously considering chucking her things in a bag and dropping it at exdh tomorrow.

OP posts:

Porcupineinwaiting · 27/02/2020 22:36

Why no consequences?

Doodlesquah1 · 27/02/2020 22:38

If there’s violence involved, you need to seek the help of a professional.
MNers can guide you in the sense of telling you who you can speak to and to help you get it off your chest but you really need to seek professional behavioural help

Original poster

Whattodon0w · 27/02/2020 22:48

@Porcupineinwaiting because her dad is telling her to go there to stay. I got hit of trying to take her phone away. If I ground her she will just go out anyway.

OP posts:

Thebishopofbanterbury · 27/02/2020 22:58

There is a helpline called "young minds" i haven't tried it but you can Google the number they are an advice line for parents with difficult teens. might help ..also I would speak to the pastoral care person at her school and tell them you are having problems they were really really helpful when I was having trouble with my dds behaviour. You must not allow yourself to be hit by her. Tell her now if it happens again you will be calling the police. I'm so sorry op it sounds so tough. Just try and keep talking to your dd and telling her your side of the story.

amy85 · 27/02/2020 23:02

Put some consequences in!!! You are the parent not her!

And if my kid kept hitting me I'd be tempted to get the police involved...might give her the shock she needs

LuluBellaBlue · 27/02/2020 23:13

Sorry but the fact that she hit you and you hit her back doesn’t sound good.
As an adult you should attempt to calm the situation down.
Have you tried sitting down and talking to her? Say how you feel. Share your worries and concerns but most of all let her know you love her and that she doesn’t need to choose between you and exh

Ineedcoffee2345 · 27/02/2020 23:16

Pack her off to her dads and see how long she lasts

Winniewonka · 27/02/2020 23:34

Except OP hasn't hit her daughter at all. Why don't you call their bluff and suggest as daughter lives within walking distance of her father's place, that she lives there for the next six months but your door is always open for her return. She might just appreciate how much you do for her and find out the grass isn't necessarily greener at dad's house. Before anyone points out that she's only a child caught up between warring parents, she's not a toddler who can't control their emotions and hits out. Physical violence from a 15 year old is unacceptable.

DocusDiplo · 27/02/2020 23:39

That sounds really challenging, OP. I hope you get the help and support you need.
I know you're doing your best. Good luck.

DingleberryRose · 27/02/2020 23:44

I’d say the next time she steps out of line she can go and live with her Dad.

JoshArcherStoleMyTractor · 27/02/2020 23:47

She's grown up in a home where violence and aggression is the norm, she's being emotionally manipulated by her father, is it any wonder she's difficult? Speak to her school or local women's aid there are often specific services or interventions for children who've witnessed abuse. Shouting and pushing aren't going to de-escalate this.

JoshArcherStoleMyTractor · 27/02/2020 23:50

It's actually quite upsetting that so few people recognise the damage growing up in that environment causes for a child, just chuck her out tell her to go and live with her father, who abused her mother and is now by OPs own words using the daughter as a tool to continue the abuse. Yep, that won't mess up a 15 year old even more......

Notimeforaname · 28/02/2020 01:33

Yes this isn't actually her fault. She has grown up around this...its all she knows.
The poor child has no coping skills for her anger.
And the fact that this false information is coming from her father must be so confusing for her.

I get this is horribly frustrating for you OP especially since you know exactly how he is and what he's doing...... But to her, that's her Dad, someone she thinks she can trust.

Going off the deep end on her will push her further towards him and break any trust you and she has left.

It's not fair at all on you or her but do get some outside help and support for both of you and don't push her out of the home.

Notimeforaname · 28/02/2020 01:35

I also agree with calling the police if she tries to hurt you again. She cannot think its acceptable and get away with it.

Lynda07 · 28/02/2020 01:45

WhattodonOw, let your daughter go to her father, she will soon realise how much you do for her.

Your ex husband should not be telling her lies about you or anything at all negative, you're her mum. Can you not reason with him? He really is in the wrong.

You say you have a new partner, I wonder if your daughter feels awkward with him (if he lives with you).

Good luck, I hope this nightmare ends for you soon.

delfaye133 · 28/02/2020 02:16

Speaking as a child of divorce:

I had very similar scenario in my family - dad dv my mum when I was 8, dad filled my head with nasty remarks and false promises at the age of 13 onwards for years and years I believed him and treated my mother badly some of the time - I would suggest cutting him out of her life completely, but of course, you then wonder if that is entirely right? Plus he could drag you to court, involve SS etc etc

personal experience says get rid completely. my dad was abusive physically and verbally to breaking point (no pun intended). he drank all the time, gambled and slept with every woman he could find.

if he's anything like that, AVOID. my sister is 15 and is slowly realising the truth.

delfaye133 · 28/02/2020 02:23

Obviously it's my opinion and I'm trying to sound sensitive to your post but if I could have decided if my dad was around - I'd have said no. many many issues growing up with men, relationships, trust issues, promiscuity, drug/alcohol use. It would've been avoided if he hadn't even bothered to be around in the first place. I would much rather my mum moved on and found a man who wanted to parent me in the first place.

Original poster

Whattodon0w · 28/02/2020 07:39

Thanks for all the advice. The easy option is to send her to her dads to stay where he will continue to poison her against me and I’ll lose her for ever. This is the last thing I want.
However I cannot go on like this. She is currently refusing to get up for school. Usually I would be in her room nagging her to get up then drive her so she isn’t late as she will have missed the school bus. Today I’ve went in to her room and told her time to get up. She is lying in bed I’ve told her she is to get a service/public bus to school and will be very late. I’m not running after her anymore. I’m calling SS and reporting all this when they open at 9.

OP posts:

picklemewalnuts · 28/02/2020 07:58

I know it's hard, but you need to parent therapeutically- don't react out of your own perfectly reasonable anger. She won't behave differently if you get angry back, or punish her. She'll learn when you show her a different way.

You can't control her either, she has to choose to cooperate. Otherwise you get stuck in a fight to prove who is the most dominant/determined etc. Effectively the one who shouts loudest wins. You need to break that cycle.

There is a parenting blog I used to follow, AHA parenting. Dr Laura Markham if I remember correctly. It's aimed at younger children I think, but it's about parenting therapeutically and it will help. It doesn't matter that she is older, she still needs to be parented through your relationship not your authority.

Brazi103 · 28/02/2020 08:13

I too think pack her off and send her the next time she threatens you with that. So she will be leaving due to her own actions. But let her know that she is welcome back only if she is prepared to do some work on herself.

sunshineANDsweetpeas · 28/02/2020 08:18

Ring family services and also the school, they maybe able to give you some helpful suggestions.

Unfortunately behaviour like this is usually driven for attention. Have you tried love bombing her? Maybe this weekend you could spend the whole weekend with her, doing things she likes to do. I know this feels like rewarding bad behaviour, but remember that this isn't her fault. Hormones plus a toxic Dad will never end well. You'll probably find if you did pack her off to her Dads, once he realises that he's lost control over you via her, he wouldn't want her any longer.

My youngest lives with my ex due to her behavioural issues (thankfully he's not a toxic person), but I have a much better relationship with her now than I ever have. She used to be violent towards me and her sister, we had to split them up because of her violence towards her sister

Vulpine · 28/02/2020 08:19

Im not sure 'consequences' are the answer. Or calling the police

billy1966 · 28/02/2020 08:34

OP, I think you need to pack her bags and move her to her Dad's.
As you say this cant go on.
She knows where you are and you can tell her you will always be there for her BUT you will not accept how she is treating you and behaving towards you.
Tell her you want her to be happy and you think that might be with her father for now.

She has seen you being treated badly for years and she thinks it's ok.

Show her that you do have self respect and will not be treated badly by her father and by her.
It is your best chance at her seeing things clearly.

Callimanco · 28/02/2020 08:39

I don't find confronting a teen ever does much good.
My 15 year old also had a room so bad I couldn't see the floor. To a certain extent I believe their rooms are their domain so don't insist on pristine space but it was turning into a hazard, slipping on paper with every step.

I told him last week we were going to sort it at the weekend. Reminded him Friday Eve and set an agreed time. On Saturday I spent a couple of hours with him piling up papers for him to sort into revision boxes (one per subject) and provided a bin bag and snacks. We tackled it together but really I was mostly just ensuring he stayed at it.

Would that sort of approach not work for you?

Flufferbum · 28/02/2020 09:05

She’s 15 OP. She’s being absolutely vile hitting you. When my mum hit my at 14 I knew not to rise to it. No one should be hitting anyone. Let her go to her fathers she will soon realise what he is OP. Do not put up with the abuse anymore. She is your daughter yes, but you do not have to be her emotional punchbag (and literal). You have to be a mother. And right now she thinks she can do what the fuck she likes. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But you really need to stand up for yourself. Does she know she could get a criminal record for hitting you? Does she realise the severity of what she’s done and how disgusting it is? It’s shameful. I hope your okay. She is no longer a ‘child’.

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